Is this weird, or normal for committed couples?

[Pickles89]

Waiting for each other to do very basic things for/with each other? I've never had a serious relationship so I don't know... I find it really odd though. With my parents, my mum will stand there and tell my dad how thirsty she is until he gets her a glass of water, pretty much every time, I don't think she ever pours her own if he's in the house with her. On the other hand she'll insist he stands there like a lemon when he gets in from work while she pauses whatever she was doing and goes to fetch his book from upstairs for him. Every time, she insists on it. Then my SIL sits back while my brother carefully butters her bread for her, checking with her it's the right amount of butter he's using as he does it, and now they're married they seem incapable of going to the loo or having a shower separately. Not even a sexual thing (I hope!) but just their daily routine. I find this sort of behaviour really peculiar. I don't see why being in a committed relationship means you stop doing basic things for yourself that a 6 year old could do. Yes of course it's nice to do each other a favour, if one of you is tired or has their hands full, but to wait for your other half to fulfil their expected 'role' in your basic needs, even if it means it all takes longer? Is this sort of thing just normal and I'm a bitter old maid, or are my family oddballs?

It’s not the doing things for each other (generally with some kind of reciprocity) that’s weird.

It’s the standing there making passive aggressive comments about how thirsty she is until your dad gets her a glass of water. That’s so strange.

That said, long term couples get into odd habits. My mum and stepdad have developed about a million irritating habits over the past 25 years.

Yep weird, DH has come to the toilet with me one time, I was in labour and on a drip!

That's so weird. Your SIL can't butter her own bread?

This would drive me mad.

Sounds a bit OTT to me OP

DH and I are often strive each other while we shower, but that is because we have a crap shower attached to the traits that takes an age to get the temp right, so once we do we shower one after another (and then kids tend to have a turn too).

So, for practical rather than emotional support reasons!

No I’d say these things are dysfunctional.

I had a family member like this - she would tell him what to eat in a restaurant and then also claimed she couldn’t administer her medication herself so he had to do it for her several times a day.

I think it stems from women having to take such a backseat in the past that these little things were all they could control and it helped them feel more equal in their relationship. The couple I refer to was very much of that generation.

Bloody hell, 16 years in and this behaviour would make me feel trapped and stressed.

Very weird. I don’t want to shower with anyone unless its for a shag.

Making each other drinks is normal but something I've trained DH into .

Going to the toilet together, good grief, no way.

Hmmm no this is odd. My DH and I do things ourselves.

This is my parents-my dad is a 72 year old baby

He doesn’t know where his clothes are kept,can’t cook,can’t use the washer-the list is endless

It’s rubbed off on my brothers-more fool the wives that put up with it

(At one point,one brother had his wife wiping his arse for him,until I pointed out how gross it was-he wasn’t happy when she put her foot down)

Not a chance in hell with dp and I-he’d stave before I did everything for him (we take it in turns)he knows where the washer/kettle/mop etc live

It's weird.

I don't know anybody who behaves like that, however we did have houseguests a few weeks ago (good friends of ours) who did something that I found a bit odd.

They were here for three nights and every night when we were all going to bed they would go in the bathroom together to brush teeth / have a wash / get undressed etc.

Do other people do that?

They had a big double bedroom to themselves to get undressed in so it wasn't that they did it for privacy. And I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if they had each undressed in the bathroom separately. It was just the fact they did it together that was unusual. It just wouldn't occur to DH and me to do that - we would just go one after the other. I don't need him standing there looking at me / chatting to me while I go for a wee and brush my teeth.

In our own home, with no houseguests, we wouldn't lock the door and one of us might wander in while the other is in there. But this was like an intentional thing that they did.

Is this common? Do other people do this?

At one point,one brother had his wife wiping his arse for him,until I pointed out how gross it was-he wasn’t happy when she put her foot down)

Genuinely baffled why any partner would do that, barring any special needs. Even then I would find it difficult to do, if I'm honest.

Doing it just because the fucker couldn't be bothered doing it himself would be the biggest red flag ever. Demeaning as fuck. How would you ever want to shag a guy like that?

Very odd behaviour - and I say that as someone who has been a housewife for many years whilst DH works.

I get my DH his first cup of tea when I'm home all day and he gets me a cup of tea on the mornings he's up first. Who cares what outsiders think. It's a tiny routine of tit for tat kindnesses.

Your family Di seem a bit odd though.

@HesperusWreck but presumably if he was away, you wouldn’t just not drink a tea all day if someone didn’t make it for you.

Oddballs totally. I don't know anyone like that.

@HesperusWreck

I get my DH his first cup of tea when I'm home all day and he gets me a cup of tea on the mornings he's up first. Who cares what outsiders think. It's a tiny routine of tit for tat kindnesses.

Eh? That's just standard is it not?

I don't think that's what the OP is getting at.

If one of us is physically in work, the other has a cup of tea waiting for them when they get in. Pre-covid I was always home earlier so I would make the tea, now we’re both in about 50%.

I think all couples have their “things” but I can’t imagine not having a drink because DP wasn’t here to boil the kettle.

My MIL is like that in restaurants, can’t order her own food or ask the waiter for anything, always has to get FIL to do it. I have also never seen her pay the bill. It’s not an age or capability thing as I have known her since she was in her forties and she is a head teacher by profession.
It made me determined to teach my DC how to chose and order their own food and drinks, I also pay the bill around 50% of the time, working out the tip etc. as I see this as a life skill.

@Ozgirl75

I mean, we make each other teas and food and things but wouldn’t just exist helplessly if the other one didn’t do it for us.

This.

This sounds very odd. But I’m never not surprised by how many of my married friends ALWAYS go to bed at the same time. Like one will NOT stay up past the other.

I find that deeply strange.

Somewhat OTT examples, but I do think couples get into habits that for them are totally normal, and it’s only if someone else sees and points it out that it gets noticed.

That's very odd, but not as odd as the PP whose brother got his wife to wipe his arse 🤢🤮
Seriously, how did that even come up? He should be ashamed of himself, that poor woman.