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Original poster

How to deal with Boasty McBoastersons?

76 replies

MareofBeasttown · 15/11/2021 15:13

I have a "friend". Let's call her A. I say "friend" because I do not like her. However, her husband is close to my DH and we have known them for over 20 years off and on. DC similar age, similar professional and ethnic backgrounds blah blah. Have used Covid as a reason to avoid her for a while, but cannot use this excuse any more.

The reason I do not like A is because she is involved in an endless parental competition that I did not agree to enter. Her DC went to top private schools, graduated top of class and are now in Ivy leagues or on their way to Oxbridge. ( they are wealthy) All this is great, but I just don't want to talk about their achievements all the time. A literally has only 3 topics of conversation:
How fantastic her DC are
How much money she has made on various clever property investments
How fantastic her DC are
How tired and busy she is ( she does not work, and has a full time housekeeper!)
How fantastic her DC are

We have a dinner with A and her husband next week. I don't know how I am going to get through it without screaming. I once tried saying lightly "Enough about the kids, what are you doing with yourselves?" She just looked blankly at me and there was a loaded silence.

Just as an example of her competiveness, she asked after my DS. I mentioned that he was finding Maths in Year 13 tough. Immediately, she went on to say "DD2 is ranked third for maths in the whole of the UK and has won numerous medals blah blah."

I do think A is a good person under all this baggage she is carrying around, but I can no longer be bothered to excavate that person under the tiger mom exterior.

OP posts:

Djifunrsn · 15/11/2021 15:34

Perhaps the maths ranking is something to do with A level placings. I know someone who was told her A level maths result was the 5th highest in the country for whatever board she took.

Ionlydomassiveones · 15/11/2021 15:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Snog · 15/11/2021 15:41

Test positive is a brilliant excuse!!!

And then let DH meet his mate alone in future. Life is short.

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Families

LookItsMeAgain · 15/11/2021 16:01

You could probably only use this following strategy in the next few weeks (following COP26) so this would be a perfect opportunity to do it.

Tell them you're being more environmentally friendly and therefore cannot attend dinner due to carbon credits running out.

If you do go, turn every conversation around to the environment.
You mention this:
How fantastic her DC are

So you counter this with "How is Jane helping the environment jetsetting all over the world?" or "That's lovely, but I've heard that doing A, B or C is not very good for the planet. How is David helping to reduce his carbon emissions?

You mention this:
How much money she has made on various clever property investments

With this one you talk about homelessness and how property developers are the scourge of society and contributing to homelessness, by increasing rents and holding on to land/property that is vacant. How are they helping to house the homeless? Are they doing anything to help with homelessness in their area?

How fantastic her DC are

See first point

How tired and busy she is ( she does not work, and has a full time housekeeper!)

Talk about the menopause and perimenopause....in detail....could she be going through it, does she need to take a multivitamin or evening primrose oil supplement or see her GP...you could go into full on 'I'm really concerned about your health and wellbeing here so I think you need to do something about it' mode.

How fantastic her DC are

Back to the environment and also introduce being a stand up member of society (unlike the PM for example) and how going to the posh private schools didn't seem to help him be a stand up member of society (though probably best to keep politics out of the conversation).

You could turn the tables and try to sell her some MLM stuff that you've heard is fantastic (make it up) and talk on and on and on about that until she gets bored!

NotJustACigar · 15/11/2021 16:10

I think @LookItsMeAgain is onto something but it needs to be more subtle I think...the best way to deal with boasting in my experience is to pretend you actually thought the person was saying something negative. My most successful example was when my horrible colleague was boasting about having a masters degree when I only had an undergraduate degree when we were in the same job. I said, oh, I wouldn't worry about it, some people just need a little more help and a structured learning environment to get to the same level as others. Her face was an absolute picture

ElftonWednesday · 15/11/2021 16:10

I'd take the piss out of her. When she says something about Horatio being the Topp Maths Genius. Say things like "Not that you're one to boast."

babybunny123 · 15/11/2021 16:11

if im with people like that i just go quiet, ive perfected it over the years.

WearingPurpleAlready · 15/11/2021 16:15

I'd make outrageous claims and stick to them come he'll probably high water. "Dd was top of the country in maths", "oh well dc was top for literally every other subject in the entire world". But I'm a twat that way.

ExConstance · 15/11/2021 16:16

My parents had "friends" where the wife was a bit like that. She went on and on about how everyone she knew was a Company Director, very rich, etc. etc. She was so OTT that we just loved going to visit them as we had so much fun taking the piss when we got home, it gave the family endless entertainment for weeks.

3beesinmybonnet · 15/11/2021 16:17

As you get older you realise life really is too short to waste on "friends" you don't like. Your DH thinks you should be more tolerant presumably because it doesn't bother him. Also he doesn't want to risk upsetting his friend by explaining to him why you don't want to socialise with his DW. Everyone's happy except you OP but your feelings and your life are just as important as anyone else's.
I think you need to sit down with your DH and tell him his friend is his friend and it shouldn't automaticallly follow that you have to socialise with his DW who drives you crazy.
He'll probably try to guilt trip you but why do you have to be unhappy so that everyone else can be happy? You are not responsible for their feelings and your happiness is just as important as theirs.

I think you're stuck with this dinner party so I suggest you have a few drinks to anaesthetise yourself. But when your DH suggests inviting them round for dinner make it clear you're having no part in it.

Boood · 15/11/2021 16:19

It’s so difficult when people are like this. I have a very close friend who does it. I feel bad, because I know she wouldn’t dream of doing it in front of people she didn’t know well, and she is just desperately proud of her kids and determined that they will be praised, because she never was. She’s sharing with me because she thinks I’m a safe audience who won’t be offended by it. And I’m not offended, but omfg it’s tedious and unfortunately it’s making me start to wish her children would fuck up so she stops going on about them.

VolumniaScreech · 15/11/2021 16:23

My ex husband was a great one for trumpeting the brilliance of his first set of children. He ignored me when I said: "you are being a boring bellend and your children are a) nice, but not particularly brilliant; and b) of no interest to anyone apart from their own families". The only thing that finally stopped him was another parent telling him that his daughter (same age as his first daughter) had dropped out of university and tried to commit suicide. He stopped it then.

Elsie11 · 15/11/2021 16:25

I had a friend who did this. I found the best way to deal with it was to smile and agree and praise e.g. 'amazing!' 'fantastic news!' "you must be so proud!' 'how wonderful for her!'.
If I was feeling bolshy sometimes I might say things like ' and how does that make her feel?' 'is she happy?' 'how does she deal with all that pressure?' 'what will she do next to top that?'.
Never engage with competing ie don't mention your own children at all, make it all about hers. Work on the assumption that you are quietly proud of your own children because that they are independent people who don't need validation and you feel no need to show off about them.

OakPine · 15/11/2021 16:33

She sounds like she has done/does nothing with her own life. How sad.

I'd probably just avoid her. I have learned through experience not to be saddled with sitting next to some tedious bore at dinner.

Just talk to someone else.

Howshouldibehave · 15/11/2021 16:36

I wish I could, but DH feels we should. May I say that DH is far more tolerant than me

Well, he can talk to her, then.

What’s her DH like? I’d be chatting to him all evening.

Original poster

MareofBeasttown · 15/11/2021 16:36

You are all brilliant and have made me laugh so much. I think @SW1amp has the best suggestion. I may even try it! As also the COP 26 suggestion:)

To the poster who said that she may be feeling out of it because she has been an SAHM for years, I have great sympathy for SAHMs because I was one myself for years. I have lots of friends who are SAHMS but manage to talk about books, politics, art, culture, music..anything but their DC. To be honest, now I am menopausal I am not very interested in DC, mine or others:)

I don't have any DC achievements to brag about, but I do have some recent professional achievements of my own. I think I might just keep changing the subject to those.

OP posts:

Gliderx · 15/11/2021 16:37

If you have to go, I would just yawn and zone out.

Or let an awkward silence develop and not rush to fill it.

Original poster

MareofBeasttown · 15/11/2021 16:39

To clarify about the maths ranking thing, maybe I have got it wrong? Her DD takes parts in Maths Olympiads and represents the UK or some such. Tbh I never listen very carefully!

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 15/11/2021 16:44

I’d be quite upfront about it, if forced.

Say, ‘do you know what, now the kids are older, I’m enjoying doing things for myself again-it’s fabulous. I’ve done xyz at work, taken up xyz and plan to do xyz! What about you-I really think it’s really important not to lose sight of yourself because in the blink of an eye, they’ve grown up and gone!’

Maybe it’ll make her think?!

Whyamistilltired · 15/11/2021 16:57

God it's hard when people who are otherwise nice go on like this. Could you just say - yes, I think you've mentioned that before a couple of times - hope she stfu?

trappedsincesundaymorn · 15/11/2021 16:57

Downplay everything she brags about. "Only 3rd? how disappointing for you, still nobody's perfect" "you've only made x amount on your investments? Such a pity, still maybe you'll do better soon" etc. She'll soon give up once she realises she's not getting the reaction she feels she should.

NotJustACigar · 15/11/2021 16:59

Say "oh, if your DCs ever need career advice I'd be happy to help them, you see I've just achieved blah blah blah." If she praises you and acts nice about it leave it at that. If not say "Oh and do you think your DCs will follow in your footsteps or will they actually make something of their lives? Oh sorry, that came out wrong, hahaha".

IslaInthesun · 15/11/2021 17:03

Maths Olympiads are ranked when they get to the final.

I'm a bitch so I would say oh noooo who was first, their parents must be so proud! How annoying to get that close and not win

GiantKitten · 15/11/2021 17:07

There are medals and ranking nationally for A levels - it is a thing.

(Adding hastily that I only know that because a friend’s DD got a couple of them, years ago. The friend isn’t McBoasty though, and the DD is lovely, so it was mentioned once and then we all moved on)

Tulipomania · 15/11/2021 17:08

I was going to suggest asking her if she was disappointed with the outcome of COP26 and what she thinks we should do about it.

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