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Original poster

If you are NC with a parent... why?

38 replies

connectivityissues · 16/11/2021 21:42

I have Name changed for this post.

I've not seen or spoken to one of my parents since the Summer after I was informed they were no longer interested in me or my life (inc their grandkids). It has built up my entire life and there have been numerous fall outs over the years but this time feels final and different from before. I'm struggling with the decision as I feel I am grieving a parent that isn't "gone" as such, but I have spent the last almost year in therapy for anxiety I believe stems from my childhood and failed parental relationship so I feel this is the right decision for me and my mental health, and to shield my children from the toxic environment I grew up in.

If you are NC with a parent, why? (If you dont mind sharing) and do you ever think you will go back?

OP posts:
Pumpkinsonparade · 16/11/2021 21:48

I was nc with dm for 10 years. She flounced out of my house without explanation.. She didn't like my dh apparently.
I needed to know something for a legal matter so contacted her.. Managed 2 years
. Regretted it within a fortnight tbh. Tried to call dd's by different names as she didn't like my choices... Other things criticising my parenting

Been 9 years now. And won't be contacting her again.
I am now 50.

QuiteQuaint · 16/11/2021 22:03

I don’t speak to my parents and haven’t done for many, many years. My sister doesn’t speak to them either. My brother speaks to our mother but not our father. They were both abusive.

I will never speak to them again. I wish I had parents who cared, but over the years I’ve come to terms with everything and realise they are very messed up people and aren’t capable of being good parents. I spent years trying to make things ok but eventually realised that I couldn’t make them better people and I wanted a life that didn’t involve their fucked up ways.

chickendoodoo · 16/11/2021 22:08

Yes I am. My mother was a text book narcissist mother and alot of my confidence issues and how I let other people walk over me in the past stem from this. I had an awful incident involving my children in my parent's care (led to children's services involvement) and my 'mother' turned my entire family against us.

It hurts for a while but I too have counselling for trauma and it slowly gets better. I feel really free now and enough time has passed so it isn't raw anymore.

The whole blood is thicker than water is bs, sometimes you need to permanently walk away from toxic people but only you will understand and know when that time is in your gut feelings basically

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Families
Southernbellenot · 16/11/2021 22:15

Not spoke to my mother in 18 years.

My childhood was blighted by her mental health issues and generally she just wasn't a nice person.

Read toxic parents and carry on with the therapy.

Muttly · 16/11/2021 22:24

Not spoken to either in 4 years. Low level narcissism rather than full blown from both of them all my childhood. Then they found out about my brother abusing my sister and I and frankly their low level narcissism escalated to full blown.

No intention of ever speaking to them again.

Beamur · 16/11/2021 22:28

LC rather than NC with my Dad. Think this is highly unlikely to change as I am so much happier this way. Relationship has always been difficult, he puts himself first always and is unreliable and selfish. He treats me poorly and never takes any responsibility for his actions. However he also hates to be perceived as a bad father so regularly badgers me for contact.

Original poster
connectivityissues · 16/11/2021 22:47

@Pumpkinsonparade

I was nc with dm for 10 years. She flounced out of my house without explanation.. She didn't like my dh apparently. I needed to know something for a legal matter so contacted her.. Managed 2 years . Regretted it within a fortnight tbh. Tried to call dd's by different names as she didn't like my choices... Other things criticising my parenting

Been 9 years now. And won't be contacting her again.
I am now 50.

Similar here. Restarted contact in May but by July things had fallen apart again
OP posts:
Lovingtheglitter · 16/11/2021 22:49

I've not had any contact from my dad for roughly 20 years. He is an alcoholic and I was brought up in an abusive home. I had a lot of counselling and support and I'm in a much better place in every way and I do not regret having zero contact now. However I did struggle with a lot of guilt about not having any contact and that lasted for a few years. It feels like he has died in my head although I am aware that when he does die I will mourn him, but it will be for the df I wish I'd had and not the dad I had if that makes sense.

Original poster
connectivityissues · 16/11/2021 22:49

@chickendoodoo

Yes I am. My mother was a text book narcissist mother and alot of my confidence issues and how I let other people walk over me in the past stem from this. I had an awful incident involving my children in my parent's care (led to children's services involvement) and my 'mother' turned my entire family against us.

It hurts for a while but I too have counselling for trauma and it slowly gets better. I feel really free now and enough time has passed so it isn't raw anymore.

The whole blood is thicker than water is bs, sometimes you need to permanently walk away from toxic people but only you will understand and know when that time is in your gut feelings basically

Yes, textbook here too. I feel the same .. that alot of who I am/what I accept from others has been shaped by my experience with this parent. I finally feel free but it makes me feel sort of uncomfortable and alone. I do have an amazing Dh and 3 beautiful children but there's something about love from a parent that I feel I will crave and seek no matter what they do. I am seeking approval constantly and am trying to get over this.
OP posts:
Original poster
connectivityissues · 16/11/2021 22:50

@Southernbellenot

Not spoke to my mother in 18 years.

My childhood was blighted by her mental health issues and generally she just wasn't a nice person.

Read toxic parents and carry on with the therapy.

Thanks I will look it up x
OP posts:
Original poster
connectivityissues · 16/11/2021 22:50

@Lovingtheglitter

I've not had any contact from my dad for roughly 20 years. He is an alcoholic and I was brought up in an abusive home. I had a lot of counselling and support and I'm in a much better place in every way and I do not regret having zero contact now. However I did struggle with a lot of guilt about not having any contact and that lasted for a few years. It feels like he has died in my head although I am aware that when he does die I will mourn him, but it will be for the df I wish I'd had and not the dad I had if that makes sense.
Yes i relate to this. I've grieved for a parent who isn't actually dead... a strange feeling
OP posts:
Original poster
connectivityissues · 16/11/2021 22:54

Thanks to everyone who replied- i can relate to what alot of you have shared and appreciate now that others have felt what im feeling.

My counselling is helping me channel my feelings into become the parent I never had and wished I had, seeking better relationships with the kids and proving to myself (rather than anyone else) that I can be the best for them. That's what I'm going to focus on. What i have to gain from this rather than what I have lost.

But it still stings somehow, and there's an emptiness in knowing that apart from the family that I have made (i dont have many friends) I am otherwise alone in the world

OP posts:
HalfHope · 16/11/2021 23:09

NC for 5 1/2 years. Both parents flounced out during a visit. They live abroad and went home. Toxic marriage with accompanying poor behaviour - I had to intervene as they were upsetting my family. I don't expect to hear from them again. There was a brief flurry of will waving letters but I just ignored them. I've had to reassess my childhood because I'd normalised a lot of poor behaviour and scapegoating. Some daughters do 'ave 'em!

HalfHope · 16/11/2021 23:10

I'm with you connectivity - I feel a pang when I see extended families being happy together.

EnigmaCat · 16/11/2021 23:25

Decades, never really attached, various abuse and bullying etc. Just dropped out and never went back.
I couldn't see a way of making things better and was emotionally wrecked anyway.

Stinkyslippers · 16/11/2021 23:48

Narc mother
Enabling father
Flying monkey aunt
So many fleas-I still find it hard to trust

Sling in two narc brothers (gc) and one who is piss weak it was a real cocktail of crap

I simply got sick of being the scapegoat

fluffyblanketfeatherpillow · 17/11/2021 00:04

Didn't speak to my father for 27 years. He was a prize asshole of the very highest order. Divorced my mum while I was in Infant school. Lowlights included taking our pocket money to spend on his cigarettes and horses 'because you kids can start paying me back' and playing my siblings and myself off against each other. And the one time he insisted on turning up to a school play he was drunk. Absolutely steaming.

He died 2 years ago. Not only did I celebrate with DH by getting very drunk on some outrageously expensive vodka, I also made a very large, very anonymous donation to a charity that he would have absolutely hated.
Catharsis.

PiesNotGuys · 17/11/2021 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumblinginside · 17/11/2021 00:16

About a month. This happens a lot.
She fled put of the house in temper and crying as I said I had some work to do and turned on the laptop and dh took dc to their other grandparents (this is fairly usual and she's seen the grandkids a lot that week)

Constant temper tantrums. Put downs. Mocking everyone. Dramatic behaviour over non events. Centre of attention (eg my hen party she took ill in a&e and my father said she couldn't make it.. then came In about two hours later and danced the night away)
Yeah.. I've had it.

I don't know how to repair things sadly Sad
I don't think I want to

None of the rest of my family bother with me at all.

SecondSwitch · 17/11/2021 00:17

Found out in my 20s that not only was my abusive father actually my step father, he had also raped a 14 year old girl the night before I was born and my "dm" had not only known about it, but chose to hand me over to him on a plate and look the other way because he was well off and she would have had to get a job if she left him. Apparently I was to be grateful to her as it meant I got a private school education. Whole family are now utterly mystified as to why I won't allow them contact with me or my pre teen daughters.

safariboot · 17/11/2021 01:21

My father dumped my mother before I was born and has had nothing to do with me since I was a toddler. And I'm quite happy for it to stay that way. The last thing I want is him coming out of the woodwork some day.

shylatte · 17/11/2021 05:57

My dad remarried when I was 18 and she is/was incredibly manipulative and a compulsive liar. He made the decision that it was easier to dump me than her (she had an issue with me, and he's more worried about his money than his family) and I haven't seen him in over 20 years. He has never met my dc, although he lives less than 10 miles away and dc2 was extremely ill for several years. He has raised her grandchild though, which really hurts. I used to send him a text every so often just saying "hope you are keeping well" and he would read it, but completely ignore it. He has a good relationship with dB, and apparently complains to him that I don't make any effort with him Hmm. I've given up now and although I grieve the dad I would have liked, I realize it isn't him.

Wrenflutter · 17/11/2021 06:12

My DSis told me she had been abused by a family friend from a young age. She said she told our Mum growing up several times but she was called a liar. My mum was dead to me the second I heard that. I later found out my other sisters were also abused. My Mum could have stopped that. My DB is NC with our Mum. He believes the abuser would give our Mum money and pay for our holidays and day trips. It sickens me that the siblings that were abused do speak to her and I see them post photos on facebook of her playing the doting Granny. Aside from my DB the family think I am being unreasonable and act like what she did was no big deal.

Poeta · 17/11/2021 06:59

Mother is (was? No idea if she's alive or not) a selfish alcoholic abusive bitch, haven't spoken to her since I was 18/19. Father is equally an arsehole and he went nc with me when he remarried, because past children are such a chore when you have a shiny new family, never met them, fine for them to have him, can't imagine he's changed Hmm
At the beginning (it's been years) I was insanely angry at both and why couldn't I have a normal family, why do I have to be nc. But I'm at peace with it now and the anxiety of "what will she do next" melted away and life is so much better without her (and him) just because you're blood related doesn't mean you have to put up with abusive shit.

pastypirate · 17/11/2021 08:26

I was nc with my father for the last decade of his life. This resulted in me not being informed of his death by my cackling sister. I've been nc with her for 30 years.

I have been disinherited. It all sounds dire but it was worth it to stop him meeting my dds. I couldn't quite do it for myself but I could for them. Because fuck that shit.