Having another DC if you didn't enjoy the baby / toddler years?

[nutmegz]

I am asking for anyone reading this to please not judge me too harshly. Has anyone here ever felt like they really wanted another child, (a sibling for the first) but really not wanted the baby toddler stage? I am in this position and feel confused. DH and I really would like our DS who is 18 months to have a sibling, and I would like to grow two adults, but by god I have found the baby / toddler stage hard so far. I'm a SAHP not through choice but because my job was lost due to Covid and we have missed out on childcare (still on waiting list). My DH works really long hours so I look after DS wake up till bedtime 5 days a week. Whilst many mums may love this, I have found it really hard. I feel exhausted, lonely and bored whilst busy at the same time, fed up with zero time for myself and the general durge of housework etc etc. I have no family to help. I obviously adore my boy, but hopefully some women out there can understand how it's possible to love your child so much but also find it so hard and draining looking after them at home full time?

Anyway I'm nearly 40 and so if we want another child we need to get on with it. I really do love the idea of a family with two children as they get older. But not the early stages. Has anyone else ever felt this way about babies / toddlers and still ended up having another one?

The difficulty of how I have found looking after my toddler full time has put some strain on my marriage at times, although we've communicated about it. I also feel I may have experienced a bit of depression which could be late onset and having a baby in lockdown didn't help matters. What can I do to ensure I stay on top of all this if we do have another one?

No judgement but I would urge you to think very carefully about this. It seems to me that your circumstances are such that you are likely to find the early years even harder the second time round if you feeled trapped into being a SAHP.

Other than that the only advice I can give you is that, sometimes, there is a mismatch bw the family you want and the family you can actually manage. My ideal was 3 children, I'd always imagined life as a mother of 3. Truth was I had exactly enough mothering ability/energy inside me for 2. It was very hard facing up to the reality that I couldn't manage a third much as I wanted one.

Obviously this may not apply to you. Perhaps if you could find a way to combine work and motherhood you might (perversely) find things easier? And, tbf, having a child over the passed 18 months will have been all kinds of tough just through circumstance.

I don't judge atall. In your position I'd stick with the one

It's hard.

I had a terrible time when my eldest DC was a baby. I hated the baby stage. I had bad PND and being blunt I didn't enjoy being a mum until I was on mat leave with baby number two. We had a two year age gap and we thought long and hard about having another. What swung us was knowing how it had been first time around and putting things in place to help with that. And also accepting the baby stage isn't forever.

You mentioned that your DH works ling hours, you had no help and no time to yourself. Realistically, can you do anything to change any of that second time around?

I suppose you are a SAHM now whether you have another or not. Is this likely to change before DC starts school? If not, will having another really hold you back any? Once my kids were 5 and 3 I was able to go back to work full time and life definitely got easier from them onwards.

I feel like I understand completely.
We have a three year old, and I go round and round in circles about number 2 daily!
I honestly don't know if I could do it all again.
I want to for my dc1 to have a sibling but I just don't know. Although I'm not a sahp working from home during lockdown and no childcare was torture.
Lockdown really does have a lot to answer for . Sorry .. know that's not advice .. just know your not alone. Xx

ive agonised iver this, but concluded most people I know are closer to their best friends than they are their sibling. many even actively don't like them
so unless I personally really wanted a second I wouldn't be having another just to give one a sibling.

I was fine with my first, had an awful time with my second. Really bad and I was in a really mad place mentally for years afterwards (not all down to having a baby though). I swore I would never have a third but here I am with a 10 month old. Its been fine. Stressful at times but I've enjoyed most of it.

I had two close together despite not enjoying baby and under 3s. I am waiting for my 18 month old to grow up. Despite this I had an idea of 3 kids and in my heart I still do, but not sure I can manage it, I feel so much less stress when I only have to look after 1 child, so why make it harder by having 3?

I’m not a huge fan of the baby/toddler stages but I’ve had 4!!!! I’m a sahm but from about 12 months old all have gone to a childminder for 2 days a week (just during school hours so only 12 hours a week) - this just about saves my sanity, not everyone can afford the luxury, I do appreciate that but it does mean I have some child free time to sort the house out, do jobs etc, sit and have a cuppa in peace!

I hear you! I agonised over this decision for years until we unexpectedly found out we were expecting number 2 when my eldest was 4. It was hard going back to the baby stage again and I felt like those years really dragged on. I also really struggled with sleep deprivation.

But, they are 9 and 5 now and I’m so glad we went through it all again. In my ways my youngest was a far easier baby and I found it less stressful second time round because I’d already been through it. Time passes quickly too.

I don’t have family nearby either but I did go back to work after my mat leaves so it’s not the same circumstances. I suppose even if you got pregnant straightaway by the time the baby arrived you wouldn’t be too far off accessing the free nursery hours at 3 for the eldest.

I loved the newborn stage but hated the toddler age. I've got two we aimed for a 3 year gap so that the eldest had free child care which would mean not having too much time on my own with two kids! It was also better financially. For me I had always wanted two children so to be honest nothing would have out me off. Just remember although it feels it it not forever. Also we know slot if only children and their parents seem to struggle to entertain them whereas we are self sufficient and our kids can play together

Yes, I struggled terribly with the baby stage with my first. I had awful PND and just found it very hard going. We decided to start trying for our second very soon, so only ended up having a 16 month age gap (almost to get the baby stage over and done with 😬). I’m so so pleased I had a second, and they are now 6 and 7.

I found going from 1 to 2 MUCH easier than 0 to 1 for what it’s worth. I think a lot of my struggles with my first came from the huge life adjustments and sacrifices I’d had to make as a first time mother, and obviously by the time number 2 came along, I’d already been through the hard slog and had adjusted more 🤦‍♀️😂

My first born was an Angel who slept through as a newborn and was always happy. So I didn't feel like that.

If I had my second born first then yes absolutely she's 2 and only now getting better with the sleep. She's quite whingey and just totally different to first born. I cld not cope with her and another baby. I found going from 1 to 2 so difficult. Bit of a shock to the system which I'm now just getting over 🙈

If I were u not sure I wld have another.

The jump from having one to two is massive in how much of yourself you need to give, and how little of yourself you have left. I have two, and I was a SAHM for many years with both of them and it was really tough! I'm back at work now and that is really tough too!!

I wouldn't have it any other way and was never in any doubt about wanting two kids but you don't sound at all sure. It's hard work with one but much more with two . So I would think very carefully .

I hated the baby stage but knew I wanted a second child so did - much to my surprise, I've actually found it much more enjoyable second time round so it hasn't been the trial to get through I thought it would be. But I made the decision in the assumption it would be awful for a while but then worth it. But I would note:
a) I'd got to a stage I enjoyed with my first child (he was 2 when I conceived and I'd enjoyed from about 14 months onward) so that had knowledge it could pass - I'm not sure I could have done it in the thick of the stage I didn't like.
b) I was generally happy with our life set-up and how it would work with a second child. In your situation having a second baby would probably massively delay your return to work, and it sounds like that would be a huge downside.

I know it's really hard, because you don't have the luxury of time, but I would really look at how you can change your set-up first, even if that means getting pregnant quite quickly after starting a new job.

I felt the same way. Ive stuck with one as I just couldn't face going through it all again and in my experience, it was the entirety of the pre school years! 5 years is a LONG time to struggle.

Yes it would have been nice for my DS to have a sibling but not at the expense of my health and happiness.

If you have funds finances
To put toddler child in nursery or childminder even if you not working
And housekeeper etc
And baby minded so you can get break
Then do it
You won't turn be 24/7 on duty or 12 out if 24 hours whatever
If it all falls to you then don't
Plus increased chance of a baby child with additional needs given your age

Can you get private nanny or baby sitter in the meantime? Even few hours in day time so you can do your own thing ?

I also really struggled with my first baby and found the early years so hard! But we knew we still wanted to have two children so went for it. The early years don't last forever I was also a SAHM. Mine are 7 and 5 now, no regrets at all.

I didn't find 0-2 easy but I think I found it normally hard and didn't love being at home all the time on mat leave. Things felt easier after 12 months and I enjoyed that year.

Number 2 came when oldest 22 months and it's knocked me sideways. They are an easier baby and I feel love for her but God I've hated parenting my two year old plus a newborn. It's tipped the balance of my mental health, physical health, family, marriage, parent/child relationship massively. It's kind of made dislike the eldest (not rational or fair I know).

Lockdown does have a lot to answer for. I basically had mat leave with 1, return to work for a few weeks then work from home while pregnant whilst also looking after toddler, then newborn and toddler in time for a winter in lockdown and it's felt like grim endless hell ever since if I'm honest. I've basically had 3 years as a SAHM that I never wanted. I've never regained my footing since having two. I feel so trapped with them in the house (because for a long time, we literally were).

I love my second child but part of me is desperately jealous of my friends that stopped at 1. Even though I never found 1 easy now I know how easy it was in comparison, and how I could devote myself to 1, and how everyone was happier.

I keep waiting for it to get better but they're 3 and 1 now and I'm back at work after mat leave 2 (and it's out of the house!) but things feel so relentless they've tipped into joyless.

This is just my experience but I think if you have found 1 this rocky, 2 will tip the balance from hard into complete overwhelm.

Maybe in a few years time I will feel differently but I'm in a sad situation now and it's affecting everyone as unhappy Mum is so hard for children. I'm doing my best but - my experience is 1-2 has been brutal.

And whatever benefits my eldest might get from having a sibling, I'm sure he would rather a happier, less stretched family for his early years.

You can find playmates and social experiences. Much harder to replace a stable family dynamic.

I guess the reason I want a 2nd is more for the future rather than the now. I know my DS doesn't need a playmate initially. But as an adult caring for older parents it's so much better with two of you. Also after we've gone, for them to have each other. And the pleasure of interaction and being a family of 4 once they are a bit more independent / talking etc. All of these reasons.

I think it's a case of finding ways of making our situation work better next time, possibly by throwing money at it eg cleaner, childcare, babysitter. Fir example, DH and I have never had any time away from DS so far.

I found the toddler stage the worst, since he was able to move around. Baby stage was meh but ok (would have been much nicer if cafes and baby groups had been open). So I guess a new small baby would be okish. It's timing it so that the toddler years don't coincide too much I guess?

We have one dc. We're not having a second. I tell people it's because of infertility (needed IVF to conceive dc) but we never actually tried for a second mainly because I found the early years so difficult and we found out about an issue during IVF which means that there is a higher than normal chance of me having a baby with additional needs. I absolutely know that there is no chance I would be able to handle a child with additional needs, considering how difficult I found motherhood.

My dc is very happy; his cousins and friends have siblings but he hasn't mentioned it yet. It has definitely gotten a lot easier as he has gotten older but I don't think he's going to miss out by not having a sibling.

I decided against having another for this very reason. I'm an only child myself and I'm fine with it as an adult.

Yep. Horrendous near death pregnancy for me and dts. I've wanted a singleton to have that bond but then I'd be unfair to the dts. Not doing it again.

I hated the baby and toddler stage but still had number 2. She is only 2 months old but I've enjoyed newborn a lot more this time around - mostly because she sleeps better and cries less than my first. I've found the adjustment from 1-2 easier than 0-1 because I'm used to having no time.

The oldest is still in nursery even though I'm on mat leave, I don't know how I would cope otherwise.