Page 2 | Found out by accident that a relative was sexually abused. WWYD?

makelovenotpetrol · 27/11/2021 17:47

@Damnyoureyes

I know it’s not about me, I know. As hours have passed since I found it though, I am of course still in utter shock and my brain is naturally thinking about them and how I could have done something, helped. Just done something.

They've not reached out to you for help, so you couldn't have helped them.

It doesn't matter how lovely they are as a person or what you thought you knew about them, not everyone will want your help.

This isn't about you.

mummabubs · 27/11/2021 17:47

I can completely understand how this has been a really distressing piece of paper for you to find OP. Most people would be shell shocked, as you say. As someone who works in mental health, I'd echo what others have said. If this person wants you to know they will tell you, please don't go to them with it. However your feelings and reaction to reading what they wrote could well be something that's worth exploring with your counsellor in your next session.

YourHandInMyHand · 27/11/2021 17:48

My childhood abuser was well liked, my mum would say she never left us alone with abuser, had no clue etc. He once abused me in a room with other family members in it and they didn't notice!!

However, this abuse could have been as an adult?! College age, or even in the last year, you have zero idea how old they were when they experienced abuse or trauma. Zero.

Please do nothing overt with this information. They are discussing it in therapy and if they did want to talk to you about it they'd likely explore that topic during therapy. Let them go through the process they are being guided through, for the sake of their mental health. They may discuss with you in the future but it's not your trauma to raise.

Original poster

Damnyoureyes · 27/11/2021 17:48

Thanks again for your wisdom.
As I said previously, this has never happened in our family before.(that we are aware of) so no experience to draw from.

OP posts:

PennyWus · 27/11/2021 17:50

You can't blame yourself or say, "they could have come to me". They were a child, and abusers groom, manipulative, create feelings of shame and guilt. That is why so many abusers get away with it.

You need to deal with your own feelings of horror and guilt. Yes, it is a terrible shock. But that is probably why the person hasnt come to you, even now they are trying to deal with it by themselves. Because they know it would hurt you,and they love you and care about you.

The best thing you can do is just be ready yourself. And be there. As if the person is dealing with this in counselling now, that will be really hard for them. And one day they might come and tell you and you need to be ready. And you must not say, "why didnt you tell me, you could have told me, I would have helped and understood " because it will make them feel so much worse. And you need to understand they couldnt have come to you. The option was taken away by some manipulative evil person who made that child's world hell for a while and left them damaged permanently.

By the way, it is entirely possible for that child to have compartmentalised the abuse and still enjoyed aspects of their childhood. It doesnt necessarily have to have been the worst kind of abuse ever (all abuse is bad, but frankly some is horrific), and it doesnt necessarily have to have overshadowed every happy aspect of their childhood. So, in the long run you can help the person find that balance, and remember the happy, loving supportive relationships they had too.

JustLyra · 27/11/2021 17:50

Say nothing. If or when they want to tell you they will. Forcing that on them takes away the control that was already taken away from them when they were abused.

Thing is there was so little opportunity for sexual abuse when they were a child.
Both parent around all the time, me main babysitter, cared for them loads, very close loving family. Nothing like this in the family before.

There was ample opportunities - most abuse is inflicted by people known well to the victim.
Every family that has abuse in it says “this has never happened before” - not because it’s never happened before, just because it’s never been discussed before.

arcof · 27/11/2021 17:51

Going against the grain here but if you are very close and believe the person is in a position to possibly discuss, given their mental health issues which you noted, I would very gently approach it and say I found this and I'm here if you want to talk and I will believe you. And leave it at that. But you know the situation best.

Original poster

Damnyoureyes · 27/11/2021 17:52

Guilt. I feel crushingly guilty that as an adult in their life I didn’t notice anything, didn’t protect them.

They are just loved & adored with robust support and surrounded by care from every angle.
That’s what we do, continue with that as always I think.

OP posts:

makelovenotpetrol · 27/11/2021 17:52

@Damnyoureyes

Thanks again for your wisdom. As I said previously, this has never happened in our family before.(that we are aware of) so no experience to draw from.

Exactly. As you are aware of. But evidently it has happened.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/11/2021 17:53

@Damnyoureyes

Guilt. I feel crushingly guilty that as an adult in their life I didn’t notice anything, didn’t protect them.

They are just loved & adored with robust support and surrounded by care from every angle.
That’s what we do, continue with that as always I think.

But this could have happened last week from Dave in accounts or on a date a month ago, in high school with another student. You're tearing yourself up for not protecting this child and who in your family has done this but you don't know it happened in their childhood

IslaInthesun · 27/11/2021 17:53

Could have been recent. Why have you presumed it was during childhood?

What a shock for you anyway

Gliderx · 27/11/2021 18:11

Contrary to what other pp have said, I'd let them know that you found it accidentally and are there for them if they want to talk. But make it clear you have no expectations and then back right off.

It's clearly come as a shock to you and if you say nothing, you may subconsciously behave differently to them and they won't know why. Which might be confusing. I think they deserve to know that you know.

makelovenotpetrol · 27/11/2021 18:16

@Gliderx

Contrary to what other pp have said, I'd let them know that you found it accidentally and are there for them if they want to talk. But make it clear you have no expectations and then back right off.

It's clearly come as a shock to you and if you say nothing, you may subconsciously behave differently to them and they won't know why. Which might be confusing. I think they deserve to know that you know.

I've never heard such shockingly disrespectful advice. I hope to god you don't do this OP.

Tripledogdare · 27/11/2021 18:19

You put it from your mind and pretend you never read it.
It wasn't for you to read, so you should continue as if you hadn't.
I've never told anyone apart from medical professionals and therapists about mine, I'd be gutted if someone found out by accident.

Gliderx · 27/11/2021 18:22

@makelovenotpetrol. There's nothing disrespectful about what I said - I just have a different opinion to you .

If I were in the other person's position, I would want to know. I wouldn't want other people to have deeply personal knowledge about me that I was unaware that they had.

Ilovestars · 27/11/2021 18:33

@Damnyoureyes

Struggling with MH recently. Now on a good path. Seeing a councillor. Came home after a session with a bit of paper. Had been doing an exercise with wording like “things people don’t know about you?” Wrote “trauma & sexual abuse”. Aged 23. Found the paper when tidying up.

Thing is there was so little opportunity for sexual abuse when they were a child.
Both parent around all the time, me main babysitter, cared for them loads, very close loving family. Nothing like this in the family before.

Because it was found accidentally, how to approach this?.

But it doesn't say what age they were abused? Doesn't have to have been as a child.

It's private information, I don't think you should do anything.

ittakes2 · 27/11/2021 18:34

I was unfort abused by a stranger when I was a child on an outing with my father. My father was actually quite close to me but he had been deliberately distracted by my abuser and I was put in a position of vunerability. When you are a child it can be very confusing and I didn't even have the language to explain to my dad what had happened so I never told him. Although I told my mum 40 years later after therapy.
I seem to be going against the grain, but if you innocently found the paper in a public place in the house I would raise it. Its a tricky subject and its not easy to bring it up - but if my parents had of raised it decades ago I would have shared my pain. Its not something that comes up in conversation so its easier sometimes to try and pretend it didn't happen. Its not like you looked for the paper - its natural to ask someone about it if you found it in a public area.
If you found the paper in a private area ie you were cleaning their room...I am not sure I would bring it up.

makelovenotpetrol · 27/11/2021 18:38

[quote Gliderx]@makelovenotpetrol. There's nothing disrespectful about what I said - I just have a different opinion to you .

If I were in the other person's position, I would want to know. I wouldn't want other people to have deeply personal knowledge about me that I was unaware that they had.[/quote]
You have an opinion.
I have experience. Maybe you do too, I don't know, but it doesn't overly sound like you do.

Gliderx · 27/11/2021 18:44

@makelovenotpetrol. If I do, there's no obligation on me to mention it on here to you or anyone else.

The OP has asked how to approach this. I don't think it's fair to leave the other person in ignorance that the OP knows deeply personal information about her. Others think not mentioning it is the best way to respect the other person's privacy. The OP will decide what is best in the circumstances.

Sittingonabench · 27/11/2021 18:56

I’m sorry for you and your relative OP. As others have said - do not bring it up with the person unless they tell you of their own accord. It’s not that you know, it’s that you are removing control from them over something they absolutely need to have control over (who to talk to, when to talk about it) and it could cause damage depending on how much this has affected them. What you can do is be ready - be ready to be their advocate. If it happened as a child then It is likely that the abuser is someone they know very well - even someone who was supposed to be caring for them which may mean it is someone close to you. If it was as a teenager then it might not be someone you know. These things are hard to process and deal with which may be why they have kept silent.

2bazookas · 27/11/2021 19:39

Thing is there was so little opportunity for sexual abuse when they were a child.
Both parent around all the time, me main babysitter, cared for them loads, very close loving family. Nothing like this in the family before.

First you need to get better educated about child sex abuse. 

 Most sexual abuse of children  is by family or a close family friend or some one trusted with regular access to the child  (teachers,  carers,  people running  regular groups the child attends.). 

Most likely, you know their abuser,  may have known them a very long time, liked and trusted them. 

So IF you broach the subject, be prepared that you may  be in for a shock that's going to  change your life.

ChateauMargaux · 27/11/2021 19:45

If the person happens to talk about their counselling leave space for them to talk if they want to..

2bazookas · 27/11/2021 19:51

Nothing like this in the family before.
As I said previously, this has never happened in our family before.(that we are aware of)

But you don't know. Families are very good at NOT NOTICING, not realising, never suspecting what goes on. Abusers make sure of that.

Prepare yourself; many abusers have abused more than one person.  So if this  abuser  was within the family and its social circle, there may be  other victims you know ; and other people keeping secrets .

neonjumper · 27/11/2021 20:06

Where was the paper found, Was it in a communal area ie kitchen, living room ? Or were you in their space and saw it , ie their bedroom ?

Either way I think you should tell them you have seen it . It would be a betrayal to them to find out later that you had seen the paper .

Helpstopthepain · 27/11/2021 20:12

Nothing like this in the family before

No sexual abuse in my family either…. Until one female relative spoke up, then another and then another. He got away with all sorts with 4 (at least) of us because we didn’t discuss it.

Do nothing op. Put the note back and do nothing.