Feel weird about Christmas presents

[GozillaGirl]

And wondering if anyone has ever felt the same and can shed light on why.

So I love buying for children, my own and others', and like buying people's birthday presents. But generally I don't like doing the whole Christmas present giving and receiving among adults. In my family it's far too much pressure, with gift giving taking center stage and everyone going over the top. I am really struggling with money at the minute so resent buying things that I know they won't like, as anything they would like I can't afford. And I don't love them buying me useless stuff I don't need when they / I could have done with the money for groceries. In general I don't like stuff. I try and have little of it in my house, I only like having things I absolutely need or love, and then I want to choose them myself. My siblings are very materialistic and love receiving and requesting things that my parents can't afford, which has always been a bit of a difference in wavelength. They also get me things they would like, even though I don't, and would be very offended at the thought of me not wanting it.

Anyway, this year, although I have bought everyone's present already I feel really weird about the receiving. I feel really really against it, like the thought of being given anything makes me feel paniced and upset. I've been asked what I would like and the mere scrolling through a website to see if there's anything makes me feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I absolutely hate the idea of someone handing me a present and having to go through the whole unwrapping, pretending to love it, and so on. I just don't want more stuff! It's a totally bizzare disproportionate reaction, very unlike me. Usually I either tell people exactly what I want if asked, or thank them and give it to a charity shop. I really don't know why I can't seem able to even think about what I would like without feeling very upset. But I need to figure it out before Christmas as obviously I need to react like a normal person!

I have felt.like this since I was about 12. At the age of 42 I have finally managed engineer it so I receive no birthday presents at all. It was hard work getting there.

Christmas is both easier and harder! Easier because on my side adults do charity gifts and have done for years so that's brilliant. Harder because PIL go all out and my first Christmases with DH were excruciating for me. First one I counted that I received 19 individual presents.

They have really toned down this year and DH helps me out by suggesting to PIL they get us a joint gift and then choosing something he wants.

I hate receiving presents as well and don't celebrate my birthday. I think Xmas gifts between adults is stupid and annoying and a waste of money. I don't like consumerism and dislike being given stuff that I don't want.

I don't give Christmas presents to adults beyond my partner and a small token (something like socks or a book) to any person I spend Christmas morning with (not much help if the whole family gets together). It does need a bit of notice so best to do it next year not this year, but I was really pleased how much it reduced my stress.

Present giving all sounds very loaded and dysfunctional in your family, so no wonder it is causing you anxiety. This might help reassure you:

My siblings and I just ask for things we need. So one of my brothers is getting me tea towels, my sister is getting me leggings, another is getting me socks. One brother wants an iron so I'm getting that. I don't have room for loads of stuff living in a flat with a small child and none of us have money to waste.

We just ask for specific things we need as well j. Our family.
Maybe just tell them you’d prefer vouchers?

I'm really starting to agree that gift giving amongst adults is silly. Especially if you get to the point where you are makings lists for people. It's just so much easier not to do it. I've told my adult children not to get us gifts. we can afford to buy what we need and like. If they got a bottle of wine and some chocolates that would be fine.

I really struggle now that my children are adults, and have partners. Christmas has somehow become a chore - I don't want to be the one giving useless or unwanted gifts. Admittedly I struggle to find a nice gift for their partners.

Since this year is already organized, GozillaGirl, accept graciously, but let them know that next year you really don't want any gifts, and remind them next fall.

I think you'll need to grit your teeth and do it this year but make it the last. In the spring, I'd send a generic email/letter to all the adults involved saying that you'd prefer to not exchange gifts with any of them in the future as you are concerned about the damage that over-commercialism does to the planet (or similar guff). Be firm and expect some head wobbling but they will have got over it by next Christmas. Don't weaken and remind the forgetful ones in October.

You are reacting like a normal person, most people aren't normal, or rational at least. Just because something is common, doesn't mean that it's a good idea. If it was, places like McDonalds, Subway and Greggs wouldn't exist in the form that they do.

The current situation generally is totally bonkers and needs to stop due to the waste and the pressure on people who don't have money to waste participating in a charade that makes no sense.

Just accept any presents you do get graciously, because it's just easier to lie and pretend rather than be honest, something else that makes no sense at all, but there you go.

Then sell or donate what you don't want, and then be firm next year. No presents and then do your own thing. Use the money you've saved to buy the things you need and want for yourself and DC.

Tell them you either want no presents and won't give any, or set a price limit of £10 or whatever and only buy to that amount as well.

We've never given gifts worth more than about £10ish in my family, it helps to control excess.

You could also suggest a secret Santa where adults only get one gift and give one gift. If your family are into presents tho, they might not go for it!

A couple of years ago we changed to edible presents only. It’s been hard for my mum but I cannot have anymore stuff in my house.

This way she gets to buy something (usually gin for me) but it’s useful and gets used up.

Worth a try?

Totally agree OP, you're not weird. It's expensive, unnecessary and you're almost guaranteed to get the wrong thing. In our family we do gifts for the kids only which is such a relief. When I had a big party for a big birthday some years back (nearly due another one now ) I asked people to give to charity if they really had to give something

Since we moved abroad it's been harder to do this kind of present exchange. Agreed with BIL and SIL that they buy a present for themselves from us and we buy presents for us from them with no money or actual goods exchanged.

Because we are boring adults we bought a backpack and a sewing box for ourselves. What BIL and SIL buy is up to them

So with you on this OP! I love buying presents, especially for birthdays or 'just because..' and love getting Christmas stuff for my DCs although they're young adults now, so not quite as much fun.

But the family all sat around handing out presents to adults is excruciating and even if we give/receive a 'decent' gift it's often not quite right in the recipient's opinion. Not because they're ungrateful, just because taste is very personal.

My ex-MIL used to buy lovely gifts intended for me, but they'd be clothes she thought I should wear for example, that just weren't 'me' - yet I could have pointed out loads of clothes that were 'me', were probably cheaper, would have been worn etc.

There's also so much loaded passive aggression going on too. One of the last times my DM got me a gift she got me EXACTLY the same item of clothing as she got for my SIL (who is a totally different age, colouring, shape, size). She explained at the time that she was sorry about this, but if I'd had anything different, any nicer or more expensive my brother would be angry and upset!! It was easier to give me the same. To avoid upsetting him she's never bought for me again but continues to buy increasingly more lovely gifts for SIL

Can you ask for eg. M& S vouchers? Then spend them on food / underwear / essentials?

I think all this agonising over presents between adults is really daft.

I feel similarly. I've been trying for years to persuade my family not to do presents, there are no children. But it's hard when my tat-loving SIL turns up at Christmas with a huge bag of presents, makes a fuss of handing them out and wants everyone to open them together. I appreciate the thought, but every year she gets me something like a cheap, toxic, glittery candle. My family probably think I'm tight, but I simply don't care and hate plastic junk and wastefulness. And the performative collective present opening.. urgh. All I'm interested in at Christmas is seeing my family, relaxing, and having a good crack at the cheeseboard. I always take a good bottle of wine, some nice cheeses and other treat bits/a dessert which everyone enjoys. I'd prefer to just do that.

DPs family have given me some of the worst Christmas tat - no kids either but Christmas to them is still all about the presents. This year they've bought us an expensive coffee machine which to be fair is really generous and actually useful, but I'm so uncomfortable with it.

This is why we do secret Santa in our family, with everyone providing a wishlist as to what they want. Stopped arguments and made it sooo much easier for people.

The present giving/choosing is mostly about the giver, I think. It sounds as if you are feeling you're increasingly not on the same page as your adult family members. Kids don't have as much of a loaded 'transactional' angle to receiving presents. They'd like to give you items, you would rather not have them. It's uncomfortable not to appreciate someone's work. Add everything else to the mix like obligations and work demands and time, and I think it creates something like a burnout where you can't be relaxed about anything that you feel has a control issue around it.

The opposite of this was a week or so ago, where I went to a course for a weekend and there was a very early Christmas dinner served as part of it. I wasn't expecting it and it was the first I've really enjoyed for ages, as I didn't have to plan and cook it, it wasn't fixed to the 25 December and guests that may or may not be able to come. It was just relaxed.

We still do adult gifts, it usually it’s consumables only, though, and nothing very expensive. Nobody I know, at least none of the older ones, wants any more ‘stuff’. If younger ones want something specific, that’s different, but I wouldn’t buy anything unless I knew it was what they wanted.

I sympathise. For the grown-ups, we are trying to do only food, drink, plants and books (2nd hand is fine), with the odd cheap little item in other categories if we come across something in the pound shop or ebay or the back of a cupboard that's perfect for someone.

Ugh last Christmas my aunt gave me loads of shitty little presents. Zara hand sanitiser which makes me heave was one. I just wash my hands before I go out. I literally go to Sainsbury's and back, I don't need ridiculously priced sanitiser. If I needed sanitiser, I'd get something lightly fragranced.

I’d send a message to them all in the first half of next year and tell them you don’t want to do presents anymore because of the expense and the environment.

Wow thanks for all the responses, I feel much better after seeing that you feel the same! Was starting to worry that I had become real joyless about Christmas.

I have tried for years now to say no presents or put a price cap, every time I get told no by everyone else. My mum told me that I was horrible for not liking Christmas shopping as it's a chance to show family that you appreciate them. My sister said I was ungrateful and deliberately putting her down as she always spends a lot and thinks very hard about presents and me saying I'd rather not do them is telling her it's all crap. Brother said that it showed I don't want to be part of the family now I have my own family! Madness. It doesn't seem to matter when in the year I raise this, always a firm no. They say it's fine for me to spend what I want to but they want to get us things as normal. Everyone tells me I'm being a Scrooge.

It's also difficult because our kids are the only children in the immediate family so of course they get spoiled. I have said one gift each is fine and none for me and DP as everyone gets something for our DC, but they all go mad with it! So even more pressure for me to get them nice things.

@CatrinVennastin I like the idea of edible presents that might help as then I could get use out of it and it wouldn't take over the house!

@Ormally I think you're totally right about the control. Every other year we go to DP's family and I don't feel like that at all, we just get everyone chocolates or socks, sometimes receive the same, it's all very relaxed and presents maybe for kids. Some years some adults don't give anything and it's all fine.

That should say presents only for kids not maybe, kids always get things and we all love buying for them.