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Original poster

Ending a friendship

30 replies

OliviaBean · 20/11/2021 17:04

I went through a horrible time last year. A friend I considered a very good friend was quite disloyal to me and stayed on the fence on an issue, allowing someone to spout unfounded gossip about me unchallenged. Basically she sat on the fence. Fair enough, she was entitled to however i wouldn't have allowed it if the the roles were reversed, I would have been 100% loyal to her. There was a lot of hurt caused to me. After that I distanced myself and so did she. Absolutely fine, sad but I felt we both knew the story.

I received a text recently, asking me why I had distanced myself, had she done something wrong, she valued our friendship. I found it to be disingenuous as she had also distanced herself and unless she has amnesia, I can't see why she wouldn't know the reasons.

I don't really want to get into it with her however I was ghosted by someone in the past and it was very painful and I don't want to do this to another person. I would rather leave it go as things stand and it's probably the right thing to do for me but I do know the pain of ghosting.

Any advice on how to respond? I don't want to get into anything, the drama of last year is very raw but I would like to end it like a grown up.

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 20/11/2021 17:05

No response is a response.

You sound like you have nothing to say. So don’t.

Rogue1001 · 20/11/2021 17:14

How about "I felt hurt by your choices (insert specific examples) and this led me to realise we want differentthings from each other"
Or, maybe less controversial
"I've been reevaluating my life, and I want to do things differently"

Tbh, whilst I understand why you don't want to ghost her, I can't think of anything that you can say that won't be hurtful to hear, no matter how "it's not you, it's me" you make it

Original poster

OliviaBean · 20/11/2021 17:41

I just don't want any drama, I've had my fill of it.

It's hard to give her my reasons without getting into detail which in turn may draw drama.

OP posts:

makelovenotpetrol · 20/11/2021 17:46

I just ghosted the two people I didn't want anything to do with, after advice from MN. Best thing I did with regards to how much they were negatively affecting my life. I felt much lighter afterwards.

BleuJay · 20/11/2021 18:49

I wouldn’t be bothered to reply as anything you say will be replied to and the drama will commence.

Why should you have to explain anything to her?

Do not reply and block.

BobbieT1999 · 20/11/2021 18:54

She might genuinely not know. Some people, when feeling a friend pulling away, step back to give them space, often because they don't know how to deal with it.

I think if it's a friend you valued highly and you know it wasn't malicious behaviour on her part then you owe her an explanation, ghosting can really screw with people's heads. You don't have to get into drama though.

Happylittlethoughts · 20/11/2021 19:40

Tricky to not blow something up here...I've also just ghosted friend after a loyalty issue, but to be fair she probably knew exactly why and left it . If asked directly though its a bit different. I think I would reply since she is not complicit in letting this die quietly. This may go into too much detail.. but I probably would tell her since she's asked ...
" Hey Jillie, You are right. I have stepped away our friendship. Although this has been sad for me, I feel there was some irrevocable damage for me around the time when xxxxx was saying xxx. I was hurt by the silly rumours but more hurt you wouldn't defend me. Loyalty is very important to me and I feel we have different expectations of what that means in a friendship. No one needs to be right or wrong here. We're just different in our friendship values.I wish you well in future"
Answers above are great if you don't want to say much ... but since the faithless one asked ... bloody let her know

NatriumChloride · 20/11/2021 19:46

@Happylittlethoughts

Tricky to not blow something up here...I've also just ghosted friend after a loyalty issue, but to be fair she probably knew exactly why and left it . If asked directly though its a bit different. I think I would reply since she is not complicit in letting this die quietly. This may go into too much detail.. but I probably would tell her since she's asked ... " Hey Jillie, You are right. I have stepped away our friendship. Although this has been sad for me, I feel there was some irrevocable damage for me around the time when xxxxx was saying xxx. I was hurt by the silly rumours but more hurt you wouldn't defend me. Loyalty is very important to me and I feel we have different expectations of what that means in a friendship. No one needs to be right or wrong here. We're just different in our friendship values.I wish you well in future" Answers above are great if you don't want to say much ... but since the faithless one asked ... bloody let her know

This is a succinct reply, honest, and very no-frills. I’d use this and send it, but do be prepared for some pushback.

GertietheGherkin · 20/11/2021 19:56

Do you feel she deserves an explanation?
Your answer to that question should sort the next move you choose to make.

It's more like she kept quiet to give herself an easy get out fence sitting excuse, and now thinks that the dust has settled so she'll crawl out from under her rock.

If not having her around has been easier, and less drama then just block or delete. You don't owe her anything.

WingBingo · 20/11/2021 20:08

What @Happylittlethoughts said. Perfect response.

Thinkbiglittleone · 20/11/2021 20:20

I would explain why, but word it @Happylittlethoughts said.
It gives and explanation but also closes the door as well, so nothing is left unsaid on your part, but the negativity is out of your life.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 20/11/2021 20:38

I don't think you owe her an explanation.
so don't open that door - whatever you say she'll like just use it to attack you.

She hurt you. so why do you even care if your "ghosting" her AFTER A YEAR hurts her?
Just ignore her. You don't owe her anything. You don't want to reply so don't. it's ok

Original poster

OliviaBean · 21/11/2021 09:54

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I like the example above, I think I will use something like that.

Very much before this all happened, I felt she was one of those who sat on the fence with her friends, I learnt the hard way when the s&&t hit the fan for me. Yet she would profess that I was a very good friend of hers but actions speak louder than words.

I don't think she's nasty as such, her sitting on the fence has lost her a good friend who would have had her back 100%.

OP posts:

DroopyClematis · 21/11/2021 10:38

Maybe your friend felt that your side of the issue was too difficult to reconcile with her conscience?

It doesn't matter now, let her go.

ILoveHuskies · 21/11/2021 10:42

Ghosting is fucking horrible really fucks with peoples minds 😞 can't believe how many people do it and think it's ok, I swear it's a fairly new thing

It sounds shit what she did though so I don't blame you for not wanting to be friends. I'd at least give her an explanation though if at any point she did mean anything to you

Original poster

OliviaBean · 21/11/2021 11:13

@DroopyClematis - She may believe what was said about me, she pushed away from me too and you know I was fine with that, I've had to believe in myself and get on with my life. I just don't understand if that was the case why she is coming back now, why not leave it.

I won't ghost her, as I said, I had it done to me and it is very very painful. I know I may get push back but whatever I respond with has to be the end of it for me, I won't be prolonging the drama.

OP posts:

ILoveHuskies · 21/11/2021 11:51

Friendships can be so shitty and hard can't they

Original poster

OliviaBean · 21/11/2021 11:54

The end of friendships can be so painful and hard. We seem to focus a lot of romantic relationship ending and the heartbreak around that but the friend that ghosted me, it took me a lot of years to get peace with it, she was like a sister to me.

OP posts:

AliasGrape · 21/11/2021 12:09

Was it over a breakup? I know I’ve had that happen where people seem to prize ‘staying out of it’ and being neutral above actually standing up for a friend who has quite clearly been treated very badly. It happened to me in the past where what my ex did was despicable, everyone was very quick to say so to my face, but they also all felt they needed to be neutral and I was very careful not to upset anyone or make them feel they had to choose. I look back and think fuck that, bloody choose and choose right haha.

Anyway, since she asked, I would probably reply. The example is good I think, although the ‘we just have different values’ thing is going by to probably provoke a response/ drama because it just inherently sounds like ‘and my values are better than yours’ - which may well be true but as you said you didn’t want any more drama I’d be tempted to leave it out. I’d say something like

‘Hi X, you’re right that I’ve pulled back from our friendship, which did mean an awful lot to me, but I got the impression that was mutual and there was distance on both sides. I’ll be honest and say I was very hurt by the Y situation and I felt quite unsupported by you especially that you didn’t stand up for me and even said Z yourself which was untrue/unfair/added to the hurt. It’s all in the past now and, whilst I have been really hurt, I’m focusing on a positive drama free future and genuinely wish you well too.’

spotcheck · 21/11/2021 12:16

Who was it ( to her) who was gossiping about you?
Do you know the whole story? Is it possible that there are aspects of the situation which you don't know, and may have changed your friends position?

How do you know she was on the fence? Is that hear say too, or do you know it for a fact?

I've had two good friends fall out, and I was put in the middle. I chose to stay neutral ( even though I really disagreed with one person's behaviour). Eventually I had to 'pick a side'. It sucked.

ILoveHuskies · 21/11/2021 12:21

@OliviaBean

I've been here too

I had this about ten years ago. Best friend ghosted me as she had a horrible controlling husband, who was also a sleazy perv and was chatting up other women etc. He hated me because I had the measure of him. When he tried his sleazy tricks on a friend of mine I felt I had to tell her however it was me she cut off

I still miss her sometimes

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 21/11/2021 12:31

I think ghosting is shit and everyone deserves an explanation. Even if you offer your explanation then dont reply to any follow up messages. You've explained your POV, the other person knows they've been awful, move on.

makelovenotpetrol · 21/11/2021 12:40

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I think it depends though. For example I didn't get anywhere with the two people in question, repeatedly asking and explaining what I needed them to do. Which they ignored and continued to then knowingly upset me. At that point yes, I ghosted both of them - because what else could I do?

Yes I think ghosting as a first thing to do isn't nice but if you've tried to explain and still are ignored then it sometimes the only option!

ILoveHuskies · 21/11/2021 13:00

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Agree

ILoveHuskies · 21/11/2021 13:00

@makelovenotpetrol sounds like you tried to explain though - not your fault they couldn't or wouldn't accept or understand it 💐

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