Helping my Demented DF to stay at home; door alarm to keep him indoors at night?

[PollyGray]

Posting in Chat hoping for help.
Has anyone here used a service which installs a door alarm system for elderly/vulnerable adults which sends an alert if the door is opened at certain times of the day i.e. during the evening or night?

In a nutshell, DF is 89, dementia, living not that locally to me but close enough for me to get to him if I need to. I have Deputyship for his finances and I pay for a Care Agency to support him 2 visits a day at lunchtime and at 4pm each time for an hour. He refuses all other help and won't go to any day centres.
Just had another Social Care assessment as he has deteriorated but still has some functional abilities which are reasonably intact i,e. can wash up the dishes and push the hoover around but that's about it.

But he has started to leave the house in the evening and wander round the close where he lives shouting for help, in a confused and distressed state. Nieghbours have been taking him home and contacting me or my DD if they can't get me.
The social worker is aware of this and suggested that I increase the visits to another one in the evening and consider intalling one of these door alarm systems which are typically connected to a Lifeline (which he has already but they don't offer the door alarm thing).
So as not to drip feed she insists I try everything possible to keep him at home for as long as possible and that's what he wants, he's terrified of being put into care and does everything he can to avoid accepting help.

I just wondered if anyone has used this kind of service and can say how well it worked for their situation, the kind of costs involved etc? I've done a google search and found one organisation whose website looks all singing and dancing but I'd rather find out a bit more about how well they work first.

TIA if anyone responds.

@lollipoprainbow and @Flossieskeeper

Yes, of course I'm aware how unsafe DF is, that's why I requested a reassessment of him after the last one only 3 weeks ago found he "has capacity" and had disallowed the Social Worker from sharing any information with me. I wanted them to reassess because the level of responsibility I feel, on top of working full time in the NHS, is so stressful and I can't keep both things going.

and @Flossieskeeper thank you for recognising my worries.

If my DF needs full time residential care that's what he's going to get but I have to go about this in the right way, you are correct, there are processes to follow. My DM was forcibly placed into a care home and died 10 days later, I think she just gave up.

But to those who've pointed out the blindingly obvious questions about 'what then' when DF continues to leave the house and I get contacted, I just hadn't thought that one through - now I feel a bit fobbed off the by Social Worker because it just won't work if the expectation is that I just attend and search for my Dad.

I'm going to get him to the GP next week and ask for a review, maybe see if they have any suggestions.

For his and everyone else's safety he needs 24 hr care now despite his objections.
I would aim to make this his 'final move' do not be tempted to go down the 'supported living' route as this will only mean another disruption and move possibly quite soon dependent upon how quickly his dementia progresses. Good luck.

If he has legal capacity at some points during the day, which is possible, ask the neighbours to phone the police on the non-emergency number to log the incidents where he is confused and looking for help.
He may have diminished capacity where he can reason but still make poor safeguarding choices. He will know that he has to be focused and in his best behaviour with the SW, so s/he is not getting the full picture.

I don’t think, ime, the GP will be the one to offer suggestions.

Is he still under the memory clinic?

OP when he goes missing are the police contacted? I presume not if neighbours are assisting and calling you. It can be helpful in building up a picture of needs if the incidences are on record.
I don’t see how you can possibly be expected to deal with the wandering from afar if it has become a regular occurrence. You will know he’s left but not where to. Care homes are not allowed to deprive liberty without following due legal process either. What they do have is staff on site available to react to door alarms etc.

he's not under the memory clinic no, every time he's been invited to any appointments of that nature (AMH etc) he's declined and they've discharged him.

I just spoke to one of the carers; she doesn't think the door sensor will work either, in her experience they just don't. And he won't be going into supported living, he will go into a care home and I'm going to find one in the town where I live so that when he does, I can visit more regularly.

This is awful though, I wish he could go to sleep one night and have a peaceful death because he is so clearly not enjoying a peaceful life.

We use ring cameras in my nans house, who sounds very similar to your df. They are all around her house inside and out (she is told about them frequently and regularly waves and talks to us through them), they are pretty priceless for us, if we see her heading for the front door we ring her and distract her in time for someone to get to her house

He has never been reported missing no. He tends to wander down to Sainsburys who now have the carers number to contact. But this most recent change is that he goes out in the dark, without adequate clothing, and he is shouting for help. I feel so guilty.

Regarding night time, there are quite a few of us and we take it in shifts to keep our notifications on over night to watch her. Its pretty full on. Has anything happened recently that has unsettled him causing him to go outside in the night?

I’m sorry but having direct experience of a relative with dementia I would say that at this point he needs full time care in a residential setting.
It’s heartbreaking to do and we had lots of tears and refusal but ultimately they’re much safer. At the point where my relative started wandering the streets at night, they very very quickly went from being someone who could hold a normal conversation and you possibly wouldn’t know they had dementia if you weren’t aware to being totally unaware of anything or where they were. I was shocked myself after thinking they had relatively mild dementia to seeing them go totally downhill over a matter of months.

Ask for a reassessment of his capacity. I had to challenge the first decision I got. It sounds like he’s not able to weigh up the risks for himself. And that’s not his fault it’s part of his condition. I can assure you once he’s in a safer place he will settle and feel better. At the moment the risks are too high.

If he's as bad as this, it's time to get him into care. If he resists tell him it's while you decorate and then just let it all drift. In my experience this stage doesn't last long and they get used to being in care really quickly and the subject gets dropped.

As a neighbour of a lady who was suffering with dementia I once had to have a very difficult conversation with her daughter. I had to make it clear that we couldn't be responsible for dealing with the neighbour in question as we all have busy lives of our own (my DS has a disability, several neighbours work shifts, were elderly and infirm themselves). I don't think the daughter had realised how much we were doing for the lady.

Lots of good responses here but rather than go into the debate of whether he should go into residential care or not I thought I'd let you know about some things that I've seen work well for some people.

Some people respond to a simple sign on the door telling them that this is their home and not to go out. Orientraation clocks are also useful and some people have sensors that play a message if the door is opened e.g. which tell them to go back inside. I'm not sure of the details but some people have property exit alerts set up via Alexa and if he will wear a wrist band or a particular item of clothing that a tag can be attached to then a GPS tracker such as a Buddi or one of the GPS watch/phones aimed at kids can be useful.

It may also be worth seeing if he can be prescribed something in the evening if he is going out because he is distressed.

The real problem is getting professionals to accept he cannot live alone, even with carers. If the door alarm will help persuade them, maybe it's worth trying. It won't stop his wandering but will show how often he is leaving the house in the night, which is clearly very dangerous.

In my mother's case, it was daytime wandering and forgetfulness which meant she left something cooking on the stovetop and had locked herself out. Nearly burned the flat down.

It was the turning point where it was finally agreed by the professionals that she had to go into supervised accommodation. (We ended up lying and telling her it was temporary whilst the kitchen was being redecorated).

Sorry OP it's a horrible thing to have to go through.

We've been looking at a very similar system from Social Services called CareConnect for my mother who has dementia. We decided against it as they would only activate it overnight so we installed a Ring doorbell and set up alerts to our phones instead. Fortunately we have enough family living reasonably close so there's always going to be someone who can get there in 5-10 minutes.

We also bought a tracker device which we attached to my Mother's house keys (she never goes anywhere without them so far) so we can also find out where she is whenever she's left the house

Is he going out at around the same time? Wandering is generally down to an unmet need. It might be that an additional later visit maybe helpful for a time. I'd definitely get neighbours to log incidents when they are assisting him too. If you have to go down the route of a door alarm someone will need to set it each day anyway. Otherwise it'll be triggered every time the door is opened.

I would also consider poa or deputyship for health and welfare now.

How many people actually say they want to go into a care home? Everyone says they want to stay in their home. At some point needs outweigh wants. DF must have very fearful thoughts about Care Homes given DM's passing.
In the news a few years ago there was a man with Alzheimers who wandered out of his home one night, and sadly his body was found in a local garden. I guess his family have been through hell and would do anything to change it. Thoughts are with that family. And to OP for helping DF. Best wishes OP.

I'm updating this thread as matters came to a head on 23rd.
Carer arrived at lunchtime to find the whole house filled with gas from the hob which my DF must have left on overnight and he was completely oblivious to that.

Obviously a near miss event - he could've been killed in an explosion and so could've his immediate neighbour who is also v elderly and disabled. Fire Service attended and as fast as they were opening doors and windows my DF was closing them and denying there was an issue. They are raising their own Safeguarding concern and are going to assess what they've got that can make his home safer. I got a gas engineer to disconnect the gas hob on the same day so his carers will use the electric oven and a microwave to cook things in.
But he still does his own ironing and that's now a worry, what if he leaves the iron on a shirt or something...

Me, the domiciliary care agency and local Carer Support have made urgent referral to Social Care again. He's been discussed at the local Health/Social Care hub who have phoned me to ask what powers I've got and I've explained again that I have Deputyship for Finance only and he still maintains he will not leave his home to enter care under any circumstances. I've got an apt to speak to his GP next week by phone.

He has to go into care because my own mental health is really suffering and this has scared me beyond him wandering around his street calling for help; I can't handle the responsibility any more.

Would you consider a live in carer for your dad?

Sorry to hear this OP. That is very frightening for everyone who could have been affected and clearly Social Care and the GP will have to take action. The carers are at risk as well as him.

You need to be very firm with social services that you cannot step in and care for him or they will expect you to keep dealing with it and do nothing.

I would if I thought he'd agree - but I don't know how much that would cost and he might not be able to afford it for very long. Plus he gets very aggressive with people when they try and do anything for him or make suggestions (i.e. how about changing your trousers today) he has zero insight.
I want Social Care to help me get him respite to start off the process of finding him somewhere suitable and affordable.

Yes, his carer was beside herself when she phoned me, very scared indeed, she kept saying he needs to be in care.