Oooo he is good treating you!

[Horriblewoman]

Complete irrational but minor peeve, bumped into a neighbour - man in his 60s - today when we we're leaving to go on a holiday to new york for the weekend. Told him where we were going and he looked at my husband and said to me 'what a lovely treat he's giving you'.

It's minor things like this that irrationally annoy me especially since we've got married - am I changing my name, are we having children, a man treating his woman. When in reality I earn significantly more than him, we have our house because of me and if I have children he'll probably go part time to look after them.

Am I just being an old grump? Will I be faced with these questions forever?

I didn’t realise how prevalent this is until I got married and then fell pregnant.
Constant questions along the lines of “Who will babysit if you go on your friends hen weekend?” Not a single person would ask the same of my husband going on a stag do.
“Didn’t DH buy you a lovely house” I WORK TOO BITCH.

I call it out every single time. Sadly it’s not just “older” generations.

This thread is freaking me out.

I hate this.

And on a similar vein - we've just moved and need quite a lot of work doing on our house.

Despite ME finding the tradespeople, doing the contacting and explaining, despite ME being the one to arrange payment etc. to a man (they are all men ) they will address DH before me.

What pisses me off more though is when DH tries to talk the talk like he's got a fucking clue . He doesn't.

It’s the same shit everywhere, and until we shut it down each and every time nothing will ever change. So resentful we have to do this at all.

One of the reasons my ex bf is an ex is because he'd always say 'I'll treat you to dinner. It infuriated me because when we started going out we decided up front that we'd both pay for meals out alternately. So he treated me one week and I'd pay the next week and so on.
There was no treating involved

Yip!

We bought a caravan. It was like we'd been transported back in time....

Men visibily hyperventilating watching me hitch & tow. When I sprayed & sanded the towbar, I could hear sharp intakes of breath. DH is now freaked out. As for all the social media that starts "Us ladies like to dress the caravan...". It's this whole planet of blue & pink jobs.

We get this all the time.

I earn loads more than dp. The house is my house and I just paid fro a new bathroom. The fitters kept running questions and changes by him, he kept calling me down (I was wfh) and telling them to ask me. They obviously decided he was paying, I was just a special princess that had to be part of every decision.

Then they showed us me how to lower the waterfall shower for cleaning. Just me. Not dp.

We wanted something changed and the man kept speaking to dp about it. In the end dp said 'you do realise this is her house and she is paying for it all. I keep telling you to speak to her not me'

Then all of a sudden they were all so interested in what sort of job, asking whose car was on the drive (mine) etc. I can only guess they thought i spent all day in bed only emerging to rule over the decisions and cut dp out.

We also had it when the fitted wardrobes were being measured.

Complete twats.

Oh and my own boss noticed I had a new handbag and asked if dp had treated me. I just looked at him and said 'you know how much you pay me, why would you think dp must have paid for it'

He just stood and said 'fair point' and scuttled back to his office.

While I appreciate the solidarity of all these stories, I also find it horrifying!

I did say to him 'maybe it's me treating him Bob!' and left him to ponder that.

A supermarket cashier said something similar. I was packing the final bag and DH took out his card to pay (from our joint account). She said ‘quite right love get him to pay for it all!’ Erm no we both contribute to that account!

DH's step mother is like this, almost stuck in the 1950's housewife era

Seems from this thread that casual sexism is (quite rightly) wrong but casual ageism is fine.
I know several men in their 60s (and older!) who don't make these assumptions and don't make stupid comments.

Also applies to older women too, several 60 something friends who are staunchly independent feminists

A few years ago DH and I couldn't get time off work at the same time. We decided he should take DC away for a week in the sun during his time off, which was the school holiday.

He is a perfectly capable, if laid back parent.

Omg, the gasps of shock, isn't he good taking DC away on his own. If it had been me, no one would have bothered.

I am nearly fifty and would never have done this young.

Now when I get.
Oh he's treating you etc.

I look them in the eye and say haha no I'm treating him! With a big smile.

Not aggressive, or arsey. Nothing in there to take making a point etc.

They usually look a bit confused and say lucky him! Or similar.

Even if separate bank accounts/ he earns more. It's still a thing to say that's loaded with assumptions about men/women/traditional roles etc.
And if she did earn less and joint accounts, why wouldn't she be treating him?

I mean obviously men like treats. Who doesn't!

In our case. I do earn way more. And we have a joint account. So we either never treat each other or always do

Whatever the circs at home, it's still going to get up the noses of many women. And I imagine if man there with you when said, very possibly his nose too!

I'd have laughed and said no no he's the lucky one- it's all on me

I don't agree it's because of age at all.

And I don't think it's anything to do with reflecting on an entrenched view of family structure from years ago. And I mean this bloke is not necessarily retired!

Just how I take it. And I doubt the people saying are doing it consciously/ deliberately.

It feels to me like a reminder if women's 'place'.

No matter how things change. The ideas about. Men looking after women. Women like/ need to be 'treated'. They expect this from a partner. Applies to clothes/ handbags/ meals out/ trips away from home/ that sort of thing.

It's assuming a universal dynamic where man is expected to earn and ensure they spend money on the woman on things to keep them happy.

Also assumes that the man is uninterested in breaks, meals, gifts etc. He's the man, not his role.

The fact that I know loads of couples who do have this dynamic. Men who insist on paying, women who want this from a man.

Doesn't change the fact that it's hardly universal!

I mean I've taken DH for surprise breaks. Bought him random presents. I also sometimes buy him flowers. (Men sent supposed to like flowers not sure why given... That loads obviously do!).

So no. It's not because he's old (60!) or because he is so old he's stuck in the 30s 50s or something.

My OH is a builder. When he does work on my house (our home) I pay him (going rate not "mates rates") to do the work. All of our friends know this. We do not share finances.
I still get "isn't he good to do that for you". Erm. No. I am paying a tradesman to do a job.
Really pisses me off