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Original poster

I really hate it when my friends have good births

40 replies

Youdonthavetobegood · 14/11/2021 20:36

Which is awful but true. I had a miserable, sick pregnancy, a god awful birth and PND for the first year of my son's life. When I hear friends who talk about their 'great' births, and their rushes of love, I feel so envious that I missed out on this.
I know that nothing is as it seems, but I still can't get past the feeling of being 'shit' at having a baby. Anyone else?

OP posts:

CanIMoveOn · 14/11/2021 21:55

I had comparably a ‘good’ first birth compared to my NCT ‘friends’. They loved talking about their ‘horrendous’ births and from their comments and looks, I felt the need to apologise for my birth. Also my baby…he was comparably ‘easy’.
But, few of them knew of the subsequent repair jobs I needed a few months down the line, or the stressful 2nd birth and more ‘difficult’ baby. I’d stopped contact with those idiots by then, and only spent time with the ones that mattered.
It’s not a competition… everyone has their challenges and battles in life. Birth is just the beginning.
I’d suggest you have a birth debrief. Sounds like you need it.

Hen2018 · 14/11/2021 21:59

I had 2 easy births (sorry!) and to be honest, I keep quiet about them. I don’t think it’s helpful to a) say it’s going to be a walk in the park or b) say how mine were fine after someone has had a terrible time.

It’s not as though I did anything to make it go well!

deplorabelle · 14/11/2021 22:00

Yes. First baby stillborn at term. Two healthy children who are wonderful teenagers now. But the youngest had a rare issue in utero and needed lung surgery at 6 months. In some ways I still feel utterly shit at childbearing and motherhood 17 years on. The feelings do get less raw as time goes on. I'd like to say people stop talking about childbirth but they don't seem to. It comes up periodically even now and I sit quietly in the corner waiting for it to stop, or talking about births 2 and 3. Outside of childbirth conversations, though, I am right as rain these days 🙂

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Berkeys · 14/11/2021 22:07

I really hate it when my friends get pregnant and have babies! I can’t seem to manage it. Heartbreaking. You are luckier than you realise!!!

WeMazeUp · 14/11/2021 22:09

I can’t say it’s happened to me but it has happened to my wife besides ds is happy so that makes me happy and my wife

Ilikeanimalsmorethanpeople · 14/11/2021 22:11

When I had DC in Sept I had an emergency C and my milk didn't come in so I couldn't feed and I remember being so jealous and almost livid at the mother opposite me who had too much milk and got mastitis..I do know how ridiculous I was being!!

CrazyOldBagLady · 14/11/2021 22:17

I suppose I'm a bit shit at having a babies as I've had the same issue with each of my sons. That said, the first time around I felt slightly traumatised afterwards, but the second time was much, much better, and actually left me feeling a bit healed from it all.

Try not to blame yourself though, it's most out of your hands and it is what it is. It's part of your story and your sons story,and you can be any kind of mother you want to be.

GlumyGloomer · 14/11/2021 22:20

I know exactly what you mean. Neither of my births were awful, but they were long and really felt like a war of attrition ending in ventouse for the first and an episiotomy to get the second out. So when my friends tell me their babies came out in a few pushes I do grit my teeth a bit. I know it doesn't matter, but a little voice in my head will always tell me that I struggled because I'm weak/unfit/lazy. I don't hold it against my friends, it's all in my head.

MuchTooTired · 14/11/2021 22:22

How old is your DC? I felt like a failure and less of a mother and woman in the first year or so after my birth (ivf babies, elcs due to severe pe, couldn’t bf and had pnd and struggled to feel bonded with my DTs although I knew I loved them) but it’s less of a big deal to me now. I used to feel jealous of other women who managed to do everything naturally, but I mainly hated myself and my ‘failings’ rather than them.

My DTs are now 3.5 and I’m unlikely to have another dc, so my journey to motherhood and early baby days are done now. My story is what it is! Being honest, having heard a fair number of birth stories, I no longer regret having an elcs, I’m actually really glad I did. I’m not a failure, I’m bloody lucky that the three of us walked out of that hospital and that there was formula to keep my babies alive and that they thrived. Time has been a great healer!

LovingLifesHurdles · 14/11/2021 22:42

Reading this thread with interest.
I also had a bad birth including horrible long induction. It's not that I resent my friends who have it easy, but for me it's more sadness that they don't understand what I went through. I'm not an emotional person so for something to affect me so deeply really was out of the ordinary for me and really unexpected.

It's taken me quite a while to realise that if I want to share what happened with my friends they are happy to listen and be supportive, but it wasn't easy to do.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/11/2021 22:55

I'm feel the same when people get pregnant easily, as for us it was a long and traumatic experience. We got there in the end and have 2 healthy girls so I'm not sure why I feel this way....guess it's a case of wanting what you didn't get and wishing we didn't go through a trauma, but ultimately we do have a children and for that we are blessed so the only thing we can do is move forward with gratitude for what we do have.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/11/2021 23:04

@Berkeys

I really hate it when my friends get pregnant and have babies! I can’t seem to manage it. Heartbreaking. You are luckier than you realise!!!

I absolutely know this feeling and it is heart wrenching. I hope you get your baby. It used to really piss me off when people complained about their births, the tiredness etc. Yes it can be hard but....perspective!

I really hope you get your baby! 😘

WeMazeUp · 22/11/2021 20:21

@Berkeys

I really hate it when my friends get pregnant and have babies! I can’t seem to manage it. Heartbreaking. You are luckier than you realise!!!

I feel bad for you it’s how me and my wife felt we were so pissed of besides we almost thought we should adopt but in the end we got pregnant and had a DC

YukoandHiro · 22/11/2021 20:23

I hear you. I felt the same.
I had a second birth that was induced but otherwise textbook, easy and I have to say it was so healing emotionally. This from someone who said no way to anymore for over 2 years.

Glassofshloer · 22/11/2021 20:37

No because my birth experience is mine and my DD’s, it’s unique to us & nobody else can have it. It’s not ‘textbook’ but I remember being so bloody proud of myself when DD was put in my arms, and there’s a part of me that enjoys reliving all the twists and turns of it, knowing I got my lovely daughter at the end

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