If you are NC with a parent... why?

[connectivityissues]

I have Name changed for this post.

I've not seen or spoken to one of my parents since the Summer after I was informed they were no longer interested in me or my life (inc their grandkids). It has built up my entire life and there have been numerous fall outs over the years but this time feels final and different from before. I'm struggling with the decision as I feel I am grieving a parent that isn't "gone" as such, but I have spent the last almost year in therapy for anxiety I believe stems from my childhood and failed parental relationship so I feel this is the right decision for me and my mental health, and to shield my children from the toxic environment I grew up in.

If you are NC with a parent, why? (If you dont mind sharing) and do you ever think you will go back?

My parents are unpleasant people who treat me like I am not a human being. My childhood was awful. I grew up in a house where adults didn’t control their behaviour or emotions, so children had to be responsible for everything.

I spent my 20s trying to pretend I had a normal family and a good relationship with them. This drove me to a breakdown.

I started therapy and initially told my therapist I just needed to know why I was so shit, so I could stop being shit. I never want to feel like that again.

I wonder why you asked this? Is it because you want to feel less alone, or because you think your reason needs to somehow stack up against anyone else’s? It doesn’t. You and only you have the right to decide this.

I made the least-worst decision available to me. There is loss and grief. It does get easier, but it gets harder at times too. I won’t be going ‘back’, no. That doesn’t exist as a question any more.

Take care and go gently, OP.

Well he’s dead now but I was NC with my father.
He was a complete Narc who lied and stole and manipulated everyone he came into contact with. He did many many awful things but the final straw for me was when he took paperwork from my house to try and use in the divorce against my mum. It might not sound that bad but on top of everything else that was it.
My brother told me when he was dying but he used to claim that regularly when his creditors caught up with him so I didn’t visit him and he did die a couple of days later. I didn’t go to the funeral and have no regrets.
The thing is I didn’t hate him or anything like that, I just didn’t want him in my life - I was totally indifferent to him.

NC with father since I was 11 (my choice). I only saw him once a month before that anyway and was not allowed to stay with him overnight - court ordered. My parents divorced when I was 2, he was not a fit parent, he lived a criminal lifestyle involving drugs, fraud, burglary and numerous other stuff, he was always in and out of prison and went on to father 4 more children with 3 different women, none of whom he ever supported either emotionally or financially. He was not interested in being a father, I was never close to him and I did not enjoy visiting him so I stopped. I doubt he was heartbroken about it.

Never once regretted my decision 20 years on. I have a DS and I know my father would have been a poor influence on him.

I've gone NC with my dad recently. He's just a selfish arsehole really, plus a few traumatic childhood memories of him. Every time I spoke to him I'd end up angry. Much happier now so I plan to stick to it

@blackcatclub

My parents are unpleasant people who treat me like I am not a human being. My childhood was awful. I grew up in a house where adults didn’t control their behaviour or emotions, so children had to be responsible for everything.

I spent my 20s trying to pretend I had a normal family and a good relationship with them. This drove me to a breakdown.

I started therapy and initially told my therapist I just needed to know why I was so shit, so I could stop being shit. I never want to feel like that again.

I wonder why you asked this? Is it because you want to feel less alone, or because you think your reason needs to somehow stack up against anyone else’s? It doesn’t. You and only you have the right to decide this.

I made the least-worst decision available to me. There is loss and grief. It does get easier, but it gets harder at times too. I won’t be going ‘back’, no. That doesn’t exist as a question any more.

Take care and go gently, OP.

Thank you for your reply. I asked I suppose because yesterday the other parent started yet another conversation about how life is too short and I should try to make amends and I questioned myself again. I know my reasons are more than valid but my family has always been a "brush it under the carpet" type and they can be "forgetful" when I bring something up that happened and how it affected me. I feel now more than ever, that I have to protect the progress I have made in regards to my mental health. I've finally broken the cycle and am free from the emotional manipulation and abuse (and physical when I was young) and I can finally live my life for me instead of walking on eggshells all the time and being an anxious wreck. I just wondered if this is really final this time (which I believe it is) and I wondered how others knew it was "final" too.

I feel stronger again this morning. Waking up to my wee ones faces once again gave me the motivation to be the best I can for them, and be everything I never had in a parent.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to reply and share - love to you all. X

Sometimes going NC is the only sane thing to do. If they were willing to tackle problems, they would have done it at the time, instead of pretending nothing happened.
IME, they will either try to get you back into the fold or label you the black sheep; because the fact that one family member went NC is proof there's a problem in the family.

I've not had much to do with my parents since I was 21. My brother's the favourite and really needs their support quite alot. I've got on my life, university, good job in NHS, marriage, new baby, with no input or sense of "well done" from them. I don't have them around my home or go to theirs.
Their just cold u caring people who just constantly said how lovely their boy was and never wanted a girl it seems.

Look after yourself and do what's right for you. It's so hard I'm 32 and it still hurts around Xmas and birthdays but I don't want my little boy or wife around them causing upset. Enjoy your life and choose who you want around you to make it happy xx

Life is too short to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You are protecting yourself and your kids and breaking the cycle. You don’t need anyone else’s permission!

My situation seems similar OP: narcissist mother with periods of contact then not. Also disinterested in her grandchildren. I have had a dreadful two years and could do with her support but tbh, I have started to see her as she really is and I care far less about her attitude, whereas once it used to upset me.

I am about to go NC and I think it has to be forever. How do I do this? Do I announce it? We have this awful trite pattern of me sending a friendly text every morning.... Ugh.

Sorry to hear that OP.

I went nc with my mother when she ruined my wedding. She decided she wanted a cousin of mine to have a plus one after invitations went out to which I said no (we paid for our own wedding). Totally lost her mind and told all my extended family horrendous lies about me and DH. None of my family have spoken to me since or went to the wedding, it’s been 6 years since then.

Made contact with her 3 years ago as she had cancer, which she told me was my fault. Kept in touch throughout treatment and don’t really speak now. DF also nc due to mental health issues & alcoholism.

Emergency it might be easiest not to announce it in case there is a campaign to reel you back in. Just go very low contact and it will eventually be no contact.

Haven't spoken to my father in 15 years. He is a selfish nasty old man.

He had numerous affairs when I was a child. He walked out when I was around 5. But he kept coming back and promising me he would never go away again. He went away every time.

He walked past our garden every day with his most recent girlfriend and would ignore us if we were playing out and shouting to him.

He missed most visits. Me and my sibling could stand at the gate for hours taking bets on how many cars would drive past before we saw his! (We didn't see his)

He left my mum in an absolute fuckton of debt from taking out credit agreements. She was taken to court and had the money deducted from income support. We had £20 a week leftover for food and at least once the only way we had something to eat was if a neighbour had invited us for a play date.

He treated her appallingly. Called her fat and pathetic. Made her sleep on the floor downstairs because she wasn't good enough for his bed.

He got back in touch when we were teens and asked to see us. He hadn't changed. He had brought his new girlfriend and told us not to let slip to his wife.

Saw him on and off for a few years. Then I had a baby. I was invited to stay as long as I left the baby at home because he wanted us to go out drinking(I was BFing). I declined the invite. Then I was unable to travel to his home town to visit him as it was the same day as my graduation 400 miles away. After the barrage of abuse I got I cut him out.

Weirdly my sibling still has a relationship with him and visits regularly but then she is single and childless so can go out on the lash with him which seems to be his only founding basis for a relationship.

Phew! I actually feel better now I have got all that off my chest!!

@HalfHope

Emergency it might be easiest not to announce it in case there is a campaign to reel you back in. Just go very low contact and it will eventually be no contact.

Thank you Halfhope. It's mainly my M I have the issue with but F is an enabler. He will be asking about DS's sporting matches etc but hey. Even DH is finally on board!