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Original poster

HELP!! Confused about men

32 replies

AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 14:18

Hi all! I need help and advice. I am divorced with kids, and I've been on a few dates with a divorced dad. The dates have been amazing so far. But... we only see each other once a week. We both work full time, we've got kids, lots on our plates, but I kind of wish we would see each other a bit more. Also, he doesn't text during the day, at all. He's got back to back calls, and he has to focus on work, but so do I. Still, it's clearly not his thing and I don't want to talk to him about it not to make him feel guilty for not texting me. Guilt trips are never good. And he also never seems to want to talk on the phone. I suggested it a couple of times, he ignored the suggestions, and that was that. We now have our next date planned, next week, and he does text me a line every morning and a few exchanges every evening, but that is it. I don't want to screw this up - there are nowadays so many rules in dating!! When we meet, it's amazing, but are we moving too slow? Or is it ok to have a week in between dates and very scarce communication in between? We met online, so he may very well be dating others, too, but I think it's too early to have a talk about being exclusive, so I am not bringing it up. Should I just let him lead and go with the flow?

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 02/12/2021 14:32

I've been with my partner 5 years. We still see each other 1 or 2 times a week and hae a very sparse communication in between. I work ft and have young kids. His are grown up but he has a busy job and hobbies. I really like my autonomy and independence now. I think even when my kids are adults I'll keep a distance. It's a hard thing to get used to as we're so conditioned as to what a relationship should look like, but it's a different kind of thing than the early twenties, free and single dating thing. It's not about rules though. It's what makes sense at different stages and what you are comfortable with

BIWI · 02/12/2021 14:36

Just relax and enjoy the dates.

However ...

... are you sleeping together yet? One thing that would make me wary is if you're just a fuck buddy for him. (Although that would be perfectly fine if you would be OK with that!)

Original poster
AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 15:04

@BIWI

Just relax and enjoy the dates.

However ...

... are you sleeping together yet? One thing that would make me wary is if you're just a fuck buddy for him. (Although that would be perfectly fine if you would be OK with that!)

We are not sleeping together yet. With kids in both homes, that’s not easy logistically 😂 But we have talked about a romantic weekend getaway at the end of the month.

And I am enjoying the dates, very much. He says he’s enjoying them too. Still, I get frustrated when there’s nothing from him for hours and I don’t know if I should just adopt the same texting manner (and forget about phone calls altogether). I mean, yesterday he texted me in the evening ‘Thinking about you…’ - that was very sweet, it made me smile. But I was also compelled to text back and say something nice in return - I think it’s only normal. But today I texted him a nice short line line that at lunchtime and it’s been several hours now - nothing back from him…

OP posts:

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Dating General relationships
Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 15:08

This is really, really important when dating after divorce:

Never again let your world revolve around someone
Fill your life with good things
If it makes you happy its unacceptable
If it doesn't make you happy, seek compromise and communication
If still not happy: thank you, next!

Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 15:08

Lol...obviously I meant acceptable above!!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 02/12/2021 15:11

chill a bit, all this is quite ok, you don't have to be in each others lives that much especially in early days like this, just relax and enjoy things for what they are, not everyone likes messaging a lot and if he is texting every morning and evening I think that is more than enough.

Original poster
AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 15:19

@HugeAckmansWife

I've been with my partner 5 years. We still see each other 1 or 2 times a week and hae a very sparse communication in between. I work ft and have young kids. His are grown up but he has a busy job and hobbies. I really like my autonomy and independence now. I think even when my kids are adults I'll keep a distance. It's a hard thing to get used to as we're so conditioned as to what a relationship should look like, but it's a different kind of thing than the early twenties, free and single dating thing. It's not about rules though. It's what makes sense at different stages and what you are comfortable with
Thanks!! Yes, I suppose if both parties are ok with such sparse communication, that’s great. But I do find it difficult when I don’t hear from him for hours and as we see each other only once a week, it really is difficult for me. Should I talk to him about it? But then it’ll make him feel guilty and it’s an awkward conversation…
OP posts:
Original poster
AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 15:25

@Yummypumpkin

This is really, really important when dating after divorce:

Never again let your world revolve around someone
Fill your life with good things
If it makes you happy its unacceptable
If it doesn't make you happy, seek compromise and communication
If still not happy: thank you, next!

The thing is, he does make me happy! But the style of communication doesn’t, not really… Still, I’m worried that as it’s only been a few dates, I can’t really start this conversation about me wanting more communication already now, and that I better be patient and wait till it gets a bit more serious to talk to him about it and how it makes me feel. I mean, I sent him a nice ‘thinking about you’ text 4h ago - nothing back from him. 😕 Maybe he just read it, smiled and went about his day - but then again, why can’t he just at least send a smiley back or something?..
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5thnonblonde · 02/12/2021 15:26

Have you met any of his mates or anything? Hate to be the one to say it but do be careful he really is divorced. I think if you have a hunch you should go with it. Post divorce I knew my now DH was the one because there just wasn’t any of this doubting- if I ever thought ‘hmm he’s been quiet’ he’d pop up later saying ‘sorry my battery had died etc etc’

LucentBlade · 02/12/2021 15:30

You are in touch every single day, it’s plenty for some people. I check my phone twice a day. I thought you were going to say he ignored you between dates. We all have different levels of communication needed. It really may be enough for him emotionally or he may just be really busy. You can bring it up but for me on a personal level I would feel suffocated with someone that wanted multiple communications a day.

Dunnowhatalltheacronymsmean · 02/12/2021 16:10

I know how it can make you anxious waiting for replies to messages, especially if you've just started seeing someone. It sounds like the nature of his work makes a bit of a text gap during the day unavoidable. A message every morning and messages in the evening sound pretty positive to me.

You could go ahead and call him one day, start with something about logistics for your next date 'I was going to send a text but it was easier to call...' and see if it turns into the kind of call you're after.

It's early days, but I'd say don't hide the fact that you enjoy his company and want more of it. Be up front so you know where you stand. It might be that between his children and work he's happy with a once a week thing, and if you want more it's best to know that now.

Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 16:23

I go mad if friends or family want to text in the day.

I need to concentrate, am often mad busy and am in such a different zone...I honestly am not thinking of much beyond work when working so would find this challenging. Once I got into a relationship I'd be a bit more relaxed but early days, when I'd said I don't like to be messaged at work I would find it annoying.

Original poster
AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 16:41

Case in point : I texted him at noon ‘thinking of you :)’ - now it’s 5h later, nothing at all from him. I know he will text eventually tonight, but I really don’t like to be thinking about it all day and checking my phone… So should I text him now again? Keep waiting? Bring it up at the next date? Call him tonight? 😕

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BIWI · 02/12/2021 16:59

No, no, no!

Step back and stop fixating on him. You say you're busy at work - but are you really?!

Like @Yummypumpkin, when I was working I would have been seriously irritated by texts - and especially feeling that I was required to reply - no matter how sweet the text.

Put your phone away!

1forAll74 · 02/12/2021 17:16

I can't get my head around all this having to text and phone people, if you can't see them for some while. its a kind of neediness for some people. There woud be more to say to a person,when you actually get to see them,if people didn't send silly little texts all day long. I wouldn't even date anyone,if they were glued to phones all the time.

Crinkle77 · 02/12/2021 19:01

@AstroGirl5

Case in point : I texted him at noon ‘thinking of you :)’ - now it’s 5h later, nothing at all from him. I know he will text eventually tonight, but I really don’t like to be thinking about it all day and checking my phone… So should I text him now again? Keep waiting? Bring it up at the next date? Call him tonight? 😕
You've already said he's very busy in work with back to back meetings so stop texting during the day then you can't be disappointed. Leave it until the evening when he's got more time to respond and have that more meaningful exchange.
Animood · 02/12/2021 19:33

Is he a bit older than you OP? I found when I dated a guy older than me he didn't really see the need to message throughout the day and thought it a bit odd! People my age much more likely to be texting mates constantly, updating socials etc.

Lollyneenah · 02/12/2021 19:43

How many nights a week does he have his children?

thefourgp · 02/12/2021 19:57

I would personally like this. I’m a busy working mum but men still expect me to text every morning and night when dating. You enjoy your time together, he texts you every day, I think you need to relax but I understand that everyone has their own idea of what’s a reasonable amount of daily contact. Talk to him about it during your next date and if you’re comfortable with his thoughts about it you’re golden.

LightSpeeds · 02/12/2021 20:05

It sounds like you have mismatched expectations about this situation.

On his part, it could be because he is busy, doesn't feel the need to be texting all the time, is less emotional than you, is in contact with other women too, is more relaxed about dating, wants to take it slowly, etc.

I'd feel the same as you in this situation and my previous experience has shown that, in similar circumstances, the bloke HASN'T suddenly started to show an increased interest and so things haven't worked out in a satisfactory way for me.

Maybe it'll be different in your case but I'd protect yourself emotionally by not expecting too much, at this point.

I hope it works out.

By the way, how did you meet him?

JustFrustrated · 02/12/2021 20:08

He doesn't sound like a single man....

CouldThisReallyBe · 02/12/2021 20:14

@AstroGirl5

Case in point : I texted him at noon ‘thinking of you :)’ - now it’s 5h later, nothing at all from him. I know he will text eventually tonight, but I really don’t like to be thinking about it all day and checking my phone… So should I text him now again? Keep waiting? Bring it up at the next date? Call him tonight? 😕
Noooooooo....wait for him to come to you now. I had a BF who was like this and actually when I got to know him better I realised that it was because he wasn't obsessed with his phone or checking it often, and never when in company where it would distract him from a conversation.

It's early day OP and slow is good. Let it build organically and maybe mirror his behaviour and see what happens (next time he texts leave it a couple of hours before you reply). If his behaviour is to do that - he probably doesn't expect an instant reply.

MissConductUS · 02/12/2021 20:21

I think you need to try to be a bit more Zen about this. As others have said, he may not be obsessed with checking his phone constantly.

Talk to him about it. I personally would rather have a quick conversation a few times a week than the constant texting, which seems sterile to me.

Original poster
AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 20:35

@MissConductUS

I think you need to try to be a bit more Zen about this. As others have said, he may not be obsessed with checking his phone constantly.

Talk to him about it. I personally would rather have a quick conversation a few times a week than the constant texting, which seems sterile to me.

I would love to have a few quick conversations during the week - but he doesn’t want to talk on the phone either. It’s literally one date a week and just a couple of texts morning and evening between dates. I just wonder if that’s a red flag?..
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Original poster
AstroGirl5 · 02/12/2021 20:39

I would love to let it build organically but I worry that he’s dating other women and is simply not that interested in a serious relationship. Tonight he finally texted in the early evening, two words: ‘enjoy climbing.’ I climb… ok, nice of him, but I really would want a more meaningful exchange with someone I like, especially in the early days when there are still all these doubts and getting to know each other… And resentment starts to build, too, as I’m now upset and I simply don’t want to text him back after this, at all. Tomorrow he’s home skiing with his son for the weekend so we will only meet again next week… At this rate it’s easy to forget each other, to totally extinguish this early spark, I fear.

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