How do you keep your adult sons close ?

[RecentYears]

I mean in that you see them now and again, share a meal and know a bit about their lives. I have no interest in being his best friend

I'm trying very hard not to mind but I do.

20yo DS1 lives at home but has a very serious GF so is rarely here, except on the nights she stays over, when they get in late, go to bed and stay there until I've gone out in the morning.

In six months I've only met her a handful of times to have an actual conversation with. She's nice and she's making him happy, it's all good.

However, they spend loads of time at her house, his parents are lively characters and he's enjoying being part of this big lively family. Her father tagged him in some FB photos last night. They were playing party games after dinner, something he wouldn't want to join in with if I suggested it.

There's only me and practically reclusive DS2 at home. DH died this year. I get it's not as much fun, I understand why they'd prefer to be elsewhere, but this is really hurting me.

I know I can't set up a "competition" between us, I'd lose and rightly so, but what can I do to avoid losing my son completely?

Hi, he is exploring new ways of being part of a family. Its now time for you to get involved if you can, suggest you have her parents over for dinner or go for pizza and bowling with them?
Maybe try to find out more about her, then you could have a conversation about whatever it is- a really easy way would be to start having brunchy breakfasts that they could join into, bacon, pancakes etc,make it a bit special, its casual and convenient if they want to go downstairs and eat with you.
Then maybe progress to bowling, pizza?
Im.sorry for your DH not being here, that makes it harder for you. I hope you are doing ok.

Op have you posted about this before?
If not there is another poster who also needs sadly lost dh and is struggling with a son preferring the other home.

It's an extremely tricky and delicate situation.
Your son has had a huge loss in his life and I guess the novelty of the family, bubbly etc is taking his mind off his loss.
But your also grieving and left at home.
Can you suggest a game one night? Try and make it fun?

Make a huge effort with the girlfriend is my advice, and any girlfriends/wives in the future. Her family sound nice and it's good for him to have a male role model.

@Naughtynovembertree

Op have you posted about this before? If not there is another poster who also needs sadly lost dh and is struggling with a son preferring the other home.

It's an extremely tricky and delicate situation.
Your son has had a huge loss in his life and I guess the novelty of the family, bubbly etc is taking his mind off his loss.
But your also grieving and left at home.
Can you suggest a game one night? Try and make it fun?

It's sadly not an unusual situation.

I personally know 4 men in their 50s who've died in the last 2 years (because that's my peer group), leaving children of a similar age. I've read a bit about it actually. Average life expectancy for men is c.81 but actually, if they survive their 50s it's much higher than that.

I would also stop looking at things like you might loose your son as pp said its perfect natural for him to be exploring.
I would look at jazzing things up a little at home.

Being flexible and adaptable.

Haven't been in this situation so this is only a suggestion and I'd agree with what PPs have said. If they are the fun, cosy, family board games family, could you be the fun days/nights out family? My in laws were a cosy nuclear family and I enjoyed being part of that when DH and I were dating, but it was also q claustrophobic and I did enjoy the dinners at naice restaurant, shopping trips with my mum and sis.

I would specifically invite him and his girlfriend or dinner rather than just having them over, ask him to ask her if there is something that they might enjoy together. As his dad died this year then he might also feel sad that is dad is not at home. If you aren't sure then maybe ask your other son if he can think of something that works together, especially as they are close. Losing a partner or a parent is always difficult and people handle it differently, he might be avoiding being at home in a more family situation as it reminds him his dad is no longer there, which will take him time to get used to.

They were playing party games after dinner, something he wouldn't want to join in with if I suggested it

That's teens/young twenties, though, isn't it? Other people's families and your friend groups are always more fun than your own family. It's hurtful, but it's a phase - and an important part of development. The only way you will lose him is if you make him feel guilty for the natural and necessary process of separating emotionally from his birth family, in order to start adulthood. Once he has established himself as an adult, he will come back.

In your family's case, your DS probably also needs some distance from the sad loss of his father. Again, it feels hurtful, but he is not rejecting you; he is trying to heal from the recent bereavement.

I agree with @MatildaIThink's suggestion of taking DS1 and his gf out and doing something fun with them.

I think they, too, need to make a little more effort. I’d be embarrassed to stay in someone’s house who I’d only met a handful of times. Would be nice if they could pop down in the morning and have a cup of tea or breakfast with you before you leave.

I don’t think you need to do anything necessarily. I definitely don’t think you should pressure on yourself to ‘jazz’ things up at home. You will all be in a period of readjustment and grieving. Your son is probably finding a bit of relief in being in a different home where he doesn’t have memories of his dad at the moment. Doesn’t mean it’ll be forever. As a teen I spent much more time at a friend’s house and joined in with far more there than at home. Once I went to uni and came back again though I threw myself into things at home once more. It was a natural period of detachment I needed to go through. I would just continue providing a comfortable quiet place and not bothering them too much. They might appreciate being able to retreat to a quieter house from time to time!

I've been trying to think of things we could do together, but they all feel a bit naff, like I'd be playing gooseberry, in a way that it wouldn't if I was a couple or larger family group.

@GodspeedJune

I think they, too, need to make a little more effort. I’d be embarrassed to stay in someone’s house who I’d only met a handful of times. Would be nice if they could pop down in the morning and have a cup of tea or breakfast with you before you leave.

I agree! But I can't insist or even tell them that's what I want without coming across as needy? And TBH I doubt it would happen if I did say that, they'd just stay at hers even more.

l am a widowed parent of eight years to two sons age 16 and 20, my eldest has an Italian girlfriend who is from a very large family, but l kind of celebrate the fact she makes him so happy and he is moving on towards next stage of his life, much better than just moping

and lonely in his room. l have absolutely no fear of losing him, but l know and accept fully our relationship is changing, evolving and thats how it should be.
These last few years feel like they have been mostly focused on my sons, so it gives me more time and space for myself, which l am enjoying, and my youngest is still around alot.
l can understand fully the dynamics within your family have changed vastly, but a mother and son bond runs very deep and is often unbreakable, my sons girlfriend literally lived here in the early days and to be honest, as much as l am fond of her, it did feel abit suffocating at times, so at least you dont have that issue.

I have a ds 19 and a ds 15. I get on well with ds1’s girlfriend and housemates as well. I guess having been a single mum for nearly a decade the dynamic has always been just us, and we’re really close. I’m also quite a bit younger than the other mums, so maybe more relatable? One thing I do make sure is to treat them all like adults, which I do think helps. And not judging even if I don’t always agree with their decisions. In your shoes I’d make an effort to get to know his girlfriend better, and if she feels more comfortable with you, that might make them both happier to hang out with you?

I understand this must really hurt given the circumstances but I don't think there's a huge amount you can do. I personally wouldn't be trying to make yourself or your home more exciting or invite them bowling or anything like that. Your DS is finding connections away from the home and its a perfectly natural part of growing up. All you can do is be there, even if it's in the background. He knows you're there, he knows you love him and eventually he'll come back and reconnect with you, he'll appreciate the quiet, constant reassurance that you give him by just being there when he needs you.

DH is close to his Mum and family, as am I.
Part of the reason we are close is because his mum has always been welcoming, I will see her independent of DH, and neither her or I are interested in the sort of petty point scoring that I've seen on here (eg. Wife's family have to be priority, have to be given information first, demand boyfriend puts partner first and has her on a pedestal over his family).

I also think that it's easier to remain close with sons if both mum and son's partner are willing to challenge the stupid idea that a son is a son until he finds a wife but a daughter is yours for life. That sort of mindset is rife but I often wonder if it affects mum/son relationships. Once either mum/girlfriend views it as a competition it doesn't matter how reasonable the other is, the relationship is probably going to be strained.

@RecentYears

I've been trying to think of things we could do together, but they all feel a bit naff, like I'd be playing gooseberry, in a way that it wouldn't if I was a couple or larger family group.

Of course they will feel awkward but the more casual you make it the better it is. Does he have friends whose parents you know? If so invite them for christmas drinks and start from there. He is exploring and this is his way of maintaining distance from grief and also separating from you. This is normal stuff so he has to do it. He still loves you I promise!

That sounds really tough. I'm very sorry about your loss

Young adults naturally want to spread their wings and fly the childhood nest and in my experience they don't really 'get' the heart-wrench for those they leave behind. I look back on myself moving abroad at the age of 22 as an only child happily announcing to my parents that I wouldn't come home for Christmas for many years. I only really understood how they felt when ds1 did exactly the same at the same age!

I'd agree with PPs that you invite ds and his girlfriend to join you on a few 'things' (e.g. help with a big household task followed by a meal, or a walk in the country, or going to see a film). If ds and his gf don't join in then be honest with your ds - you're adjusting to losing your dh and you're lonely. You'd like to get to know gf a bit more and enjoy their company.

It's so hard, I'm not sure what I'd do in this situation.
I live with my adult DS and Dil - granny annexe even though I still work.
My DS is my only child and DiL has no family, they are all dead and because we are such a small family unit we decided it would be nice if we all lived together.
I think I would just be gracious and go with the flow, make it known you really love him and just wait.
He is still very young and will eventually come to realise how important his mum is much like my DS.

The awful part is I'd been looking forward to this phase, more time with the house to ourselves. DH and I had even planned our first Christmas alone, accepting that DSs would be with ILs sometimes. I just never expected to be doing it alone.

When they stay over make breakfast for them? Keep it simple, don’t do something out of the ordinary as such. Or Maybe suggest going to theatre at Christmas and tickets for you all…

I agree with whoever said this may be his way of grieving as well. It's not fair, but he probably associates your house and you with that loss. I say this as a widow myself. I would actually be very happy if my children were able to form good stable relationships after the upset/trauma of their dad's death, so if you can bear it, see that as a positive. Mine don't have that but I hope in time they will. He might be a tiny bit immature as well in not realising or shying away from the fact you need a bit of support too. It's easier to form this new life than face the old one without his dad. I don't think that it will be always like this though.

Just be there, just be his mum. Send him the odd text without too much expectation. Be welcoming. Chat to the girlfriend.

I know it's early days for you, but also think about how you can live a good life again which won't be dependent on your sons for company or laughter or enjoyment, then if you have that it's a bonus. I know it's easy to type that, and harder to live it. I'm not saying don't grieve, I'm not saying go out and party, I'm saying slowly and steadily perhaps reach out to others, join anything going, socialize if asked, so that your life is going to be full in a few years whether they are there or move to the other side of the world for some person they meet! Hard to do in practice, but worth it I think.

I totally get this though, you must feel like a hotel and whilst this is very common at this stage, it's difficult not to take this personally especially if you were close during any illness/death, and then it's like they are gone. But it is part of a natural stage at this point for him.

I think I used the wrong terminalplogy there with jazz things up.
I guess I'm projecting my own experience with dh family who are extreme.
Mine were much more relaxed, shoes on, help yourself, lots of chatting... Buzz.. Flow of conversation, usually the radio on or music.. Spontaneous let's go out etc.

Dh family, we are watched at the door whilst we remove our shoes, led to the kitchen table to sit whilst dh is again offered tea or coffee, neither of which be drinks.
Sevred cake. Neither of us would dream of wandering around, helping ourselves to a drink.. Wandering into the living room or picking up a magazine to read. We are never asked what we want to or like but each visit we are made to sit through some mini lecture on something.

It's silent, they are not conversational, it's quite stressful.. Years and years ago when I stayed over with dh, dh wasn't allowed to make breakfast for me we had to sit with Mil be served and told off about drips.
In the end I begged for us to go out for breakfast because I couldn't bear the silence etc and formality.
So sorry op when I say jazz things up I mean warm things up... But I'm projecting and assuming they arnt warm already.
Make sure it's an easy environment for them to be in.

@RecentYears

I've been trying to think of things we could do together, but they all feel a bit naff, like I'd be playing gooseberry, in a way that it wouldn't if I was a couple or larger family group.

I don't think it would be like that, I think both he and his girlfriend would probably appreciate making the effort, even at 20 it is still easy to feel uncomfortable about introducing a new partner to family. Once the ice is properly broken I am sure it will be comfortable for everyone.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your grief will compound all these feelings.
All you can do is be welcoming and friendly when they are both at yours.
What he’s going through is natural and he probably wants to escape his own grief. He will be back