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Original poster

In 30s with no friends

28 replies

Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 15:13

I’m in my mid thirties and over the last few years have lost most of my friends.
I have a handful of friends but they all live a distance from me. 1 I see a couple of times a year, 2 I barely see and they seem to make no effort to instigate any meet-ups and 1 that lives abroad.

I have literally no friends who live close to me that I can do nice things with. Even something simple like go for a walk or grab a coffee.

Are many people in this situation.
I see people put in groups having fun, but I just don’t have a group.

OP posts:
Idontevenknow · 04/12/2021 15:16

I am the same, I have 1 friend and thats it. I do feel a bit sad that I don't have a group but I think a lot more people are in this situation than you think. Have you tried joining any local groups or clubs depending to try and meet new people?

Piggyk2 · 04/12/2021 15:18

Can you drive or take a train to see your friends? Do you have any cousins/siblings?

I think it's like this sometimes as you get older OP. My best friend moved to London and I used to get the train even with my baby to go and see her... we now live closer but regardless of distance we speak on the phone most weeks.

Original poster
Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 15:21

@Idontevenknow

I am the same, I have 1 friend and thats it. I do feel a bit sad that I don't have a group but I think a lot more people are in this situation than you think. Have you tried joining any local groups or clubs depending to try and meet new people?
I go outdoor swimming. I’ve met some nice people through that that I see for swims and have arranged to do a hiking/swim trip with a few of them .

I feel like I don’t even want a group of friends. Just want 1 or 2 that I actually feel close to, like a friends who I know we’ll and feel comfortable with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 15:25

@Piggyk2

Can you drive or take a train to see your friends? Do you have any cousins/siblings?

I think it's like this sometimes as you get older OP. My best friend moved to London and I used to get the train even with my baby to go and see her... we now live closer but regardless of distance we speak on the phone most weeks.

I could travel to see them, but I found I was arranging lots then never hearing back. So it becomes awkward as I wonder if they even want to see me (not in a pity Me way, but literally I wonder if they just dont want to meet up).

I do have a cousin who’s near by and I feel close to.
No relationship really with my siblings and a bad relationship with my parents. Actually wondering ifthat’s adding to the issue. I basically have very few close reliable adult relationships.

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 04/12/2021 15:34

Could you meet your cousin or the swimming people for a coffee?

Fritilleries · 04/12/2021 15:37

In the same boat. No friends.

samthebordercollie · 04/12/2021 15:38

Can you join some sort of club? Walking or hiking if you aren't into anything more strenuous? Or another activity? I was on my own in France and as soon as the DC were old enough to be left on their own I joined a running club and have made lots of friends there. When you are older I think a lot of friends tend to come from shared hobbies or work.

letmebea · 04/12/2021 15:39

Bumble BFF is good. I don't like meet ups with lots of people but I have met some really nice women through it.

I'm sorry you're lonely. It's a really hard place to be.

RoastPotatoQueen · 04/12/2021 15:41

I think most are in this situation. I am. I had friends, but they were bitches so I cut them off.

Piggyk2 · 04/12/2021 15:45

Do you travel OP? It's a good way of networking and building confidence. I travel with with me and my DS but I think I would do it alone tbh.

rooarsome · 04/12/2021 16:04

Same here. I have acquaintances, but nobody I would really grab a coffee with or be able to talk to about more meaningful things.

pastypirate · 04/12/2021 16:37

I can relate to this. I'm 42 and I'm in a friendship lull. My best friend did something that warranted taking a huge step back.

It's really hard. I think my best bet is start going to union meetings or joining the Labour Party.

Original poster
Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 18:21

@Piggyk2

Do you travel OP? It's a good way of networking and building confidence. I travel with with me and my DS but I think I would do it alone tbh.
No I don’t travel. Never thought about that as an option. Would be difficult with work and kids but might try where I can.

How do you meet people travelling.

OP posts:
twocandlelady · 04/12/2021 18:22

Haven’t read the whole thread but I am honestly the same. Keep thinking about how I don’t even have one person to do a bit of Christmas shopping with. I’m happy on my own (I do have a family) most of the time and wouldn’t have a lot of time for many social outings but to not even have one person you could do those things with isn’t easy!

Original poster
Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 18:25

I like some of the suggestions. I think I’m in an awkward lul where I don’t have friends but, because of kids and work I don’t have time to dedicate to doing activities that will get me friends. Also I’m awkward as fuck so that doesn’t help

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 04/12/2021 18:35

I think you have to actually make the first push in taking things from acquaintance to friend. So if you find someone you connect with actually ask them for a ‘date’ as it were, not in some vague unspecified hypothetical way but in an actual “are you doing anything Saturday night? Do you fancy going out, sharing a bottle at yours/ mine?”
That usually gets results.
Or if they tell you about something fun, actually ask if you can invite yourself along next time and give them your number/ take theirs.
Be proactive !

Original poster
Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 18:51

@statetrooperstacey yes your exactly right. That is the part I struggle with because I’m awkward. I also think low self esteem makes me think people just won’t want to /like me so I don’t try hard enough.

OP posts:
KellyABC · 04/12/2021 19:00

I'm in a friendship lull too. And like you, the friends I do have dont live nearby and I'm flat out with work and kid so hard to find time to meet new people in my area. It's lonely tbh. But also, the longer the lull goes on, the more awkward and insecure I feel when I do meet people. And friendships take a while to grow which can make it feel insurmountable. Pandemic hasn't helped at all. And meetup etc are great ways to meet people but the same people never seem to be there twice!

jchocolate · 04/12/2021 19:02

I can relate to this. I have 1 friend but we have yet to meet up for a coffee. We mainly speak over text. I have known her for many years. The rest are acquaintances. I go to a yoga class once a week but nobody really talks with me there either. Socialising is not my forte.

Samedaysame · 04/12/2021 19:24

Can you make friends with your children's friends mums.

LawnFever · 04/12/2021 19:30

I found myself a bit like this a few years ago and I joined the WI, the one near me has a real mix of ages and activities you can join in, and bit by bit I’ve ended up getting to know people outside of the main meet ups as friends.

It’s hard work tbh but if you want to meet new friends when you’re older you really have to consciously work at it.

BurnedToast · 04/12/2021 19:34

Glad it's not just me Blush

DH has loads of friends and I tag along to quite a few nights out. But, put it this way. If anything were to happen to us I'd probably not see them again, and that's despite 20+ years together, where for most of that time I have known these people as well. I am very much an add on.

The truth is though I like the idea of friends , more than the reality.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 04/12/2021 19:56

When I was in my 30’s I didn’t really have any local friends so I went on a mission to get some before I was 40 so I could invite them to my 40th. I started by inviting many of my acquaintance to my house for lunch or a coffee. It was a bit like dating, most ‘dates’ were quite pleasant and a few developed into friendships. Now 15 or so years later I’m
best friends with two of the women who I see individually weekly or fortnightly. Another one I go out in a foursome with our DH’s a couple of times a year and I have a little group of ladies I see once or twice a year.
I still have my old school friends who live far away but having my two local best friends has been so life enhancing. I’m so glad I put myself out to get some friends.

Original poster
Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 20:10

@Samedaysame

Can you make friends with your children's friends mums.
I got to be honest this is the last thing I want to do. I feel like I’m craving 1-2 deep meaningful fulfilling friendship, rather than wanting I wide circle.

I think I’m also quite an individual character in what I like, so I need to find another person like me!

I get that’s where a lot of mums meet friends. I just find I end up focused on the kids when I meet people through them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 20:12

@CrimbleCrumble1

When I was in my 30’s I didn’t really have any local friends so I went on a mission to get some before I was 40 so I could invite them to my 40th. I started by inviting many of my acquaintance to my house for lunch or a coffee. It was a bit like dating, most ‘dates’ were quite pleasant and a few developed into friendships. Now 15 or so years later I’m best friends with two of the women who I see individually weekly or fortnightly. Another one I go out in a foursome with our DH’s a couple of times a year and I have a little group of ladies I see once or twice a year. I still have my old school friends who live far away but having my two local best friends has been so life enhancing. I’m so glad I put myself out to get some friends.
Wow how fab.

I think I could nurture some friendship in my swim group a bit more. I clearly need to commit to putting myself out there a bit more.

OP posts: