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Original poster

My husband has left me, how do I cope

49 replies

Thekormachameleon · 29/11/2021 14:58

My husband left last week. Things have been bad for a while and there's a lot of water under the bridge

He says he doesn't love me anymore, that I've chipped away at his love for me by being toxic - my 'toxic' behaviour is constantly feeling hurt and ignored as he spends all of his time talking to his friends

Last year he started going clubbing again at the age of 43, he's been out taking drugs and his entire friendship circle revolves around this. I'm toxic because I was unhappy with this behaviour

I asked him to talk, I asked him to come for counselling, he's unable to have a calm, honest discussion

Then last Saturday, out of the blue he signs divorce papers and moves out.
I haven't eaten or slept all week, he's off out clubbing at the weekend

I just don't know how to carry on without him. I don't see any future for me without him. Despite our problems, I loved him with all my heart.
I am terrified for my future, practically I am unwell, disabled and have no idea how I will ever be able to afford to live alone.
Emotionally, I can't see my future without him. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2021 18:54

@Wizzbangfizz

If you are married and the club night is an asset won't he have to give you half? Do you own a property? I know you are hurting but it's time to get tough to protect yourself.

Exactly or he has to recompense her to half th value.

That’s why the op needs to start thinking practically,

Justilou1 · 29/11/2021 18:54

He says he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

YuleHaveAWonderfulChristmas · 29/11/2021 19:07

Happened to me albeit after 15 years and not 20.

I recovered fairly quickly from the shock and then got practical. You can either wallow or pick yourself off the ground/realise that you are better off with out them.

Choose the latter OP. You can do this and you will be okay.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

SelfHelpPlease · 29/11/2021 19:15

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Best thing you could do now is just focus on you and your son. Don't message him or give him any time of day. Show him you don't need him, because you don't. It sounds like he is going through a midlife crisis, reverting back to his teen years! He's not worthy of your love. You will be okay, in time.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 29/11/2021 19:31

I went through this 8 years ago....its been hard....but its ok...i have my own home and a man that loves me...you will get through this.

BrutusMcDogface · 29/11/2021 19:38

Come on now, OP. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re worth more than that. Allow yourself to grieve but then you have to pick yourself up and start again.

You are worth more than that.

Original poster

Thekormachameleon · 29/11/2021 21:29

I know you are all right, dust myself off etc

But I honestly don't know how to live without him. My whole future has been taken away. All the plans.

I'm just heartbroken and can't see an end to this pain

OP posts:

bluejelly · 29/11/2021 21:34

I would recommend counselling to help you process it. Do you have any friends who have been through a break up/divorce?
You will definitely need to talk it through with someone in real life. It's a horrible shock but you will get through this

Yummypumpkin · 29/11/2021 21:39

This is how you are feeling right now. You need to feel this way...fully.

I can't believe someone said stop feeling sorry for yourself! I feel sorry for you and I hope you do feel sorry for yourself. Its a stage. Its part of healing.

It is hard, hard, hard...but it won't last.

GingerFreaker · 29/11/2021 21:53

Been there, done it.

I get that you are grieving the future you thought you would have, but, tbh, you just have to snap out of it for now.

Get practical. Look after yourself now.

Do you have a sole bank account? Do you work? Do you have joint bank accounts? If so, freeze them before he maxes the overdraft and leaves you liable for half. Same with credit cards.

Are you renting? Has he moved out? What benefits are you eligible for?

Seriously. Forget him. He's moved on. Look after yourself now, before he makes your situation worse. And for goodness sake, don't beg him for anything!

Sort out your finances ASAP, chat to a solicitor, then you can cry. Let your anger work for you in the short term. In a while, you'll be glad you did. X

Original poster

Thekormachameleon · 29/11/2021 22:02

I have my own bank account, no joint accounts and I work part time
He's agreed to continue paying the mortgage until next October when my son leaves for uni

After that I don't know what I'll do. I can't pay rent on my wages and I'm not well enough to work any more

OP posts:

madroid · 29/11/2021 22:07

It's really shit @Thekormachameleon It's a terrible shock and a terrible way to be treated by what you thought was your life partner. As @Yummypumpkin says - allow yourself your grief and sadness.

But get a check on the fear. I know it's hard to believe, but you WILL BE OKAY. Really you will. It takes time to adjust to.

Don't beg him any more. It's not good for your self respect and yet will not work. Hold your head up and keep your dignity.

At the moment all you are seeing is the loss of the man you thought he was. The truth is that man has gone. Instead you have a middle aged, drug taking, clubbing spendthrift who is emotionally abusing you.

You will start to see him for what he is and then feel hugely angry and then in time you will dismiss him, as he deserves to be - dismissed from your life.

And when you look into the future and all you can see is bleak and sad, try to remember life isn't like that! There will be lots of good times, your ds, any other family and friends, unexpected highs and happenings.

If you are married you are entitled to half of everything so it won't be as bleak financially either as you are imagining.

Keep going OP. Keep posting, many of us have been through this - and come out the other side feeling relieved and valuing our freedom not to be tied to a waste of space dragging us down.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2021 22:12

Ok so start to get it sorted

Check entitled to, to see what benefits you’re entitled to. Also check disability support
Start to calculate what assets are in the marriage, how much equity is in the house, pensions, savings etc,

You will only start to feel better once you start to take control

FolkyFoxFace · 29/11/2021 22:15

Time to get angry, OP. You've had some excellent advice here end while I can't say I've been in the same scenario, I've endured a similar experience. Find your anger. You can cry too, but get angry. Anger will push you through, it will make you strong. Fuck him. Five years from now you'll look back on this and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. I promise.

LuneyTunes · 29/11/2021 22:18

So sorry. To be honest, he sounds a bit pathetic going clubbing all the time as a grown man. He will wake up when it's too late, look around and see he lives in a house of sand. But you have time to rebuild and to make your one life.worth loving. Quick and easy? No, but be your own cheerleader and you'll bloody do it

peaceanddove · 29/11/2021 23:09

The pain fades. It always does. The human mind isn't wired to sustain extreme emotion for very long. You wouldn't expect to feel extremely happy permanently, so why would you expect to feel so miserable permanently? This will pass.

Your DH's love really isn't worth anything. So please don't feel like you have lost something special because you haven't. You've actually gained the chance of a much better, happier future.

Slothkin · 29/11/2021 23:56

@Bluntness100 although I agree with your general idea maybe dial it back a bit?

@Thekormachameleon sounds like finances won’t be changing in the next few days so just take a moment to eat and sleep. It will help enormously, I promise.

QuestionNumberOne · 29/11/2021 23:59

Just, hugs. The pain WILL ebb away and spring back and reduce down and circle back and finally fuck off.

He sounds absolutely fucking awful so really it’s a boon he has gone but I know it won’t feel like that for some time.

You can do this

Anordinarymum · 30/11/2021 00:41

OP. How horrible. What an idiot he is clubbing at 43 and the rest.....

You need to get practical. It's no use wishing him back because he is lost and he is not thinking of you at all except perhaps that you are a brick around his stupid neck.

Start thinking of the future and make plans. You say you are not well enough to work, can I ask why? This would be a good thing for you and will help you to find your self esteem and empower you.

The guy needs his brains testing.

tenredthings · 30/11/2021 01:52

He spent €10000 on a nightclub ? Was this for a private hire one off event ? Seems too much money.
I suspect the moneys gone on coke and other drugs which would also explain the obsession with partying.
You need to see a solicitor and start collecting proof of your husbands earnings , savings etc.

lborgia · 30/11/2021 02:15

If you have the capacity, please get on a waiting list for some psychological help. Whenever it becomes available, it will help you process, but also change your mindset; because at the moment you are horrified at the idea of living without someone who is extremely abusive, in so many ways.

You need help to get to a point where you realise that he is pretty worthless, and you have not been the problem in the way you seem to think you have. From your telling, the ways you've lashed out has always been reactive, and that he has been emotionally abusive.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/11/2021 02:31

Oh what a pathetic little cliche of a mid life crisis he is. Couldnt be more laughable if he tried.

Oh sweetie, I know the pain you are going through but one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Each ohour you get through is another hour closer to your freedom.

I promise, PROMISE, that one day soon you will look at this utter joke of a middle aged man trying to recapture his youth with a bunch of people who probably laugh behind his back while drinking the booze he buys them, and feel nothing but relief for yourself and your son. As for him, he will want to crawl back, they always do. But you know the best bit? By the time he does, probably when the friends have drifted off to do the growing up he doesnt want to do, you will be utterly over him. You will laugh, say "Do I look look hard up mate?!" and shut the door in his face. I PROMISE.

You will get there

rainbowdashsneeze · 30/11/2021 07:34

@Thekormachameleon

Sorry this happened to you *@rainbowdashsneeze* - how do you even begin to deal with the pain and hurt. ?

I'm having constant panic attacks at the thought of life without him. Every time I remember him say he doesn't love me feels like I'm being punched in the guts over and over

I really don't know how I got through the first few months. We did get back together briefly and it was here the blinkers came off. I realised who he was. I was able to identify the years of gaslighting abuse is been through and slowly took him off his pedestal. I really thought I was going mental and blamed myself, where as now I know I am worth so much more. He has tried to manipulate me into accepting a relationship with him where he has no responsibility to behave in an appropriate or respectful way! Fuck that! Last week for the first time I was sat alone and I realised I'd been happy all day and it was because i hadn't spoken to him. It will happen it will get better and you will survive and your future will be brighter without him. Nothing I say now will make you believe that or make you feel like you have any kind of future without him but I promise you time will heal.

CurryandSnuggle · 30/11/2021 08:41

You are not the problem, he is. You will get through this and be better off for it. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to spend time with you not acting like they’re 18 on their 40s. Sounds like an early midlife crisis and eventually he’ll be lonely and realise what a fool he has been, while you’ll be happy either enjoying your own company or with someone more worthy. He’ll regret it then and it’ll be too late. Sometimes love for someone is not enough if they don’t appreciate you xx

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