School refusing. Does anyone have any advice?

[WhatToDoodle]

DS is 12 and in his first term of Year 7 (October born).

He has ASD and anxiety and his attendance has steadily declined; he is now unable to go to school at least one day per week. “Luckily” he does recognise he needs to go to school and he manages the other days but he is so highly anxious , he is very difficult to handle at home. I can’t talk to him (even to ask what he would like for dinner) as he just explodes due to the anxiety of having been at school and the thought of going to school the next day.

He is unable to verbalise why he doesn’t want to go. He gets prepared for school but he just can’t get out of the door some days. It’s not always the same day so it’s difficult to pin point triggers. He does say he just can’t deal with the sheer volume of people.

He has an EHCP but the strategies in place are not helping as his anxiety appears very generalised and it all builds up over the day until he can no longer cope.

He’s a very bright boy but his work is suffering. I want to stop this avoidance in its tracks but it would be at the sacrifice of his mental health.

When he does go in to school, he is crying and desperate and it’s just awful to see; but he’s an exceptional masker so nobody sees this side of him.

At home he is such an angry , explosive boy and it’s just not fair on him or his siblings.

What can I do?

No experience myself but this website may be useful: notfineinschool.co.uk/home

I have no Advice, as we are struggling with this too and I can’t get to the bottom of it, but I have been advised not to refer to it as school refusal. Your child is not wilfully doing this, it is part of their disability. Your child is suffering from school related anxiety caused by the school environment, linked to his disability.

It’s really helped me to use the different phrase. I was also advised to check what attendance code the school are using to record the absence. When I checked, ours was down as unauthorised when it should have gone down as illness or at least authorised.

Can the school agree a reduced timetable?

Does he have a quiet/safe space to go when he’s super anxious?

Does the school have a mental health team?

Does he have a fidget toy?

Can you make a calm down poster with him with different ways to calm down if he’s feeling anxious, he can get this out and remind himself of the steps of how to calm down

Is he eating/drinking/going to the toilet st school?

Does he have 1-1 support? If so can they take him out the lessons and somewhere quieter?

Can he miss assemblies if they are too busy?

Can he leave his classroom 5 min early to move to next classroom to avoid the chaos of lesson changeover time?

Do you speak to the school SENCo regularly? Can you ask for an emergency EHCP review?

Those are some ideas that came to my mind, sorry if all have been tried or you think won’t help

Things ive seen put in place (some more successfully than others)
*no queuing for anything
*leave lessons a few minuites early to avoid the noisy corridors
*safe space to go at break/lunch
*safe space to go mid lesson when overwhelmed - and the ability to just walk out of the lesson to go there, no asking permission.
*book work preset, and available in a safe space, for any lessons identified as a trigger
*reduced timetable (just mornings, or just English&maths&favoured lesson)

But, is there another school nearby that has a smaller intake? I work (not pupil facing) in a secondary school that is smaller than my son's mid size primary school. It takes a lot of kids from quite a wide area who need the relative calm that come from a much smaller school.

I work with teenagers a bit further along than your DS and try to re-integrate them back into mainstream schools or find a suitable alternative.

What does the school day look like to ds? Key things I'd be looking for are:

• who greets him in the morning (he should have a dedicated time, member of staff and space - not just tutortime - to make a positive transition into the school each day)
• what happens at break and lunch? It's often the unstructured parts of the day that are hardest for ASD students. Again he needs a dedicated safe space and staff member
• How is the end of the day managed? Does he need a "check out"
• what happens if he begins to feel overwhelmed during a lesson? Does he have/need a pass to get out to a safe space and staff member?

If you are able to get DS to talk to you (or someone who can advocate for him) about what he finds difficult at school then it might be possible to identify other things which can be adapted.

I hope the school is accommodating - some are better than others. Sadly if you don't think they are trying then my advice is to move him asap in a way that is positive for him - he needs to have some control/input into it.

Are reduced timetables beneficial or can they make the situation worse? I’ve no experience other than my DS.

DS does have a lot of the things in pp’s listed in his EHCP but they don’t seem to help.

for the responses.

Does the EHCP describe his needs accurately? Are the needs based on formal assessments by SALT, Ed Psych and OT? Were the assessments made recently? For every need in section B is there a specified and quantified provision in section F? By that it needs to state what should happen for how long and how often and who will make the provision. Are the school making all the provision as is stated in the EHCP? If you can say no to any of those questions then you should ask for an emergency review of the EHCP.

Ask the LA for either an early review or a reassessment of needs. It sounds like the latter is needed. IPSEA have a model letter you can use. The advantages of a reassessment of needs over an early review is if the LA refuse you have a right of appeal and also your posts suggest DS needs updated assessments.

If DS cannot attend school because of his MH or SEN the LA have a statutory duty to provide an education. This duty should begin once it is clear DS will miss 15 days, for ongoing conditions the days do not have to be consecutive. The LA must also any provide other provision specified and quantified in section F.

Be aware reduced timetables are only legal if they are short term aimed at reintegration, otherwise they are illegal whether or not you agree. I say this so DS isn't put on a reduced timetable long term without other provision being put in place to help DS. Do you think the school is the right setting for DS?

Is there any MH therapies in the EHCP? SALT, OT?

I have, sadly, experience. My DC refused so the school arranged for favourite teacher/friends to meet at drop off.

I am a firm believer in oushing through this. However this only works if the child is actually happy whilst in school. My DC was and is. It was for them an anxiety/tranistion issue. If they are not happy in school that is a much bigger issue that needs addressing as the anxiety is probably from that. Sadly that needs to be addressed within the school or an alternative school found asap.

From speaking to many other parents of ASD children it is far from unusual that these issues occur at your childs age. Fight!

The EHCP is being implemented and it is tailored to his needs, it just does not seem to help . DS can not say why he is struggling.

I will ask for a re assessment of his needs. DS does not want to move schools as he will have to start over, but I am not sure this is the right place for him. There are no suitable alternatives either

My daughter now attends an independent specialist school after being unable to attend mainstream secondary school because of anxiety. She has ASD. The fight was awful but the transformation for my dd has been incredible. Her attendance went down to zero but she misses no days in her current school and is happy to go.

Sadly there are often few options. However I would caution that if the school does not try and ensure his needs are met and he is happy at school refusal often leads to the child not returning (especially if the school is an academy). Without planning...and I am not being hysterical but warning your child could be out of education until you find and fight for the right school

It is bloody hard. And I am sorry if this frightens you. Best case is that it settles with the schools help. But they have to be proactive

I had this (was called school phobia). I've never been diagnosed with ASD, but my son has been and I often wonder.

I was scared of leaving home to go to school. Not the journey or anything, just being away from home made me nervous. I was fine when there, but hated leaving home to go there and frequently refused.

I don't know what they offer now, but back then I had an attendance officer come around. My parents never got into trouble as unless they physically carried me, they couldn't get me to attend.

I was given the opportunity to stay in a classroom at lunch, which helped a bit. I went to a group of girls every Thursday evening, which was fun things. The other girls typically had other problems (convictions, children's home residents etc). I was the only one without a social worker.

It never got better for me, I never liked having to leave the security of home for the scariness of school.

Strangely I went to sixth form and then university, but I had autonomy, it was a choice not a compulsion and I had a way out if I wanted it, I think the choice to go was key to doing it, having a way out, which school doesn't offer.

Sorry that's not much help. I hope he can find a way to navigate it.

I do wish that I'd realised that school was for a finite time and that I'd made more of it, but it'd would've been impossible for me to understand that when young.

I would recommend this website for info, there is also a Facebook page with lots of parents in similar positions.

definefine.org.uk/

There is also the notfineinschool one that someone posted link to above, that also has a good facebook group

From experience reduced timetables benefit some students but generally only where they are being used for a specific purpose and where there is a clear plan for how, why and when the transition back to full time will take place.

It doesn't sound like it would be helpful for your DS.

Re-assessment might be helpful but he needs to be able to articulate his needs to someone.

Is there anyone you can think of that we would be happy/able to talk to? Sometimes being a bit removed from the situation (ie not parent or school) can make it easier to open up about it.

Also consider whether sensory issues such as uniform, corridor noise etc are playing a role.

Would DS be able/willing to try to identify when he begins to feel more stressed/anxious at school? Then you can work backwards to see what preceded it. He may need help identifying signs of stress- increased heart rate, sweaty hands/generally etc before he can do this

Speak to a co sultans or GP about medication

Place marking. My DD has the same problem and there's some good ideas on here.

The EHCP being implemented but not helping highlights the provision in it doesn't meet DS's needs. He needs up to date assessments from a variety of professionals (e.g. SALT, OT, psychiatrist &/or CP) to inform amendments to the EHCP.

When thinking about what setting is best for DS consider independents, both MS and SS. If there isn't a suitable school there is EOTAS. DS1 has an EOTAS package due to there not being a suitable school.

Please also know that if there us a parent at home a full home ed package can be put in place...with tutors for all subjects.

I am so sorry but whatever way it is it will be a hopefully short term struggle

My DD does the same thing, I dread mornings now. I'm a teacher and single parent, so getting all of us out of the house and to work/school is so stressful. She did it maybe a handful of times at juniors, now since starting year 7 it's been 4 days in 8 weeks. At first it was the days I have off, so I really thought she was just trying it on but she's done it when I need to be at work this week. She is mid assessment for ADHD and ASD, she will just refuse to get up, just stays in bed, pulls the duvet over her head and just goes totally non verbal, crying and grunting at me. It's like she's a different person. I've tried everything and I'm ashamed to say I really lost my rag with her on Monday morning when I was due to teach a full day and couldn't manage to leave the house until 12...she eventually went to her dad's, but despite him previously saying he would just get her to school no problem, he couldn't either
I honestly think with her that she enjoys school, but that she's not herself there, she's masking constantly. She struggles with any change in routine and I think seems to need a long time to get up and lots of sleep. So I'm enforcing very early bedtimes, she has melatonin to help her drift off, then trying to stick to a routine like uniform in the same place every morning, leave at the same time etc...school seem unbothered, they haven't even got in touch when she's had a day off. I don't know what to do next because all she can tell me is she's tired. She won't speak about it at all, she doesn't communicate about her feelings, I don't think she knows how, or even knows why.

I've tried showing her videos about meltdowns and ASD burnout, also tried to find ways she can self sooth. Apart from that I'm hoping school can come up with something to help. She's bright though, they never see any of this behaviour at all and apart from terrible attendance she's doing really well. I'm just at a loss and just feel like I'm waiting for the next time it'll happen.

It sounds like his current school may not be the right environment for him.

He may not be able to articulate exactly what is causing his anxiety as it may just be completely overwhelming - a combination of too many people, too many transitions (eg moving between classes/lessons), sensory overload etc.

Is food an issue? My DS can’t cope with people eating certain foods near him and not knowing what other children would have in their lunchboxes made his anxiety rocket. This was a big contributing factor to the start of his school refusal.

Is there a mainstream school with a resource base near you? Then he could become familiar with one classroom/set of teachers to begin with then join in with lessons with the rest of his year when/if ready?

I would advise in the meantime while all this is being figured out you reassure him that his mental health/emotional well-being are more important than attendance and that he’s under no pressure to attend (either from himself, you or school) unless he feels he can manage it. That would hopefully help calm things down at home for him.

My DS has a reduced timetable and is able to come home anytime he feels he can’t manage any longer at school. It helped reduce his anxiety and get back into the routine of actually going to school (along with lots of other support measures). We’re up to 4 hours a day now and he’s keen to increase it so it may be worth considering. We started with afternoons as this was when his favourite lessons took place (PE, art etc).

You’ve got some great advice here. My ds is struggling but at a less intense level and some of the things that have helped have been

• manufacturing a friendship to give him (and another boy) some social security. A teacher set up a chess game for them at lunchtime and encouraged them to form a chess club. They’re both starting to form other friendships now.

• having a designated adult he can speak to at school when he’s overwhelmed. They check in with him during the day, and have a hand signal code.

• at home, he’s allowed to use the iPad for an hour after school to unwind. It’s not my favourite thing but it has helped.

• homework has been a big trigger, so we have a lot of different strategies around that.

• ds is a reader so I hold onto exciting new books for difficult times like Sunday night/Monday morning.

• the school watch out for him arriving on Mondays or if he’s returning after a break. I can text ahead to let them know if he’s having a bad morning.

• I give him a new Pokémon card for everyday he goes to school. We had to agree that this wasn’t a bribe/reward (as nothing would be worth going to school) but he accepts it as an acknowledgement that it’s hard for him.

In primary the psychologist encouraged us to look into the SPACE Program developed by Eli Lebowitz which looks at parental behaviour around anxiety. I found that very useful in trying to figure out how to support him without making things worse.

My son 14 is out of school all this term due to rising anxiety. The behaviour you describe, OP is classic for high functioning autism with anxiety and school masking. We are now waiting for an amendment to his ehcp, and some sort of tuition package. There are no school places around, so we might end up EOTAS.

DD1 (13) is the same. She has suspected ASD but not diagnosed as it's a relatively new train of thought. She has hated school since year 4 but tolerated it. Since September she has flat out refused, anxious, angry, aggressive, crying in class, being bullied etc. After a lot of debating with the school she is now on a reduced timetable and seeing a counsellor that we arranged outside of school. It's hard hard going but I think we're making tiny steps in the right direction. It's heartbreaking seeing her go through this though.

I went through this with my DD when she hit secondary school after her doing well at primary. She got worse around the age of 14 and even educational psychology and intensive support from social work (going as far as coming round in the morning to try and get her up and out of the house) did nothing.

She was utterly miserable and the only thing that worked was letting her leave school at 15 and going to college (we are in Scotland so you can leave before your 16th birthday if going into alternative education). She ended up getting her highers and started uni this year.

I really wish I had taken her out of the environment that was making her miserable and home educated. If I were you I would seriously consider it for your son.