Helping my Demented DF to stay at home; door alarm to keep him indoors at night?

[PollyGray]

Posting in Chat hoping for help.
Has anyone here used a service which installs a door alarm system for elderly/vulnerable adults which sends an alert if the door is opened at certain times of the day i.e. during the evening or night?

In a nutshell, DF is 89, dementia, living not that locally to me but close enough for me to get to him if I need to. I have Deputyship for his finances and I pay for a Care Agency to support him 2 visits a day at lunchtime and at 4pm each time for an hour. He refuses all other help and won't go to any day centres.
Just had another Social Care assessment as he has deteriorated but still has some functional abilities which are reasonably intact i,e. can wash up the dishes and push the hoover around but that's about it.

But he has started to leave the house in the evening and wander round the close where he lives shouting for help, in a confused and distressed state. Nieghbours have been taking him home and contacting me or my DD if they can't get me.
The social worker is aware of this and suggested that I increase the visits to another one in the evening and consider intalling one of these door alarm systems which are typically connected to a Lifeline (which he has already but they don't offer the door alarm thing).
So as not to drip feed she insists I try everything possible to keep him at home for as long as possible and that's what he wants, he's terrified of being put into care and does everything he can to avoid accepting help.

I just wondered if anyone has used this kind of service and can say how well it worked for their situation, the kind of costs involved etc? I've done a google search and found one organisation whose website looks all singing and dancing but I'd rather find out a bit more about how well they work first.

TIA if anyone responds.

@supercritter or maybe he needs two sets, one for his slippers and one for the shoes he most often puts on to go out !

@Soontobe60 you know what? I'm going to get that put in too, you are absolutely right. I'm going to see if I can get a total package by the same company. The good thing is that the one a PP gave a link for is a subscription service and has good reviews for their products and back up service.

@PollyGray don't let your (terrible) experience with your mum cloud your view of care homes. My dad reached the point yours is at and we moved him to the most wonderful care home. Not the smartest, no en-suite facilities but their attitudes, love, respect and happiness just radiated.
We didn't put it to him as a move into a care home but a few days break to give my sister in law and him a rest and he never once asked to go home. He relaxed and positively enjoyed it, was well fed, and entertained as there was always so much going on, he joined on everything despite never having been a "joiner in".
We had a similar experience with moving mil- white lies and just talking about today and tomorrow are the best way forward

I'm sorry you've had a few unkind replies Op, until you're in this position you've no idea how hard it is to do the right thing for both of you. Your Dad does sound distressed and I hope the new system will help you both

@Wombat69

My friend, who sadly recently passed away at 96, once firmly told me that once someone starts to wander, it is time for a home.

Our neighbour put his phone number on a necklace for his wife, maybe an sos bracelet?

Once someone has dementia, it’s not much use relying on anything they can easily take off. Because they almost certainly will, and will hide it.

My FiL eventually moved to a care home in a seaside town with a lot of care homes and elderly residents. At that stage he was still allowed out on his own - he was like a caged wild animal and extremely difficult otherwise. The care home made sure he always had a piece of paper in his pocket with his address on, since he would inevitably sometimes get lost. . Apparently the locals were aware of this strategy and it worked pretty well.
This was quite a while ago now though.

I have had a very quick response from the company suggested by PP; I am just waiting for some answers to some of my questions before I go ahead with a home monitoring system which seems a good option, in addition to all the other safeguards I will have installed by e.g. Fire Service etc.
I recognise I must try what the Social Worker said but I just didn't know where to start or what I was looking for really, plus a ton of pressure from everyone (my DC's, GP, and now the carer) to put him into a care home . Their panic makes my anxiety worse and that makes clear thinking harder.
But this thread has helped me think it through a bit more clearly without that pressure.

Please ask for that referral to opmh. I've worked in the service for 20 years and the care co-ordinator will help you navigate the various other agencies and will help reduce your father's distress level as well as supporting you.
Sadly, there's never a quick fix to situations like this which are all too common. But with the right help, things can get better and a lot of the time it's trial and error to see what works.
It's incredibly stressful for an informal carer, which you now are, when you're actually firstly a daughter, wife and mother.
You're doing the absolute best you can in you're father's best interests whatever you decide to do. But don't try and do it alone or you'll suffer burnout and won't be able to care for yourself let alone anyone else.

I've had many recommendations for the Age UK helpline. I've realised that although I love reading, I actually don't take in written information very easily, its a struggle, and talking things through on the phone is much easier. The other really helpful bunch of people is nursing home managers - not surprisingly they understand the ins and outs of the system and are usually very practical and effective people.

Part of your issues sound like they are coming from the fact that you don't have health POA so you actually don't have a right to do anything your father doesn't want. This is what all these people telling you what you must do don't seem to understand.

However the flip side of this is that social services can't insist you take any action. I would be putting it all firmly back into their court and making it clear you can't respond to emergency calls. It might feel mean but it's the only way to get them to take responsibility.

A door curtain may help.

Sometimes with dementia people can't see things that are disguised as something else.
So in care homes they might cover the door to make it look like a window, bookshelves, painted to look like the wall etc.

There was a tv documentary about a man with early onset. And they had full length curtains over doors they didn't want him to use at night.

Yeah, we had this - and I agree with others here, sadly its time to face facts and look into a Home for him. We had bells and alarms installed for my mum - she kept wandering off, and it just means you get the police ringing you all hours of the night, doesn’t solve anything. Sorry op. For what it’s worth though, when we did manage to get my mum moved - she was adamant it wasn’t happening and was frankly an awful time - she is now happy as Larry,, has a whole new lease of life, and we wish we had done it sooner.

So sorry that you’re going through the OP.

Just a note on the Techsilver GPS insoles - they need charging regularly so they’re not much use unless someone is able to do that. I can’t remember if it’s daily or not but it’s often enough that it might be impractical for someone living on their own.

I know you are trying to do what ss said but I really think that time has passed so I would not incur any cost or waste time on alarms. You need to be very firm with ss and start speaking to dementia care homes now for respite care at least. Many years since I balled my mum so not up to date on finance/legal side etc.

Balled! Helped my mum

The Elderly Parents bit of mn will be very helpful, you could asked for this to be moved. They are really on the ball

@TheBareTree yes, I saw that so I haven't bought them (plus they are out of stock and he'd have needed two pairs to be sure they'd be any use = £600!!

So I have bought a keyring tracker with GPS as one thing he definitely does is keep his keys in his trousers at all times even if he changes them.
And I've subscribed to the home monitoring system which, whilst won't stop him leaving the house, will alert me to his movements all the time he's in the house and if he leaves at times he oughtn't to - then I can act to alert Police or whatever. It also enables me to phone him if it looks like he keeps going to the front door, so I can be proactive and distract him on the phone (that's if I'm not at work obviously).
The good thing is that these are things I'm not tied into so can stop if it's not working.

We left it too late with my MIL.

One morning I had a call from her neighbour. The police had found my mum wandering two miles from home at 5am. If they hadn't been pushing on a routine patrol, I daren't think what might have happened. They called paramedics who took her to hospital. Fortunately her address was in something so they knocked on neighbours doors, and this neighbour had my number.

They kept her in hospital until a respite place could be found. And that place (at a specialist dementia home which turned out to be lovely) is where she stayed and still is.

Don't make the mistake that I and SIL did. Carers simply weren't enough. And we were very fortunate that the outcome of that early hours wander wasn't worse.

Pushing= passing

My 6 year old begged me to leave him home alone while I went to Morrison’s earlier but I knew it was not safe so I didn’t.

Totally agree with helpfulperson. It does sound awful but you need to say no to the SW.

After our experience, I wouldn't recommend putting alarms on doors. Once they start wondering it's time for 24 hour care. I know that isn't what your DF wants, but it sounds as if he no longer has capacity so what he wants isn't always in his best interests.

Definitely tell his SW that you won't be putting anything else in place and you think it's time that he has 24 hour care.

Whilst you wait for this, I'd fill in the Herbert Protocol.

Just Google the County your DF lives in and Herbert Protocol, ie Herefordshire Herbert Protocol.

It's a form where you keep a photo of him and all of the information that the Police will need if he goes missing, like where he catches the bus, where he used to live etc. it helps them find your DF more quickly. Keep the completed form on your phone for emergencies.

You might also want to fill in the "This is Me" leaflet. This helps Carers and the Hospital Staff if he ever goes in there and will help the Care Home staff when he is moved. Again, you can keep it on your phone to email to the Ward if he's admitted to Hospital.

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

My 6 year old begged me to leave him home alone while I went to Morrison’s earlier but I knew it was not safe so I didn’t.

Unlike the OP you have parental responsibility for your 6 year old . If you have no understanding around legal issues around capacity if an adult then this response is not helpful .

It's a sad situation but needs now seem to outweigh wants and 24/7 care is what's in his best interests. You're just delaying the inevitable tbh, fingers crossed those few weeks don't result in personal harm in the meantime. As an ex district nurse, I've seen it many times. Today is the best he will ever be.
Pre dementia, it's highly unlikely he would want you to be in this situation and place this burden indefinitely on you in your middle years. Surely?
Now's the time to think long term and step back IMO.

You have my sympathy OP, the period when elderly parents need support and become unsafe by themselves but they don't accept this is really difficult.

We had the problem with the gas being turned on, OT were able to arrange a locked valve on the cooker , and I taped up the controls on the fire (with notes not to use it) and have my parents a fan heater to use if the central heating (which I programmed) wasn't warm enough .

I was wondering what your dad's financial circumstances were, does he have savings? And do you have financial POA? I was able to arrange a live in carer for my parents which held off the move to a care home for some months, but this is something which needs to be self funded at a similar cost to a care home .

It was useful for us, I think, as at the time neither of my parents would have accepted the need to move into a home. Both had dementia but it was my dad's physical difficulties which necessitated the move to the home . Having said that, seeing the different activities which are available to my mum within the care home, I do wonder if the progress of her dementia may have been slower if she had been admitted to the care home at an earlier stage . It's just so difficult when you can see something that they are not ready, or able, to accept .

If you can get social services on board it makes things so much easier, for one thing older people will often accept what a professional advises but not their own family .

@PollyGray Have you ever been in touch with the Admiral Nurses? They're nurses who specialise in dementia. They are there to support the whole family, not just the person with dementia. When my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I had one who came to the house, found out what we, as a family, needed. Talked me down when I panicked because my sister and I had forgotten to co-ordinate our holidays and mum was going to be left alone. She sorted out a blue badge for mum and helped me with getting powers of attorney sorted out.

Not all of areas have a dedicated Admiral Nurse but the helpline can still assist you by advising on behaviour, health and the social care system.

Even if it's just a call to check that you've covered everything, it's worth having a chat. They may know of better ways to do things or how you can get help more quickly.

Their number is 0800 888 6678. According to the website (dementiauk.org) the Helpline is open on Monday to Friday between 9am and 9pm, Saturday and Sunday between 9am and 5pm, and on all Bank Holidays except Christmas Day.

Good luck. We had this with my mum. Luckily as she lived in an extra care sheltered housing scheme, she couldn't get outside at night, just into the reception. As she lived on a main road I dread to think what would have happened to her.

We also had the stamping of feet and swearing (unlike my mum) when she found out she was going into a care home. Even though we explained it to her for days before. She sulked when she got in, refused to answer any questions for her file...warmed a little bit when she got a cup of tea and a biscuit. Then saw lunch being served and her face lit up when she was collected to join everyone. We didn't even get a goodbye as they were serving sausages - her favourite! Next day she took delight in showing me her wardrobe and chest of drawers in her room.

Oops, sorry I didn't explain the Admiral nurse thing properly. They don't do nursing, they advise on dementia. They'll know local service, how social services work, how the social care service operates, how respite works and what you need to do. They can help with the 'hoop jumping' and they'll know what forms need to be completed, financial help or what will need to be paid out and when.