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Original poster

Odd invitation to cinema?

59 replies

QualityChecked · 25/11/2021 13:58

I've know this man for more than decade, although I'd tick the acquaintance, rather than friend box. We move in the same circles and are often at the same events.

DH died earlier this year, at roughly the same time as this man split with a longish term GF. So, we have been convenient company. At events where most of our friends are couples we often end up sitting together and/or sharing a lift. We've been out together as friends a few times.

He was lovely while DH was ill, would take me out for a run and then come in for a beer with (bedbound) DH. A godsend for both of us and he didn't do that "let me know if.." thing most people do, he got in touch regularly and made it happen.

He's the same age as me, mid 50s, long divorced and does have a reputation as a ladies man, but he's never made even the slightest move on me. Looking at his previous companions, much younger and more glamourous than I ever was, I highly doubt I'm his type.

Also, he has a close female friend who I am certain he would like more from. There's a big age difference and she'd like children so they both know it can't happen, but you wouldn't know it when they're together despite their protestations that they are just friends.

Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying there are a million reasons I don't want to be "involved" with him, but he is a welcome and convenient companion.

Today he has invited me to the cinema to see a film of my choice (ie not something he specifically wants to see). As it happens I can't make the date he suggests, but if I could, I'm in the habit of saying yes to anyone who invites me anywhere ATM. However, if I take more time to think, does the cinema cross a line into date territory?

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 26/11/2021 08:33

Anyway you only like his company in small doses so why progress this to a more intimate one in one friendship rather than leave it in the acquaintance zone where it is?

Joystir59 · 26/11/2021 08:34

I'd go and see a film with any number of my women friends or even on my own. Just me and a bloke? Only with my close gay friend

JoanOgden · 26/11/2021 08:35

I've been to the cinema lots of times with platonic male friends and never thought for a moment it was a date. So I wouldn't necessarily assume anything.

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AnnaSW1 · 26/11/2021 08:36

It just sounds like he's being a friend

PuppyMonkey · 26/11/2021 08:36

Can you just put him off with “there’s not really anything out I fancy watching at the moment,”

rookiemere · 26/11/2021 08:38

It sounds like he has been a great support over the past year and you're right to not want that to get into muddied water territories. Saying no to the cinema because you can't make it, is fine and natural.
I'd wait and see what happens next, any conversation about it would be awkward unless you know for sure he is planning to move out of the friend zone. If it comes up straight, then you can have the conversation about what a wonderful friend he has been to you and your late DH but you know that neither of you really have romantic feelings towards the other so it's best to keep things as they are.

ApolloandDaphne · 26/11/2021 08:38

I reckon he is just being nice to you and wants to make sure you are getting out and doing things for yourself (like seeing a film you really want to see).

Original poster
QualityChecked · 26/11/2021 08:41

I don't need to make excuses, I've already told him I (genuinely) can't go.

He didn't suggest another day, said he ask someone else we both know (a man). So probably he's at a loose end and thought I might be too.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 26/11/2021 08:42

Oh, okay well that doesn’t sound too alarming then?Confused

DontGetYourKnickersInATwist · 26/11/2021 08:43

I'd accept as a friend and I don't know how to word it, but somehow shoehorn it into your reply in the most natural way possible?

I dunno...."cheers mate"? Maybe not unless you're del boy... Thanks, you're such a good friend! Something like that. Maybe someone less socially awkward will be along soon.

I hope to god cinema dies not equal date as dh's male friends have taken me out to see movies and it was definitely not romantic AFAIK

Jumpingintochristmas · 26/11/2021 08:44

I would assume he was being a pal from what you have said.

DontGetYourKnickersInATwist · 26/11/2021 08:44

Oh sorry - you can't go. But I don't think it means he has designs on you necessarily.

Really sorry about your dh too Flowers

Original poster
QualityChecked · 26/11/2021 08:48

Maybe I spend too much time on MN, but there's something about full on nice chap with no ulterior motives that feels a bit off.

That said I married very young and was married 30 years so really have no idea how single adults carry on. All those "I've nothing to do tonight, who can I ask?" evenings, I would have done something with DH or DC (who are now adults with their own lives)

OP posts:
FabriqueBelgique · 26/11/2021 08:49

You’ll just be sitting next to each other watching a film with lots of strangers in the room with you. It’s very platonic and normal for a male-female friendship. Enjoy the film!

rookiemere · 26/11/2021 08:52

OP I think it's right and proper that your spidey senses are tingling, generally cinema going is date territory.

I suspect he may have realised that a relationship with someone of his own age and interests may be more sensible than his young ladies, but that doesn't mean you need to play along, and also it doesn't negate all the kindness he has demonstrated over the past year.

nottoplan · 26/11/2021 08:54

It sounds like friendship to me as he's asking another man now , he just fancies going to the cinema and you are his friend so he asked you ? You can't make it so he's asked another friend ,
Sounds like he's a good kind man but also lonely , he knows you are lonely as well so asked you out to things you might enjoy

Tulipomania · 26/11/2021 09:00

I think you are way overthinking it OP.

He fancies seeing a movie, thought you might like to see one too so he asked you as you are on your own.

This would be perfectly normal behaviour in my circles.

Not a date, and if it was you'd see it coming and be able to steer it away.

AttaGirrrrl · 26/11/2021 09:01

If you knew for sure it wasn’t a date, would you want to go (a different time)?

If you enjoy his company and would be open to cinema /dinner etc as friends in future, I think it’s worth having the conversation with him so that you don’t end up feeling unsure again.

It doesn’t have to be a big conversation, just “can I check, did you ask me to the cinema as friends, or as a date? Because I don’t want to date you”

He sounds a) nice b) emotionally mature c) sociable, so isn’t likely to take this badly - and then you can decide how comfortable you feel with continuing the friendship.

I’m sorry about your DH Flowers

Original poster
QualityChecked · 26/11/2021 09:13

@AttaGirrrrl

If you knew for sure it wasn’t a date, would you want to go (a different time)?

If you enjoy his company and would be open to cinema /dinner etc as friends in future, I think it’s worth having the conversation with him so that you don’t end up feeling unsure again.

It doesn’t have to be a big conversation, just “can I check, did you ask me to the cinema as friends, or as a date? Because I don’t want to date you”

He sounds a) nice b) emotionally mature c) sociable, so isn’t likely to take this badly - and then you can decide how comfortable you feel with continuing the friendship.

I’m sorry about your DH Flowers

Yes. My married friends have gone all weird since DH died, DC are suddenly not around much (they both became adults during lockdown so went from always been at home to never being at home, which is good), I don't have many people to go out with.

If I'd gone we'd have had a nice time, probably had food or a drink after and actually, I'd have been able to "joke" about it looking like a date and see his reaction.

I think a cold conversation about it might jeopardise things - make him reluctant to ask again?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 26/11/2021 09:15

I wouldn't have a specific conversation about it OP, unless he brings it up. Thinking about it as he is single, it could be kosher in that he wants to go to the cinema and wants to bring a friend along, it's hard to gauge.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 26/11/2021 09:17

I’ve been to loads of films with platonic male friends. I don’t see why the cinema is automatically a date situation. It’s not a candle-lit dinner on a beach.

DontGetYourKnickersInATwist · 26/11/2021 09:17

Ask him next time. I wouldn't ask about it being like a date. It's a moot point anyway, as you can't go.

Suggest another day for it maybe. And say something along the lines of it being great to have friends around to do things like this with maybe? I'm not great with wording these things though.

DontGetYourKnickersInATwist · 26/11/2021 09:18

Ask him next time.

As in ask him to the cinema. Do not ask him if it is a date!

Lalliella · 26/11/2021 09:20

I would just say - yes I’d like to go to the cinema with you, how about Tuesday, just checking though - it’s not a date is it? And an appropriate light-hearted emoji.

Lalliella · 26/11/2021 09:21

I think you should clarify it before you go because you don’t want him grabbing your hand (or worse!) and it being awkward.

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