Terrible day. Have hit a wall. Don’t want to go on living.

[Monkeybumbum7]

Have had the day from hell. Icing on the cake this evening, got some really bad news that made me really angry and frustrated and upset.

For the first time in years I relapsed and self harmed.

I feel so much despair and upset I don’t know where to get to.

I’m exhausted by life constantly being so hard. I’m not an ideal mother. I make mistakes. I constantly get the wind knocked out of me.

I can’t take any more.

You relapsed- that’s okay. Sometimes it’s better to let a pressure valve release and it sounds like you’ve had an awful day on top of being exhausted.

But then you’ve come on here and reached out and that takes immense strength when you feel like giving up.

Can you talk a little more about the bad news? Maybe get rid of some of the upset and anger for a bit by putting here?

You may not be an ideal mother. But you are the mother your children love, and need.

Hi OP, do you have anyone to reach out to IRL? Please talk to somebody directly, message me privately if need be? Or phone Samaritans 116 123.

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way it is so incredibly tough. None of us are ideal mothers and I’m sure you are doing just fine but please reach out. I have mental health issues and know how isolating it can be but whatever it is you can get through this

If making mistakes is what stops someone from being ab ideal mother then I can honestly say that I have never met one.
Take one day at a time. You've released the pressure valve and now go back to remembering why you are worth not having pain. Because you are x

Totally agree with @Leaningtoweroflisa use this as a space to vent? Don’t be hard on yourself about the relapse, you’ve recognised this and reached out which takes a lot of courage

You can keep going. Keep going and hopefully soon you’ll want to keep going. Life is precious, your life is precious. You’re doing better than you think, I imagine many people would describe their parenting as not ideal.
Try not to judge yourself by how you handle the horrible news you’re dealing with. For the most part people lurch through those times from one moment to the next. Be kind to yourself.
Sending strength and love x

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad tonight.

Who really is an ideal mum? I know I'm certainly not and my mum also wasn't . Who doesn't make mistakes? The fact that you have the self awareness to recognise these things makes you a good mum actually.

That is not dismissing how you feel. When you say that you have released into self harm tells me you were able to overcome this before. Did you get help? Can you reach out for that support again? GP? Mh worker?

It's OK to feel sad and frustrated about getting bad news, it probably isn't OK to turn those emotions on yourself. You have done good by reaching out on here, talk to us and get through tonight. Even if it's a distraction until you can get some sleep.

Tomorrow is another day, it might not be a great day but it will be another day with your dc and that really is something.

I have PTSD from childhood abuse and from my grandparents both dying within a few months and not bei able to see them much at that time because of my nasty family. I have nightmares all the time.

I’m struggling to enjoy anything and look forward to stuff. I feel empty and shop and eat shit to fill the void.

Today was dreadful for a ton of reasons but the last thing was my mother in law (who is a battleaxe) talking to my child and manipulating her way into spending Christmas here. It was the last straw.

Ideal mother, no one is.

Your kids love and need you.

It will get better. Xxx

Have you found support from anywhere previously that you could access again? GP? Local mental health services?

**Today was dreadful for a ton of reasons but the last thing was my mother in law (who is a battleaxe) talking to my child and manipulating her way into spending Christmas here. It was the last straw.
Just ensure she can't. You could fake a positive lateral flow with a opportune cough....

Sorry you had a shitty day.

No one is an ideal mother! I bet you are more than good enough.

A lapse is not a relapse. Vent here or call Samaritans.

MIL - put it aside for now, go to bed and think c it in the morning.

Yes, OP, you are totally getting a positive covid test on Dec 23.

Hey MonkeyBumBum, literally only just seen this and wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and praying for a lift of your emotions, a little dork of brightness to remind you that things aren't that hopeless, that your family love you and need you. Our DCs don't expect us to be 'perfect' - what even is that? - they just love us because we're their mum or dad.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough day, on top of all the usual tough parts of being a parent, the usual tough parts of general life (especially since this pandemic started) and everything that goes with it. But it's a new day every day, tomorrow will still have its challenges but we're getting a fresh go at it. It'll probably be better than today.

It's really brave to admit you are struggling and aren't happy - it takes a lot of courage to tell strangers on the internet such a deep and dark, private thought.

I really hope that you have some real life support who can give you a hug and remind you that it will all be ok. If you have that support PLEASE reach out to them and tell them what you've told us. You are precious and they will help you.

You're not a crap parent. I think we all think we're messing up at many points in our parenting journey, and we think that way just because we want to get it right, so we are being good parents just by caring that we're getting it right, if that makes sense.

Be kind and gentle to yourself - if you've been overwhelmed and maybe shouted, forgive yourself, or if you've been angry, forgive yourself. If you've relapsed in self-harming, be kind and forgive yourself.

Remember that you are doing your best, you've not given up and left the DC(s) to go feral and fend for themselves. You have many lovely qualities that your friends and family adore. Doing your best is good enough.man's will vary on a daily basis.

Please remember all of this - you make the world a better place for your DC(s) even on your worst days. They love you and need you so much and their life is all the richer for having you in it. DC(s) aren't always the best at showing their love and appreciation though!

Sending love from a stranger to you - I sincerely hope that you start to feel better very soon, and are able to take steps to improve how you're feeling (GP, counselling, some rest, some time away just for you, even if it's just a walk or something, whatever is needed). Wishing you all the very best xx

Evening, OP.

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. We wanted to share Mind's information with you - it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Just checking are you safe and okay?
As Northern suggested if you need to talk to a real person Samaritans are a good shout,. If you need help can you get hold of a Crisis Team or get to A&E if you need care?

I think you are not alone in feeling so exhausted- I share that horrible feeling of drowning and never getting a chance to recover or recharge and I don’t have PTSD to contend with. And feeling like a shit mum and wife and friend- the full bingo card pretty much.

It would be nice if you could pick up an antidote to feeling like that at the supermarket like a multivitamin! But unfortunately I think we are all prone to buying into how happy or successful others look on the outside.

Are you getting any support for your PTSD or low mood currently or have you in the past? Is there anything yo know that helps you when things are bad eg a podcast, mindfulness, audiobook or meds?

I second suggestion above. If you can't just uninvite mil, invent a positive covid test.

Really sorry you're feeling so crap. Relapses happen and you've got a lot to deal with. Don't be hard on yourself.

Big hugs from here OP x

None of us are ideal mums but the whole gets to decide who is? I’m sure your children are fed, warm, clothed and know they are loved. That’s an ideal Mum.
So you had a relapse but it was just that, a relapse, it’s a new day today so you start over again.
As for battleaxes, the trick is to dull the edge of the weapon, you don’t want her for Christmas, then you either tell her no or you tell her you’re positive.
I know this is easier for me to write than it is for you to do, but look at the mumsnet tees supporting you.
Good luck! 💐

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I cried myself to sleep in the end after giving Dh’s hand a squeeze. I’m not going to tell anyone IRL I self harmed, I’ll try and keep it covered at home ( cuts on my ankle). If I tell the dr I think they’ll see me as a danger to my child, which I’m not.

I’m starting PTSD therapy in Jan after a horribly long wait. I’ve been waiting for 9 months!

I’ve got a busy day ahead of my unfortunately but I’m going to try and build in little moments of self care. I’ll try and do some yoga if I can or a little bit of embroidery.

I still feel bleak though. Life just continually knocks the stuffing out of me.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver
Wild Geese

@Leaningtoweroflisa that is my favourite poem in the whole world! Such a coincidence that you posted that. It gave me a good reminder this morning to take care of myself. So thank you.

This poem always offers me comfort when I feel beak and despairing and not permitted to be angry when actually I’m as entitled to for example tell MILs to get stuffed as anyone else…

Embroidery and yoga sound like some nice things to do today, I always know I am not in a good state when my hobbies all sip by the wayside due to exhaustion and not caring at all about them. Stabbing the needle into the fabric is much better than self harm but then it becomes much more soothing, with the gliding rhythm of pulling the thread through.

Haha I am really not in the mood to work today clearly… avoiding my major source of stress while the caffeine and paracetamol kicks in!

This thread is Mumsnet at its absolute best.

OP, you are good enough. You are strong enough. Therapy for your PTSD is just around the corner. Hang in there.

That poem is just lovely.

Hold on Op, you're going to be ok