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Original poster

If you’re in a LTR do you refer to your DP as husband/wife?

57 replies

TheShriekingShack · 16/11/2021 17:07

I have a close friend who keeps saying things like omg moving house, that was stressful we nearly got divorced! Or we argued so much putting up Ikea furniture i thought it’d end in divorce!

She has a house and 2DC with her DP so they are definitely committed but not married. I don’t think she’s secretly married as I think she’d take his name and want an engagement ring etc and she hasn’t got either.

I’m neither married nor in a long LTR so I thought I’d ask MN if this is a thing people do? Is it like saying you’re a common law wife thing?

OP posts:
Wilma55 · 17/11/2021 09:51

No but other people refer to "your husband" and I've given up correcting them.

sageandbasil · 17/11/2021 14:37

My friend refers to her bfs family as her in laws and calls him hubby. Winds me up so much they haven't even been together long

AllTheCakes · 17/11/2021 14:49

Someone I know has changed their surname on social media to that of their partners despite not being married. I can only assume they wanted the same name as their DC and that the marriage is wishful thinking. I know another woman who refers to their on off boyfriend as “hubby” too Envy

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Relationship problems
SpangoDweller · 17/11/2021 14:53

@StillWeRise

OTOH, does anyone else who is married refer to their spouse as a partner?
Yes, sometimes. I wouldn’t correct anyone who said ‘partner’ or ‘husband’, I don’t really mind which terms people use.

I will always use partner if I’m unsure of someone’s sexual orientation or relationship status, it’s just easier.

DarlingFell · 17/11/2021 18:14

@StillWeRise

OTOH, does anyone else who is married refer to their spouse as a partner?
No, he’s husband! Partner sounds.. shit!
DarlingFell · 17/11/2021 18:16

@sageandbasil

My friend refers to her bfs family as her in laws and calls him hubby. Winds me up so much they haven't even been together long
Winds you up?

You sound like a lovely friend 😂

Libertaire · 17/11/2021 18:25

We have been together for 20+ years and we don’t refer to one another as husband & wife because we’re not married. Marriage is fine for most people, but we are not ‘most people’ and we don’t want to be. I call him my partner or ‘better half’.

SarahAndQuack · 17/11/2021 19:06

@AllTheCakes

Someone I know has changed their surname on social media to that of their partners despite not being married. I can only assume they wanted the same name as their DC and that the marriage is wishful thinking. I know another woman who refers to their on off boyfriend as “hubby” too Envy
Changing your name to match a child's is quite convenient though. I did mine a couple of years back and DP's in the process of sorting her paperwork at the moment. I like it.
Bluntness100 · 17/11/2021 19:15

I find it very odd when people do this I don’t comprehend how it’s “easier” to say husband than partner or partners family than in laws. They are both quite simple words and phrases to pronounce in my view unless someone has additional needs.

There was a thread on here earlier where a woman was talking about her husband even though she clearly stated in the thread they were not married.

FenceSplinters · 17/11/2021 19:18

I call DP my partner, and I correct people when they call him my husband. I also correct him when he refers to me as ‘the missus’ 😡

bizboz · 17/11/2021 19:20

Sometimes, just because people sometimes make assumptions about the word partner - either that we are in a same sex relationship or that we are not in a very long-term relationship.

SarahAndQuack · 17/11/2021 19:20

@Bluntness100

I find it very odd when people do this I don’t comprehend how it’s “easier” to say husband than partner or partners family than in laws. They are both quite simple words and phrases to pronounce in my view unless someone has additional needs.

There was a thread on here earlier where a woman was talking about her husband even though she clearly stated in the thread they were not married.

You do inhabit a fascinatingly thin slice on the intellectual spectrum, don't you? So far above those with 'additional needs' who use these terms, and yet so unable to comprehend something so simple.
SaturdaySummer · 17/11/2021 19:27

@TheShriekingShack

I have a close friend who keeps saying things like omg moving house, that was stressful we nearly got divorced! Or we argued so much putting up Ikea furniture i thought it’d end in divorce!

She has a house and 2DC with her DP so they are definitely committed but not married. I don’t think she’s secretly married as I think she’d take his name and want an engagement ring etc and she hasn’t got either.

I’m neither married nor in a long LTR so I thought I’d ask MN if this is a thing people do? Is it like saying you’re a common law wife thing?

I really don't understand why people do this. It's just as easy to say boyfriend, partner etc. I used to work with someone who always referred to his wife and I asked about their wedding one time in conversation and it was only then that he said 'oh we're not actually married' I don't mean to sound horrible but I honestly felt it was a bit pathetic. If you want a proper husband or wife then why not just get married?
hotmeatymilk · 17/11/2021 19:42

I threaten DP with divorce quite frequently. Generally refer to wife/husband within the relationship, partner or boyfriend to other people. Not sure I care how other people use the terms, really.

ElephantandGrasshopper · 17/11/2021 21:16

We're in a civil partnership, I would say partner rather than husband, but I do say mother in law etc because it is more straightforward (and also seems like a more appropriate way to describe someone who I have known and liked for 20 plus years).

I can't get too worked up about the terms people use, language evolves over time. At the point in history that the words husband and wife came into use, was there actually a legal wedding ceremony, or was it the case that any long term cohabiting couple would have been referred to as married and therefore used husband and wife?

SarahAndQuack · 17/11/2021 21:22

'Wife' meant 'woman' long before it meant 'married woman'. Why you still have words like housewife and midwife (the woman of the house; the person who is with the woman in labour).

RosieGuacamosie · 17/11/2021 21:51

Surely it’s just odd though for people to pretend to other people that they’re more committed than they actually are?

stinkycheeseman · 17/11/2021 21:55

Sometimes, because if I say my partner, it implies it is not my children's dad. But if I say my children's dad, it implies we are no longer together.

stinkycheeseman · 17/11/2021 21:56

Obviously, if they dig deeper, I am happy to say I wasn't stupid enough to marry him. Wink

HerbErtlinger · 17/11/2021 21:59

Partner or other half. If people call him my husband (neighbour, teacher etc) I don't usually correct them though and I do share his surname so it's an easy mistake to make

TerribleCustomerCervix · 17/11/2021 22:09

@RosieGuacamosie

Surely it’s just odd though for people to pretend to other people that they’re more committed than they actually are?
I know what you mean, but people can still be committed without being married.

The pedant in me is just irritated that people are using words interchangeably that have very different meanings. I don’t think it’s helpful when there’s already so much misunderstanding about marriage just being a bit of paper, common law marriage etc.

TulipsGarden · 17/11/2021 22:11

I might say husband if someone else had already said it (e.g. workman, postal worker etc) and I didn't want to correct them. But otherwise we just use partner. I loathe 'other half' and 'better half'.

I do refer to his family as my in-laws, because it implies the long-term, close relationship we have better than 'my partner's mum'. We've been together over 15 years, child, shared mortgage, wills, life insurance, pensions etc, anyone suggesting it's not a committed relationship is a bit daft.

SomeLikeItTepid · 17/11/2021 22:19

20 years + relationship with my non-husband. Our DC have his surname and we have wills, mortgages, utilities etc in both our names so we are 'married' just without the paperwork. If anyone refers to him as my husband I don't correct them. TBH it'll be a shock to many people we know if we decide to get married as they already think we are!

TerribleCustomerCervix · 17/11/2021 22:23

@SomeLikeItTepid

20 years + relationship with my non-husband. Our DC have his surname and we have wills, mortgages, utilities etc in both our names so we are 'married' just without the paperwork. If anyone refers to him as my husband I don't correct them. TBH it'll be a shock to many people we know if we decide to get married as they already think we are!
But marriage = the paperwork.

Absolutely you can be just as committed without being married, but there’s no such thing as being “married without the paperwork”.

hotmeatymilk · 17/11/2021 22:26

Surely it’s just odd though for people to pretend to other people that they’re more committed than they actually are?
Hmm