TL:DR - turns out my in-laws are just total **s (choose your own favourite descriptor) and happy to be so.
I’ve always held the faith that everyone is basically good, but that sometimes circumstances and experiences lead them to do bad things. But that by being kind and positive, you can always see the best in people.
But after 14 years with my in-laws, I am forced to concede defeat. They are awful, nasty, narcissistic people. I always thought my MIL maybe wasn’t always like this, maybe years of controlling abuse from FIL turned her this way. But I don’t think that’s right either. She relishes abuse too so they’re probably just a match made for each other.
I know they gave my DH an emotionally and physically abusive childhood. He was still in their grip of terror when we met. Now, 14 years later, he’s not. A truly loving relationship, having our children and realising that his childhood wasn’t normal, has lead to him gradually moving from having his neck under their feet.
This of course is my fault. I am the devil who has brainwashed their son out of his FOG. I have nevertheless tried so SO hard to show them that this is not the case. That I’m a nice person. That we can all get along and it will be so much better.
I was told last night that they don’t want to get along. They are not our friends. They are our elders and we should do as they say. The fact that we don’t is base treachery and a sign of my evil influence. Etc.
I give in. But I really struggle to accept that there are such people. I’ve always pitied them, always felt sorry for them having such awful relationships with their children. FIL was an orphan and I’ve always felt sorry for him and that maybe he didn’t know how to parent. That they want to get along with us but just don’t know how. But I really don’t believe that any more. I’m a fixer, and I struggle with the idea that I can’t fix this, and that they’re just nasty.
Anyway sorry for the long post…it was cathartic to write anyway :)