Integrating (lovely but exhausting) widowed MIL into my family events/holidays

[phoebemcpeepee]

My FIL passed away a few months ago and MIL is very lonely. She is spending Christmas with us and it's made me realised that as she will be staying with us a lot more often (she lives a 4 hour train journey away so will stay for long weekends/a week) and there are times we would normal be seeing my family for Sunday lunch etc that she will be with us & I'm not sure how/if it's fair to just expect my family to accommodate her.
Also, my parents own a house in Devon so family get-togethers happen most main holidays and now MIL is on her own, it seems obvious to bring her but I'm just not sure. None of my siblings or parents would say no and obviously feel bad she's on her own, BUT I suspect given the choice wouldn't have her there. This partly because they don't know her as well, but also she is quite draining as she talks non-stop and becomes very Hyacinth Bucket around my family (very difficult levels of wealth/class if there is such a thing anymore) and it's really awkward for everyone so I (selfishly) wouldn't always want her there.

How to handle it? Accept she's very much part of my immediate family now and apologise/explain in advance and give everyone an 'out' or keep her at arms length as far as my family are concerned even if it means less lunches & holidays for my DC. If it makes any difference, if she doesn't come away with us she won't get a holiday so do always feel bad about the family weeks we spend together with DC other grandparents knowing she'd love to go away with us.

Obviously with your MIL being recently widowed it’s different but are you sure she expects you to always include her?

I am alone, have been long term. Friends and family are always determined that I can’t be alone on Christmas/Easter/New Year, they’d feel bad if I was etc etc but often I’m happy to do so and don’t expect the invite - in the case of New Year I’ve developed my own traditions around being alone.

I think you need to spend Christmas holidays at your house and invite your family and DH’s family seperately. This is the only way to avoid problems. You can plan trips to Devon with your family at other times of the year.

I think it depends on how your mil behaves and makes an effort in your family environment.
If she expects everything to be the way she would do it and for your family to change for her then eventually your family will get tired of having her around.
If she slides in naturally, helps out where she can, has a bond with other family members then it doesn't make that much difference to have another seat at the table.

I think you should look into local groups, luncheon clubs, any kind of social activities that she can get involved in. Of course you want to include her in family things, but it would be so beneficial for her to meet new friends and have some other interests too.
My neighbour is 80 and on her own, her church group and local social groups are a life line for her and she often goes for a coffee with friends she has made there, most of them are in the same boat.

If she slides in naturally, helps out where she can, has a bond with other family members then it doesn't make that much difference to have another seat at the table.

As the "voice from the other side" this is what I try to do. I try to help, to amuse a GC while DD is cooking, to help with homework, to bring a contribution to the meal, to listen to stuff from GC that Mum and Dad have heard a million times etc. etc. etc.

Also, on the occasions when I have holidayed with them, I have said very clearly and openly that this is not a precedent in my mind, that I know they also need to go away as a family unit and that when they do I will be happy for them - and want lots of pics on WhatsApp.

So .... a paragon of virtue? .... well, it is not always easy to stand back when I am feeling particularly lonely, but I know that it is necessary. Life as a widow is hard - there is a massive gap that needs filling. I know my DDs are sensitive to this.

It is a hard balance to strike but we do our best. And I know that I am loved - they tell me all the time - but I need to recognise that my new role as the "outlier" is an adjustment for all of us. I find it hard.

@Mischance you sound so much like my kind and wonderful DAunt. When her DH passed away the adult families included her in many of their activities, even though she was the DSM as their DM had passed away when they were young. But she is such a joy to be around and would never over extend her invitation and would be helpful when there.

Unfortunately I don't get the sense that DMIL is that person, and therefore its important to tread carefully and sensitively so that expectations aren't set that will ultimately result in greater unhappiness than giving the matter proper thought right now, as the OP is doing.

And honestly yes if I were OPs DPs in this scenario, who seem to devote a lot of time and money to seeing their family, I'd come to resent an additional person if they came to all the gatherings and if they were a somewhat critical and tricky person, once allowances had been made for the initial period of becoming a widow.

Would she consider moving into sheltered accommodation? A friend's aunt did this after her DH died. She is happy and safe and in particular she enjoys the company of several other widows. They have regular coffee mornings in the communal lounge, shop together, enjoy the garden together. She is not lonely and IMO it is loneliness that is the biggest issue. She has her own flat but none of the worry of maintenance and repairs.

How often do you see/spend time with your side of the family?

When you marry someone and have children with them, you are joining your family to theirs. I would hope that OP's large and materially privileged family can find room for her children's grandmother.

This is only true up to a point. Two people marry each other, their families don't. I'm sure that most people would be willing to include their son/daughter's in-laws sometimes but they've no obligation to constantly accommodate people they may not like just because their children got married. And each side of the family is allowed to see their son/daughter and grandchildren without always having to see the other set of grandparents at the same time.

May have missed this but is DH her only child? What do his siblings thing about MIL and looking out for her going forward?

I think you might have to pin down which holidays are with which side of the family. Surely, if your holidays to Devon with your family don't cost anything (sorry if I've miss understood that) you can take the odd week of holiday through out the year when you take MIL on holiday somewhere else even if it is a small house/ caravan holiday - surely your kids would like to spend time with her as well as their other grandparents.

How does your DH feel about all of this?

Have you never gone on holiday with MIL but always with your family? That feels a bit off even if your family holidays are amazing and you get accommodation for free.

@jellybe yes DH has a sister who lives down the road from MIL but it's a bit of an odd relationship IMO and she seems to have become more like a visiting caree than family member - she sees mil regularly to check in on her, might do the odd shop etc but rarely spends any quality time together, has never invited her to spend Christmas with her family, would never take mil out for lunch/dinner or on holiday despite doing all those things with her extended family. To be fair, FIL was quite stuck in his ways and got worse with age and just didn't like going anywhere so for at least the past decade MIL has done very little outside home.

She does already live in sheltered accommodation but all activities and socialising including their lounge have been shut since last March and there's very little sign of anything restarting.

It's balance - some special occasions with your family, some with his (including mil) some combined

You’re being very kind and thoughtful, but it shouldn’t be down to just you to save her from loneliness. No I don’t think it’s fair on your family to expect them to accommodate her - not very often, anyway. Your DH and SIL should talk about how they can both help their mum. That could include helping her to find things to do on her own or with friends, so she isn’t completely dependent on you for company and interests.

We had a similar issue (right down to the Mrs Bucket element!!!) when we lost both my Grandad’s in the same month!

Suddenly doing anything as a family (parents and me in 20s, brother in teens) seemed to mean consciously feeling like leaving out a grandparent or two!!! My parents started to consciously invite both their Mum’s to everything! They are very different people but there is definitely no favouritism from me and my brother which helps. They also bonded slightly over grief.

There were some sticky moments where they seemed to grate on each other slightly (competitiveness over who can bring the most impressive pudding to Sunday dinner!) and a few times one of them said she felt not posh enough but ultimately over time the family dynamic has adjusted to include both of them and they have adjusted to being part of the main family unit and get along. They will never be best friends but they are definitely friends, can chit chat and the one that drives regularly offers lifts to and from family events to the other.

As their granddaughter I adore both of them and am exceptionally close to both! Bringing them both into the core family unit showed me some sides of them that I wasn’t aware of before but I do love them as individuals. Christmas, Sunday lunches, even some holidays now include both of them and it would be weird without them. They will be spending the morning of my wedding getting ready with me, my Mum and my bridesmaids- that’s how close we are!

Widowhood is very new for her and it will take time for her to pick ip and shape her new life.
It is very kind of your to include her and care for her as she goes through this process. But you can gently phrase things going forward..." we are doing/going.... would you like to come THIS TIME"....
Refer to "downtime" when you as a family sit quietly, read, on phones etc... and if she talks on.. then just mumble..mmmm... "sorry, this is an exciting bit"...."sorry.. wasnt listening"....
Maybe once she has a social life again and picks up friendships she will calm down.. if she has been a carer for a while she has had to pack any social contact into the time she was free... does that make sense??
You sound lovely to be so caring towards her at this time... but take it day by day... dont face problems before they arrive!