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Original poster

Having another DC if you didn't enjoy the baby / toddler years?

32 replies

nutmegz · 09/12/2021 11:42

I am asking for anyone reading this to please not judge me too harshly. Has anyone here ever felt like they really wanted another child, (a sibling for the first) but really not wanted the baby toddler stage? I am in this position and feel confused. DH and I really would like our DS who is 18 months to have a sibling, and I would like to grow two adults, but by god I have found the baby / toddler stage hard so far. I'm a SAHP not through choice but because my job was lost due to Covid and we have missed out on childcare (still on waiting list). My DH works really long hours so I look after DS wake up till bedtime 5 days a week. Whilst many mums may love this, I have found it really hard. I feel exhausted, lonely and bored whilst busy at the same time, fed up with zero time for myself and the general durge of housework etc etc. I have no family to help. I obviously adore my boy, but hopefully some women out there can understand how it's possible to love your child so much but also find it so hard and draining looking after them at home full time?

Anyway I'm nearly 40 and so if we want another child we need to get on with it. I really do love the idea of a family with two children as they get older. But not the early stages. Has anyone else ever felt this way about babies / toddlers and still ended up having another one?

The difficulty of how I have found looking after my toddler full time has put some strain on my marriage at times, although we've communicated about it. I also feel I may have experienced a bit of depression which could be late onset and having a baby in lockdown didn't help matters. What can I do to ensure I stay on top of all this if we do have another one?

OP posts:

mightbeyesmightbeno · 09/12/2021 15:02

@nutmegz

I guess the reason I want a 2nd is more for the future rather than the now. I know my DS doesn't need a playmate initially. But as an adult caring for older parents it's so much better with two of you. Also after we've gone, for them to have each other. And the pleasure of interaction and being a family of 4 once they are a bit more independent / talking etc. All of these reasons.

I think it's a case of finding ways of making our situation work better next time, possibly by throwing money at it eg cleaner, childcare, babysitter. Fir example, DH and I have never had any time away from DS so far.

I found the toddler stage the worst, since he was able to move around. Baby stage was meh but ok (would have been much nicer if cafes and baby groups had been open). So I guess a new small baby would be okish. It's timing it so that the toddler years don't coincide too much I guess?

Your first paragraph here is me.

I'm currently TTC #2 (am excited about it now but I took a while to get here).

My DD is exactly 18 months also and I must admit that a lot of the times I didn't enjoy it I think I can blame on covid. When she was born I couldn't see friends & family like I would have liked. I spent last winter going for wet, cold & miserable walks because that was all we could do to try and meet other new mums / make friends etc. It was hard.

I found 0-3m ok, 3-9 months not ok at all, 9+ months better. But I'm still not a baby / child person! What made it better for me was going back to work part time.

I do not think I'd be able to have stayed off the whole time with my DD. I now massively look forward to seeing her and our days together because it's not all the time. You are amazing for being a SAHM not through choice.

I'm 35 now and we've decided to have #2 (if we can) because I don't want to get out of the nappy stage / get rid of all the baby stuff and have to restart again perhaps when DD is 5 say. I want DD to have a sibling, I am so incredibly close to my 2 sisters that I want to give her that opportunity to have a sibling. I can't put my finger on it but I just feel like our family is complete yet.

This sounds awful to say but what swung it for me was weighing up : would I regret not having another child more than I would regret it? I know myself and if I don't then I will always regret & wonder what if.

This is my own personal thoughts and experience. No judgement from others please, this is my choice.

Good luck in decision making, and feel free to private message me if you want to x

Kinsters · 09/12/2021 15:43

Not exactly answering your question but are there things you can do to rearrange your day to share parenting during the week a bit? My DH works long hours too and if DD had a "normal" bed time I'd be caring for her from wake up till bed time all week. So we put her to bed at 10pm and she wakes up at 8am and it works so much better as DH is there for her dinner, bath time and bedtime plus with her not waking until 8 my day doesn't feel quite as long. We're expecting our second any day now and if I had to do bedtime for two of them by myself I think I'd crumble! Even if you couldn't go as late as we do could you shift timings a little bit so you're at least not doing bedtime alone every night?

TallulahsCurse · 09/12/2021 15:46

@nutmegz

These aren't reasons to have children. You have them because you want to raise them, now, as they are. I have no siblings and it doesn't bother me at all. Have the children because you want to raise them, not because they might look after you, that's the totally wrong reason. You could, in theory have 5 children and for whatever reason none of them would take on caring duties if needed! .

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MarmitesMyMate · 09/12/2021 15:51

I have 3 but ones much older

When I had 2nd. I found it ' easy' fun etc etc . But definitely agree with the daily grind being a sahm.
We fell with 3rd. (was told we wouldn't conceive without treatment and did.)
And he's such hard work.
. I found it not fun , Not easy, dull depressing etc the age gap was just shy of 2 years between 2nd and.

However. I didn't get to do clubs and soft play, farms etc due to lockdown. We also moved house and other stuff..

Im close to 40
DH would love another. I absolutely 1000000 percent do not!

I feel Awful saying it but I cannot wait till youngest is at pre school!

rhowton · 09/12/2021 15:52

I would have 3 or 4 children if I was given 2.5 year olds. I hate the early years with an absolute passion and the reason there is a year between my children is because I wanted to get it all out of the way as quickly as possible. If you want another, I would go for it, but just be aware that it will be shit for 2.5 years and then WILL get better. There is also a huge jump going from 1 to 2 children, and it is exhausting and relentless. I now have a 2.5 year old and a 4 year old and I finally feel like im thriving.

Blahdyblahbla · 09/12/2021 15:53

I hated the baby stage, in every way, for so many reasons. Pushed on through, had another, hated the baby stage but we're through it now and have 2 beautiful dc who are amazing. So it was worth it.
But I absolutely wouldn't do it if I had to be a SAHP, I'd lose my mind with it.

Salvagethisandthat · 09/12/2021 17:58

This went through my mind too and I am glad we went ahead and had more than one dc. I am an older parent and I'm raising my dc to get on well together and they do interact really well. However, I am sahp and I feel much relief that my youngest (and definitely last) dc is heading off to school in September.

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