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Original poster

Another MIL one… raging

40 replies

Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 14:59

Posting to vent but my flipping mother in law has outdone herself today. These sort of outbursts happen often.

We are a Muslim family, DH south Asian myself white convert (unfortunately my ethnicity has been a ‘problem’ with the extended family MIL included).
We have 2 kids, DD 2 and a bit and DS born a week ago. Tradition says the name gets chosen today. We chose a name, means strong and powerful in Arabic (it’s a direct quranic name). DH told MIL the name a few days ago and she loved it. Fast forward to today and he’s just had what can only be described as a tirade of abuse from her around the name. DDs name got brought up too as it’s apparently a non Muslim name ( it’s actually the Arabic for sign/ miracle/ verse of quran). So some nosey relative has been around slagging my sons name off and rather than defend her son and grandson, she decides to pile it on and demand we change the name, as it’s bringing shame and embarrassment and we’re not Muslim any more because of it.
DH was nearly crying and shaking because of the vitriol. I’m so angry at her. She’s absolutely awful with children, DD hates her, we let her watch her once when we worked, she let her sit in a dirty nappy and when dd was learning to walk she tripped and hit her head and hit mum lied to us and tried to cover it up, we weren’t sure how she fell (we knew she tripped walking but as in back wards, forwards, did she break her fall etc) or on what surface as we have plush carpet (then it’s nbd) but also marble tile floor ( much more of a big deal). So she awful with kids and then thinks she can demand how we raise ours and berate DH about a name when it should be a happy day, who does that. DH does everything for her and she never stands up for him and uses him as a punch bag Angry

Ugh. Sorry. Rant over.

OP posts:
threebillboards · 07/12/2021 15:05

Rant is pretty much all you can do in the circumstances. DH sounds unlikely to pull away from his mum, which is unsurprising as the cultural ties are very strong.

Personally I would move to the other side of the country, or world to get away from his family, as that would be acceptable, but there is unlikely to be a resolution around the name without a family bust up.

Not much you can do except distance yourself as politely as possible

Kennykenkencat · 07/12/2021 15:08

So some nosey relative has been around slagging my sons name off and rather than defend her son and grandson, she decides to pile it on and demand we change the name, as it’s bringing shame and embarrassment and we’re not Muslim any more because of it

Tell her you have decided on the Name George. Henry, Carlos, Pierre and watch the steam coming from her ears

I am of the opinion that you never tell anyone what name you are going to call your child as someone will always have a negative opinion on it and won’t keep it to themselves

Dillydollydingdong · 07/12/2021 15:14

I usually defend the MIL because I'm a MIL myself. Can't do it this time though.

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Families
Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 15:15

@Kennykenkencat

So some nosey relative has been around slagging my sons name off and rather than defend her son and grandson, she decides to pile it on and demand we change the name, as it’s bringing shame and embarrassment and we’re not Muslim any more because of it

Tell her you have decided on the Name George. Henry, Carlos, Pierre and watch the steam coming from her ears

I am of the opinion that you never tell anyone what name you are going to call your child as someone will always have a negative opinion on it and won’t keep it to themselves

I agree! There’s nothing like either kids or weddings to make twats come out of the woodwork!

Thing is she liked the name. It just the sense of entitlement that gets me, bullying to get her own way. It’s a classic move on her behalf

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 07/12/2021 15:18

Some people from another culture do things that are culturally different but still manage to be kind and respectful.
Other people from another culture are toxic and abusive and should just be avoided as much as possible.
Read up on toxic families and lay the groundwork, when you have recovered from the birth, (congratulations on your new baby), to protect yourselves from this person. In the meantime, grey rock technique and as low contact as possible.
And breathe...

Hen2018 · 07/12/2021 15:23

Presumably you’re keeping the name you have chosen?

What effect is the “crying, shaking and raging” going to have?

Ozanj · 07/12/2021 15:23

She’s lucky her DS didn’t marry another south asian. Because usually the naming ceremony gets done and dusted by the maternal side often without the in laws even being notified. I think you should find some trusted female role models in the extended family, who are also dils, and start doing exactly what they do. She will hate it.

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 15:23

@PerseverancePays

Some people from another culture do things that are culturally different but still manage to be kind and respectful. Other people from another culture are toxic and abusive and should just be avoided as much as possible. Read up on toxic families and lay the groundwork, when you have recovered from the birth, (congratulations on your new baby), to protect yourselves from this person. In the meantime, grey rock technique and as low contact as possible. And breathe...
She and I don’t speak the same language or else she’d have got a serious piece of my mind today, and It wouldn’t have just been the hormones lol. It’s all on DH and we all know the real reason is because I’m white so anything I do is a problem because it’s from me
OP posts:
Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 15:25

@Hen2018

Presumably you’re keeping the name you have chosen?

What effect is the “crying, shaking and raging” going to have?

Well I’m just angry at the entitlement and how she bullies her only son, who literally just bought her a new £1000 security system of her house ( that he pays for) because she broke the old one.

The shaking is DH and I’m guessing it’s at the things he just had to listen to, she’s toxic but he loves his mum

OP posts:
Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 15:26

@Ozanj

She’s lucky her DS didn’t marry another south asian. Because usually the naming ceremony gets done and dusted by the maternal side often without the in laws even being notified. I think you should find some trusted female role models in the extended family, who are also dils, and start doing exactly what they do. She will hate it.
That’s what she wanted though, preferably a cousin. I’m a gold digger with no family values apparently. :)
OP posts:
mugglenutmeg · 07/12/2021 15:28

You are entitled to be fuming, frustrated and hurt. And just a week after giving birth I'm sure you feel fragile and hormonal too. She sounds like an utter cow and what an unhappy woman she must be, being so wound up about what other people think of her.

I feel fit your poor DH too, who in addition to being on the receiving end of her tirade is probably worried about you and baby right now too.

All you can do is be calm and firm (do your ranting on here!) and try to politely step away from her at every opportunity while supporting your DH too.

Good luck, congratulations and enjoy your new baby!

Hen2018 · 07/12/2021 15:29

“Well I’m just angry at the entitlement and how she bullies her only son, who literally just bought her a new £1000 security system of her house ( that he pays for) because she broke the old one.”

I think your DH needs to seek help. Didn’t you need that money as a family?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 07/12/2021 15:30

Im impressed you got 'raging' AND 'crying and shaking' in there. Very MN of you.

In all seriousness though, how does your DH feels about distancing himself?

I have a similar story. Mine is the FiL. Hes a racist idiot, I really hate him. I dont encourage meet ups with him. Will never facilitate anything. If my DH wants to meet up thats ok him to organise, but I dont see him, nor do I let my son see him. Would this approach work for you?

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 16:39

Haha @Letsallscreamatthesistene did it get the MN ‘triggered’ jackpot? I’d have thought that would have been fuming instead of raging LOL.

DH won’t let me ‘ban’ her from contact even though I think it’s entirely justified.

@Hen2018 if only you knew… DH has been supporting her ungrateful ass financially and in every single other way since he was 18 years old. Every single food shop, dentist trip, bill, house improvement has fallen on his shoulders since he left school. All the more reason why I’m so cross at how she acts. Nasty woman

OP posts:
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 16:44

Just tell her she's being inappropriate or rather your dh should tell her and protect his wife and baby.

When the phone rings

You don't have to answer. When the door knocks, you don't have to open it.

Jjjayfee · 07/12/2021 16:50

Nasty is nasty regardless of cultural background. Your husband needs to value your love above his mother's (although is it love she is showing??)and I speak as a mil. And if she was a white mil intolerant of her non white Dil it would be unacceptable in every respect and it is the same vice versa imo. I know the definition of racism is that only the dominant culture can be racist but imo power lies in different aspects of society..in families as well as governments in this case. I hope I am making sense? For but your corner and do what you think is best.

stairway · 07/12/2021 16:56

What was your son’s name? I’m guessing your daughter is called Aya which is a lovely Muslim name. I’m a white covert too but my in-laws are nice ( North African) sometimes culture and religion gets confused ( a lot)

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 16:57

DH did defend us and our choice although frankly it doesn’t ‘need’ defending. He told her he doesn’t want to see her or to meet our son until she apologised to all of us.

Obviously as a white Briton I don’t experience racism in the wider cultural sense but I absolutely do in the context of his family, I’m severely LC with all of them due to it, it’s just his mum is harder and despite her being the worlds worst with children and being so toxic and well a selfish attention seeking bully he wants her to be In their life.

This is another moan of mine (I have so many lol) she wants the children ferried to her to visit her in her house whilst she watches TV and barely interacts with them. Most other grandparents want to be involved in activities, not her. We tried and she moaned and complained the whole time and ruined the day out for everyone

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 07/12/2021 17:00

Tell her you have decided on the Name George. Henry, Carlos, Pierre and watch the steam coming from her ears

This. Tell her that you've had a change of heart and have decided to honour your original culture instead, given that her side of the family have been so rude and ungracious.

And then move far away - because this isn't going to improve.

WhenSepEnds · 07/12/2021 17:11

@Kanfuzed123

Posting to vent but my flipping mother in law has outdone herself today. These sort of outbursts happen often.

We are a Muslim family, DH south Asian myself white convert (unfortunately my ethnicity has been a ‘problem’ with the extended family MIL included).
We have 2 kids, DD 2 and a bit and DS born a week ago. Tradition says the name gets chosen today. We chose a name, means strong and powerful in Arabic (it’s a direct quranic name). DH told MIL the name a few days ago and she loved it. Fast forward to today and he’s just had what can only be described as a tirade of abuse from her around the name. DDs name got brought up too as it’s apparently a non Muslim name ( it’s actually the Arabic for sign/ miracle/ verse of quran). So some nosey relative has been around slagging my sons name off and rather than defend her son and grandson, she decides to pile it on and demand we change the name, as it’s bringing shame and embarrassment and we’re not Muslim any more because of it.
DH was nearly crying and shaking because of the vitriol. I’m so angry at her. She’s absolutely awful with children, DD hates her, we let her watch her once when we worked, she let her sit in a dirty nappy and when dd was learning to walk she tripped and hit her head and hit mum lied to us and tried to cover it up, we weren’t sure how she fell (we knew she tripped walking but as in back wards, forwards, did she break her fall etc) or on what surface as we have plush carpet (then it’s nbd) but also marble tile floor ( much more of a big deal). So she awful with kids and then thinks she can demand how we raise ours and berate DH about a name when it should be a happy day, who does that. DH does everything for her and she never stands up for him and uses him as a punch bag Angry

Ugh. Sorry. Rant over.

Congrats on the baby, sorry about the MiL..... she needs to wind her neck in. Your baby, not hers and that's really all she needs to know
Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 17:35

@stairway yes that’s right her name is Aya, and the person who said it wasn’t a Muslim name thus unleashing a takfiri tirade was a ‘hajji’- clearly an experience lost on him. Pretty embarrassing I’d say to not realise the word Aya is an Islamic one. We called our son Aydin.

@SirChenjins your spot on it’s not going to get better. We live 30 mins down the road from his family (2 motor way stops down about 8/10 miles) and you wouldn’t believe the grief we got, it was literally like we moved to Timbuktu. We can’t move away though, we own our home and it’s close to where we work…. Maybe we can just tell them we moved away lol

OP posts:
stairway · 07/12/2021 18:18

Aydin is a great name and works in both cultures.

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 20:45

It’s a disgusting English name apparently. Fucking hate this us v them mentality, like everything ‘western’ is synonymous with moral corruption and must be avoided

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 07/12/2021 20:51

Aydin sounds lovely! I think it sounds like a warrior, of some sort. Your MIL is a ridiculous bonkers old bag, and I would be as simpering nice to her as possible,in the hope that the old hag would spontaneously combust.

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 21:16

@Funnylittlefloozie

Aydin sounds lovely! I think it sounds like a warrior, of some sort. Your MIL is a ridiculous bonkers old bag, and I would be as simpering nice to her as possible,in the hope that the old hag would spontaneously combust.
Thank you!

Ah That would be like swallowing fire lol. She’s the type though that ends up throwing it back In your face.

I just don’t get the mentality of hating everything ‘English’ when you live here…

OP posts: