Found out by accident that a relative was sexually abused. WWYD?

[Damnyoureyes]

Struggling with MH recently.
Now on a good path.
Seeing a councillor.
Came home after a session with a bit of paper.
Had been doing an exercise with wording like “things people don’t know about you?”
Wrote “trauma & sexual abuse”.
Aged 23.
Found the paper when tidying up.

Thing is there was so little opportunity for sexual abuse when they were a child.
Both parent around all the time, me main babysitter, cared for them loads, very close loving family. Nothing like this in the family before.

Because it was found accidentally, how to approach this?.

You don't if they wanted you to know they would've told you, its their story to tell if you were to bring it up it would be an awful invasion of their privacy. I understood want to help but I they have to tell people in their own time when they're ready

Nothing. You do nothing.
I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Unless they deliberately left it out for you to find and read then it’s none of your business.

Do nothing especially as you seem to already be in the Mindset that it’s not true. How can you possibly decide there was little opportunity for it to have happened without knowing the full context?

You don’t know who abused them
You don’t know if there has been “anything like this” in your family before
You found something you were not meant to see.

You approach it by doing nothing at all.

Oh no.
It’s absolutely true.
If they are saying it happened then it happened. I have zero doubt that they would make anything up.
That does not come into it whatsoever.

My thinking is trying to make sense while shocked completely distraught that we could have had this little child with us, we thought, protected and safe.
But they were not.
That’s where my mind is.

You do nothing.

But you must realise it’s entirely possible that they were abused. Why do you not believe this?

Thing is there was so little opportunity for sexual abuse when they were a child. Both parent around all the time, me main babysitter, cared for them loads, very close loving family. Nothing like this in the family before.

Yes, all of that was what was said in my family too. Except there was opportunity. Also, how do you know there has been nothing like that in your family before, just because it didn't happen to you and no-one has told you it happened to them? Why would you assume that something you found by accident is a lie?!

See above.
Trying to go over every second of every day of their childhood, who were they with, where did they go, who the fuck would do this to a child if they were a child, could it have been something as an older child,
Totally she’ll shocked.

You honestly don’t do anything as hard as that is.
Opportunities may have been limited but of course they are there - at school, at friends houses, in early teenage relationships, at hobbies, by wider family members who were trusted people as hard as that is to accept including parents

But most of all, gutted that they have had this in their head alone all these years. Alone.
I’m here, always been there, love the absolute bones of them, close. They could have told me, they could have told me anything.
But I couldn’t help, or do anything to make this better for them.

If they are 23, why are you assuming it happened as a child? (Unless it said something like that). Could easily have been someone at school of course, there are many opportunities a predator will take.

Do you think they left it for you to find?

You need to understand that this isn’t about you.

No I don’t.
And I know why.
They are the kindest, sweetest most gentle soul you could meet. I know that they would not want to cause upset.
But there it was.

I know it’s not about me, I know.
As hours have passed since I found it though, I am of course still in utter shock and my brain is naturally thinking about them and how I could have done something, helped.
Just done something.

They didn’t say childhood sexual abuse. They could have been abused as an adult.

Thanks so much bough for taking the time to talk to me.
You are of course right. It is their thing to share if they want or need to.

There’s always opportunity for it to happen. School, clubs, school holidays, out with friends, out as older teen/ adult. By a stranger, by a relative, by family friend etc etc. You have information and you must decided what to with it.

i had sexual predators all over me as a teen, horrible memories of high school. basic date rape type shit. my family would never know.

Why assume telling you would help them, no matter how much they love you and you love them? Don't take this as a rejection. Leave then their privacy and be kind, available and supportive. People's comfort around sharing this sort of info varies a lot - that's not personal.

I wouldn't bother speculating - there are just too many possibilities. They're getting counselling and they are still the same person they always were. Sounds like you can do them lots of good whether or not you ever learn more about this.

I’m assuming that they are an adult now?

I would take some time to process OP. You sound shocked and upset.

You do nothing. You don't mention it to them, you don't tell anyone. You keep your nose out and your mouth shut. It isn't your business. If they wanted you to know, they would have told you. You shouldn't have read the paper. They have a right to privacy in their sessions and this extends to any written exercises.

My family don't know I was sexually abused as a child. They would say the same. No opportunity. There is always opportunity.

My therapist is the only who knows it all and he is the only one I will ever trust with it. If someone found out and told anyone else I would be beyond angry. I'd go absolutely nuclear and they would be out of my life along with anyone else they told, who felt they had the right to raise it with me.

You say you have no idea when it could have happened or by whom but you're still adamant it must have happened as a child. Perhaps you're not so unsure who did it op?

Could easily have happened at 18, 20, 21. I don't think you need to come to conclusions about her being abused as a child. Agree with others, you do nothing. She is getting appropriate help already. All you can do is be a lovely and trustworthy supportive family member to them.