My husband has left me, how do I cope

[Thekormachameleon]

My husband left last week. Things have been bad for a while and there's a lot of water under the bridge

He says he doesn't love me anymore, that I've chipped away at his love for me by being toxic - my 'toxic' behaviour is constantly feeling hurt and ignored as he spends all of his time talking to his friends

Last year he started going clubbing again at the age of 43, he's been out taking drugs and his entire friendship circle revolves around this. I'm toxic because I was unhappy with this behaviour

I asked him to talk, I asked him to come for counselling, he's unable to have a calm, honest discussion

Then last Saturday, out of the blue he signs divorce papers and moves out.
I haven't eaten or slept all week, he's off out clubbing at the weekend

I just don't know how to carry on without him. I don't see any future for me without him. Despite our problems, I loved him with all my heart.
I am terrified for my future, practically I am unwell, disabled and have no idea how I will ever be able to afford to live alone.
Emotionally, I can't see my future without him. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up

I'm really sorry. Just commenting to bump so wiser people can comfort and advise

Thank you

Op, I'm so sorry you are feeling down. The first thing that needs to be said is that you are not toxic. It is not unreasonable to want to spend time with and chat to your dh.

At some point I hope your anger kicks in, anger at being treated so poorly. It is that anger and a desire to reclaim your life without such a selfish git that will see you through. xx

Do you have children? Do you have an income and is your housing situation secure?

Don't focus on what he is doing, it's not constructive. Focus on what you (and your children) need to get through the short and longer term.

Oh @Thekormachameleon, you must be utterly exhausted. You say you raised counselling with your husband - do you have a therapist? If it helps, my suggestions would be:

1. eat anything you’re able to keep down
2. nap/rest with an audiobook or tv
3. contact a solicitor
4. repeat 1 & 2
5. list out income, assets, expenses
6. repeat 1 & 2

It will be manageable, it will just be shit for a bit. Do you need any immediate support regarding your disability? I’m sure the MN hive mind can point you in the right direction if so.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You aren't toxic. Your husband has simply been gaslighting you to justify his terrible behaviour.

At some point you will start to feel angry at the way he has treated you. Do you really still want to be with a drug taking nightclubber?

Don't get me wrong, I have said terrible things to him over the years.

But now he has surrounded himself with new people and is 'living his dream' he has just discarded me

I honestly don't know what to do without him

I just asked him whether he's planning on spending new year with us and ofc he's made plans to go clubbing

I've begged for another chance to out things right but he says he's already given me too many chances in his head - yet none of those chances involved any kind of discussion or commitment to fixing things. He has just withdrawn over the past year, ignored me which then in turn has made me lash out and he's using that lashing out as his reason to not be in love with me

20 years together and he can just walk out and never come back
How do I carry on from this? The only thing keeping me alive right now is my son but he'll be leaving for uni soon and then I'll be completely alone

And I am angry because he has used family money to purchase a club brand and he's now going to use that to live a new life without his family
While I'm left with nothing. I'm gonna lose my home, my husband, I literally have nothing left

You will get through this @Thekormachameleon. Somehow, in times like this, we find an inner strength that we didn't know we had.

You're in shock at present but this will lessen. It's important in the meantime to look after yourself, as best you can. @Slothkin gives you some excellent advice.

Do you have some support in real life? If so, turn to your trusted friends and family.

Please do not think about what he's said to you. Reading your words, I can assure you 100% that you are not toxic. He comes across as an utter knob to be honest. Clubbing, taking drugs and then calling your DW toxic isn't the behaviour of a decent human being.

You say you don't know what to do without him. The truth is, you'll be better off because he's been treating you like shit. This hasn't helped your self-esteem, or your ability to cope independently.

Make an appointment to see your GP. Ask for help with your activities of daily living. As you're disabled, you could probably get help with an Adult Social Care, Social Worker. You might also be able to access a helpline for your particular disability.

You’re not toxic, he’s blaming you to take away any responsibility for his behaviour.

Wise words from @Immaculatemisconception

How have you lashed out?

Stop begging for another chance.

I have been awful to him at times
I've said terrible things which he has now decided he can never forgive me for

Yet I've forgiven him time and time again for the things he's done.

He spent 10k last year buying a club night and we argued about it when he first mentioned it. Then it was never discussed.
I found out the deal was done on Facebook when he announced it to the world. Then when I kicked off over that I was the one that was unreasonable. Not only did I find out second hand, he also spent 'deal day' with his friends and messaged them saying he couldn't have spent the best day of his life with better people

He's just been so unfair and now won't give me the chance to sort things. He's gone, he doesn't love me anymore
I don't know how to carry on without him

His own son has pointed out how much he's changed and how bad his behaviour has been towards me

I have repeatedly accused him over having an affair, mainly because he is constantly on his phone, a new found friendship with a woman has gone from meeting each other for the first time to speaking every day, every single event they are pictured together hugging - yet I'm unreasonable for not believing him when he tells me there's nothing going on. Apparently I should just accept his word, despite him ignoring me and being emotionally unavailable

I don't know how to live without him. I know that's pathetic.

How does someone just decide they don't love you anymore after 20 years? They leave and they're never coming home

Two weeks ago he was all over me, pestering for sex and professing my love and then a fortnight later he says there's nothing left, he doesn't love me anymore

I’m divorcing at the moment - my husband also left suddenly after a tough patch and refusing counselling, but we’ve kept things pretty amicable - honestly the best advice I could give from my experience is to hand over all contact regarding finances to a solicitor ASAP. It’s a huge weight off your mind and allows finances to be dealt with dispassionately when your emotions will be all over the shop. We will both be okay, this is just a really rough bit of the river to swim!

I’m sorry op, they don’t suddenly decide, it’s something they have been thinking about for a long time, it just seems sudden to you, becayse they hid it.

He maybe having an affair, he may not, it’s not relevant, you need to think practically now. Look at benefits, housing, what joint assets the marriage has, pensions, everything and start to get yourself in order.

Of course you can live without him, and likely much happier, you just need to do some work now to get organised and do so.

Focus on the practicalities, it will make you feel more positive.

I just don't see a future
A life in rented housing, alone, no security and without the only man I've ever loved
What's the point?

Exactly the same happened to me in March this year. I'm disabled I was pregnant and I thought I wouldn't survive it but I did and I'm here. It's going to be hard but please don't blame yourself the gaslighting arsehole has planned to leave and make out its all your fault to stop himself feeling guilty for behaving like a teenager. Please message me if you need to chat.

You can’t connect with people who are taking drugs - unless you’re on them too. (Then you have that in common.)
He’s cheating.
Your marriage is dead in the water. He’s abusing you and your son - emotionally and financially.
See a solicitor.

Sorry this happened to you @rainbowdashsneeze - how do you even begin to deal with the pain and hurt. ?

I'm having constant panic attacks at the thought of life without him. Every time I remember him say he doesn't love me feels like I'm being punched in the guts over and over

You need to take every day very gently right now. Try and be kind to you, keep support around you and rest. Eat plenty of healthy food so you don't get run down.

Please try to pull back from asking for second chances. He has changed and it's not a change that you want so stop being an option

I promise you this will get better and you will be happy. It's just so tough right now x

You are worth more than his 'love'. He is not worthy of your love - there is a world beyond him and love much better than him out there. Concentrate on your love for DS and this next stage of his life and build back your love for yourself.

Op, does your disability prevent you working? A rented house is still a home. And you’re not alone, you have a child, if you can or do work, do so, it gives purpose as well as financial independence. If not can you do other things, how unwell are you? What are the marital assets, how much equity is in the house, savings, pensions? Have you looked at benefits you’re entitled to?

Yes your life will change,but from what you say you were both unhappy, that’s no way to live, you will be happier out of that environment.

If you are married and the club night is an asset won't he have to give you half? Do you own a property? I know you are hurting but it's time to get tough to protect yourself.