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Original poster

What happens to the house if you have children with someone but you're not married

125 replies

aaaaaaaaaaaah · 22/11/2021 17:31

So a close friend is having a baby with her partner. My friend has no money at all whereas her partner owns a house worth over a million, comes from a family who has money and earns a lot of money. He has told her he won't marry her and the house isn't in her name, she said she wanted to be married to have the same name as the child and he said she can change her name by deed poll. I'm wondering why he's so against marriage and if it's to do with money. Surely if he's having children with her she will be entitled to stay in the house anyway and if anything was to happen to him she would be looked after being the mother of his children. I have a few friends who have children with their partners and want to marry them but the partners won't I'm wondering why this is

OP posts:
Notcontent · 22/11/2021 18:07

Your friend is a fool. She could be homeless tomorrow.

HugeAckmansWife · 22/11/2021 18:07

I think actually as a good friend you should say something. If she is under the same very naive impressions that you were in the op she needs to wise up sharpish. You are doing her no favours by letting her continue to drive deeper into to an extremely precarious position.

ChrissyPlummer · 22/11/2021 18:08

If marriage was that important to her, then she should have left him and found someone who did want to marry her. And she shouldn’t be having a baby with him. Too late now of course, but of she thought falling pregnant would change his mind, I guess she’s in for a rude awakening.

I can’t imagine he’ll give a shit as to the surname, it’s not a “bargaining chip” at all. Certainly not one, I would think to make him marry her and give her rights to half of his money.

MarieG10 · 22/11/2021 18:09

From a financial point of view he is taking a sensible and pragmatic approach. She will have no claim at all on his assets or those family ones that pass to him.

More divorced women who got a whacking settlement now take that view and refuse to marry for a second time.

This is the result of the development of the divorce laws by convention that means that men (usually but not exclusively) that have a decent amount of assets get asset stripped on divorce. The outcome now is more women in the situation of your friend that end up with a baby and zilch security as men just refuse to marry, but more fool here.

My advice is no marriage no baby but that doesn't mean I agree with the existing divorce rules in financial settlement, although they are gradually improving.

Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaah · 22/11/2021 18:11

@LolaSmiles yeah I think it is maybe a power thing with him. She said his ex had no money either. I think he likes that she's quit her career and doesn't work now. Other friends have said maybe he's just shy and doesn't want a big wedding. I seem to be the only person who finds this odd

OP posts:
PenelopeVonDelius · 22/11/2021 18:12

Oof! She doesn't work? Shit, she is completely mad. I really hope it works out OK.

Darkpheonix · 22/11/2021 18:13

I refuse to get married again and the reason is money. I earn alot more than do and have alor more in assets.

The main difference is that we don't have kids and we won't be doing. So no reason for him to give up work.

If we split there's I see no reason I should continue to support him.

Your friend is very very sill giving up her career. CMS would be based on his wage too, not his assets. So if on paper he doesn't earn much and lives of assets, she would be screwed for even that.

And even then CMS isn't forever, she should have kept her career.

HidingFromDD · 22/11/2021 18:14

It depends whether he encouraged her to
give up her job and be a sahm. I do understand wanting to protect assets (although I’m in different position as divorced with children and my own assets, I won’t be marrying as don’t want to dilute them). In her position I’d want some legal protection around providing a regular payment until child turns 21 and confirmation that assets will be given to children in the will.

LolaSmiles · 22/11/2021 18:17

LolaSmiles yeah I think it is maybe a power thing with him. She said his ex had no money either. I think he likes that she's quit her career and doesn't work now. Other friends have said maybe he's just shy and doesn't want a big wedding. I seem to be the only person who finds this odd
What makes you think he likes the fact she's given up her job?
It could be a power thing, but then your friend is a grown woman who (assuming the relationship isn't abusive) should make decisions for her own security instead of seeing £££ and quitting her job to live a life of leisure funded by a boyfriend who isn't interested in marrying her.

I don't think it's strange at all that he doesn't want to marry someone who brings no assets to the table when he has his own wealth and family wealth, especially someone who was quite willing to drop their own aspirations and careers.

The sooner women get clued up on their own finances, the better.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 22/11/2021 18:21

I think she should have talked about all of those issues before getting pregnant :(

She has put herself in a really difficult position because no she isn’t entitled to anything at all. And her DP sounds more worried about not risking his money than protecting her/their child.
Bevause one of the big issues tyere is that she ALSO isn’t entitled to anything if he dies too…

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 22/11/2021 18:24

@LolaSmiles I think it’s very strange he doesn’t want to marry the mother if his child seeing all the implications if he dies/next of kin if he is ill etc etc

Focusing only on ‘protecting his assets’ wo thinking about protecting his child too is crap. Because let’s be honest there, if they were to get divorced, she would end up looking after the child who would then be in a much worse situation. As a father, is it really what you want for your own child???

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 22/11/2021 18:28

If he's shy and doesn't want a big wedding then that's easily solved. But then he would be giving her a claim.
As it stands she could find herself homeless and broke and, if the father is on the birth certificate, having to go to court to get access to the child.

MoverCat · 22/11/2021 18:30

Unless he specifically names her and the kids in his will then she would be entitled to zero.

If they split up she'd be entitled to only child maintenance. She would not be entitled to stay in the house, or any financial support for herself.

HugeAckmansWife · 22/11/2021 18:30

She wouldn't necessarily 'get' the child, not any more, and not if he can demonstrate a sensible and workable childcare plan for his contact time. Most exs don't give a shit about the wellbeing of the mother of their children, and don't act in way that will ensure their wellbeing once they have split.

LolaSmiles · 22/11/2021 18:35

PerfectlyUnsuitable
I think it's strange if he hasn't made appropriate provisions for his child in the event of a split or his death.
I don't think it's strange for anyone (man or woman) with assets to be reluctant to marry a partner who on entering a relationship with someone with money gave up their job, ambitions financial security and long term pension planning.

Marriage is fundamentally a legal document where two adults agree they wish to merge their assets and finances.The sooner more people view that way rather than a romantic declaration and a party, the sooner more people will make informed decisions.

ZenNudist · 22/11/2021 18:40

Leave her to it. She's got nothing. She should use living with this man as a chance to invest in her own asset. She can't give up work because if he wants HD can kick her and the dc out and they will have nothing. She will probably give dc his name as she will hope he will be more likely to support them but she can't count on it...

LittleBearPad · 22/11/2021 18:40

[quote aaaaaaaaaaaah]@LolaSmiles yeah I think it is maybe a power thing with him. She said his ex had no money either. I think he likes that she's quit her career and doesn't work now. Other friends have said maybe he's just shy and doesn't want a big wedding. I seem to be the only person who finds this odd[/quote]
Not wanting a big wedding is highly unlikely. They could get married with pretty much no one there.

More likely he doesn’t want to give her rights to his money. She is in a precarious position and if they split will have nothing.

Sundancerintherain · 22/11/2021 18:40

Basically if when they split she will be up shit creek without a paddle.

PenelopeVonDelius · 22/11/2021 18:42

Yeah, I think I agree with lola tbh. It would be different if they got together when neither of them had assets and they then built them up together.

If it's true he encouraged her to quit work though, I'd find that so wrong. He is exposing her to financial insecurity, without even making provision for her if he dies.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 22/11/2021 18:43

Both those women should give the babies their surname.

HideousKinky · 22/11/2021 18:47

She should give the baby her own name

Gliderx · 22/11/2021 18:49

In her shoes, I would not have gotten pregnant and, if it happened accidentally, I would have seriously considered an abortion unless I was able to support the child financially myself. If someone shows you the quality of their commitment to you, believe them. Her vulnerability will only increase post-baby.

Smartiepants79 · 22/11/2021 18:50

I can’t believe in this day and age there are still reasonably intelligent women out there who are this naive.
She is currently entitled to nothing.
She would get some child maintenance and that’s it.
If he does then his assets pass to his next of kin unless his will states otherwise. That may his child but would be in trust of some kind (I would think).
In their current set up she has literally no rights in his life unless there is legal paperwork stating otherwise.
I do think you ought to tell her this.

CayrolBaaaskin · 22/11/2021 18:51

If he does and leaves no will, she wouldn’t be entitled to inherit but the kids would get everything. He could disinherit them by leaving a will (as he could disinherit a wife if he was married) but the kids could make a claim on the estate as dependents (in England, in Scotland children are entitled to a third of moveable property on death if there is a will).

If he is still alive though, likely all she can get is CMS although in some cases a claimed can be made under the schedule to the children’s act for property to be transferred etc. But it’s a tricky area and far from guaranteed. If I were her I’d keep my job.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/11/2021 18:53

As a friend, it certainly is your place to say something. What are friends for? He's not afraid of a big wedding, and if he is, all he has to do is get the bans called and arrange a wedding with just 2 witnesses. No guests. As an unmarried person, she could be thrown out on her ear with no comeback and no rights.

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