What are the rules of eye contact?!

[Ca55andraMortmain]

I feel like this is a really stupid question that I should know the answer to as a fully functioning adult, but I really don't. I'm aware that I don't make good eye contact when I'm talking to people. I just find it a bit uncomfortable to look directly into someone else's eyes for any length of time. I try hard to remember to make eye contact when I'm talking to people (though I sometimes forget/don't really think about it). I find that when I raise my eyes to look at someone, they're often already looking at me. How long are you supposed to maintain eye contact for? And if you aren't staring into each others eyes, where are you meant to look? I feel like an idiot for not knowing these things and I can't ask anyone irl, so what do you normally do with your eyes when you're talking to people?! (Fwiw, I'm neurotypical, but quite shy and awkward).

If you're having a conversation with one person it's polite to maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.

If you're chatting while you work, for example, it's perfectly acceptable to switch between eye contact and looking at what you're actually doing.

Really? You're both supposed to look into each others eyes the whole time you're talking? I think I'll need to work harder at this then. I hope people don't think I'm rude when they're chatting to me.

My tips:

Give a little smile.

Try not to raise your eyebrows whilst you make eye contact as this can make it look as if you're staring in disbelief.

But best not overthink it.

Thank you, I love that I can ask here without everyone judging me for not knowing!

I find it unnerving if someone is staring into my eyes the whole time we're talking, and forcing me to maintain eye contact. I find it really intrusive and an uncomfortable experience, like they are invading my personal space. If I feel I have to, then I stare at the bridge of their nose between their eyes instead.

There have also been occasions in the past when I've been talking to some bloke or other, and me using eye contact with them has somehow given them the idea that I'm flirting with them. For quite a long time now, I have actively avoided prolonged eye contact with men for that reason.

Do what you personally feel comfortable with, OP and don't feel that you have to look people in the eyes if you find it disconcerting.

I feel like when talking to someone facing each other it's more natural/comfortable to look away occasionally than to stare into their eyes the entire time

@girlmom21

If you're having a conversation with one person it's polite to maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.

If you're chatting while you work, for example, it's perfectly acceptable to switch between eye contact and looking at what you're actually doing.

Some people struggle with maintaining eye contact like that and find it imtimidating when people do it to them, so I'd say that no, you don't have to maintain eye contact throughout a whole conversation.

I just find it a bit uncomfortable to look directly into someone else's eyes for any length of time

Then don't do it. I mean that kindly, despite how it may sound. The biggest 'rule' is that there are no rules. If eye contact makes you uncomfortable then you don't have to give it. Lots of people don't.

I think (according to body language experts too ) that normal eye contact does not mean staring into someone’s eyes throughout a conversation, when we access memory our eyes look off to the side , so if we are the one speaking then you wouldn’t hold eye contact but if you are listening then you do.

I used to find this awkward too! Now I quite like staring into people's eyes . Hopefully I don't do it in a creepy way.

I worked with a woman that was an intent starer
It was like she was looking into your soul when ever she spoke.. beady little eyes burning into the back of your skull..
I couldn't talk to her.

I know exactly what you mean, OP... I used to feel the same. Eye contact, and the amount of it, used to be a source of constant anxiety for me. I don't know why but I'm more chilled about it now (probably goes hand in hand with a general lessening of anxiety); I tend to make a bit of eye contact but then look elsewhere during conversations too. It feels natural now (again, this obviously goes hand in hand with my reduced anxiety generally, and also specifically about the whole eye contact thing) but I remember being absolutely crippled by the fear that I was somehow getting it wrong. I remember literally staring at people in their eyes because I was worried that bit doing that would seem rude. So, I feel your pain, although I realise this probably isn't massively helpful .

Not quite the same but I have an eye condition which is really obvious when I hold eye contact or focus on looking someone in the eye.
And when I notice them noticing my eye condition it gets worse and my anxiety goes up.

Trick I've learnt is to focus on the "eyebrow triangle"
So not directly at their eyes but forehead, Bridge of nose, ears, quick look directly in their eyes then off focus again.
It gives the impression at you're maintaining direct eye contact without that staring feeling

I'm with you OP. Often I find myself worrying about eye contact so much that I miss what is actually being said.

Have a nose on YouTube, there's a lot of videos about it.
One by The Social Anxiety Coach seems quite in depth and interesting. Others by men teaching you how to be an alpha.. not so good.. 🤣

Somebody once told me to look at people's eyebrows and not into their eyes. It works, try it!

I actively avoid making eye contact with people because they sometimes freak out when I do. God only knows what I look like. I've had people literally exclaim or gasp when I've done it. Most unnerving, but clearly I am for them too. So I go for the eyebrow/nose triangle and that seems to serve the purpose without scaring anyone.

someone on here wrote, 5 seconds one eye, 5 seconds other eye, 5 seconds chin...

It’s not normal to stare at someone’s eyes throughout the conversation. It’s normal to “check in” for emotional connection, so to share a gaze when you or they smile or laugh for example.

I have EXACTLY this problem. Right down to the shy and awkward bit! No way I could maintain the full on stare Will be following with interest.

3 seconds, then you look away at something else. Then look back for another 3 seconds etc

You do NOT stare at someone all the time, that's most odd.

Also, it depends on context. If you're doing something else I. E. Cooking dinner, a DH is stood chatting to me, so eye contact will be less as I'm focusing on the spuds or whatever I'm stirring / chopping.

@BlackeyedSusan

someone on here wrote, 5 seconds one eye, 5 seconds other eye, 5 seconds chin...

If I saw someone looking at my chin I would be paranoid I had a chin hair!

It's really hard sometimes! I went through a period of time where I needed counselling and it only clicked then I had stopped making eye contact. With anyone. And I didn't know how to start it again or why it had happened
On my last day of counselling she was smiling at me and I was "what?!" And she said "you're making eye contact"
It took me 9 months of counselling and staring at my hands/fiddling with bracelets/rings etc as I couldn't look her in the eye. And now it seems pretty normal to make eye contact

I tend to look at people's mouth, because I'm hard of hearing, so I'm lip reading subconsciously. Other people wearing masks is a bugger for me. Though I appreciate their doing so.

I've never really thought about how/if they notice/or if it makes them uncomfortable. I'll check tomorrow. Though I suppose my nearest and dearest are just used to it.