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Original poster

Think one of my kids has been stealing my cash

64 replies

LarryVeest · 01/12/2021 13:47

I have a pot with a roll of a few hundred pounds cash, which I add to each week. Every few months or so I go and pay it into the bank, and every now and then I pay eg the window cleaner in cash. I have been a bit lax about tracking the amount over the last 6 months but noticed back in September there was less than I thought, so I started keeping a proper log. Sure enough there have been two times when I've found less than the amount that I expected in there (most recently £60 less).

I don't think it could be anyone outside of the family, as it would take some rummaging to find the pot. I've also double checked with DH that he hasn't spent any of it. I have three kids, the eldest (16) is the most likely culprit (the other younger two don't really go out shopping or hanging out with friends. She's generally a good kid though, and I'm shocked to think she'd actually steal from me!

I'm planning on having a one to one chat with each of them, asking if they know anything about it, but I was wondering if anyone else had been through this, or has any advice about how to handle it.

OP posts:
Labracadabra · 01/12/2021 15:58

I suppose it depends what you want to happen

  1. stealing to stop
  2. your DD to think about her actions and the impact and maybe for it to alter her future behaviour

I think you can get 1) without 2) but both would be preferable

FWIW, my father has used other family members' bank cards and card details, logged into online accounts using others' details, faked sob stories to get him out of paying back loans he had no intention of paying back, and created fake accreditation stickers on his work van. I think that kind of personality is developed and maybe (maybe?) can be nipped in the bud early on - I'm not in any way saying your DD would be the same but it would be great if this did not become a habit for her

AngelinaFibres · 01/12/2021 16:25

@MyPatronusIsAPenguin

Ashamed to admit I used to do this Blush

The thing that stopped me was a handwritten note basically saying I know someone is taking money, please stop

I was so mortified I never did it again. I always assumed it would go unnoticed Blush

Do this. My mum did it and it worked a treat
user1471538283 · 01/12/2021 16:38

I think some children just steal no matters how you raise them. My friends eldest daughter did, my DS did, two of my cousins did. For no real reason.

I tackled it by refusing to allow his friends over and taking my purse to bed with me. It may have been a friend but I doubt it based on other money related things he did. The period didn't last long but I was devastated.

I was raised with money knocking around the house and even though my DF would always say to take some if you need it I never did. I also never went into my DMs purse even with her permission.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
WTF475878237NC · 01/12/2021 16:43

"Sorry, kids, our money had been stolen so all pocket money is cancelled indefinitely and we can't afford treats .

Meanwhile please write a list of all your friends who have been in the house in the last two months. They might be the thief. I shall ask them".
^
I think I would say unfortunately no friends can come over again as one of them is a thief.

womanity · 01/12/2021 16:47

She won’t have taken it all at once, it’ll be a pound here and there, maybe 5, thinking no one will notice and it’s not really stealing.

I’d move the money without saying a word.

barbrahunter · 01/12/2021 17:11

I used to steal too when I was a child. I think I agree with @womanity - your daughter has probably convinced herself no one will notice. I think if I were you I'd move the money but not say anything.

This thread has made me feel really guilty about my own adolescent thieving !

whitehorsesdonotlie · 01/12/2021 17:32

@DartmoorChef

It's crazy to keep that amount of money hanging around the house.
Why? You should be able to test your family not to steal from you, and op said they put was hidden. Nothing wrong with it.
EcoCustard · 01/12/2021 17:38

From another perspective tread carefully, I was accused by my mum of stealing a large sum of money years ago that she had put aside as a gift for my brother. I denied it as I hadn’t done it, she kept accusing. I was very hurt that she would assume I was a thief. It had simply fallen down the back of the shelf to the back of the cupboard below. She never apologised and 25 years later it still irks.

percythewitch · 01/12/2021 17:52

it’s not really stealing.

In what way is it "not really stealing"
It's not her money and she hasn't asked if she can take it.

What would you call it @womanity

OP says she has a "roll of cash" which suggests notes. Not sure how someone could take "a pound here and there"

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 01/12/2021 17:55

Hey kids. Could you please write the name and phone number of anyone you have had in the house over the last few weeks please.
Someone has been stealing from the Christmas fund and I need to ask them about it.
Also no friends allowed over till we get to the truth .

IncompleteSenten · 01/12/2021 17:59

Take the money out of the container and replace with a note that says since you think it's ok to steal money I have moved the cash to a safer location. I am very disappointed in you.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 01/12/2021 18:08

@percythewitch I think @womanity means the DD doesn't see it as stealing as she's probably only taking very small amounts each time, a £1 a day for something at lunchtime soon adds up but at the time doesn't seem like a big deal, not that the act itself isn't stealing.

ANameChangeAgain · 01/12/2021 18:13

I think tackling it head in is the best bet, as others have said.
I believe alI children go through this as a phase, but I also believe its important to have money, or temptation if you like, lying around in the home, especially if the eldest is already working part time. They have to learn to resist and be trustworthy.

womanity · 01/12/2021 18:27

[quote HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime]**@percythewitch* I think @womanity* means the DD doesn't see it as stealing as she's probably only taking very small amounts each time, a £1 a day for something at lunchtime soon adds up but at the time doesn't seem like a big deal, not that the act itself isn't stealing.[/quote]
Yes, that’s what I meant.

BlankTimes · 01/12/2021 18:37

Would they notice a hidden camera ?
Not a nice thing to do, but it avoids doubt.

HeyupitsChristmas · 01/12/2021 18:49

Reading this has reminded me that as a teen I stole £20 from my parents. I knew they kept cash, so I took some. I had no reason to do it, and I don't know what I spent the money on, but every time they went near the "pot" I was so jumpy. They never said anything about it, but I assume they knew money was missing.

Never did it again though.

I would definitely have a conversation with them, and say something like... x amount is missing and that you don't know where it is, or when it was taken, but actions have consequences, it is disappointing because the money was for x and will be replaced from money that would have been spent on Christmas presents...

whitehorsesdonotlie · 02/12/2021 07:56

Bloody typos!

Why? You should be able to trust your family not to steal from you, and op said the pot was hidden. Nothing wrong with it.

SR13 · 07/04/2022 23:21

My 13 year old daughter told me one of her friends had given her a coat. I found out today that had taken my spare keys to my parent's house and safe and stole £900. £770 was used to buy a coat, some was for treats and to buy vapes for her and her friends. She removed the tags and dumped the receipt for the coat so I can't get the money back and am trying to sell it. She knows I would never ever be able to, nor would I ever, spend that sort of money on a coat. She knows we sometimes struggle for money and that my parents have helped me out in the past. My parents are currently in temporary care due to dementia. I have shouted at her, I've spoken calmly and she has apologised and cried. I am absolutely gobsmacked and feel sick work it. I need ideas for teaching her a lesson and to try and make sure she never steals anything again. There's the usual grounding and taking her phone away which she'll moan about, typical teen but any ideas on durations or other punishments that will hit her hard as this is a very serious matter. She loves doing chores by the way so that won't phase her. Thank you

SarahDippity · 07/04/2022 23:30

I’d count the money in the jar, wrap it in an elastic band, and put a piece of paper with the total on it, and the date. When you add money, write it on the slip.

I make my kids do this with their piggy banks as it helps them keep track and stops any petty pilferage. My DD once insisted that our cleaner must have taken 50 quid, and I was genuinely concerned and watchful for a bit. The 50 turned up in a purse next time we were packing for holidays. I wouldn’t go all InSpector Poirot, but I’d tighten up the procedure a bit. Personally, I wouldn’t go too intense, but would announce to all that it’s a good idea to know how much you have safe at all times.

SarahDippity · 07/04/2022 23:32

@SR13

My 13 year old daughter told me one of her friends had given her a coat. I found out today that had taken my spare keys to my parent's house and safe and stole £900. £770 was used to buy a coat, some was for treats and to buy vapes for her and her friends. She removed the tags and dumped the receipt for the coat so I can't get the money back and am trying to sell it. She knows I would never ever be able to, nor would I ever, spend that sort of money on a coat. She knows we sometimes struggle for money and that my parents have helped me out in the past. My parents are currently in temporary care due to dementia. I have shouted at her, I've spoken calmly and she has apologised and cried. I am absolutely gobsmacked and feel sick work it. I need ideas for teaching her a lesson and to try and make sure she never steals anything again. There's the usual grounding and taking her phone away which she'll moan about, typical teen but any ideas on durations or other punishments that will hit her hard as this is a very serious matter. She loves doing chores by the way so that won't phase her. Thank you
That’s a big deal. Very upsetting. No clue how I’d handle that. I’d be gutted. Poor grandparents. Awful betrayal of trust all round.
HollowTalk · 07/04/2022 23:39

That is really shocking about your daughter stealing so much money from her grandparents. Why on earth would she want to spend such a lot of money on account? The steps involved that are very worrying. What do you think you're going to do about it?

Deathraystare · 08/04/2022 16:10

@SR13

and to buy vapes for her and her friends.

And she is 13!!!!! So not only did she steal, she has a smoking habit too!!!

MK19590 · 08/04/2022 16:23

@SR13 perhaps ask MNHQ to make you a separate thread for your issue because you will get posters replying to the OP without realising the date on it.

Sounds a horrific situation for you all though and how is she buying vapes at 13?

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 08/04/2022 16:34

I had a friend that would take bits of money from her parents when they wanted something. She always said it was because she never had her own money, as they didn’t believe in pocket money. I think there is something to be said for having a bit of your own money and being able to save/budget/spend for yourself. Not condoning this behaviour at all, but it can stem from having money witheld sometimes.

Catkitkat · 08/04/2022 17:28

Happened to us. Here is how we got a full confession:

We confronted her in a calm way and promised her an amnesty so to speak. We promised no yelling, and no consequences beyond earning the money back through housework. We did this because we were desperate to find out the truth. We followed up with discussions about what had happened, about how to restore our trust in DC and so forth.

We also said that we would remove all temptation for the time being by restricting access to cash in the house.

It worked in the sense that we found out the truth. It remains to be seen whether it happens again. I certainly hope not.

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