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Original poster

Another MIL one… raging

40 replies

Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 14:59

Posting to vent but my flipping mother in law has outdone herself today. These sort of outbursts happen often.

We are a Muslim family, DH south Asian myself white convert (unfortunately my ethnicity has been a ‘problem’ with the extended family MIL included).
We have 2 kids, DD 2 and a bit and DS born a week ago. Tradition says the name gets chosen today. We chose a name, means strong and powerful in Arabic (it’s a direct quranic name). DH told MIL the name a few days ago and she loved it. Fast forward to today and he’s just had what can only be described as a tirade of abuse from her around the name. DDs name got brought up too as it’s apparently a non Muslim name ( it’s actually the Arabic for sign/ miracle/ verse of quran). So some nosey relative has been around slagging my sons name off and rather than defend her son and grandson, she decides to pile it on and demand we change the name, as it’s bringing shame and embarrassment and we’re not Muslim any more because of it.
DH was nearly crying and shaking because of the vitriol. I’m so angry at her. She’s absolutely awful with children, DD hates her, we let her watch her once when we worked, she let her sit in a dirty nappy and when dd was learning to walk she tripped and hit her head and hit mum lied to us and tried to cover it up, we weren’t sure how she fell (we knew she tripped walking but as in back wards, forwards, did she break her fall etc) or on what surface as we have plush carpet (then it’s nbd) but also marble tile floor ( much more of a big deal). So she awful with kids and then thinks she can demand how we raise ours and berate DH about a name when it should be a happy day, who does that. DH does everything for her and she never stands up for him and uses him as a punch bag

Ugh. Sorry. Rant over.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/12/2021 21:42

Tell her you’re calling him Jack.

She sounds a pain and the whole business overbearing. But.. really you have a DP problem - is willing for you to go low contact? Because to take a giant step back is what you need.

MrsLarry · 07/12/2021 21:47

Tell the old bat to bog off. Your children, your choices. She's had her time and her own children.

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 21:50

@Luredbyapomegranate

Tell her you’re calling him Jack.

She sounds a pain and the whole business overbearing. But.. really you have a DP problem - is willing for you to go low contact? Because to take a giant step back is what you need.

Nah it’s not a DH problem, it’s a hard situation for him and he does put her in her place but he’s been caring for her pretty much all his life. He’s basically her ‘retirement plan’ doesn’t give a damn about him just that he takes care of her in old age. His dad left her for another woman and she’s vulnerable as she can’t speak English, never went school etc, can’t drive, can’t (read as won’t) take public transport, can’t read, can’t write (just her name) so he’s got a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and she’s emotionally manipulated him for years

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Families

DesdemonaDryEyes · 07/12/2021 21:55

Bet your glad you converted to Muslim as they sound like a right welcoming bunch.

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 22:02

@DesdemonaDryEyes

Bet your glad you converted to Muslim as they sound like a right welcoming bunch.

I am actually because the religion (Islam not Muslim as you said) is actually nothing like this, which is why how certain groups of people behave is really quite infuriating. Unfortunately it’s just sectarianism and cultural prejudice and those things are sadly universal and found in all communities, faith or otherwise.

OP posts:

Zerrin13 · 07/12/2021 22:02

My mil is from a different culture to myself.
I've been married for nearly 20 years.
What i have learnt over the years is to zone out and ignore her when she interferes and tries to force her opinions on me. Its been extremely difficult to get to this point and me and her have had our moments but I just mentally detach nowadays. She used to make my blood boil. She can be very controlling and everyone in her family seems to dance to her tune! My husband will look after his parents until the day they die. You won't change this im afraid. This is the way many Muslim families work. Parents are put on a pedestal.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 07/12/2021 22:16

They are absolutely universal which is why I couldn’t understand why that was how you presented your situation.

Pinkgold1 · 07/12/2021 22:17

Why is your DH prioritising his toxic abusive mother over his dw and dc? DH needs to stop bankrolling the bitch. You all need to go NC.

Moonwatcher1234 · 07/12/2021 22:27

@DesdemonaDryEyes

Bet your glad you converted to Muslim as they sound like a right welcoming bunch.

And you sound ignorant so isn’t that nice? OP, that’s awful and your treatment, as you say, is cultural not religious. The names you’ve chosen are beautiful and I hope nothing is marred by your MIL’s awful tantrum.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 07/12/2021 22:27

Does your dh know an Iman or Islamic scholar who could put her right about the names? Not that you should have to justify your choice, but I’d be getting support and then (inwardly) do the “Told you so” dance.

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 22:30

@Pinkgold1

Why is your DH prioritising his toxic abusive mother over his dw and dc? DH needs to stop bankrolling the bitch. You all need to go NC.

She’d tell a v different tale how he neglects her… tedious woman. He considers her all the family he has, she’s engrained in him it’s always just been him and her and how much he owes her etc… like PP said there is a placing of parents on pedestals. I’m practically 0 contact with her (for the sake of my blood pressure) but I can’t tell him how to manage his own relationship with his parents

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 07/12/2021 22:32

…and you bother with her because ???? She sounds vile.

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 07/12/2021 22:34

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

I told him to just post a screenshot of quranic names.com with our sons name and meaning that says ‘direct quranic name meaning xyz’ so any interfering so and so can read it. The mosque the family attend is SO cultural and I have 0 faith in the imam there, there’s a lot of coerced marriages, consanguineous marriages, generally abusive cultural practices that are being perpetrated by the most faithful attends there… feel like that sort of stuff it’s the imams responsibility to stamp out and make abundantly clear has no place in the religion.

OP posts:

DesdemonaDryEyes · 07/12/2021 23:00

@Moonwatcher1234

Thanks for that insight.

Pollypocket2021 · 02/01/2022 08:56

@Kanfuzed123

Posting to vent but my flipping mother in law has outdone herself today. These sort of outbursts happen often.

Ugh. Sorry. Rant over.

Get your DH to tell MIL there’s no such thing as a “Muslim” name, they’re Arabic names. Get him to tell her this as he should be dealing with her, and that you have to also give consideration to your culture so the next child will have a proper English name 😊

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