Christmas- children home from university - what a disaster

[zita99]

It is Christmas and both my kids are home from university. The fire works has started. They hate each other. My daughter and son both at university fight . My son calls my daughter a ‘ bitch’ . It never ends . I basically hate both of them because they cannot just get on while they are in my house. My husband does nothing and lets it all happen. He just walks away. Christmas is a nightmare . I hate it so much. Actually my family is a nightmare. I have two children who basically hate one another and cannot be in the same room. Why I don’t know. My son is 21 does not have a girl friend and never has. My daughter has never really had friends at school. I want to walk away from both of them. I will make dinner tell them to get their food and take it to their rooms and leave me alone. I can’t stand them.

They are adults, tell them to buck up or ship out (and make their own damn dinner)

Tell them they respect each other in your home or they need to leave. And mean it. And stop cooking.

Go to a hotel for Christmas? Failing that sit then down and explain the behavior you expect and the consequences if you don’t get it

Is their uni accommodation still available? If yes I would warn both that they can return their if they do not talk respectfully to each other and to you too. I would not tolerate my son calling my daughter a bitch under my roof.
Maybe time to lose your temper with them?

How awful for you and how bloody selfish and immature your children are being.

It's NOT on you to make sure everyone has a good Christmas, so put that responsibility down. You're not Mrs fucking Santa Claus and you can't work miracles. If they really won't swallow their pride and agree to treat each other with a modicum of respect, then they will ruin Christmas for themselves and everyone else - that's their fault.

I'd probably ask them all into the living room, calmly say my piece - "if the two of you seriously can't and won't agree not to turn my home into a battleground, then I don't want you around me. I won't put up with slanging matches in the communal areas of the house, so stay in your rooms or find somewhere else to lodge. If you CAN agree to stop the sniping and attempt to enjoy Christmas as a family, then it ends here and now and we say no more about it".

I would then get on with doing things I wanted to do - I am currently making a gingerbread house, because I love sugarcraft, and later I will be having a scented bath and reading some Hilary Mantel. Do as much or as little of the Christmas stuff as you personally want to, and if everyone else is being an asshole, don't cater for them.

Yes I have tried sitting them down and getting them to come to a consensus. I don’t get how two children who had a happy childhood could dislike each other so much. I think I would have gone away for Christmas if not for covid. I did tell my son today to get back university . Yes they have their rooms booked so why make me miserable. I keep asking myself is it normal for siblings to hate each other.

-What are they fighting about?
-Why are you allowing your Husband to say nothing? Have you confronted him about his silence?
-Why does your Son need to have a girlfriend? Does your Daughter have a Boyfriend?
-Does your Daughter not have any friends because she is not a very nice person to be around?

Hate is a strong word and especially about your own children. You raised them.
Sounds like they need to have their heads banged together and someone (you and/or your Husband) need to read them the riot act!
What are you doing and saying to your children whilst all of this nightmare drama is taking place in your home?
It seems as you and your Husband need counselling. In addition to separate counselling for all of you as a family unit of four.
I would not make them any dinner. They are old enough to make their own food. They need consequences for their behaviour. This would be one of them for a start. You’ve got seven days to get a backbone and put boundaries in place, if you don’t want a completely shit Christmas/New Year break.

Thanks for the replies it has made me better already.

I think I'd be past trying to get them to come to a consensus - you need to lay down the law. I would tell mine I didn't care what the grievances were, if they couldn't shut their beaks and behave with a bit of common decency in their parents' home, they could sod off back to uni.

Mine don't always get on either (17 and 19, and VERY different) but they wouldn't wreck Christmas for us by screaming at each other. Your children are showing you no respect and no compassion. Not good enough.

They must be quite close in age if both at uni? I too have one of each and they do argue. I get how infuriating it can be so you have my sympathies.
Do they work at all to get them out of house as much as possible? I would start insisting they find work and there’s lots about at the moment even picking up deliveroo shifts for your son.
Do you get angry with them? I am very mild mannered and easy tempered but on occasion I “lose my shit” and if shocks them to stop arguing.

What were the main problems between them before they went to university?

In their slight defence( as the dm of adult dc) ime they do revert to childhood humans when they come through my front door!! Farting and talking about childish antics is all the rage!!

I agree with @Santahatesbraisedcabbage they sooo become children. How do you react when they kick off? If you get involved I would take a massive step back. Let them crack on.

Suggest when they behave like adults they can let you know.
Retire to the lounge and shut the door.

There's never going to be any guarantee that siblings will get on, no matter how happy their childhoods were.

What do they argue about?

Is there an aunt or uncle that might like to see one of them for the christmas holidays?

Hi I react by telling then off. I don’t know why they don’t like each other. My usual way of handling it is yelling and then walking away. It is exhausting. Anyway have a good Christmas everyone.

Tell them they aren’t kids anymore and you don’t care how they feel about each other but you won’t have them causing shit in your house, and ruining Christmas. Make it clear they will both be shipped off back to Uni if they carry on acting like 5 year olds.

Tell your Dh to grow a spine.

This seems a very extreme example of siblings not getting on - you say they had a happy childhood so I assume they were able to live in harmony then? When did things start to go wrong, it seems like there must be more to this than run of the mill sibling bickering - why does your son insist on calling your daughter names? Sounds really awful for you ☹️

People do regress when they come home, but they should not be behaving like this — however it doesn’t sound like you or your DP are helping, if he’s walking away and your are yelling and telling them to take their food to their rooms. It sounds exhausting and unhealthy all round.

Two options - you can lay out some ground rules about civilised behaviour and stick to the penalty if they don’t behave (eg you reduce their allowance by a fiver a week for every screaming session), but if communication isn’t great in you house full stop, it would be easiest going forward if they aren’t home at the same time - so get them to alternate Christmas and NY etc.

I wouldn't be the adult telling them off. That just gives them permission to be the children behaving badly.

Ask them both to leave next time they row. Tell to go and calm down and don't come back for an hour. If they do it again make it for a day

Hit them where it hurts:

Stop cooking for them
Stop filling cupboards with food they like
Change the WiFi password
Cancel Netflix, Amazon TV, etc
Don't give them lifts anywhere
Wake them up early with noise
Don't lend them money

Would you treat two friends of yours who are arguing by shouting at them?

It sounds so frustrating to have them behave like this, but remember you can't control their behaviour- you can only control your reaction to it.
It will take time but i think you need to try train them to behave like adults when home and getting them to stop reverting to squabbling teenagers when home.

Isn’t everyone having a shitty shouty Omicron Christmas? Hats off to anyone managing to be happy and civil right now.

Lay it out straight.

They either both be civil and behave like adults in your home or they aren't invited - or are de invited and can leave.

Lay down the very clear rules. No name calling etc.

I also agree with changing WiFi etc and making it clear they earn dinners being paid for and cooked and WiFi etc by following the rules.

Make it clear you will not tolerate this.

Or alternatively go away for a lovely week alone