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Original poster

How do you get your head around the fact that some people are just awful?

32 replies

Moonbabby · 18/11/2021 07:02

TL:DR - turns out my in-laws are just total **s (choose your own favourite descriptor) and happy to be so.

I’ve always held the faith that everyone is basically good, but that sometimes circumstances and experiences lead them to do bad things. But that by being kind and positive, you can always see the best in people.

But after 14 years with my in-laws, I am forced to concede defeat. They are awful, nasty, narcissistic people. I always thought my MIL maybe wasn’t always like this, maybe years of controlling abuse from FIL turned her this way. But I don’t think that’s right either. She relishes abuse too so they’re probably just a match made for each other.

I know they gave my DH an emotionally and physically abusive childhood. He was still in their grip of terror when we met. Now, 14 years later, he’s not. A truly loving relationship, having our children and realising that his childhood wasn’t normal, has lead to him gradually moving from having his neck under their feet.

This of course is my fault. I am the devil who has brainwashed their son out of his FOG. I have nevertheless tried so SO hard to show them that this is not the case. That I’m a nice person. That we can all get along and it will be so much better.

I was told last night that they don’t want to get along. They are not our friends. They are our elders and we should do as they say. The fact that we don’t is base treachery and a sign of my evil influence. Etc.

I give in. But I really struggle to accept that there are such people. I’ve always pitied them, always felt sorry for them having such awful relationships with their children. FIL was an orphan and I’ve always felt sorry for him and that maybe he didn’t know how to parent. That they want to get along with us but just don’t know how. But I really don’t believe that any more. I’m a fixer, and I struggle with the idea that I can’t fix this, and that they’re just nasty.

Anyway sorry for the long post…it was cathartic to write anyway :)

OP posts:
Siriisatwat · 18/11/2021 07:08

There are a lot of people in this world who are just absolute shits, and I think the earlier you realise that in life, the easier it is.

Also, no one is worthy for a second of my time if I don’t want to give it. I don’t do guilt/emotional blackmail/but they are faaaaaaamily like some people do, so that helps me no end.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 18/11/2021 07:15

Yes it's a tough lesson to learn but it takes the pressure off you in the long run.
My ex has no redeeming features, and I'm sad for my ds . I've really tried to see the good in him even since we've split , but he's rotten to the core

Now I've come to terms with that it's strangely liberating .
Don't waste any more head space on these people is my advice.

MauraandLaura · 18/11/2021 07:19

Cut them out.

You can not do anything about their behaviour but you can take your self out of the situation.

You do not have to have a relationship with them.

SleighBells21 · 18/11/2021 07:21

Cut them out.

Best thing I've done (not in-laws but toxic friends)

spotcheck · 18/11/2021 07:23

Why did you want to be friends with and ingratiate yourself to people who abused your husband?

LadyCampanulaTottington · 18/11/2021 07:24

My mother. She’s a classic narcissist and made our lives hell. All of us are trying to deal with our trauma in our own way. It’s frustrates me that I have spent all my life a gibbering anxious mess because of her.

I am doing Somatic Experience therapy to try to reset my poor fried nervous system. I am exhausted battling trauma reactions left, right and centre.

I have emotional zero contact, grey rock works for me. I have very low contact with her as do the rest of my siblings. I used to feel guilty, now I no longer care.

Original poster
Moonbabby · 18/11/2021 07:27

Yes it's a tough lesson to learn but it takes the pressure off you in the long run.

Yes this is exactly it. I feel free. A bit gutted - but free!
I have put so much effort and energy into worrying about this. Thinking it’s me, thinking if I make that bit more effort, if I play the long game, really prove myself, be helpful etc etc then one day they will realise that I’m actually not the devil.

Some of the things they said to me yesterday are truly unforgivable and I don’t even want to repeat them.

Unfortunately we live next door. This will be changing but if we move now we take a massive hit financially for various reasons. If we are clever about it and wait a year it will be worth it. In the meantime, they just won’t exist to me. I feel so sad about it - but so free!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbabby · 18/11/2021 07:28

@spotcheck

Why did you want to be friends with and ingratiate yourself to people who abused your husband?
Who knows!? Fear, obligation and guilt? Believing they’d changed? Because he really wanted us all to get along?

Either way I’m glad I tried. I will never wonder if it’s me now - I KNOW it’s them, and importantly so does he now.

OP posts:
senorafridgidaire · 18/11/2021 07:32

Someone I work with is just an awful human. She lies, she's lazy, self important, mouthy, unsupportive of her colleagues, just horrible.
All fronted off with a facade of sugary OTT niceness which you can tell is false from a mile off.

I don't think I've ever met anyone I just outright dislike so much, ever.

coodawoodashooda · 18/11/2021 07:37

@MauraandLaura

Cut them out.

You can not do anything about their behaviour but you can take your self out of the situation.

You do not have to have a relationship with them.

Yes. It's really disappointing though
OperationDessertStorm · 18/11/2021 07:42

My MIL is loved by many but has been a manipulative nightmare to me (with the double whammy that she’s great with others so they dont believe it). I can’t believe I tried so hard - she’s been much better since I gave up!

I’ve had periods in my life where people seem compelled to say something deliberately upsetting or mean to get a reaction or to wind me up. I still find this so hard to be honest. It sounds like you are doing pretty well by feeling sorry for these people and recognising it’s not you - I think that takes the punch out of it.

cookiemonster2468 · 18/11/2021 07:43

All the things you say - that people do bad things because of experiences they have had and the way they have been treated in life, etc - that is all probably true.

But it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to deal with those people, who are the results of their experiences/ journey through life. Personalities become very much ingrained and hard wired, and people will not/ can not change until they decide they want to.

You don't have to make excuses for them. You can still be compassionate whilst accepting you cannot change them or how they see the world - that is the result of an entire lifetime for them - there is no way you can undo that. You will just suffer the same abuse as your husband.

Just protect yourself and your family, and keep away from them. It's a hard lesson, but yes, some people are just horrible. It might be the result of various experiences etc. - but they are still horrible, and you can't always do anything about it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/11/2021 07:52

Blimey how did you end up living next door to them Shock

Howshouldibehave · 18/11/2021 07:56

They are our elders and we should do as they say

Did they actually say that-wow.

Did MIL do whatever her parents told her throughout her adult years??

Original poster
Moonbabby · 18/11/2021 07:59

Did they actually say that-wow.

They actually did. Along with ‘my Mil was awful to me, it’s my turn to be in charge now.’ Then FIL ‘yes, it’s not fair on MIL, you should do as she says, as she had to when she was a young wife. This is the way of things.’

Family businesses…..nuff said!

OP posts:
ShowMeHow · 18/11/2021 08:08

I think cookie monster has it here.

I’d add it’s not personal so please don’t exhaust yourself trying to prove to them that you are nice your husband knows who you are to him and that’s the important thing.

Also the suggestion for having compassion for them is interesting as it might help you cope. It doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you. By repeatedly trying you have repeated getting hurt.

Having said that keep your expectation of a happy relaxed outcome low I think.

But - oh no - you live next door? 😳

Siriisatwat · 18/11/2021 08:12

They are our elders and we should do as they say

Oh I hate this.

I know we learn though experiences. as we get older and can pass on advice, but the attitude of “we are older and more experienced so we know best all the time” is just madness.

My ds is now 19 and I actually learn things and new points of view from discussions with him.

Just because i’m in my 40s doesn’t automatically mean I know better than him on everything.

janedani · 18/11/2021 08:14

This is very similar to my husbands parents. We have been married for 15 years and have 3 children.
My mil always making comments that they are second best compared to my parents, when I've always tried to make sure we see them once a week and my husband goes once a week to see them on his own. But they are never happy! They never initiate meeting up or having grandkids. As a child my husband never saw another kid until he started school and his parents dont have any hobbies or any friends. I always felt sorry for them and continued to see them but the number of comments I had for bringing my children up differently lots of clubs, play dates ect as well as judging my hobbies and housekeeping skills- MIL just got too much and for the last 3 years we havnt been in touch. It's something that really upsets me but I believe we couldn't of tried any harder to get on and include them in our childtens lives.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/11/2021 08:20

You live next door Shock

I had WEIRD neighbours and just knew they would cause trouble if they thought i saw selling. My advice is...

  1. Do not pay for / insist upon no signage(ie square plaque on wooden post) when your house is for sale.
  2. Tell the EA you will show all buyers around so you dont attract attention by having EAs lingering outside your house.

We did this and it worked perfectly.
I didnt even see the loons them when moving out but one of them caught my DH on the stairs. Their face was a combo of shock and anger Grin

Fr0thandBubble · 18/11/2021 08:58

I have similar inlaws OP and I completely get what you mean. It’s hard to reconcile yourself to that fact that some people are just awful and that it’s nothing that you did or didn’t do.

The example I always think of is that awful woman who went up to a friendly cat in the street, pet it for a bit and then picked it up by the scruff of the neck, dropped it in a wheelie bin, closed the lid and walked off. (Unfortunately for her she was caught on CCTV and the cat was found in the bin the next day, and her name and photo were splashed all over the papers.) There are obviously bigger villains in the world so I don’t know why she sticks in my mind, but to me it serves as a clear example that there are some people who are just bad human beings; who get pleasure from making other people suffer.

There’s no rationalising it, there’s nothing you can do to change them and there’s no point in pointing out to them that what they are doing is hurting you (they know; that’s why they do it). The key is to break away from them not just physically but mentally as well - don’t let them occupy your thoughts.

NC938738953685 · 18/11/2021 09:15

I think where there is a family business involved that can complicate things and cause further enmeshment of family members.

KrispyKale · 18/11/2021 09:32

You can still pity them. You just will be under no illusions going forward that you or anyone else can save them / make it right for your DH.

KrispyKale · 18/11/2021 09:38

Other people have had traumatic childhoods with losses and aren't awful to their own families so it should not imo be used as an excuse. ime two ofy lovliest family members had awful experiences young but came through it to be extra empathetic.
Though it can help in explaining where the person's issues come from; if you are prone to self- blame that's useful.

Original poster
Moonbabby · 18/11/2021 12:19

there’s no point in pointing out to them that what they are doing is hurting you (they know; that’s why they do it).

This has been a hard one to accept. I always maintained that they mustn’t realise just how hurtful their actions were. But they did/do, you’re right - that’s why they did it!

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 18/11/2021 12:24

@Moonbabby

there’s no point in pointing out to them that what they are doing is hurting you (they know; that’s why they do it).

This has been a hard one to accept. I always maintained that they mustn’t realise just how hurtful their actions were. But they did/do, you’re right - that’s why they did it!

They also enjoy it.