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Original poster

Awkward situation

77 replies

vickyp0llard · 02/12/2021 14:23

I'm having a party soon and one of my friends has a dog. I don't think they've ever left it anywhere, it always goes with them to any sort of event and anyone's house they're invited to, even blocks of flats where pets are banned.

Now I really don't want any pets in my home - I'm allergic to every furry animal going, even the hypoallergenic ones (which apparently this one is, but he still made me sneeze a lot when I stayed at their house). I often sneeze for weeks after I've left a pet-owners house if I don't wash my hair/clothes/everything straight away. They've suggested keeping him in an exclusively hard-floored part of the house, but I don't see how this will realistically work when everyone gets drunk and wants to play with the cute dog, and the dog will inevitably get out and start running around on the carpets. I don't want to spend my party feeling anxious about it, as well as having to steam-clean my carpets once they've gone.

I think they will have a really hard time taking no for an answer and will see it as some sort of offense that I don't want their dog in my house, as I've tried to softly mention I'm worried about the allergies and they've still said they'll "have" to bring him. AIBU to demand they leave him with someone else?

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 02/12/2021 14:50

You need to frame this differently - it's not a problem because your'e not assertive or an awkward situation that you are creating. This isa problem because your friend is being selfish and inconsiderate.

Simple text, "Hi, just to clarify, I am afraid you really can't bring your dog to my party. Hopefully you can find someone to dogsit for you! Looking forward to seeing you. xx"

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/12/2021 14:50

Hi friend, sorry, but I'm going to have to say it's a hard no with regards to you bringing the dog to my house. Hope you manage to sort something out, and can still come to the party, will be great to catch up. Love Vicky

21dolly · 02/12/2021 14:55

Some people are so so strange when it comes to pets.

There's many owners who love their pets like their kids but understand not everyone likes/wants to be around their pet. However some just insist their pets upon others and I find it so weird.

It's your house and your party. There doesn't need to be any negotiation especially as you actually have allergies when being around animals. The entitlement of just bringing her dog along without even asking is so weird to me! Just tell her unfortunately you're not able to accommodate her dog during the party but would still love for her to come on her own

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21dolly · 02/12/2021 14:56

The two responses above me^ are 👏
I'd be using either or

FlowerFlour · 02/12/2021 14:57

Don't get drawn into reasons or 'maybe we can put him in a different room' or anything like that. Simple broken record "I'm allergic, the dog can't come. I understand if you can't make it." Then just repeat that to whatever she says.

Her: "but he's never been alone before!"
You: I'm allergic, he can't come. I understand if you can't make it.

Her: how about if I leave him in a carrying basket in the kitchen?
You: I'm allergic, he can't come. I understand if you can't make it.

Her: so you obviously hate me and are an animal murderer!
You: I'm allergic, he can't come. I understand if you can't make it.

If she turns up with the dog anyway you'll have to turn her away at the door.

Crazy behaviour altogether though on behalf of your friend.

iloveheater · 02/12/2021 15:00

@vickyp0llard

Yeah I was a bit surprised, as they weren't even going to ask me, I only found out they were planning to bring the dog when I asked them "are you planning to bring him, as I'm allergic and worried about it" and they said yes. I'm crap at being assertive, so I'm dreading having to put my foot down.... It's a party all of my friends are going to, I would like them to come and wouldn't want them to feel I'm excluding them, but surely it can't be that difficult to find a dogsitter for the weekend?

If the dog literally stayed shut off in the spare room it might work, but I can't see that happening, and it's not nice for the dog either.

This is is your problem:

"are you planning to bring him, as I'm allergic and worried about it"

It should be "you cannot bring him, as I'm allergic and your dog will make me ill."

Sometimes, with allergies, you have to be forceful. No one else understands how much you actually suffer.

SmolCat · 02/12/2021 15:00

I have a dog I can’t leave alone but I still wouldn’t have him around anyone who’s allergic. She needs to get a sitter/walker/day care or not go.

You need to spell out to her that being allergic means you can’t have a dog in your home.

stillavid · 02/12/2021 15:03

Definitely be firm I am not allergic but would not want a dog in my house as just not really a fan of them.

Have lots of friends with dogs and never has anyone thought they could just bring a dog with them - it is quite bizarre.

Cheeseandlobster · 02/12/2021 15:04

And actually it will be crueller to leave the dog in the spare room which is unfamiliar than in its own home

LookItsMeAgain · 02/12/2021 15:06

"Hi CFer Friends,
I was taken aback when you said that you were planning on bringing CFer Dog along to my upcoming party. Unfortunately, CFer Dog is not invited - it's a humans only party.
I'd be disappointed if you can't come but I completely understand if you decide that you can no longer attend due to your 4 legged friend being higher on your list of priorities than a two legged one Perhaps we can meet up in the new year. All the best, vicky

That's what I'd respond with (or something like that)

IslaInthesun · 02/12/2021 15:09

Hi, I've been thinking about this and Rex can't come, if you can't make it I'll understand. Please let me know.

Done

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/12/2021 15:10

I sympathise on the difficulty in being assertive front, what seems easy for some people is incredibly difficult for others.

But this is a great opportunity to practise being assertive.

You must tell her no. It doesn't matter how she feels about it, she clearly has no problem disregarding your feelings so you mustn't agonise over hers.

A text is your friend here. Sorry but I can't have your dog here because of my allergies, I'll become very ill.

What she does with that is her problem.

Mamamamasaurus · 02/12/2021 15:11

Absolutely fucking not. That's not on at all. I'm all for being an animal lover and a conscientious dog owner but there's a bloody line

tanstaafl · 02/12/2021 15:11

Uninvited them.
We know you know they’ll bring the dog otherwise.
Put you on the spot.
You’ll cave in.
your party is ruined. ( for you )

Animood · 02/12/2021 15:13

Tell them you would love them to come but you cannot have the doggo because you're allergic and it's just not possible.

A normal person would understand.

Mamette · 02/12/2021 15:15

I wouldn’t send a message, I would ring them or at least leave a voicemail message. Sometimes a text can sound a bit abrupt. They sound very PFP (perfect first puppy).

I assume you want to keep them as friends so I would ring them and say that there’s obviously a mix up and it’s so annoying..! But even having Fluffy in the house will activate your allergy, it’s not just a case of keeping him at arm’s length or in another room. Such a shame! Can you find someone to dog sit or will you not be able to come?

Original poster
vickyp0llard · 02/12/2021 15:16

Sometimes, with allergies, you have to be forceful. No one else understands how much you actually suffer.

Yes - lots of my family have pets and it really puts me off even visiting. You're essentially ill for the entire duration of your visit and then can drag it home with you too. Antihistamines aren't a magic cure.

You're all right. I know it sounds a bit pathetic but it would defo affect my night, instead of chatting to my friends and enjoying drinks I'd be constantly keeping an eye out for the dog going rogue, or feeling guilty that he's probably crying in a cage nearby! We're not close friends but they're part of a big group I'm friends with, so I don't want to fall out over it. I just wanted to check that I'm not being a dick (doesn't seem like I am) before I draft up a message.

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 02/12/2021 15:17

What she does with that is her problem.

Box of pirotin, right?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/12/2021 15:19

@Mamette

I wouldn’t send a message, I would ring them or at least leave a voicemail message. Sometimes a text can sound a bit abrupt. They sound very PFP (perfect first puppy).

I assume you want to keep them as friends so I would ring them and say that there’s obviously a mix up and it’s so annoying..! But even having Fluffy in the house will activate your allergy, it’s not just a case of keeping him at arm’s length or in another room. Such a shame! Can you find someone to dog sit or will you not be able to come?

That was my first thought but OP concedes she finds it v difficult to be assertive so realistically this may be too hard.

And maybe this friendship isn't worth it, she would be a lot healthier if she never had to be around the dog. The friend doesn't sound like very good one tbh.

MysteriousMonkey · 02/12/2021 15:21

Hey friend
I've been thinking about it and I'm afraid darling Bruno cannot come to my party due to my awful dog allergy. I'm sure you understand. I really hope you can still come but if not let's catch up soon x

Job done. Honestly I can be a bit permissive but you definitely don't have to have a dog gate crash your party!

Mamette · 02/12/2021 15:22

@50ShadesOfCatholic yes I’ve just seen OP’s update that they are not really close friends. The cheek of them!

BleuJay · 02/12/2021 15:27

We have a dog sitter (two girls) for these types of occasion.

If we go on holiday the dogs go their house and live in the home or if it’s for a day or evening one or both come to ours.

It’s peace of mind that dogs are cared for.

For three dogs it’s £27 for a whole day, so hardly expensive.

Original poster
vickyp0llard · 02/12/2021 15:45

This is the thing, if we were really close friends I'd have no problem being honest, my best friend and in-laws are really understanding and would never bring their dog into the house. I like them and we get on well, but because we're not that close it's one of those friendships where you have to walk on eggshells a bit to not offend them. It's their first dog so they are very "new parent-y". Guess I just have to prepare for them not taking it well/not coming!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/12/2021 15:48

I just wanted to check that I'm not being a dick (doesn't seem like I am) before I draft up a message.

Don’t spend ages on it, don’t give loads of waffle. Just a short, sweet “Just to clarify, I can’t have Dog at my party because of my allergies. Let me know if you can come or not - hope you can sort a dog sitter, looking forward to catching up.”

FlowerFlour · 02/12/2021 16:06

@NoSquirrels

I just wanted to check that I'm not being a dick (doesn't seem like I am) before I draft up a message.

Don’t spend ages on it, don’t give loads of waffle. Just a short, sweet “Just to clarify, I can’t have Dog at my party because of my allergies. Let me know if you can come or not - hope you can sort a dog sitter, looking forward to catching up.”

Please send this, and don't say sorry! They are the ones who should be sorry.
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