I have no flair for making like nice just for myself?

[Moonkatz]

I always have plans to do nice things, make my flat organised, cosy and reflect my style and taste, to cook nice meals, settle down at the end of the evening to read a good book or watch a film or documentary I’m interested in seeing etc. What happens is that my flat is a mess, dishes in the sink, most nights me or DP run out to the shop at the last minute to grab something quick for dinner, we spend the evening online browsing YouTube etc on our separate devices and then I end up watching I’m a celeb or Drag race before dragging myself to bed, no reading done. Right now I wish my tree was up and I was snuggled up on the sofa watching Christmas films but my flat is still a mess from when we repainted the living room in September. Most years my tree goes up on Christmas Eve or the day before and I feel like I miss Christmas and all the anticipation.

I have a friend who has a real knack for making things nice for herself and her husband, her house is lovely and always so cosy, clean and well organised. She’s a great cook and puts effort into cooking nice food everyday. Her decorations are up and beautiful. She makes time to read her books, listen to music and watch films in a more thoughtful way as opposed to just watching anything.

I think I do envy the fact that she makes such an effort just for herself, I find that really hard. I find it easier to make an effort if other people are involved e.g. coming to dinner. Otherwise I just fly by the seat of my pants. Which is fine but as I get older I find I regret nights, weeks, years spent just consuming what ever is at hand and easier. I want children and have all these fantasies of the mum I’ll be, creating a cosy home for them, crafts with the kids, baking, movie nights, games nights etc. The truth is I’ll struggle to make any of happen if I can’t even do it for myself when I have loads more time and money.

I have no flair for making life nice, just for me. Can anyone else relate to this?

Is part of the problem that you see it as a "big job"? So you do it once, work hard (because it has got into a state) and then because it if hard don't do any more, so it goes back to the same?

If so, just say to yourself, today I am doing 10mins of something "extra", ie the dishes. And then the day after, the dishes are only that days, so you can do the dishes and put away laundry in the 10 mins. I do this, and often find I will actually end up doing more, so I can finish off the job I started iyswim. But I don't start with the mindset of needing to do half an hour, and I don't let myself carry on all evening because I know the day after I won't want to do any jobs because of doing them all evening the night before.

Within a week, you will see a massive difference. A tidy house is easier to relax in, so you get better quality relaxation, giving you the energy to read etc. A tidy house is also quicker to clean

Read the book atomic habits - could be life changing for you!

I agree with PP saying that thinking about it all in one go is overwhelming.

You still have time to make a cozy space for yourselves this side of Christmas if you focus your energy.

First up you need as an absolute base level a clean kitchen and bathroom. So focus first on them. Kitchen first, clear counters and clean properly, clean the hob, empty the fridge of any festering stuff and give a wipe out. Hoover the floor and mop. Wash up and don't leave dishes lying around.

You'll feel a million times better once that's tackled.

Next do similar in the bathroom, bring a bin bag and throw out all empty / unwanted products. Clean the toilet and put a toilet duck product in. Wash out the bath if you have one. Clean sink and the counter it's on. Put out fresh towels and a reed diffuser if you like things like that. Hoover the floor, clean the mirror with windowlene. Lastly clean the shower inside and out.

Once you know that your kitchen and bathroom are clean and tidy I would tackle the sitting room next.

Sit down it in with a pen and pad and have a good look around. Imagine what your ideal cozy sitting room looks like and jot down the elements. Is your ideal room full of books, plants, does it have a stove or fireplace, fairy lights, lovely throws & cushions, a rug on the floor, fairy lights? Fabric furniture or leather?

Once you have an inkling of what you would like, what would entice you to come in there in the evenings to curl up with a book and a drink, then you can start to implement it.

Again first start is to give it a good clean. And a tidy out. Be ruthless with stuff you don't want or is past it's sell by date.

But by bit start adding things to make it more your style / image. Some throws, a lamp, nice cushions with textures you like. Light a ifre if you have one. Candles / fairy lights for ambience. Plants etc

You can definitely do this and none of it needs to cost a fortune, even supermarkets have lovely homewares these days.

Your home should be your cocoon - the place you get to relax and shut out the world.

Good luck!

OP just pick one dirty thing and clean it OP! One drawer, one wall, one sideboard.

Then write it on a list and tick it!

Then repeat. Keep adding to the list of things you did all week - you’ll feel brilliant and productive and want to keep making it bigger

Be your own best friend.

We get to a point in life where we realise that the 'adults' aren't coming to sort stuff out for us, and that we have to do it for ourselves.

Think about how you'd like your home to look when you walk through the door, and then make it happen. Some tips from me:

• Don't put things down, put them away
• Start your 'big sort out' in the big areas. So sort out your loft, store cupboard etc. first. Then as you want to store smaller items, there is somewhere for them to go
• Establish good, reliable channels for moving stuff on. So good charity shop, friends with younger children, stuff you really will sell, tip / bin. Make a place for things to be stored when their exit has been planned
• Keep relentlessly on top of your laundry, food shopping, and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom as ongoing priorities. Everything can wait a bit except these

An easy test - stuff should ideally be BOTH functional AND beautiful (to you). If it's both, keep it. If it's only one, think long and hard about keeping it. If it's neither - GET RID!!

@Gettingahead

This is me. This is totally me. Not the housework so much. My partner is WFH and does lots but the feeling like I'm wasting my life watching crap on telly rather than reading (which I love!) Or sewing or any other of the million hobbies I've started and given up

Again, please read up on ADHD. Women are massively underdiagnosed

An easy test - stuff should ideally be BOTH functional AND beautiful (to you). If it's both, keep it. If it's only one, think long and hard about keeping it. If it's neither - GET RID!!

6 month rule - if you've not used or admired it in the past 6 months, bin!

I'm a bit like you OP. I've started making the effort just on Saturdays and it's made a difference.

On Saturdays we plan the week's meals and do one shop for the whole week.

Then after lunch we both spend 90 mins blitzing the house and whatever is not done in that time is left for another day.

Then we turn our phones off, and do stuff together, maybe go for a walk / play a game and have a nice meal (sometimes takeaway), film, box set or sometimes go out for drinks. I've started looking fwd to Saturdays now. We plan what we're going to do on the Friday so that we don't drift through Saturday like every other day of the week. I'm bad at planning and organising so this (weird?) arrangement works for me!

@TheAirbender

I'm like a broken record on this subject, having been diagnosed lately myself, but have you ever considered you might have ADHD?

I was going to say exactly the same.

This is me too, I don’t cook if it’s just me etc

Flylady‘s shine your sink helps me, though I use my hob as my starting point and then it just spreads.

I wonder if it’s to do with not valuing yourself.

Totally relate.

Shame OP hasn’t come back!

Most years my tree goes up on Christmas Eve or the day before and I feel like I miss Christmas and all the anticipation

All deckers in my house go up on Christmas Eve, down at the Epiphany.
I am old-school here.

You are not slacking.

I am a naturally messy and disorganised person. Even at 48 after years of 'training' I easily revert to type. I work hard to keep on top of stuff by regularly decluttering and trying to live by the 'a place for everything' mantra.

DH is so tidy. I try to learn from him. Tidy people tidy as they go so it never becomes a big deal, whereas I can let stuff build and overthink it.

Some great tips on here.

Rudy as you go along sounds simple but in my reality it feels harder as I’m always in a rush/ or it’s chaos.

‘Tidy as you go’

The “one touch” rule is a game changer btw! Only touch the post once, don’t put it in a pile - open it! Quickly pay the bill.

Getting the ketchup out of the cupboard for a blob of dip? Use it and pop it straight back in it’s spot.

I’d recommend the book “atomic habits” it really helps. Get it on audiobook and listen whilst you do tidy up, it’s motivating

I came on to say this. Our team were given a copy each by rather intense manager. I was a bit but its actually really practical and I'm looking forward to changing a few things!

Marie Kondo ! Her book is about tidying up, but you envisage how you want your life to look.

Get a copy and both read it. Hopefully you’ll be inspired to get started in the Christmas holidays

Reading with interest. Mindless scrolling on the phone is stopping me going to sleep early. I even down loaded the calm app (paid for it and everything) yet not got round to using it. House a tip. I look a real state. Only thing I manage is organising food - even then I forget lunches, etc.

Could you start with a real declutter - it’s hard to make the effort when everything is messy.

I struggle with the same and highly suspect I have adhd. I struggle with planning and keeping things tidy and zone out a lot.

I now have DC and have to work so much harder to keep on top of things compared to pre children.

Read 'smart but scattered' which can highlight what you may be struggling with.

You've already painted your lounge, so that's a start!
Do you think that somewhere along the line, you've absorbed the idea that you don't deserve nice things or that you aren't worth making an effort for? It's hard to get out of that mindset.
I have a house which requires a lot of work doing, that I can't really afford to do and it's hard to put effort into the nice touches, knowing that it needs work on a more fundamental level. But I do feel better when the house is clean, when I've sorted out cupboards and drawers, thrown away clutter etc. Once you actually make a start, you will stop feeling stuck and will be much lighter emit for it!
I agree with pp about kitchen and bathroom needing to be clean first. I have little jobs that I do routinely every day at roughly the same time (laundry, cat trays) so they don't build up. Then if I was you I'd tackle that lounge and bin all excess junk and split the rest into mini tasks.
Remember that you do deserve lovely surroundings and that just making a start will make you feel heaps better.
If you can't make yourself start then maybe consider that you might be feeling depressed?

Once I saw a colleague slice up a peach and put it on a plate to eat with a fork. Another day she bought a Sainsbury’s soup and heated it, put it into a bowl and then garnished it with feta and herbs. It looked so beautiful for a random Tuesday lunch.

That is the kind of “making things nice for myself” that I have always aspired to be since then.

It’s taking that extra time to make something lovely, so that the sum total of your experiences are lovelier.

Even though I naturally would just like, eat a heated takeaway dinner over the sink and not even sit down, I try to remember that peach and put some effort in.

It helps me that I do things for DP, so I am kind of performing/gifting by making things special for him. Plating up food nicely and putting on candles to make things lovely and cosy.

You might find that with kids to make things nice for, you’ll find putting in effort a lot easier OP!

If left to my own devices I will end up just in stained pjs covered in crisps 🤣

The 15 minutes per room and move on technique is a really good way of getting it all under control. Once you’ve got a good, tidy baseline, keep it that way by training yourself not to sit down until you’ve tidied round- and by this point it will only take you five minutes.
Also, get rid of stuff. Nearly everyone I know whose homes are a bit of a mess have way more stuff than can comfortably fit in the space. Declutter, and it will become much easier.

OP you have just summed up everything I strive for - but don't necessarily manage!

Discovering routines has changed my life. I grew up without any kind of continuity and realised when I established routines for my dc how much I needed them myself. Now, I divide my daily tasks up into small parcels of time and then work out when I am going to do them eg half an hour for kitchen and tidying up downstairs and half an hour for laundry. I try and do them at regular times to make things as stress free as possible. The important part is to plan and make time for the fun, nice stuff!