Changing schools to a 'better' school when child is happy where they are

[ladybirdsaredotty]

DD2 is in Y3. She seems happy at school, has quite a few friends. She's always tired but that's just how she is.

I made the mistake of looking round schools recently (DS is due to start school in 2022). This has reminded me what schools can be like. I worry that, as sweet as the staff are and as lovely as it is for the younger years, her current school is a bit lacking in some ways: only tend to go on local school trips, don't really teach them actual PE (just seem to chuck a ball round a bit or play a fun game), don't have many facilities so things like cooking are quite rare, never do school plays except for a cute Christmas performance. It also got RI in the most recent Ofsted (from 'Good'), although that was over 3 years ago. The report mainly criticised them for not 'pushing' the brightest children. My kids are all bright. The school's results have also got worse (although of course no primaries have had results for the last 2 years) and are in the lowest category for maths. They've recently changed into an academy but without a crystal ball it's difficult to know how this will change things. They used to fill every Reception space but last year only filled half.

There is a space in Y3 at another local school. It's 'Outstanding,' and was also my first choice when choosing a school for DD1 (Y5 and adores current school, definitely won't be moving and there isn't a space for her anyway-she didn't get in in Reception).

However this other school is also CofE, and this is a big part of the school by all accounts. We are not religious and DP is quite adamantly against faith schools for primary. It is also very academic and the children do lots more homework than at the current school, and I don't think DD2 will be thrilled with this.

DP thinks moving DD2 would be 'disastrous' and that she can't really make a decision at 7. The school say we have to apply for the place and be offered it before she can look round (we have both already looked round on the usual parent tours, but we didn't bring her for various reasons). DD2 doesn't seem sure what to say when we talk to her about it-she originally said she 'might' want to move but then will say she doesn't want to look round. DP thinks she's sure about this but to me she pauses for ages and actually sounds quite unsure. I also think it's impossible for her to decide without even seeing the school, but also that if she sees it and likes it she can't accurately weigh that up with what she'll lose from leaving her current school.

Both schools are YR-Y6.

Thanks if you've got this far! I feel totally ambivalent about it and it's causing me a huge amount of stress and anxiety. DP has said he doesn't mind her looking around (although we'd have to apply for a place first) but I know he's quite against the whole thing so I feel massive pressure to get it right. Obviously if she moved then DS would hopefully go to the same school.

Please help. What would you do? Thanks

Sorry just to add: the 'other' school also have a really creative curriculum and just seem to DO so much more with the children (outside visitors, separate teachers for PE and music, more 'big' school trips).

I would definitely apply and ask her to look around. She may fall in love with it and then your decision is made. However, it is difficult to move a child into a year where friendships have already been made etc. (unless there is quite a turnover of pupils) and she may find the level of work a shock. You could end up with a very unhappy child which after the last two years would be a terrible shame. I would only send her if she was feeling very positive about the move.

@Grimbelina thank you

I think everything you said is entirely correct. I also think that if she doesn't look round I'll never really feel like she/we have properly made a decision and I can't really rest until that point. I think that's the crux of it really-I feel like we'd be turning down the place without her having much information to go on and I'll never know if she would have jumped at the chance.

I'm also terrified of her being unhappy, because like you say, the class she'd be moving into is already established. So even if she does love it, I'd feel sick at the thought of walking her out of a school where she's happy. Ugh I wish I didn't overthink everything!

I think it's a really hard place to be in... but do apply (you can always pull out) and encourage her to look around as you will be looking at secondary schools before too long so starting to think about what she would like from a school would be useful to her. One of my DC has moved schools twice before year 3 (couldn't be helped, house move and a new system) and it hasn't been easy, even though they were very positive about the changes as the first school wasn't great. The other thing to consider is how complicated girls and their friendships can be ever so young. If she doesn't 'own' the process and won't look then accept that... and maybe put your energy into trying to put more extra curricular things in place, theatre trips etc. to make up for the lack at her current school.

I wouldn’t, she’s happy. I’d make sure she went to a good secondary that was going to push her though. Trips, PE and cooking don’t really matter if she’s in a supportive family who will offer her experiences. Falling results could be to do with the cohort, the real indicator of how good the teaching is, is the progress. I do think you might be trying to fix something that isn’t broken.

I wouldn't, if she's happy. I moved my DD in y3 because she was unhappy and it was really hard to settle in to the new school. I wouldn't move a happy child.

Why not apply for your DS first and then move your DD2 if he gets in?

I wouldn't move her either, there's a lot to be said for a child having friends and being happy and settled in school. I'd focus on getting secondary school right 1st time.

No I wouldn't, or I'd at least think long and hard before you do.
The reasons you state don't seem strong enough considering your child is settled and happy.

Don't do it! My 15 year old is at one of the best private schools around, and is unhappy there.
Happiness at school matters so, so much.
Leave your kids be!

Please don't move them, the reasons you give are not sufficient to justify such an upheaval. You could take them on trips that are not local, sign them up to sports clubs, cook with them and things like that.

I'd leave your older ones where they are, and apply to the other school for your youngest. We've just done something similar, my youngest is not at our local, mediocre primary that my eldest just finished.

I think when you have bright kids, keeping an eye on where everyone goes for secondary is key - my eldest has gone to the more academic high school, with a load of his sports team friends who were at the 'better' primary, not where his entire class at the mediocre school went. If that makes sense! It does involve more faff and driving for me but I'm very happy with both boys schools and glad I made the effort

Sorry, I was picking DDs up from clubs-another one of my issues was that the school still hadn't started school clubs up since covid but they have now so that's great.

Both girls now do 3 clubs each, each week (and DD1 sometimes does one activity twice a week) so I do feel like that is more than enough.

The school trips do bother me a bit more as my (totally standard, state) primary took us to London museums etc quite a bit and I loved it. But even at the 'better' school this sort of thing would actually only be once or twice a year and is the sort of thing we do anyway (and probably in a less rushed way than has to be the case on school trips).

Also with the cooking, the other school have a food tech room but again it only equates to a few times a year per class. DD2 loves baking but this does seem like a ridiculous reason to move her when we can (and do) bake at home!

There is an excellent secondary they can go to, we've actually already looked round and me, DP and DD1 were unanimous in loving it so that, at least, seems easier!

As for moving DD2 only if DS gets in...I'm almost certain the Y3 space will have gone by then, it's a very popular school.

I'm really sorry to anyone who has a child who is/has struggled at school, and thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

I think a bit of me will always wonder 'what if' but I do feel like my very worst-case scenario is DD2 moving and then not being happy, which is maybe a reason for keeping her where she is. I think I'm such a perfectionist (which is NOT a good trait!) that I just think she could be EVEN HAPPIER at the other school. But of course she could be very unhappy which would absolutely break my heart, she is such a sweet girl.

@Neighneigh thank you 🙂 Yes, I see what you mean and I'm glad it's worked for you. There is actually a third option of another school for DS that we weren't keen on for DD1 but seems to have changed for the better (in our eyes) since then. It's an infant school though so that's even more complex as he'd then have to move for juniors. But obviously we'd only consider that if DD2 doesn't move schools (and even them we'd end up with 3 schools at some point ).

Having 3 kids is more complicated than I could have imagined!

I wouldn’t

1. your child is happy where she is
2. your child gets tired easily - so all this extra stuff may actually tire her out too much
3. your eldest won’t be going, and your DS might not go, meaning DD2 could feel singled out
4. you don’t need to pass tests for secondary entrance (I think?) so what’s the problem if she’s not being pushed as much as she could be
5. your child is happy where she is

The trips wouldn’t bother me as they are so nice to do as a family.

Maybe girls are different but I moved a happy child into yr 4 because we moved house and while the old school was commutable, I wanted it to be walkable and the school where younger sibling had got into in reception.

He was absolutely fine (despite being a quiet child) and fitted in really well. He had 3 good years (ok somewhat interrupted due to covid) at the new school.

I also moved state to private age 9 and again was fine. The first term was tricky but after that I made friends.

Don't assume she won't fit in to an established class.

The only thing that really seems worth the move is the concern about the results. However if the school got RI in ofsted and has recently become an academy it'll likely get alot of extra help and support to improve.

I do believe children learn better when they are happy and relaxed and it would concern me that the move could be unsettling. Obviously she may deal with the move fine and slot right in but thats a rusk you take.

The school say we have to apply for the place and be offered it before she can look round

Just this would put me off. Why not?

Thanks @minipie. All great points! I have thought of the tiredness, actually. She has always got tired more easily than her siblings at the same age. The other school does seem 'busier' and I do worry she may become overwhelmed and exhausted. Her current school is definitely more relaxed, for better or worse.

If she moved then DS would almost certainly get in because of how the school's specific admission criteria work, but thank you for thinking of that. Splitting them all up unnecessarily does seem silly.

At the moment I'm veering towards not moving her. When I've spoken to people irl they have also been almost unanimous in telling me not to move her. DP was also moved by his own parents and was very unhappy at his new school which is clearly a massive consideration for him (and me).

I'm still not sure what to do about DS as he's not already at a school, but him and DD2 would overlap at primary for 3 years (although 4 years apart), and all 3 for one year. There are so many variables to consider that my head is spinning!

Thank you all again, I was just getting nowhere with any of it. I really appreciate your responses

@bizboz that's exactly what DP said! I think because they've just done the official 'tours' and we could have taken her. We didn't because I wanted DP to have a chance of veto-ing it if he hated it before DD2 looked round, and another couple of reasons which were just sort of 'how it worked out'...I do think it wouldn't kill them to show her round for 20 mins, though.

@GettingWorseWithAge thank you

I would probably feel more confident if it was DD1, as she is very confident and adaptable (and older). I'm just not sure with DD2, she does seem to get on with a big range of kids but she can also be quite sensitive and worry about things.

@bizboz

The school say we have to apply for the place and be offered it before she can look round

Just this would put me off. Why not?

Covid. It's totally standard. Even special schools aren't doing visits, and they have the most needy and vulnerable applicants.

I think there is a lot to be said for allowing children at primary to be unpressured. DD went to a very relaxed primary and went on to a very selective secondary and is doing just fine. She can be anxious and also got tired easily and I felt it was best for her to be somewhere completely relaxed/unpressured at that age. I definitely would not have wanted her doing loads of homework at primary age. And not having done homework before secondary level has not held her back at all.

I would always go with the best education you can.
Let her look around but at 7 can she really make this descion?
I moved my dd at 13.
I am so bloody glad I did! She was semi happy at her ood school but always seemed flat coming home. Now every day she tells me about someone or something!!