How do you keep your adult sons close ?

[RecentYears]

I mean in that you see them now and again, share a meal and know a bit about their lives. I have no interest in being his best friend

I'm trying very hard not to mind but I do.

20yo DS1 lives at home but has a very serious GF so is rarely here, except on the nights she stays over, when they get in late, go to bed and stay there until I've gone out in the morning.

In six months I've only met her a handful of times to have an actual conversation with. She's nice and she's making him happy, it's all good.

However, they spend loads of time at her house, his parents are lively characters and he's enjoying being part of this big lively family. Her father tagged him in some FB photos last night. They were playing party games after dinner, something he wouldn't want to join in with if I suggested it.

There's only me and practically reclusive DS2 at home. DH died this year. I get it's not as much fun, I understand why they'd prefer to be elsewhere, but this is really hurting me.

I know I can't set up a "competition" between us, I'd lose and rightly so, but what can I do to avoid losing my son completely?

Instead of preparing social time, how about involving them in projects or car journeys?

If there's a purpose to the time spent together, it can take the pressure off. Get them to help with decorating, or ask them to chum you in the car to ikea or whatever.

Thinking of my dad, I adore him and love his jokes and wise chat. But honestly, we never ever meet for coffee or pop in and visit each other. If I need a lift though, he's right there and we have a brilliant car chat.

I remember going to the supermarket with my mum when I was a student and having a right laugh, but if she'd asked me to sit with her after tea in the evening it would have felt forced and awkward.

You really do need to be reflective, rather than thinking then rude, perhaps wonder why they are avoiding you.

His gf could be incredibly shy?
As I said with own in laws it's excruciating having to be around them and now, after 18 years I don't bother at all!

It's OK sticking rigedly to what you know, what you do, how you do things but others don't have to like it and can choose to do things another way. I only say this because you have jumped on the post that says they are rude.
You won't get anywhere thinking that.

Once you've been reflective, tried different things... Met them half way, then call me them rude but not before.

My Mil would say she's an amazing host, she won't see herself as overbearing, controlling, paranoid about us damaging things etc
She will see herself as amazing for coking us cake (dry and plain her taste not ours) she will think she's amazing for serving us tea.

Dh on the other hand would rather he could just feel at home and natural and move around and be asked things not told etc.

DS 18 has had a girlfriend for the last 6 months and it definitely has changed the dynamic within our own home. He spends alot of time out with her and around her house, and since he got a car spends even less time at home. He goes to school and works too so has a fairly full schedule. I'm happy for him though, because he was really miserable during lockdowns and stayed in his room most of the time just talking to his friends and gaming. It really wasn't great for his mental health and I know he was quite lonely.

I'm not bothered about getting to know his girlfriends family as they've only been together 6 months, but I'm making sure to schedule some time with him now and again. Even a normal family meal at home has to be planned these days as he's normally working evenings, but we try to fit one in occasionally. We still plan family days out (just not very often). For example he's coming to the Christmas markets with us, but he'll also go another time with his girlfriend. He's taking his younger sister to see the Christmas lights next week just the two of them. I suppose for now its like he's juggling two sets of families and that'll change next year once he moves out to go to university. We just have to do what we can while he's still living at home. Hopefully then when he moves out he'll still want to come home and see us occasionally!

You really do need to be reflective, rather than thinking then rude, perhaps wonder why they are avoiding you

Bloody hell @Naughtynovembertree what a callous and uncalled for remark. The OP only lost her DH this year and nowhere in any of her posts has she called anybody rude. In fact every comment about the gf has been warm and positive. Wtf did you read?

In fact everything she's posted has been reflective and shows self awareness and generosity.

Unlike your post.

@Haffdonga

Op has jumped on the poster who said she feels her son and gf are rude.
This is how op is feeling.
Op can go down that route, do you believe she will bring them closer if she does?
Op herself knows she will drive them away.

What is the end goal here!

Having a lonely life whilst "feeling" sidelined as your son spends all his time with hid in laws or... Really deeply being self reflective, asking one's self difficult questions and trying to balanced when getting to the bottom of why they don't come down stairs, why they don't hang out with her.

It could literally be because they spend joint times with her family and get peace at ops and nothing to do with her?
It could be anything... I suspect its likely to be a mix of most things mentioned on this thread.

@RecentYears

I've been trying to think of things we could do together, but they all feel a bit naff, like I'd be playing gooseberry, in a way that it wouldn't if I was a couple or larger family group.

Book a meal out, so then you can all chat for a short-ish fixed time and get to know the girlfriend better....

I'd be treating them, you can pick cheaper or more expensive places.

Then as you get to know (her) you can do a trip to the theatre or something she'd enjoy that your ds maybe wouldn't.

I try to book time with my DS, a movie, lunch out. I'm sure once the glow of being in a noisy family wears off he will once again focus on you.

I have 3 adult sons, aged 22, 20 and 19. They all live at home. Eldest works shifts and I wfh so I do see him around a bit in the day and whilst he rarely eats with us he likes a chat and I know what's going on in his life. DS2 is similar, he rarely brings girlfriends back and is out a lot but likes to chat and eats with us every day. Ds3 is quiet and shares very little unless questioned. When his gf is home ( currently away at Uni ) they are pretty much always at her house for whole weekends etc. they have been together since early 2019 and she has been here for one meal and I have spoken to her a handful of times, but don't really know her. DD is only 16 but I hope when she starts having a bf, he is not round here all the time !!

@RecentYears

The awful part is I'd been looking forward to this phase, more time with the house to ourselves. DH and I had even planned our first Christmas alone, accepting that DSs would be with ILs sometimes. I just never expected to be doing it alone.

I'm so sorry, @RecentYears. Quite apart from your relationship with your son, you've been having a horrifically difficult time, and I don't think you should put extra pressure on yourself to be Kerraaazy Fun Mum at this time, because you feel you need to compete. And it may well be to do with your son's own grief and him finding it difficult to be at home without his father, and knowing you're grieving too. Be kind to yourself.

My son is an adult and lives with his DP. I think of her as my dil and she's lovely. I see them at least once a week but my son and I Whatsapp each other late at night. We have interesting "talks" and keep up with each others' lives. Actually I do the same with my dil but with her it tends to be during the day.

Communication doesn't have to be across the dinner table and for the young it very often isn't. All three of us swap pix and jokes, comments and can spend up to about half an hour messaging. Be prepared for closeness to be different and perhaps not what you might have envisaged but I really do feel close to both of them. I know their hopes and dreams, and they know mine. We know each others difficulties and offer solutions and help.

Communication takes many forms these days.

You haven’t lost him. Just be yourself and he will be back. Particularly when he has children of his own. Keep things light and no pressure, Make it easy for him to drift in and out and when he needs you more he will find it easy to return.