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Original poster

Present dilemma - what would you do?!?

78 replies

Oobleyyy · 18/12/2021 10:46

DD1 told her sister what her present is vaguely (it’s a big Sylvanian Families set) but didn’t tell her which one. (The fact that DD1 told her is another story altogether!)

DD2 is going absolutely nuts. Begging me to tell her, saying things like “if you don’t tell me I’ll hate you” or “if you don’t tell me I’ll look for it anyway” etc etc on and on and crying (she’s almost 5). She won’t let it go!

I’ve been very gentle about it, telling her I understand how frustrating it is knowing there’s an amazing present in the house but not knowing what it is, etc etc. That isn’t working one bit.

DH thinks we should take it back and get her something completely different so that the torture is out the house.

DD2 is not letting this go. She’s ruining it for herself, really.

What do I do?!?!?

OP posts:
user1471447924 · 18/12/2021 12:57

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Tell her is she continues to behave bratty Santa will take it for another little dc..
Another vote for this.
CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/12/2021 12:58

Tell her if she doesn’t stop crying it’s going back to the shops and then take her out to the park or for a walk.

MoiraNotRuby · 18/12/2021 12:58

She is overwhelmed, I would tell her something along the lines of

There are x more days until we share presents with each other.
We have clues about some presents and others will be a surprise.
I promise all the surprises will be happy surprises.
Whilst we are waiting for Christmas we have lots of other things to do - (and then insert things you are doing anyway eg)
Sort out donations/Wrap up presents for children who don't have as much as we do
Buy/make mince pies
Put on a Christmas movie
Go to church
Take the dog for a walk
Etc etc

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
AiryFairyLights · 18/12/2021 13:00

Ignore - every time she cries or tantrums about it she’s getting attention - them her you don’t know, can’t remember and she’ll find out Christmas Day then absolutely leave it. She will continue to ask but keep repeating ‘I don’t know’ or just walk away. She needs to learn that behaving in such a way will get her absolutely no where.
They are very very clever at pulling our heart strings and getting what they want by wearing us down - don’t let her and take back control.
Don’t change it
Don’t tell her
Don’t give in!
You are the adult/parent x

Good luck x

AiryFairyLights · 18/12/2021 13:01

tell her not them x

QuillBill · 18/12/2021 13:03

Just tell her what it is FGS!! What is the benefit in keeping it secret??
The benefit of teaching her that if she tells her mother that if you won't do what I say I will hate you isn't going to get her what she wants,

Swisscheeseleaves · 18/12/2021 13:03

She's 4 years old for gods sake.

Id ask if her if she genuinely wants to know and if she does, i would tell her. Some people don't like surprises. It really doesn't need to be that big a deal because she's not sticking to the performance of Christmas.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/12/2021 13:05

Don't teach her that she can wear you down just as long as she behaves badly for long enough! It would be making a rod for your own back.

"Begging me to tell her, saying things like “if you don’t tell me I’ll hate you” or “if you don’t tell me I’ll look for it anyway” etc etc on and on and crying (she’s almost 5). She won’t let it go!"
Every instance if that behaviour would be met with 'go to your room'. Yes you'll be met with resistance, yes it's hard, but yes you have to if you don't want her to adopt this behaviour as her default mode because she thinks it works.

steppemum · 18/12/2021 13:06

my youngest dd is now 14, and we are gettihg her diagnosed for ASD.

She was chatting to me about secret santa at school.
The 2 or 3 neuro diverse kids in the group all worked out whose secret santa was who, and then all told each other what they were getting.
Then they were all happy and enjoyed their present buying and giving.

It was a real revelation moment to me. As a small child she hated not knowing. If she had been half told, then she would feel like your dd.

So, don't change it, if she is expecting sylvanians and doesn#t get it, that will be worse.
Give her enough to calm her, without actaully telling her, and then make clear that she has to wait till Christmas.
Something like - yes it is sylvanians, it is one that you want and like, but I am not going to tell you which one, that will need to wait until Christmas day.

Then take time to talk about how hard it is not knowing things, but that is part of the surprise. Maybe things like worried about being disappointed, or not liking it, but trusting mummy and daddy that they know what she has been asking for.

Crunchymum · 18/12/2021 13:17

But her sister doesn't know what set it is?

Both girls have the same amount of information?

I'd not be telling. I agree it doesn't send a good message. Telling her now would just rteach her that if you moan enough, you get what you want. Telling her won't benefit anyone.

Do the girls believe in Santa? If so can you not just tell them he has the gifts now and they'll have to wait until next weekend? Just keep repeating. If it's not in the house you cannot check which set it is can you?

Lindtnotlint · 18/12/2021 13:23

Tell her, on condition she then stops going on about it. After that if she behaves badly again tell her she won’t get the toy.

1forAll74 · 18/12/2021 13:48

She needs to behave,or she won't be getting the present. They need to know these things,if they are having spolit and brattish behaviour.

Mamiamamia · 18/12/2021 14:19

@Robinkitty

Honestly I’d tell her. My kids need to feel some control over their gifts they don’t cope well with surprises. I’m the same, the not knowing gives me anxiety, it’s not a pleasant feeling.
I agree with this, I would tell her ❤️
user1471447924 · 18/12/2021 14:22

Honestly, tell her now and you’re teaching her exactly how to tantrum for her own way.

MindyStClaire · 18/12/2021 15:02

I would just tell her so she can look forward to playing with it and you get the excitement back.

Some kids just don't cope well with surprises. One friend's DS has autism and can't cope with wrapped gifts - the suspense was just too much, even if just for a minute while it was handed over and unwrapped. After a couple of terrible Christmases, friend asked all family to give gifts in present bags, not wrapped, and told DC what each person was giving him. Cue delighted and not overwhelmed child on Christmas Day.

SilenceOfThePrams · 18/12/2021 15:10

Tell her.

Some children really can’t cope with surprises, my daughter among them. Knowing exactly what it is doesn’t spoil her enjoyment, it allows her to enjoy the anticipation, the certainty that this is what is coming.

At the moment she knows it’s sylvanian families. But it might be x mega set or y super set or z fab set and she’s really struggling with that. She can’t look forwards to it because what if the one she thinks it is isn’t it, and then she’s disappointed? So tell her, let her have the enjoyment of anticipation rather than the worry of the unknown.

It’s not about rewarding tantrums, it’s about recognising this is really really hard for her, and finding a way through the next week which makes it better for all of you.

Topbird29 · 18/12/2021 15:19

You could tell her is sylvanian families, but not what set. And that you are sure she will like it. And tell her she then knows exactly the same as her sister. So she can't think her sister knows more than her. She is only little, and very excited, but needs to learn to not demand for things. Perhaps you could take her shopping for a present for her sister, and see if she can be a big girl and keep it a surprise.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 19/12/2021 12:46

I think there is some very unhelpful black and white thinking on this thread. Yes the DD is overwhelmed and struggling to cope with emotions, but a parents job is to help children develop these skills. Giving in to tantrums does not help children learn to cope with difficult emotions. Yes DD1 may not be a naughty child and her telling DD2 about the present probably was not malicious in any way, but that does not make it OK. Both these children need to be supported to develop better emotional regulation and social skills. That does not make them demons at all and it's not nasty to suggest that children need the boundaries which enable such development. If surprises are overwhelming for DD2, she needs to both cope with being overwhelmed better and also be helped to more proactively ask for things to be different. It's fine to have a conversation with her when she is calmer and after she has got this present about 'next time' and if she wanted to never get a surprise present again from parents, well that's not the end of the world. It won't be possible to control all present receiving in this way though so she still needs to learn to cope better. But doing this in response to her current actions does not help her react in the prosocial ways which lead to a fulfilling life. No-one really wants to be friends with someone who thinks this is an OK way to get their own way. There is a need to keep the bigger picture in mind for this young child.

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2021 12:53

I wouldn't exchange it as she will be disappointed, and I wouldn't tell her what it is either, I might have done if she hadn't been so rude but it would just be validating bad behaviour at this point.

I would just continue to deal with the outbursts by telling her she won't get anything at all if she acts like that about it. It's the only way imo.

dancemom · 19/12/2021 12:55

I wouldn't tell her. If you tell her she will then want to see it and if you show her she will then want to open it, where does it stop?

I'd tell her you're not discussing it any more and she can go to her room until she's ready to calm down and stop being rude.

weemouse · 19/12/2021 13:04

I would parent this as follows;

DD1 a real talking to about spoiling surprises for others

DD2 to be told unequivocally if she continues this "explosive" behavior and pestering, she loses the gift. And you expect an apology for saying she will hate you

IvoryViolets · 19/12/2021 14:49

Wrap it, hide it, ignore her when she goes on about it and redirect her. Tell dd1 that’s because of her she’s created a big pain in the arse and never tell anyone what gifts you’ve got

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2021 14:51

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Tell her is she continues to behave bratty Santa will take it for another little dc..
This ^^ 1 million percent
Roaringlogfire · 19/12/2021 17:47

Tell her it's a really small set so she's not expecting much and then the surprise will be what she actually gets.