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Original poster

Emotionally burnt out

29 replies

Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 11:58

Dont even know what to say just looking for a handhold / advice / a bit of a vent.

I'm absolutely emotionally burnt out and exhausted.

The doctor said that if I had a job she would sign me off but this is my life making me exhausted.

I'm not depressed, a previous doctor tried to give me antidepressants but I'm not depressed I want to be more alive!

Long story short I'm a SAHM and carer for my disabled child and I have other children too. My sen child is 7, complex needs including autism, barely verbal, uses a Sen buggy, double incontinence you get the gist. I also have otjer children too. My toddler is at home full time but starting part time preschool after Easter once they are 3.

I just feel in a newborn style fog. Like my brain isn't working. Sick of the meltdowns, the rigidity of everything, not being able to go on family days out. I have to sleep with my Sen child. I barely see my husband.

My husband is incredibly supportive and we make a fab team but he works 12 hour plus days.

I'm so lonely. My husband gets to go out (rarely though!) With colleagues until 3-4am. I want that freedom but I've got no one like that.

Occasionally on a weekend morning I'll meet a friend for a walk or a coffee but I don't have many local friends.

I just feel my brain isn't working. The doctor said I'm emotionally exhausted and like I said above she would sign me off if she could if it was a job making me feel this way.

I want to feel more vibrant, more alive. I read a book recently and in it the character has alot going on and she goes for a run on the beach and stops and screams this scream she didn't even know she was holding in. That's how I feel. I want to scream and howl and stamp my feet at the unfairness of it all.

I want my life back. I want to be me again. The woman I used to be before I became a Sen mum. But oh the guilt.

Sigh

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 14/11/2021 12:33

Can you get residential support for your child with SEN? So that you can get a break?

Maybe join a running club for you to have a break and exercise?

My heart breaks for you.. sending you ❤️

GiantWaterBottle · 14/11/2021 12:37

Sorry I can't be of more help but just wanted to say that sounds so so tough and that you sound like such a wonderful person.
As above posted suggested, my first thought was maybe running? But a running club would have the benefit of meeting some potential friends.

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 12:39

@Mammyloveswine

Can you get residential support for your child with SEN? So that you can get a break?

Maybe join a running club for you to have a break and exercise?

My heart breaks for you.. sending you ❤️

They are at school most days, but there's still all the admin, appointments etc that goes with the territory.

We are on the waiting list for specialist nurses that would come to the house to help apparently im not sure exactly what they do

OP posts:
Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 12:45

Sorry don't mean to drip.feed I should have said I used to go to the gym on a Saturday morning that was my time. I'd do Pilates to try to build my core strength so I can carry my child more etc then a gym session and swim.

I loved swimming as I could cry underwater without anyone seeing.

Sometimes I wouldn't even go for any exercise, I would just have a sauna and steam then stand under the luxury showers and sob with the weight of it all. How pathetic.

But for a variety of reasons weve had to pause our gym membership. Maybe get it back in the new year

OP posts:
Poetrypatty · 14/11/2021 12:46

Not surprised you are exhausted OP Flowers It sounds like you need some respite. Is there the funds to pay for a couple of hours help, maybe from a local college or university student or something? Just to give you a bit of hand.

BurnedToast · 14/11/2021 14:03

Have you had a parent carer social assessment ? Your child should qualify for a child in need assessment as well. Sounds to me like you should qualify for short breaks support of some sort. Look up how to request a social care assessment on your Local offer website.

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 15:29

@BurnedToast

Have you had a parent carer social assessment ? Your child should qualify for a child in need assessment as well. Sounds to me like you should qualify for short breaks support of some sort. Look up how to request a social care assessment on your Local offer website.
No not yet I think these specialist nurses might be able to advise on things like that

I think my husband is wary of getting things like a social worker aswell

I'm currently sat in the car parked on our drive crying just to get some peace out of the house. The weight of it all feels like a literal weight pushing down on me

OP posts:
NecklessMumster · 14/11/2021 15:38

Don't wait for the nurses before you ask for a carers assessment, do it anyway. And don't worry about having a social worker...it's not child protection. I do carers assessments for carers of adults, and we refer carers of disabled children to our disabled children's team for carer support. There should be respite support/shared lives type options

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 15:46

There are various people who run things like parent carer coffee mornings I could always go to things like that but they are either in the city so a long drive away plus I have my toddler anyway. Or they are online and I have a hearing loss and can't hear on zoom etc

I keep thinking i just need to get through to Easter when my toddler goes to part time preschool then I'll have a bit of a break but I feel guilty wishing the time away

I just want to watch TV and drink wine in the evening like others do rather than doing admin and paperwork for my Sen child then having to sleep with them so they don't wander around in the night. Uuurgh

OP posts:
NecklessMumster · 14/11/2021 17:00

I didn't mean so much carers support groups, although they can be great, if you have a Carers Assessment they should look at what would help you to keep going which might mean having a short break

SaborDeSoledad · 14/11/2021 18:31

I want to give you a big hug. Is it ok to say that on Mumsnet? It all sounds really, really tough. Flowers

PinkStink · 14/11/2021 18:53

Wow that is so hard.

The only feeble suggestion I have is to try parkrun on Saturday mornings? Either to run/walk or volunteer then coffee afterwards?

Just a tiny thing that could be something just for you? Thanks

PeaceInMyLife · 14/11/2021 19:19

I have no idea what you are going through with your life pressures, but I have a lot of empathy.

Your husband needs to cut his hours, or compress them into a 4 day week and you need a full day off from it all ever week with no excuses. That won't help long term but it will put a sticking plaster on it.

I also think you need a bit of selfishness in your life . What are your needs, we all have core needs, what are yours and how can you start meeting them in your current life?

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 19:36

@PinkStink

Wow that is so hard.

The only feeble suggestion I have is to try parkrun on Saturday mornings? Either to run/walk or volunteer then coffee afterwards?

Just a tiny thing that could be something just for you? Thanks

Thank you

I think I need to get the gym back. As I said earlier, that was my Saturday thing but we had to give it up

OP posts:
Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 19:39

@PeaceInMyLife

I have no idea what you are going through with your life pressures, but I have a lot of empathy.

Your husband needs to cut his hours, or compress them into a 4 day week and you need a full day off from it all ever week with no excuses. That won't help long term but it will put a sticking plaster on it.

I also think you need a bit of selfishness in your life . What are your needs, we all have core needs, what are yours and how can you start meeting them in your current life?

My husband cannot change his working hours. Not going to say what he does as it's outing but he absolutely has to do mon-fri office hours plus he does 2-3 hours most nights from home once children asleep. Part time would be possible but that would be a massive drop in salary Compressed hours isn't a possibility due to the nature of his job.
OP posts:
DueyCheatemAndHow · 14/11/2021 19:41

I feel very similar with a 3 year old and a 1 year old so I cannot imagine how rough it must be to have done this life for so long. You've said everything I feel. There was an ad on TV the other day with a woman stopping off for a coffee on a long drive and she just stood by the sea. U cannot remember the last time I just stood.

The wiping. The food. The relentless tears. The endlessness of it all.

I hear you loud and clear.

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 19:50

@DueyCheatemAndHow

I feel very similar with a 3 year old and a 1 year old so I cannot imagine how rough it must be to have done this life for so long. You've said everything I feel. There was an ad on TV the other day with a woman stopping off for a coffee on a long drive and she just stood by the sea. U cannot remember the last time I just stood.

The wiping. The food. The relentless tears. The endlessness of it all.

I hear you loud and clear.

It is absolutely like having 2 toddlers. I have some older children and then my 7 and almost 3 year old. They act close in age. My 7 year old can barely walk, on a day out ( well a few hours out) my 3 year old will walk my 7 year old will be buggy or carried.

7 year old is double Incontinent and all that entails. We are working on toileting at the moment and they need carrying to the toilet and supervising on the toilet or they will lick the toilet etc.

Car parks are a nightmare they have no sense of danger will just lie down in the road etc. We are hoping for a blue badge soon

School, thankfully, are amazing!

OP posts:
Onemorebaby · 14/11/2021 19:50

Second the parent carers assessment. It will get you some respite. Don't wait for the nurses, do it now then ring the nurses and ask for a call back if you need help. Family support worker will have lots if experience of applying for respite. If they are LD nurses then they will want you to have respite in place in order to help you. It speeds it up. If he's not sleeping then melatonin could help. You need a prescription from a paediatrician or psychiatrist if you're going through the LD team. Hope things improve soon op. You're doing a great job

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 14/11/2021 19:53

@Onemorebaby

Second the parent carers assessment. It will get you some respite. Don't wait for the nurses, do it now then ring the nurses and ask for a call back if you need help. Family support worker will have lots if experience of applying for respite. If they are LD nurses then they will want you to have respite in place in order to help you. It speeds it up. If he's not sleeping then melatonin could help. You need a prescription from a paediatrician or psychiatrist if you're going through the LD team. Hope things improve soon op. You're doing a great job
We are awaiting melatonin but are stuck in a bit of a cycle.....paed says ask GP for a melatonin script, GP says ask paed 🤔
OP posts:
MissCreeAnt · 14/11/2021 19:57

I have a child with SEN and I can relate a little tiny bit.

Is there any way you could take 24 hours out one weekend, stay in a hotel and leave your husband with the children? I do it about once a year, just sit by myself and read a book in silence and it's life changing.

If there's any way your youngest can start nursery early then could funds stretch just for a couple of days a week, for one term? Or could you find a sports centre with a crèche and drop toddler off while you have a swim and a coffee in peace? Even if it's not their normal policy it might be worth asking. Ours takes them from 2y9m.

I can very much relate about the evenings, and I can imagine sleeping with your 7 year old feels like the last straw.

Onemorebaby · 14/11/2021 21:22

In our Trust this is monitored by paediatricians/psychiatrists. Maybe they have to write to the GP to prescribe it?The LD nurses will be able to help unpick this if you don't have the energy? Or maybe school nurses will know?

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 16/11/2021 17:08

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm actually quite concerned about how tired I am and how much I feel I'm not coping. Everyone around me just says I'm doing amazing.

I have to some paperwork tonight for my child (it's ongoing really) and I just want to cry at the thought of it. By the time they are asleep it will be at least 930 plus multiple wake-ups. I just want to go to bed and watch TV on my iPad rather than having to get my brain into gear to "work"

So so tired. I feel like a shell of who I used to be.

OP posts:
MissCreeAnt · 16/11/2021 18:50

No advice other than what I've already suggested above. I just wanted to say you're not alone, I get it. My saving grace is DH putting absolutely no pressure on me. Still not the life I thought I'd be living.

Original poster
Emotionallyexhausted · 17/11/2021 13:30

Me again sorry

So, I tried ringing the doctors today. I don't even know what they can do.

Spent an hour and 15 mins on hold to be told all the appointments have gone today and I should ring at 8am tomorrow. That's what I was doing today aaarrgh! Or I can fill out an econsult form and someone will ring within 48 hours. But 48 hours is no good I need a time frame eg a morning or afternoon, if they ring on school run theres no way I can answer. Or apparently I should ring 111.

I had a bath with my toddler this morning that was nice.

I also put a wash on thinking I'll hang it up this afternoon but I'm just too exhausted.

My toddler and I have playgroup tomorrow and I don't think I can face it. The panic and anxiety of having to find decent clothes and put makeup on etc I'm just too tired.

My husband said he wants his wife back. Says he's sick of me snapping at my older ones, everyone is walking on eggshells around me he says.

Uurgh

OP posts:
InvincibleInvisibility · 17/11/2021 14:26

Nowhere near your level but when putting my SN DC to bed I found that netflix on my phone transformed my evenings. Yes i was in a dark bedroom with DS on a tiny screen rather than on sofa in front of tv, but its better than nothing

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