Have you thought about adoption?

[Chikapu]

Is it really that easy to foster or adopt a child? I see it bandied around on here all the time, if someone mentions that they're struggling to conceive it's immediately brought up as a solution.
Isn't it a long and difficult process with no guarantees?

No, it's fucking hard and not everyone is successful.

I absolutely fucking loathe the immediate "have you thought about adopting?" question being thrown at anyone with infertility issues. Fuck off. You can't just pop to Tesco and pick out a child.

My DB adopted his wonderful son. My DH and I were turned down.

I'm a bit bitter.

It’s hard, really really hard. You feel like every area of your life is scrutinised (as it should be) but for me, the end result has been beyond anything I could ever dream of. Seven years on I’m deeply grateful for my child every day and couldn’t possibly love them more had I given birth to them.

I'm an adoptive parent of 2. Adopting them was the most difficult thing I've ever done.
So stressful, emotionally draining, expensive, mountains of paperwork, dealing with ridiculous demands from social workers.
It was worth it in the end though, my kids are amazing.
Pop over to the Adoption board on here and read some of the threads there. It's very eye opening.

I think it's quite well known that the process is long and intrusive. It's not something I'd ever consider - I've had light social services involvement with my family in the past and I found it far too intrusive and often ignorant and prejudiced, so I'd never choose to do anything that involved them. I have two dc and both took some time to conceive - at various points we considered fertility treatment (not needed in the end) but if we hadn't been able to conceive on our own I would rather have accepted living without dc than going through the adoption process.

Several of our friends have adopted children, and I am frankly in awe of their level of parenting (I suppose it's not surprise that they are/were all in caring professions nurses, therapists, a vicar beforehand). But even these extraordinary parents of beloved children would tell you how very hard it can be.

I think it's fair to say that no child comes to adoption without earlier trauma, and just muddling through isn't going to cut it. But Gabsdot would be much more informed than any bystander can be.

I did heavily consider it, but I don't think I would be able to cope with potentially years of effort into going down the adoption route with the possibility of being rejected at the end of it all. I think it would be even more painful than my current infertility predicament.

Furthermore, from what I've read and heard, children who are seeking to be adopted in the UK often come from complex backgrounds with potential trauma and healthcare issues from things like FAS or neglect. I'd prefer to have experience of raising my own children first and making any big mistakes with them rather than potentially making things worse for a child who already has complex needs.

If I get to 40+ and still childless then I can throw everything I have at the adoption process because I definitely want to be a parent (and to be frank I'd probably adopt from abroad rather than the UK). But for now it's off the books.

Nothing about "Have you thought about adoption?" suggests it's easy. It's a valid question.

I think it is a valid question too, at the right time.
That time isn't while people re still going through fertility treatment.

However it is a valid question if someone comes on and says words to the effect of 'fertility treatment has failed, how can I cope with not being a parent'. There are many misconceptions about adopting and who is allowed to, that people rule it out for incorrect reasons.

My 2 were 'harder to place' and it has been a massive challenge since each turned 16 but I have loved being a mum helping them develop and grow.

I don't think any infertile couple has gone through the process of trying to conceive unsuccessfully each month without having considered adoption. It's not exactly an esoteric concept akin to "have you considered egg or embryo donation", everyone's heard of it.

I'm sorry but I genuinely think it's a needless, unhelpful, pointless, stupid and hurtful thing to say.

Fostering though is a skilled job and not an alternative to becoming a parent.

I hate it when I see people saying 'not sure I want to be a parent' and someone says 'why not try fostering'. Children in FC do not need people with a 'try before you buy' approach!

I'm
Single and would love to have children. But I know adoption is not an option for me. I have health issues. And I know a family who have adopted twice and it is incredibly hard work. One of their little ones has major issues as a result of his early/ pre birth trauma and I suspect his newly adopted full sibling may also have them.

@TeenMinusTests

Fostering though is a skilled job and not an alternative to becoming a parent.

I hate it when I see people saying 'not sure I want to be a parent' and someone says 'why not try fostering'. Children in FC do not need people with a 'try before you buy' approach!

Yes. This really annoyed me as well. I take my hat off to all foster carers. Because I sure as hell couldn't do it!

You should seek to adopt and foster if you want to adopt or foster- not as a sustitute for not being able to conceive/ dont want to give birth (yes this reason was given on mn once). It's a far harder, more selfless job than parenting your own children would be and I hate the blase attitude in which its offered up on these boards.

Best thing I've ever done.

@TeenMinusTests

Fostering though is a skilled job and not an alternative to becoming a parent.

I hate it when I see people saying 'not sure I want to be a parent' and someone says 'why not try fostering'. Children in FC do not need people with a 'try before you buy' approach!

Yes! It's thrown out as a trial run for 'real' parenting and it's maddening that people think that way.

We seriously investigated adoption when we were dealing with infertility. It is a potentially grueling and expensive process with very high odds of never succeeding. I understand why people turn to surrogacy, despite the ethical quagmire.

Yes, there are many older children in need of homes, but those older children almost always have medical or trauma backgrounds that require careful matching to just the right adoptive parent.

Drifting expensive process ? It's free... (if adopting in UK, not if wanting to adopt from abroad)

My nephew is adopted and I have nothing but admiration for my BIL and SIL.
He is a wonderful, intelligent and funny child but has obviously been affected by the trauma experienced in his early years. I have three DCs, 2 with ASN, so to an extent I understand some of their challenges, but adoption is absolutely not for everyone.

Yes, adopted twice. Process intense and thorough (and at times frustrating) but nothing like as difficult as raising 2 children with then undiagnosed disabilities and trauma with limited support and understanding by wider family, and professionals in health and education. 10 years on and I couldn't love them both more if I'd made them myself, but haven't been able to work for 6 years, and after a battle to get diagnosis of FASD (Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) for them both I'm still fighting to get them appropriate support at school. They are amazing kids with such great qualities but it hurts to see them struggle daily with the consequences of their disabilities, and I worry about their futures. From the support groups I'm in it's sadly a common issue for families who adopt/foster/ care for family members via special guardianship etc.

Christ it's hard. I saw a friend go through a hellish experience trying to adopt. The social worker was utterly vile. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't witnessed it myself. Friend spent two years jumping through hoop after hoop. She wanted an older child and the last straw was being told that she had to close her successful business even though she'd only be working in school hours. She withdrew at that point. It was ludicrous and a child missed out on having a truly lovely life with her.

Approximately 30 years ago after we'd flown the nest, my parents applied to foster and were rejected on the grounds they were too well off and would give children ideas above their station . Given my parents were both from working class backgrounds, it was again utter madness. They would have been amazing foster parents. Dreadful really.

@CatJumperTwat

Nothing about "Have you thought about adoption?" suggests it's easy. It's a valid question.

This. I don't think anyone thinks its a straightforward, quick process, or that there are any guarantees.

Agree with a pp, though it's the implicit equivalence with fostering that really annoys me. Fostering is a job a demanding and important one, absolutely, amounting to a vocation for some -- but you are not that child's parent. It's not 'adoption lite'.

I have quite a few friends who have adopted their children, domestically and internationally. I have often found their parenting challenging and inspirational in all the right ways, especially on things like parenting the child you have, not some imaginary other child, or your own child self.

Its genuinely the best thing I’ve ever done, but also the hardest. However I am a member of the birth family, so that makes certain things easier, SS for example are less picky and the process is essentially the ‘lite’ version. Another huge benefit is that I know half of my sons birth family, so he will always know about them, have photos, know their hobbies etc, rather than relying on a crappy lifestory book and letter box contact. Birth mum has had another baby and the process has changed a little bit, but thats due to foster to adopt becoming more common.

All adopted children have additional needs, some ‘only’ have attachment difficulties, all adopted children need a different type of parenting. As a parent through adoption I only really notice this when I babysit a friends two children, the fact they can be babysat and be happy and calm the next day is just something that wouldn’t happen for my son, he can be babysat by two people and two people only, and even then he will have issues with emotional regulation the next day.

Dealing with other people is one of the hardest things, “who is his real dad” erm, I am, “don’t you want one of your own” erm, fairly sure he’s mine. Post adoption support is awful, the theraplay etc my son has is paid for by me, social care don’t care unless there is a real risk of the adoption disrupting. Your children lose their privacy because so called medical professionals are incapable of reading notes, so you have to constantly explain their background, annoying when they’re three, a huge issue when they’re thirteen. Or they blame everything on early trauma, in my sons case his ear infections are sometimes blamed on trauma…rather than his hearing aids making him more susceptible.

Adoption leave is not equal, I can’t get paid leave because I am a member of the birth family, self employed adopters can’t get adoption pay, where as self employer parents of biological children can get statutory pay. So while I can take leave I will receive £0 for it, where as my husband will be paid.

Working fulltime and being an adopter just isn’t an option for most adoptive parents.

In my county you can’t be fat and adopt. I was left heartbroken that we couldn’t even apply

@TeenMinusTests

Fostering though is a skilled job and not an alternative to becoming a parent.

I hate it when I see people saying 'not sure I want to be a parent' and someone says 'why not try fostering'. Children in FC do not need people with a 'try before you buy' approach!

Yes! So much this.

Fostering isn't the human equivalent of Borrow My Doggy.

Drifting expensive process ? It's free... (if adopting in UK, not if wanting to adopt from abroad)

The assessment process doesn’t cost but I was left with a significant legal bill when I adopted, definitely not always free.