How would you deal with this? Child behaviour.

[Stormwhale]

Dd is 8, very intelligent, knows right from wrong. Lately though, she has been choosing to do things she knows are not ok.

A few examples... pouring shampoo/condtioner/bodywash down the toilet (she was spoken to and the money for the products taken from her pocket money), reading in bed after she is supposed to have gone to sleep leaving her tired and grumpy and lying about it (books now kept away from her bed and she is checked on regularly to make sure she is going to sleep), popping one of my disposable ice packs that I use for migraines and lying about that too. There are other things too, all relatively minor, but things she knew weren't the right thing to do.

Each time I talk it through, and try to think of a logical consequence. However i am not sure what to do about what she has done this time.

We bought her a reasonably expensive advent calendar, with the theme of something she is obsessed with. She is dairy free so the chocolate options are limited and I wanted to give her something special so she could have a lovely surprise each day.

She needed help getting one of the items out today, and I saw that she has opened every door on the calendar. She said she just got too excited and wanted to know what was in there. I explained that in doing so she has spoiled the point of the calendar, and that I'm really disappointed in the choice she has made. She knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but has once again done it anyway.

Would you say anything more? Would you give some sort of consequence? She has said sorry, but I am really disappointed that she has spoiled something really lovely which was supposed to be a little bit of fun each day. I dont want to take the calendar away, that would be cruel, but im not sure how to make her see that she needs to stop and think about what she is doing and make the right choice.

Any advice on how best to handle this and the recurring issue of her making crappy choices without being too harsh or overly punitive would be very much appreciated.

Have you considered reading up on therapeutic parenting? It might give you some confidence in natural consequences and different ways to respond.

People with asd can apparently be impulsive too. In case she has more symptoms of that than adhd.
My impulsive kids would

• dc2 run off very suddenly- stopped around 4.

Both took a long time to stop at curb when walking dc1 was around 6. And if walking with others would still cross now at 9. Dc1 reception and y1 biting/scratching hitting. Still 1 incident of hitting y5.... So comparatively your dc seems ok.

I also think her behaviour is pretty normal for her age, though very annoying. The shampoo thing is pretty childish tbf, but my dd hacked her fringe to bits when she was 9, the night before her communion! The advent calender was a lovely idea, and she obviously just couldn't wait to see what was in it, as pp said, now the surprise is spoiled so that's punishment enough. Can i say though, and i don't mean to be rude, but the calender seems to be more about your disappointment than hers? As for the reading after lights out, I was the most obedient, compliant child imaginable, and i often sneaked a book and a torch into bed. I think maybe your expectations around the maturity of an 8 year old are a little high, but it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your dd and that really us the most important thing. Having said all of that though, if your gut is telling you that she might not be NT, then that is something you might need to explore.

Lots of young children have poor impulse control compared to adults and imo should not necessarily be punished in the same way as for premeditated naughtiness. Infact discussing it without becoming enotional and lessening the shame involved in "experiments" being discovered will likely lead to more understanding of her behaviour and less lying.
That said, the children i know who tended to do such things regularly all ended up with ADHD diagnosis eventually (including two of mine) but only when they started to struggle at school, they would have had an easier time if it had been spotted earlier.

Re exercise... she walks the mile to and from school every day, she does weekly swimming lessons, does kids yoga, plus bike rides, scooter rides, trips to the park. Less so with the weather being crap, but she is generally very active and is a healthy weight with a good diet.

Completely agree about the calendar being more about my disappointment. I think it was maybe something I bought her to make up for me being ill. I feel constant guilt about being so unwell, and wanted to give her some of the fun that I'm often not well enough to provide. That is my problem though, not hers, and I am not going to put it on her.

Also agree about expectations. We constantly have to remind ourselves that although academically she is well ahead, emotionally she isn't. It's hard because she speaks like a 10 year old, has an incredible vocabulary and it gives the impression that she is older than she is. The emotional maturity just isn't there though.

Stormwhale I think we have similar parenting styles. DD is our youngest now at 14, they've all turned out ok so far so it seems to have helped!
My DD would have struggled with the calendar too, at this age she found the prospect of future excitement/suspense just too much to cope with. I recall reading a book with her, knowing it had a big reveal at the end and when we got there - zero response - she couldn't bear not knowing and had read the end! This also fed into reading late - if she was reading something good she found it very hard to detach.
Quite a lot of 'good' children experiment with lying at this age too. I think it's to do with testing boundaries and sense of self, plus behaviours like the shampoo where they do something which subsequently realise they shouldn't have, but don't really want to be told off!
DD is an anxious child and has been seen twice by CAHMS now. They raised the possibility of an ASD assessment but DD considered it but declined. She may be neurodiverse, but equally I don't think these behaviours are that unusual.
I tend to be very light on punishment and let natural consequences teach the child.
I think the suggestion of a chat when it's all blown over about why she put the shampoo down the toilet might easily reveal 'potion' play or similar and I would direct her towards better ways of doing it.
Children learn by doing and often by getting it wrong. I think making it easy for them to succeed and to retrieve a situation without punishment is my preferred approach.

I didnt mean to criticise OP.I just think,the pendula has swung too far to the "medical label".reading quite a few threads here on MN with people having problems with kids behaviour.very rarely is it acknowledged,that there is maybe a lack of communication.I dont assume this is necessarily in your situation the case.I just want to emphasise,that medication just supresses and maybe it is worth to really find the cause of a behaviour,even so this obviously takes time.I hope,you and your daughter find a positive way out of the distressing situation.

Your wrong about medication just suppressing @Thatldo. Of course communication can be off with ADHD kids too, bit difficult to have good commu ucation with someone who forgets what's been said to them almost instantly or jumbles up instructions.
I did not rush to diagnose my two, DS1 was 21 and DS3 was 15, i tried every kind of approved parenting methods and the boys really did try to cooperate but in hindsight they suffered from feelings of frustration, shame and anxiety because it was so difficult for them to avoid mistakes and under achievement and i wish i had acted sooner.
The medication gives them an ability to build skills due to improved concentration and they have time to think through consequences, they don't lose all those skills when off meds (although DS3 does get a bit impulsive again).

I think you night be taking this too seriously. She's done some pretty normal, kid type stuff. Babies cry, toddlers tantrum, kids do daft stuff, make a mess and are noisy, teenagers are self-absorbed and inconsiderate. Well, not always, but it's not unusual, and it's nothing personal.
Maybe your guilt at having health issues, mixed up with the rubbish example your parents set you, so you're making it up from scratch, is colouring your view?
For what it's worth, you sound like you're doing a great job and your daughter sounds lovely x

I bet most kids have opened all the windows on their advent calendar, me and my brother used to do it all the time so did most of our friends, and we don’t have ADHD it’s just normal kid behaviour, curiosity, same with the shampoo down the toilet, she probably just wanted to see if it would foam. These things are no big deal!