Feel weird about Christmas presents

[GozillaGirl]

And wondering if anyone has ever felt the same and can shed light on why.

So I love buying for children, my own and others', and like buying people's birthday presents. But generally I don't like doing the whole Christmas present giving and receiving among adults. In my family it's far too much pressure, with gift giving taking center stage and everyone going over the top. I am really struggling with money at the minute so resent buying things that I know they won't like, as anything they would like I can't afford. And I don't love them buying me useless stuff I don't need when they / I could have done with the money for groceries. In general I don't like stuff. I try and have little of it in my house, I only like having things I absolutely need or love, and then I want to choose them myself. My siblings are very materialistic and love receiving and requesting things that my parents can't afford, which has always been a bit of a difference in wavelength. They also get me things they would like, even though I don't, and would be very offended at the thought of me not wanting it.

Anyway, this year, although I have bought everyone's present already I feel really weird about the receiving. I feel really really against it, like the thought of being given anything makes me feel paniced and upset. I've been asked what I would like and the mere scrolling through a website to see if there's anything makes me feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I absolutely hate the idea of someone handing me a present and having to go through the whole unwrapping, pretending to love it, and so on. I just don't want more stuff! It's a totally bizzare disproportionate reaction, very unlike me. Usually I either tell people exactly what I want if asked, or thank them and give it to a charity shop. I really don't know why I can't seem able to even think about what I would like without feeling very upset. But I need to figure it out before Christmas as obviously I need to react like a normal person!

@sparklinglime that was great! My feelings exactly.

I don’t like receiving gifts. I don’t like any attention on me so I hate the thought of opening them in front of people. As a family, we agreed no presents for adults years ago, but occasionally someone buys me something and I hate it. A couple of people told me I was selfish for not wanting a fuss on my birthday or for Xmas with presents because I was making others feel sad. So it’s better I feel uncomfortable so that others don’t feel sad? It took my partner a while to understand that I genuinely don’t want gifts or any fuss. People know to either not bother doing anything or make a donation to a charity. I don’t really like ‘stuff’, I’m quite ‘fussy’ and anything I do want, I buy through the year.
I’m happy to make a fuss of others for birthday and Xmas, presents, parties, whatever they like, happy to spend money on others, my kids get loads, I just don’t like it for me. I think people who like ‘stuff’ really struggle to understand how others don’t.

If they really want to get you presents, what about if you focused on asking for things you buy anyway, then you might be able to be more relaxed about getting them, as it's genuinely something you want. Eg, tell them you've really got into nice jams/soaps/towels/socks/bedding etc (preferably things you're not fussy about choosing yourself!), then it might feel less unnecessary. Saves you buying those things too so you basically have got the money towards groceries etc too.

Agreed! When i was little my older brother used to bully me over my excitement over presents.
Later the stress of not being able to afford things for my children at Christmas made Christmas a difficult time.
Now, I feel the same as you. Well perhaps not quite as stressed but I really don't want gifts. We've scaled back Christmas enormously over the years which feels quite rebellious.
I buy a knick knack or book for my mum, and buy something for my now adult children, or give them money. I get one thing for my grandson. That's it! Even DH and I don't buy for each other.
This way we can enjoy the bits of the season that we like with zero pressure to perform.
We're both working Christmas day and boxing day. Both HCP which fits season of goodwill I think.

I'm with you 100%. I'm genuinely happy with no presents. I feel bad when someone has spent money on a present for me that I know I'll never wear/use. We've mainly agreed adult truces and kids only.

It causes a lot of tension with my in laws as they love the thought of buying personal and "special" presents. I've been married for a fairly long time and even my husband would probably have a 25% hit rate if he bought me clothes.

My side of the family set a budget of around £50 per head and we ask for very dull things like a new frying pan. It works for us. My in laws get crosser and crosser if I ask for practical things but I have a house full of clothes and homeware and really don't want any more unnecessary stuff. (In a double standard, they usually ask for practical things). I find it really difficult. Last year I received money with a very odd letter about how they'd never understand me (but given face to face) which was a little awkward.....

I understand exactly how you feel and thank you for posting as you've helped me feel a little less odd!

My problem with receiving gifts is the overwhelming guilt. Like you, I'm just not keen on 'stuff'. I've had little use for the vast majority of things I've been given in the past and it makes me feel terrible. Guilty about not being properly appreciative, about the time they must have spent shopping and queueing, about the money they spent. I even feel guilty about donating things to the charity shop - and I work in one!

I'm ashamed to say I've sometimes had some really ungrateful feelings in the past too - thoughts like 'I've never worn lipstick in my life - why has she got me a lip palette?'.

I would prefer, and always ask for, no gifts whatsoever. I'd rather someone bunged a fiver to a primate charity or the shop I work at. I really don't need 'something to open' and I can't stand the insistence that I do!

I'm not a religious person at all but I do believe Jesus actually existed (and I do love a nice Nativity too so am not a total Grinch!) He'd be turning in his grave at the consumer-fest his birthday has turned into!

I should add that my sister is the opposite. She feels quite underappreciated without nice presents and loves receiving lots of bits and pieces. She'd have been the perfect daughter in law for my in laws!

I think I’m quite similar. I like picking out gifts when I have a good feel for what someone would like. I put a lot of thought and effort in, and listen to people.

But I do not like receiving gifts myself. And it’s not that I’m disappointed, or unappreciative of the efforts and thoughts. But it makes me anxious, uncomfortable and I’d just rather not. I don’t want to be confronted with other people’s understanding of who I am - it gives me an uneasy feeling of being split off from myself.

I absolutely appreciate that this is my problem. So I receive with grace and gratitude. I also feel hypocritical as I enjoy giving. And most likely there is someone in the chain feeling similar.

Dh and I have an arrangement where we buy some of our own gifts for the other to wrap, or send each other links or lists.

I hate receiving presents. So much so that pretty much no one has any idea when my birthday is. If people do know I only ever say money for charity

Can't you be honest and tell everyone your really short of £ and would appreciate that for Xmas this year?

We never did this formal thing...

A couple of people told me I was selfish for not wanting a fuss on my birthday or for Xmas with presents because I was making others feel sad. hmm So it’s better I feel uncomfortable so that others don’t feel sad? It took my partner a while to understand that I genuinely don’t want gifts or any fuss.
I've had that thrown at me too. Although only on MN, not in real life. I am very happy to celebrate anyone's birthday however they wish. All I ask is that I am extended the same courtesy. Which to be fair I do now get but it took years to get there. It's a very weird attitude some people have of, "it's your birthday, you can do whatever you want! Unless what you want is to ignore it, because that's selfish".

It makes me feel queasy if I have too much. I do not need more shit. The stuff I need (like sleep) no one can gift! This year I'm doing small token gifts apart from my DS.

Tell them next year that you just cannot afford it and you either do secret Santa or nothing.

Have I understood correctly that you have bought presents for your family members but are struggling to come up with gift ideas for yourself because you don't want a load if presenty-type stuff? Could you ask them for things you will genuinely need eg a warm jumper in neutral colours , something to eat or drink? A voucher towards a holiday? Dare you ask for a voucher for your local supermarket or Amazon, or would that be going too far?

It sounds difficult . I have just agreed to stop swapping presents with my adult sibling .

Also sounds like they are not interested in who you are as a person and your values but prefer to try to impose their values on you .

@shinynewapple21 yes that's right - I've bought them things already, mostly did manage to find things I think they would like. I would prefer not do presents at all, I have such little time and money and hate shopping. I've offered to pay towards and cook Christmas dinner instead but they won't hear of it (we live a long way away do not in a position to host).

Partly it is a misalignment of values. It means a lot to them, it's an important part of their Christmas, everyone has to sit down and open everything at the same time in front of everyone else, often one by one with everyone watching. Basically, it's a big deal. Meanwhile to me it would be a very small part of Christmas for adults.

I've tried outright saying I can't afford it, they say that's fine and to get something small, but the reality is turning up with cheap tat to be given loads for me, DP and DC would just be even worse for me.

@thelegohooverer that's a really interesting point! I'd never thought about it like that but it can be disorientating to have so much material evidence that your view of yourself is very different from how the people closest to you see you. Me and my sister don't get on so although she always buys me expensive things they feel passive aggressive.

DP always gets me very nice things that are simply not to my taste, and sometimes really misjudging the tone, like how he got me an intro art set when DC1 was a month old, I couldn't even look at without fury - "you think I have time to go away and learn to draw??" All I wanted was a bath and a nap!

Words can't explain how much I hate receiving gifts. As part of trying to embrace FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early), its made me understand the importance of buying less, which led me to Minimalism. My house is not minimalist by any stretch, but, I've spent years and years decluttering, and as I understood the psychology of letting items go, I've let items I once considered sentimental, go too. I've put so much physical and emotional effort into having the belongings I now have, that add only value to my life.

I moved house recently and while my friends mean well, I just don't want my home filled with items they think I want. An outside light to go by the front door (too personal!), a plant which I have no need or obvious space for, glasses and tea towels (that aren't my style). I actually get upset by stuff, the money people spend which could go to charity and the impact all this "stuff" has on the environment.

I'm such a wimp, and still haven't told the Inlaws to give to charity on my behalf this Christmas.

Yes I love buying presents for my own family and sisters, really taking time to think about what they'd love. I find it really difficult to come up with a gift idea for myself. I don't exchange with any adults other than my sisters though - it seems to have been an unspoken agreement amongst my friends that we have enough to do buying for family to add buying for friends! We get a collective gift at birthdays but not at Christmas. And after my husband passed away buying for his five siblings stopped too!
But I'm a widow and my sisters don't have partners either so it's nice that we have at least a couple presents to look forward to.

In the past I've gone to a lot of trouble to source gifts for people (in laws) and they've just been opened, glanced at and tossed aside and not even commented on so I pretty much gave up presents there and then. Dh used to buy for his family because I didn't want to anymore. I don't have extended family so no effort there.

It took about 10 years of us being together for the in laws to get the message that I didn't celebrate my birthday. Every year they'd get stuff. I don't like the things that other people like and I'm allergic to toiletry products. I've told ds1 not to buy presents for us and to save his money for more useful things.

I live in hope that one day Christmas will be more relaxed for people and less about crass consumerism, getting pissed and feeling under pressure from relatives. People seem to be finding it a burden these days more than ever and it's a shame to be stressed when you're off work and supposed to be relaxing.

I love giving gifts and prefer not to receive.

I think of what im buying and enjoy doing so.

Gifts i have received in the past have been repetitive. Candle from my brother and beer for dh. He never drinks at home. Every year it was the same. Zero thought.

BIL is the same. Same thoughtless shit every year so we told them not to buy for us years ago. Im pleased not to receive. If i want something ill buy it myself, dh is the same.