Parents of teenagers...

[Ricepops]

Looking to understand what this phase is like

I have two DC, 7 and 4 and trying to decide whether to have third. I've read through a lot of MN threads about, and one thing that sticks out is that people say don't underestimate ha ING teenagers - they need you more as they get older etc. What does this mean in real terms? Are they competing for attention in the same way they do when they are young? Do they need more time in actual hours? Or is it more of an emotional wrench for the parent, as opposed to the amount of time actually spent parenting? I just can't quite imagine what it means so any feedback would be helpful.

You need a fair amount of actual hours available to put into monitoring them, ferrying them around, trying to talk to them to teach them to be a real human being and they keep you awake as much as toddlers with their late night snack raids! And of course bigger kids does mean bigger problems-sex, drugs, violence (depending on your area I suppose) and generally helping them through the difficulties of turning into an adult. But it’s also interesting and fun and worth every second!

I have a teenage ds...it's much tougher than I thought it would be. Firstly he does sports, which is great but I chauffeur him to training and matches three times a week. My DD is 11 and has an activity on the same night. I left the house at 6pm last night...took Ds to his activity, then took DD to hers, then went to pick ds up and then went to pick dd up...I didn't get home till 9pm...I'm their personal taxi driver! My teenager also doesn't go to bed until 10pm so I get virtually no child free time in the evening. Also some nights when I'm tired I would love to have an early night but can't go to bed until they do. They need input but are resistant to it...so trying to get them to do homework can be really tough. There's constant worry...social media, friendship issues, exams, and that's just the easy stuff. On top of that, teenage attitude and backchat can make you lose the will to live!

My teenagers are lovely. Don’t take up much time. Definitely aren’t competing for attention, but maybe that’s their personalities as I can’t remember them ever doing that. Mine are mostly tidy, mostly helpful, engage in school work and are independent at getting themselves up and out, have part time work etc. But I haven’t negotiated sex/relationships, pubs and clubs, driving and university type teenagers yet as mine are still in school.

Their friends are awesome, it’s great to be able to have groups of them in the house again just hanging out, and all the things they get up to. They are interesting and always changing.

Exam time is stressful. It’s hard in a way because you can’t step in and help in the way you used to, you have to let them handle it and make their own mistakes. It’s hard sometimes when you realise your family unit has different forms, in that the older ones often opt out of day trips etc. It can be hard to relate to teenagers as it’s their job to separate themselves from you, though of course they still need you. It’s a process. But I don’t think it’s necessarily a hard process.

Hi, I have three teens - 15, and 13 year old twins - so very much in the thick of the phase you're interested in!

I'm not sure they need you more as they get older, but they do need you more than you think they're going to when they're little. It's less of a physical need, but it's definitely harder work emotionally, at least some of the time.

Practically, in many ways our lives are much easier than they were when the kids were little. They can be left in the house on their own - at your kids' ages if I was taking one of them to something, I had to load all the others in the car etc. Two of them are perfectly capable of getting a meal for themselves/the others. They wash, dress, and organise themselves. I can ask them to go to the shop. You don't have that 'if we don't get dinner on the table by 6pm, the evening is going to be a nightmare!' feeling.

The things that I find harder: they go to bed late. This means the days of relaxing in the evening and feeling that your work is done are over (although they go to bed late, one cannot yet be trusted to brush their teeth, switch their phone off etc, so I don't switch off until last thing). I think this will pass soon, and they like the same TV as me etc, so it's not all bad having them there in the evening, but it is a change. Also, DH and I used to catch up with each other in the evening in a way that is often no longer possible.
Some of it is emotionally hard work - you're less able to fix their problems, some of the mood swings can be really draining, you worry about them (both for themselves way and bringing all your own unprocessed teenage-self stuff to it as well).

Overall, I feel positive about this stage of our lives, and for us, at the moment, it's easier than when they were little. But of course it's different for everyone.

I think the other thing, in your circumstances, is that your kids will be quite spread out - you'll be doing the stuff you're doing now and dealing with teenagers as well. I think I'd find that very hard (but I chose to have a very small gap of 18 months between my kids - though obviously the twins bit was a curveball!).

Looking at the other responses - I forgot the taxi-service. Last night, for example:

3pm school pick up (don't normally do this, but one of them had a big project to bring home)
6.30 - DD to sport 3 miles away
7 - DS to sport 3 miles away (same place as DD)
7.30 - DD2 walked to activity near house (as down dark alley), DD1 picked up from sport
8pm - DS picked up from sport
9pm - DD2 picked up and walked home.

Honestly? I've found having teenagers infinitely better and easier than having little children. Our teen DDs are really lovely (99% of the time) they're excellent company and we share the same sense if humour. I think I can only count on one hand the amount of times there has been any angst or real arguing?

They have lovely groups of friends, and also long term boyfriends who I'm very fond of (and even who DH reluctantly agrees are worthy of courting his precious, little angels).

They're both happy to still share their lives with us and, amazingly, don't seem embarrassed or irritated by us. We just all really get on and generally have a good time.

DD1 is now at university and sometimes I miss her so much it physically hurts. But she's in touch most days and is living her best life down there, so it's all good.

I always wanted 3 but we never had the space. My two are now teens and I don’t think I would have coped well with another child.
Mentally I find teenagers more draining. They need you more but push you away at the same time. They push boundaries and you need to be 20 steps ahead and ready to deal with the aftermath when it all goes wrong.
It is a real test on your own mental health and resilience.
You might be lucky and have confident, independent, engaged teens and in that case another child might not be an issue so I guess it all depends on their personalities.

@Comedycook

I have a teenage ds...it's much tougher than I thought it would be. Firstly he does sports, which is great but I chauffeur him to training and matches three times a week. My DD is 11 and has an activity on the same night. I left the house at 6pm last night...took Ds to his activity, then took DD to hers, then went to pick ds up and then went to pick dd up...I didn't get home till 9pm...I'm their personal taxi driver! My teenager also doesn't go to bed until 10pm so I get virtually no child free time in the evening. Also some nights when I'm tired I would love to have an early night but can't go to bed until they do. They need input but are resistant to it...so trying to get them to do homework can be really tough. There's constant worry...social media, friendship issues, exams, and that's just the easy stuff. On top of that, teenage attitude and backchat can make you lose the will to live!

Yup pretty much sums up my life/experience. Give me a 0-5 year old (or better still 5-10yrs) over teenagers ANY DAY.

I find the amount of time needed is similar to small children but it is very expensive, their expectations are a higher because they care what other people think so I do spend more on their clothes. Also when 16th, 18th and 21sts collide with driving lessons, buying and up keeping a car, student accommodation costs it gets pretty stressful!
That said, so much fun!

I don’t drive my teens around, they walk or bus to everything they need to do.

They aren’t into clothes or brands, if they do want something specific they buy it from their own earnings. I also find that other relatives buy them clothes for eg christmas and this is seen as acceptable, or they give them money, also acceptable, whereas they wouldn’t have done that when younger. The clothes they do buy last longer, as they are adult size now, and they are unlikely to outgrow them.

Older DC often doesn’t do to bed until 11pm+ but if I want time alone/to watch things that aren’t suitable/time with DH I tell them so and they go off and do other things, go out, video gaming, reading, video calling their friends or whatever they do, they will hole up in their rooms. Or they will join us and we play games or watch more grown up tv with them.

If you are worried about age gaps, I also have smaller/primary DC and the teenage will babysit, get smaller one from school, make dinner etc when asked.

I think it's going to depend on the teens in question and the area they're in.

We don't drive - so aren't ferrying them around plus there's good pubic transport links.

They aren't into sports - so we don't have to rush around for those either.

They aren't used to desinger stuff and many of there friends have less than they do.

Time wise they do like us around but not always actively engaing with them - so I don't find that so hard.

Mine had trantums quite late into childhood and needed a lot of support with school work which was very time intensive - so I've found them getting older mostly easier.

We had very little/no help when the kids were young it was DH and I and I have read on here that others in similar position have felt that's led to closer ties - I'm not sure if it's that.

Getting cats also helped - source of conversation and cat cuddles are really good on bad days.

Think we were also experinceing opt out of day out later than many other families do - if we do go somewere special even now 16 year old may come.

We don't seem to have yet had the dramas that others seem to - though my own parents maintain our teen years were horrific myself and younger sibling were exceptionally well behaved with little to no drama.

Money wise clothes cost more as tehy hit adult sizes but aren't outgrown as much with exception of teen DS - phones and contract though the have cheap phones and school trips cost more.

I never give lifts except to and from army cadets once a week. The rest of the time ds is either catching trains to and from college or walking to catch a bus to visit friends.

He is 16 but since 13 or 14 I have let him take himself off to bed on his own. I never stay up to make sure he sleeps at a good time. No need to.

Dead easy except for occasional strops.

The problems become bigger.

Our ‘difficult’ child became an anxious teen. We didn’t recognise when she was little. She needs a lot of calming and soothing.

In terms of time just more taxiing really. Less evening to yourself as they stay up later although you possibly won't see them unless they are hungry.

The biggest change is the emotional one. They have bigger, more grown up, more serious worries. Boyfriends / girlfriends, exams, more complicated friendships. It can be exhausting negotiating that but for me more rewarding than any other part of parenting so far.

One thing which made our lives much easier with teens was having good train links from our village into the local town and nearest city. So from them being 14 they could be pretty independent and manage their own social calendars. Plus, they have both had little part time jobs since being 13/14 so they (sort of) appreciate the value of money. We're still very generous with them but have never had (nor would tolerate) and entitled behaviour or open demands for money.

Honestly? I could have 10 babies/toddlers easy but teenagers are a different thing entirely. But they're all different. One of mine is independent so not much care needed but genuinely stresses the life out of me. Argues about EVERYTHING (literally everything, even things that have nothing to do with her) messy, lazy, expects to be given everything etc etc. Other one is lovely but still only 11.

I worry 100% more with teenagers than I ever did when they were smaller - friends, exams, staying in too much, going out too much, is the moodiness hiding something? It never stops.

I just don't think many people factor in the cost of teenagers when thinking about having a third child. We're in the thick of it (15 and 17 year olds) and the expense... clothes, food, travel, driving lessons, saving for University... they are not cheap like under 10's.

The only thing I've found difficult with teenagers has been the cost....it just never ends and is still going strong. The strops were interesting but definitely didn't last all that long in the scheme of things. You need to talk to them (or just be in the room with them) as it's easy for them to just lock themselves away and then you and they miss out. Other than that, I've honest loved every moment of it and mostly far more than I did when they were younger. They're adults in their own rights and have their own opinions, thoughts and beliefs...they make me very proud. Mine are 21, 19 and 17 now. x

Argues about EVERYTHING (literally everything, even things that have nothing to do with her) messy, lazy, expects to be given everything etc etc

Sounds exactly like my ds!

It’s just as much hard work as toddlers- just in a different way. I have a lovely teen - but flipping heck it’s draining! They are very needy.

Yy to the taxi service! DC 1 is always getting ferried around. 14yo. Has something on each evening of the week (except weekend). You get no peace to yourselves in the evening. They go to bed late.

It's definitely an actual hours thing rather than an emotional wrench. Our evenings have never been so busy. Clubs used to finish by 5.30, now we are ferrying them around until 9pm some nights.

It's lovely to lose the school run and the hour of bedtime every night, and we get to watch TV shows and play games that we actually like now rather than Peppa Pig or whatever. It's interesting and fun. But they take up way more headspace than younger ones, and a surprisingly similar amount of time. I suspect if you strictly added it up, they don't take more time than younger primary children, but somehow you end up with even less downtime.

They need input but are resistant to it
This is how my 15 year old DS is. Talking to him about his education, post GCSE options etc is hard work as it's a discussion he doesn't want to have. He tends to make up his own mind without letting us have any input, which is frustrating as we are still responsible for him.
On the plus side he is really independent.

They need you more than when they are toddlers. Don’t go clubbing with them (cringe), don’t post about them on social media. Just support and advise.

They don't go to bed early any more and want to talk to you at odd hours. Mine grunts at me when I ask how her day was at 4.30 pm but after 10.30 pm when I am just watching something and thinking of going to bed:
What do I know about the historical context of the night of the Long Knives? - really urgent as she has a test tomorrow.
The entire critical analysis of the last film she saw at the cinema - that I didn't see.
The time that M gave "space cookies" to A, who freaked out and her parents had to be called.
That she can handle her drink and doesn't vom like the others.
Something about spending New Years at her friend's family apartment at the coast where they are doing cocktails and playing truth or dare.
That she will fail all her exams before Xmas and she'd rather be dead than do her Chemistry exam.
So mostly I sit with face.
And you have to pay full attention otherwise there is sighing and huffing and accusations that you don't care about them at all
Otherwise they are lovely