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Does real happiness exist

37 replies

Mumofboys456 · 16/11/2021 13:44

My little boy said to me yesterday "you're never really happy" it has hit me hard because he is right but I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. I don't seem to find enjoyment in anything! I don't want them to see me as miserable.

OP posts:
JadeTrinket · 16/11/2021 13:49

Well, what is your life like? Do you, for instance, have work and/or interests that absorb you? Reasonable physical and mental health? Decent relationships with a spouse/partner and/or family and friends? Enough leisure time?

Is it significant that you seem primarily worried in case your children perceive you as unhappy, rather than because you think your own happiness is important in itself?

lunarlandscape · 16/11/2021 14:04

Yes it does. It's not perpetual. But it is a strong and regular emotion.

Can you start to intentionally find happiness in small things, by focusing on them and appreciating them? Things like making a really good cup of tea or coffee in the morning, feeding the birds and watching them etc?

Sometimes I think we get out of the habit of registering the things that give us pleasure, and they are mostly not big things. They are catching sight of a rainbow or enjoying watching the autumn leaves turn pink and gold or hearing a brass band in the distance or seeing a dog leap for joy in the park. I really believe in stopping and smelling the roses - enjoying all the tiny things because they are so easy to come by, but it's all to easy to miss them.

You could start keeping a gratitude journal. You just have to write down three things each day that you enjoyed or made you happy - can be a warm bath after an achey workout or a cup of cocoa after being cuaght in chilly rain. A hug from DC.

But also increase the small actions that raise your happiness levels: Play your favourite music everyday - stuff from your teenage years or soothing piano or just a lively radio station in the morning. Watch comedies at night, especially ones you can share with DC. Buy yourself flowers or flowering plants - they don't have to cost much. Cook your favourite recipes at least once or twice a week.

Also, I once read that to be happy you need something to look forward to each day, week, month and year. So each day it could be a small thing like painting your nails. Each week something like meeting friends to go to the cinema or a yoga class. Each month is something a bit more special - maybe a gig by a favourite comedian or musician or a day trip with your DC. Each year is a big milestone thing - a great holiday or passing an exam or renovating the house - things you can look back on and feel proud of having done.

As a PP said, it's important you prioritise your happiness because you deserve to feel happy but also make sure whenever you feel happy, you let DS know. Snuggle with DS and watch a silly movie together or some comedy series and giggle together and tell him you feel very happy when you do have time together like this. Or point out a cute dog in the park or have a bit of silly fun with him, playing chase or kicking up leaves etc.

lunarlandscape · 16/11/2021 14:05

Oh sorry. for the essay. I am a bit obsessed with happiness. I've actually taken a few courses in the science of happiness!

Mumofboys456 · 16/11/2021 14:16

I do things that should make me happy, I go through the motions of what I should be doing if that makes sense. I used to really look forward to Christmas but now its just feeling like a chore. I will do what I have to do to keep up appearances I suppose.

OP posts:
JadeTrinket · 16/11/2021 16:03

@Mumofboys456

I do things that should make me happy, I go through the motions of what I should be doing if that makes sense. I used to really look forward to Christmas but now its just feeling like a chore. I will do what I have to do to keep up appearances I suppose.
You shouldn't be keeping up appearances -- if you're no longer happy living a life that used to make you happy, I think you owe it to yourself to investigate why. What has changed?
Mumofboys456 · 16/11/2021 16:31

Well I have to to a certain extent as I have children i have looked at reasons why, I can't understand it.

OP posts:
MistySkiesAfterRain · 16/11/2021 16:41

I don't know whether it was meant as a comment on your existential wellbeing but more self referentially.
E.g. would your DC mean/want you to take more enjoyment/pleasure/appreciation in them, their minor achievements.

Human psychology...

On a similar note, do you feel appreciated? This is a big source of enjoyment- feeling appreciated for the humdrum day to day things we do.

Mumofboys456 · 16/11/2021 17:45

Sorry I don't know how to reply to certain people. He wasn't saying it like that.

OP posts:
batmanladybird · 16/11/2021 18:06

I saw this.

Does real happiness exist
Clun · 16/11/2021 18:13

@lunarlandscape

Yes it does. It's not perpetual. But it is a strong and regular emotion.

Can you start to intentionally find happiness in small things, by focusing on them and appreciating them? Things like making a really good cup of tea or coffee in the morning, feeding the birds and watching them etc?

Sometimes I think we get out of the habit of registering the things that give us pleasure, and they are mostly not big things. They are catching sight of a rainbow or enjoying watching the autumn leaves turn pink and gold or hearing a brass band in the distance or seeing a dog leap for joy in the park. I really believe in stopping and smelling the roses - enjoying all the tiny things because they are so easy to come by, but it's all to easy to miss them.

You could start keeping a gratitude journal. You just have to write down three things each day that you enjoyed or made you happy - can be a warm bath after an achey workout or a cup of cocoa after being cuaght in chilly rain. A hug from DC.

But also increase the small actions that raise your happiness levels: Play your favourite music everyday - stuff from your teenage years or soothing piano or just a lively radio station in the morning. Watch comedies at night, especially ones you can share with DC. Buy yourself flowers or flowering plants - they don't have to cost much. Cook your favourite recipes at least once or twice a week.

Also, I once read that to be happy you need something to look forward to each day, week, month and year. So each day it could be a small thing like painting your nails. Each week something like meeting friends to go to the cinema or a yoga class. Each month is something a bit more special - maybe a gig by a favourite comedian or musician or a day trip with your DC. Each year is a big milestone thing - a great holiday or passing an exam or renovating the house - things you can look back on and feel proud of having done.

As a PP said, it's important you prioritise your happiness because you deserve to feel happy but also make sure whenever you feel happy, you let DS know. Snuggle with DS and watch a silly movie together or some comedy series and giggle together and tell him you feel very happy when you do have time together like this. Or point out a cute dog in the park or have a bit of silly fun with him, playing chase or kicking up leaves etc.

Surely one has to define happiness first. Not only define it, but make the meaning of happiness personal to one's self. Until then happiness is unascertainable.

I have my own definition of happiness. Being unhappy does exist, but it is only temporal and cannot ameliorate the underlying happiness that persists.

Tal45 · 16/11/2021 18:18

Do you think you might be depressed OP and that that could be why you are really struggling to be happy about things?

thelegohooverer · 16/11/2021 18:20

I don’t think it comes naturally to me - I do something similar to what @lunarlandscape has outlined and intentionally seek out pleasurable experiences in my ordinary day.

I find lots of lovely moments but I choose to focus on the positive because I get easily overwhelmed by the bad stuff otherwise.

Mumofboys456 · 16/11/2021 18:26

I don't feel depressed. I don't feel overwhelmed by stuff. I'm probably not making much sense. Things I used to get enjoyment out of such as Christmas coming up I just feel like its a chore, something I have to do to keep other people happy. I can't really be bothered to do stuff but I just do them.. going through the motions I suppose

OP posts:
doadeer · 16/11/2021 19:03

What do you get enjoyment from?

boobot1 · 16/11/2021 19:30

@lunarlandscape

Yes it does. It's not perpetual. But it is a strong and regular emotion.

Can you start to intentionally find happiness in small things, by focusing on them and appreciating them? Things like making a really good cup of tea or coffee in the morning, feeding the birds and watching them etc?

Sometimes I think we get out of the habit of registering the things that give us pleasure, and they are mostly not big things. They are catching sight of a rainbow or enjoying watching the autumn leaves turn pink and gold or hearing a brass band in the distance or seeing a dog leap for joy in the park. I really believe in stopping and smelling the roses - enjoying all the tiny things because they are so easy to come by, but it's all to easy to miss them.

You could start keeping a gratitude journal. You just have to write down three things each day that you enjoyed or made you happy - can be a warm bath after an achey workout or a cup of cocoa after being cuaght in chilly rain. A hug from DC.

But also increase the small actions that raise your happiness levels: Play your favourite music everyday - stuff from your teenage years or soothing piano or just a lively radio station in the morning. Watch comedies at night, especially ones you can share with DC. Buy yourself flowers or flowering plants - they don't have to cost much. Cook your favourite recipes at least once or twice a week.

Also, I once read that to be happy you need something to look forward to each day, week, month and year. So each day it could be a small thing like painting your nails. Each week something like meeting friends to go to the cinema or a yoga class. Each month is something a bit more special - maybe a gig by a favourite comedian or musician or a day trip with your DC. Each year is a big milestone thing - a great holiday or passing an exam or renovating the house - things you can look back on and feel proud of having done.

As a PP said, it's important you prioritise your happiness because you deserve to feel happy but also make sure whenever you feel happy, you let DS know. Snuggle with DS and watch a silly movie together or some comedy series and giggle together and tell him you feel very happy when you do have time together like this. Or point out a cute dog in the park or have a bit of silly fun with him, playing chase or kicking up leaves etc.

Excellent post, great advise
PinkPlantCase · 16/11/2021 19:45

Great post @lunarlandscape

Can you start to intentionally find happiness in small things, by focusing on them and appreciating them? Things like making a really good cup of tea or coffee in the morning, feeding the birds and watching them etc?

This really rings true for me. Sometimes I need to put effort into feeling happy, to appreciate and notice things that make me happy.

Or even just stopping and recognising‘I feel happy right now’ makes a difference

Robin233 · 16/11/2021 19:57

@lunarlandscape
Brilliant post.
For - hot shower in the morning and putting on my makeup is something I look forward to.
Op Christmas is a chore ( not the fun bit presents, eating , drinking etc) but all the organising.
Try breaking it down into bite size pieces. Spread the load. Be very organised. All my present will be wrapped by the end of November etc.

Mumofboys456 · 16/11/2021 20:01

I'm not looking forward to any of the days out or the Christmas shopping. That was just an example, I don't seem to enjoy anything at the minute.

OP posts:
lunarlandscape · 16/11/2021 21:13

@Mumofboys456

Well I have to to a certain extent as I have children i have looked at reasons why, I can't understand it.
I had this. Which is why I got so interested in happiness. It's a form of depression called anhedonia and I found it quite scary. I'll PM you.
LittleOverWhelmed · 16/11/2021 22:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

lunarlandscape · 16/11/2021 22:13

Sorry OP - I quoted the wrong part of your message. The relevant bit was: I don't seem to enjoy anything at the minute.

LittleOverWhelmed · 16/11/2021 22:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Merrymermaid7 · 16/11/2021 22:23

This does sound a bit like depression, I know it's difficult but I'd suggest you speak to your GP

Kite22 · 16/11/2021 22:32

I agree with that @batmanladybird

Happiness is as much to do with attitude as circumstance (extremes aside). I think @lunarlandscape has made some excellent points.

It is really important to appreciate the things you have, rather than focusing on what you don't have. These can be really small things. It is about starting a habit of listing 2, 3, 5, or however many things you want to each day. It might be you write them down somewhere and create an ever growing list, or it might be you just say them to yourself as you put your head on the pillow. Or you might give thanks to a deity, if you are a believer, or it might be that you start your new habit with your partner or a friend and tell each other every day of 3 things that made you smile that day. The important think is that it becomes a habit.

lunarlandscape · 16/11/2021 22:44

You said you used to enjoy Christmas and now you don't. Did something happen or is it just the grind of the past two years of Covid and the uncertainty and slow creeping unhappiness without a cause?