I have no flair for making like nice just for myself?

[Moonkatz]

I always have plans to do nice things, make my flat organised, cosy and reflect my style and taste, to cook nice meals, settle down at the end of the evening to read a good book or watch a film or documentary I’m interested in seeing etc. What happens is that my flat is a mess, dishes in the sink, most nights me or DP run out to the shop at the last minute to grab something quick for dinner, we spend the evening online browsing YouTube etc on our separate devices and then I end up watching I’m a celeb or Drag race before dragging myself to bed, no reading done. Right now I wish my tree was up and I was snuggled up on the sofa watching Christmas films but my flat is still a mess from when we repainted the living room in September. Most years my tree goes up on Christmas Eve or the day before and I feel like I miss Christmas and all the anticipation.

I have a friend who has a real knack for making things nice for herself and her husband, her house is lovely and always so cosy, clean and well organised. She’s a great cook and puts effort into cooking nice food everyday. Her decorations are up and beautiful. She makes time to read her books, listen to music and watch films in a more thoughtful way as opposed to just watching anything.

I think I do envy the fact that she makes such an effort just for herself, I find that really hard. I find it easier to make an effort if other people are involved e.g. coming to dinner. Otherwise I just fly by the seat of my pants. Which is fine but as I get older I find I regret nights, weeks, years spent just consuming what ever is at hand and easier. I want children and have all these fantasies of the mum I’ll be, creating a cosy home for them, crafts with the kids, baking, movie nights, games nights etc. The truth is I’ll struggle to make any of happen if I can’t even do it for myself when I have loads more time and money.

I have no flair for making life nice, just for me. Can anyone else relate to this?

I can relate to that, my house is a total mess, I don't have the energy to clean it most of the time, always plan the night before what I should done and if I achieve one thing in my list is a miracle. On my side, mainly cause is depression, no partner and having 3 kids who don't know how to clean after themselves

Sorry to hear that ErinAoife, things sound really tough for you so please don’t be too hard on yourself! It does get you down though living in a messy home.

With you! House and me a mess. Seem to have run out of energy to keep cleaning. Scared of buying anything nice .

Glad I’m not alone but sad others feel like this. Yeah I feel so defeated by household chores. If you don’t keep on top of them it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and behind.

I've always had the mindset of doing all my jobs before I settle down to watch a film/read etc. It's how my mum operated too.

So it's "right I'll get tidied up then once everything is done I can sit and enjoy that film" It's like rewarding yourself for doing some housework I guess.

I think it helps in that I can't relax in mess and clutter!

This doesn't mean there aren't some days where there's mess, or that there aren't cupboards full of hidden crap

Can you get a cleaner in? Even if it's just a one off to deep clean the place/tidy up.

If you're not naturally organised it has to be learned habit. I went from disorganised mess to organised clean.

I started with Flylady to pick up the basics of little and often. If you see something out of place, move it.

Meal plans, stock take and shopping list (app) every week. I listen to a podcast whilst cooking. Cleaning down the kitchen at nights takes minutes, fill up the sink with hot soapy water before cooking and wash up as you go.

Have cleaning cloths or wipes in the bathroom and wipe down after you've done your teeth.

Big 18month calendar on the wall keeps us organised (shift worker and 2 different school events).

If a big clean up is needed then it's headphones and an uplifting playlist.

I'm like a broken record on this subject, having been diagnosed lately myself, but have you ever considered you might have ADHD?

Just because you won’t do it for yourself doesn’t mean you won’t do it for your D.C.

I see flylady has been suggested. The organised Mum method is also good.
You are going to have to set aside some time to plan, and then tackle this. You need to have your dp on side or you will end up doing it all and then still feel overwhelmed. Are you both off between xmas and new year? You could tackle it together then.

This all changed in me when I had counseling and started to value myself more. Sorry if that is a heavy answer! I was a bit flaky when younger, now I'm good at self-nurture.

Flylady sorted me out too. I've been loosely following her routine since 2008. Along with a big old declutter (slowly but surely) I really can have everything tidy within 15 minutes now

I find it’s planning to tidy, meal planning, planning to put the tree up etc. Writing things down and being strict with yourself. So tonight making yourself do half an hour sorting out of your living room, do it every night with the goal of getting your tree up on Friday.
Planning in reading a book, make 10 minutes a night a target.
Remember that saying ‘life is what happens when you’re making plans’. You’re waiting to read your book when your living room is perfect but just do it now. I hope you don’t mind me saying but you sound a little self-pitying (I mean that kindly, I’m the same!) with the ‘I can’t prioritise myself’ talk. No one is going to do this for you so take the bull by the horns and go for it!

Honestly, the biggest thing for me was cutting ties with my devices. I imposed a digital detox on myself, loaded up screen time on my iPad and phone (to restrict my access to social media) and do not use my phone between 9pm - 7am.

I suddenly found that I actually had shedloads of time to read, cook, and do value-adding and interesting stuff - rather than wasting shedloads of time slumped in front of the TV or iPad like a zombie.

I think you have to build habits and start small here and you seem overwhelmed. I’d recommend the book “atomic habits” it really helps. Get it on audiobook and listen whilst you do tidy up, it’s motivating.

For me, and it’s not always the case but I have to clean and have things tidied and in place before relaxing… I am similar to you with food and meals though so that’s an area I’m trying to work on.

Sometimes you (generic you, not you personally OP as I don't know you personally) have too much time and drift because of the lack of pressure. Having too little time actually can make some people more organised through necessity.

For example I didn't meal plan for just myself nor when it was just DH and I, did it only half heartedly when mostly a SAHM working a couple of evenings (did it for work evenings) but now I combine sometimes very long shifts with 3 kids I meal plan the whole month in advance, shop for everything that can be frozen and the long life/ dry goods in the few days after payday and update the shared shopping list app with fresh stuff. I make sure that when I'm not going to be home everything is in the house for things the kids can cook, and the meal is in the calendar so they know what to cook.

I say this because you say you worry about when you have children - you may well become more organised ironically - some people need pressure to get anything done!

I'm like your friend. It's not about flair or luck, it's making the effort for your home. Like PP said, if there's a few bits to be done I will do it before sitting down, and then things don't build up. I'm not anal about it, but I do like having a nice home and sitting in a comfortable environment. It's become second nature now.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Sometimes you (generic you, not you personally OP as I don't know you personally) have too much time and drift because of the lack of pressure. Having too little time actually can make some people more organised through necessity.

For example I didn't meal plan for just myself nor when it was just DH and I, did it only half heartedly when mostly a SAHM working a couple of evenings (did it for work evenings) but now I combine sometimes very long shifts with 3 kids I meal plan the whole month in advance, shop for everything that can be frozen and the long life/ dry goods in the few days after payday and update the shared shopping list app with fresh stuff. I make sure that when I'm not going to be home everything is in the house for things the kids can cook, and the meal is in the calendar so they know what to cook.

I say this because you say you worry about when you have children - you may well become more organised ironically - some people need pressure to get anything done!

Completely agree!

Does your DP want things to change too?

How much time and energy you have left after your jobs?

Doubt many people working full time do ALL of the things you mention! Most of us focus on changing one or two things at a time.

It helps if efforts are shared, although there’s stuff we can do that’s truly for ourselves, for me that’s exercise.

The things you mention about parenting are optional and a tiny part of parenting.

@TheAirbender

I'm like a broken record on this subject, having been diagnosed lately myself, but have you ever considered you might have ADHD?

It was my immediate thought too. I have adhd and have to work to lists constantly or nothing would ever get done/completed.

This is me. This is totally me. Not the housework so much. My partner is WFH and does lots but the feeling like I'm wasting my life watching crap on telly rather than reading (which I love!) Or sewing or any other of the million hobbies I've started and given up

Having children was my motivation to sort my life out. I’m a lot more tidy and organised now
I’m not a crafty artistic energetic ‘fun’ mum though and that’s fine!

I’m not at all naturally tidy or organised, and I hate housework.

When everything’s a mess, it can seem overwhelming, depressing and far too much to tackle - you feel exhausted, just thinking about it.

So you need to slice it up into manageable bits, that take just 20 minutes at a time, or even 10.

Make a list of what you’re going to do each day, even if it’s just one small thing. Ticking each one off will make you feel better.

I grew up in a very poor family, too many kids, there were six of us and had hardly anything as a child, I’m not especially materialistic and don’t buy a lot but coming from such a threadbare home made me really value making my surroundings as nice as possible. That’s the reason I have always been tidy and get stuff done. I do have that one place that’s a bit of a mess now and then though and that’s my conservatory. I really appreciate every day that I got the chance to live in a decent house with actual heating that doesn’t have a leaky roof and cracked window panes.

When I’m getting ready for bed I go through a list in my head of what I have done, I’m disabled now so stuff is far more of an effort and my lists are nowhere near as long as they used to be. A sort of well at least I managed to do that.

I also like doing things for people. DS GF stayed this weekend she is working really long hours to support herself whilst taking a science degree. DH and DS work very long hours and DS has done loads of overtime. I made some really lovely dinners over the weekend a chicken and spinach pie and a chocolate and orange brioche pudding were the best, they did the washing up. It’s a small thing but they were all very appreciative. I think if people are nice to you about stuff you have done or just nice to you it’s very encouraging. Does anyone ever compliment or encourage you op?