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Original poster

I really hate it when my friends have good births

40 replies

Youdonthavetobegood · 14/11/2021 20:36

Which is awful but true. I had a miserable, sick pregnancy, a god awful birth and PND for the first year of my son's life. When I hear friends who talk about their 'great' births, and their rushes of love, I feel so envious that I missed out on this.
I know that nothing is as it seems, but I still can't get past the feeling of being 'shit' at having a baby. Anyone else?

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 14/11/2021 20:39

I was a bit like that, but the older the dc's got, the less I was bothered by not having the births I wanted.

BarbaraLoganPrice · 14/11/2021 20:40

As your baby gets older it will come up less and less. Once they get to school no one cares! And you begin to appreciate just what a tiny part of having a child the birth is. Try not to feel bad.

Twospaniels · 14/11/2021 20:40

I’m sorry you had such an awful time. I had an awful time with my first too, but my second was a ‘good birth’.

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ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 14/11/2021 20:42

Not that exactly but I hate it when friends seem to enjoy their maternity leave. Mine was utterly shit (covid, CEV partner, expressing, non sleeping baby, post natal MH issues..). Yes I'm jealous and probably a horrible person and no I don't admit it in real life but this is an anonymous forum so..

OkNowTellMeWhatToDo · 14/11/2021 20:47

You're not personally shit there are medical reasons for what happened with your birth that were beyond your control that can happen to anyone. I had a bad birth ending in a c-sec so I know if I have another I'll have a better birth as it'll be elective and I'll suffer just only from the recovery rather than any injuries.
I do know what you mean though, I secretly roll my eyes in my head now and just think 'there's lovely for you' and change the subject.
Unfortunately births are our 'war' stories so are always part of bloody discussion.
I just know as mine was so bad I'm probably much more mentally strong than they are as I've been through more.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 14/11/2021 20:47

I assume a lot of people are lying to live up to expectation tbh

ComDummings · 14/11/2021 20:52

@FindingMeno

I was a bit like that, but the older the dc's got, the less I was bothered by not having the births I wanted.
This ^ is so true for me too. Those feelings have lessened.
Prokupatuscrakedatus · 14/11/2021 20:53

As long as you do not mind that other people (your friends) hate you for your bit of luck and good fortune, everything is fine.

Original poster
Youdonthavetobegood · 14/11/2021 20:53

Thanks all, it's so irrational I know. Just a big life event I guess, that I still feel like I 'got wrong'

OP posts:
OkNowTellMeWhatToDo · 14/11/2021 20:57

You didn't get it wrong. It just happened. It's a complete lottery and you lost. I lost, millions of women loose sadly xx

moirarosebabay · 14/11/2021 20:57

It did used to sting a bit when it seemed so easy for everyone else but as a pp said it doesn't bother me any more now they are older. I try and reassure other mothers who feel like this by relating my (3x) not great experiences but a live baby is a good thing and I'm glad I live in this day and age cos if I was in an earlier century if the first baby hadn't have killed me his 10lb 5 brother definitely would have.

kalidasa · 14/11/2021 20:59

You never know what people aren't talking about though -- I had "good" births but unspeakable pregnancies and also severe PND/borderline psychosis after DS1. I mean my pregnancies were so traumatic that I couldn't talk about them at all without losing it. (With DS2 I'd been in hospital continuously for two months in the first half of pregnancy and in a wheelchair in severe pain for most of the second half.) And no-one wants to hear about going genuinely mad immediately after birth. I joined in with the birth chat because it was the only bit I could contribute to.

I'm unexpectedly having a (by normal standards) very bad but so far much more "normal" third pregnancy after a long gap, which is very healing, but I am always very conscious that people talk about the bits they can talk about / are able to feel positive about (even if they're complaining). Real trauma stays silent.

I'm sorry you had such a bad time. Other posters are also right that it all seems to matter less as the children get older -- my older DC are 6 and 8 and it comes up so much less.

makelovenotpetrol · 14/11/2021 21:02

What will you achieve by resenting them for something no one has any control over? If that was a reasonable thing to do I would hate pretty much everyone having had a late stillbirth.

Kinsters · 14/11/2021 21:07

Your friends might not be telling the whole truth either. When it comes up I share my birth story and it sounds good/easy in that it was quick and without intervention but I don't share the bad bits as it's private and distressing (plus I don't want to scare my friends who haven't had kids yet!).

You didn't do anything wrong though, and your friends didn't do anything right - as someone else said it's just luck.

Thefuturestory · 14/11/2021 21:10

Have a birth debrief. It’s not healthy or productive to resent your friends. Deal with the trauma and I say that as someone who finally had a debrief a decade on. I was still holding it despite having had one subsequent “perfect” birth.

Marimaur · 14/11/2021 21:10

Yeah maybe stop resenting people for something they have little control over.

Pinkandpink · 14/11/2021 21:15

I have a midwife friend who has said to me on a few occasions she’s heard women patients saying to their friends how easy and pain free their births were. They are lying as she was there to witness the births. Not all women tell the truth lol

sofakingexhausted · 14/11/2021 21:17

I totally get where your coming from. My youngest son was born incredibly ill. We didn't know he would be sick during the pregnancy and had him at home, he was rushed to hospital and had to have life saving surgery in the first 24 hours of his life. We spent 5 months in and out of hospital and has a life long condition. He's perfectly healthy now although we have daily struggles. My brother had a perfectly healthy baby 6 weeks after mine and the jealousy I felt at the time was horrendous and something I still feel guilty over. Any time a friend has a baby I feel just as much sadness as happiness it's a very conflicting feeling. I had therapy for PTSD which helped a little but I have figured it's something I just need to deal with. It's nobodies fault it is what it is, just find a way you can deal with the bad emotion and try to put it aside for your friends if you have somebody you feel you can confide in then do so, it does help to talk. It's tough but it's also normal xx

fancyfrogs · 14/11/2021 21:22

Yep I completely get you. I had DS 12 weeks early and I got annoyed at people posting pictures of bumps and being like '30 weeks!' or whatever. At first I'd be like ok so what do you want a bloody medal and get really irritated.
I've had counselling though and feel better now. But it does still sting seeing pictures of squishy freshly born bloody cuddles and skin to skin, I don't think I'll ever not be a bit jealous of that

HelloDulling · 14/11/2021 21:24

If your friends have a bad birth, it won’t make your past experience any better. Don’t wish a crappy time on the people you love.

Mapletreelane · 14/11/2021 21:30

I used to feel resentful too; I had two crappy births. But now I've realised life throws us all so many different curveballs and two crappy births is nothing compared to what some of my friends have been through. Yes I was "shit" at giving birth, and never completely physically recovered from the first birth but there are so many other things that I am thankful for. I have a number of close female friends around my age who would have loved kids and been amazing mums and it never happened for them, so what is the point of resenting my births?

You've not failed. You've overcome trauma and recovered. Which is amazing.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/11/2021 21:44

I felt like everyone else sailed through pregnancy when I was a hormonal, depressed and anxious mess and I mean mess. I also had no proper job and temped through it. I tried for years to get pregnant too so had this constant feeling I should be 'grateful'. It feels better 9 years on yhough.

greyinganddecaying · 14/11/2021 21:45

I understand, I used to feel the same. I had awful births, including still birth & spent a while feeling really angry.

It will get better with time. I was able to be my friend's birth partner a few months ago & felt no resentment, which a couple of years ago I would never have managed.

Naughtynovembertree · 14/11/2021 21:47

Op nature is incredibly unpredictable but your issue isn't their birth it's your comparing yourself to others.

I had such an awful time with ddc 1 I had an elc next time but its never occurred to me to compare myself to others and their birth or compare myself at all to anyone's really.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/11/2021 21:48

I agree with a PP as well who said the fact you've come through it means you're pretty awesome and that's how I made peace with my own situation.