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Original poster

Church with small children

75 replies

DueyCheatemAndHow · 14/11/2021 08:19

DH and I are in disagreement

2 children, 3 and 1 1 year old walking. 3 year old is energetic and interested. Keeping him quiet during a whole service is nigh on impossible.

One of us thinks that it just isn't worth the hassle of constantly taking the 3 year old out and keeping things safe from being chewed by the baby etc

The other thinks that everyone is welcome in church and as long as we aren't disruptive for intercessions etc then we should keep going.

Thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 14/11/2021 18:45

In my local RC church kids are fairly lively, a fare bit of wandering, crawling, chatting, and lots of colouring books/books/quiet toys. Most people would expect that in a Sat Eve / Sunday 11am Mass. If you want quiet you'd probably go to the 8am one. People obviously take them out if they get really over excited or screamy.

If you or your H want your kids to grow up in a faith, you gotta take them - and in general the earlier kids learn to cope with multi-generational activities from church to restaurants the better they are at it. Try and figure out a selection of toys and snacks and juice that will keep them occupied-ish. And maybe take the 3 year old out for a 5-10 min run in the middle if necs.

If it's not welcoming, find somewhere else, but if people appear friendly, they likely think your kids are fine.

vdbfamily · 14/11/2021 18:50

I had 3 close together and we never missed a week but had to time things well. I would keep toughest awake until just before and do a walk around the block so they fell asleep in pushchair and slept through service. When we started there was only one other young family but we started a little kids group and took turns running it. The older folks went on a rota to help and loved it. I think the routine is really important. It worked for us up until lockdown but that broke the routine and now they are 15,17 and 18 and have far better things to do🙁🙁

vdbfamily · 14/11/2021 18:50

toughest???? Youngest even😂

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picklemewalnuts · 14/11/2021 18:55

As a long standing member of a congregation and church leader, we love having children and watching them grow up within the church family. It's a privilege. Yes, there are moments that are harder for all of us,but we'd far rather have them than not. I'm sure they'd welcome a chat about ways to make it easier on everyone. We'd do what we can, if you had any ideas!

DemBonesDemBones · 14/11/2021 19:15

This makes me so sad. All 4 of mine have attended church with us from days old, all through their terrible twos (and threes and fours Grin) At our church children are free range. No one blinks if a child goes and joins the Vicar up front or runs up and down the aisles. All families know each other well and take responsibility for all children present.

immersivereader · 14/11/2021 19:16

Just don't bother with it

woodhill · 14/11/2021 19:18

@vdbfamily

I had 3 close together and we never missed a week but had to time things well. I would keep toughest awake until just before and do a walk around the block so they fell asleep in pushchair and slept through service. When we started there was only one other young family but we started a little kids group and took turns running it. The older folks went on a rota to help and loved it. I think the routine is really important. It worked for us up until lockdown but that broke the routine and now they are 15,17 and 18 and have far better things to do🙁🙁
Yes, that's a real shame, they may reconnect at some point

My dds liked their friends in the youth group and there was a lot of social activities

Ds didn't like church though

Hardbackwriter · 14/11/2021 19:20

@SarahAndQuack

DD is 4 and we've been regular churchgoers since she was tiny. At first, we went to a church where there were loads of children and babies and noise was very much accepted, even expected. We then moved house. Our church here has a very elderly congregation; there are no other families with children who regularly go, though some go occasionally with older children.

We have actually found everyone is very welcoming. But we have also found that DD has learned to be very quiet and to understand how to behave in church. We went to the remembrance service today and she was very aware she had to be quiet.

It does help that the vicar is brilliant with children and gets her to join in and participate. But it's not at all a child-orientated service, and it works well.

Personally, I'm a big believer in teaching children to sit through adult activities. I was taught that as a child and it's a good skill to have.

We found this too - we moved house during the pandemic and anyway that meant we didn't go to church for over a year so it was completely unfamiliar to 3 year old DS. But actually he's coped very well with the similarly quiet and elderly church we go to now.

One thing it did make us realise is that it really helps to clearly and explicitly tell him what the expectations are and what he can and can't do - 'in church you can only whisper. You can play with any of the toys but you walk not run and you can only play in the bit with the blue carpet.' It doesn't work anything near perfectly, of course, but it helps and I realised that I was previously expecting him to just know what was expected in situations by watching what the adults were doing, which is a bonkers thing to think a three year old could do (but I've noticed since that lots of other parents also assume their children can do this and get annoyed when they can't). It's really helped, in lots of situations - the other day as we were walking past our local cafe he declared to a passer-by (rather sternly Grin) 'in there you can talk but you don't shout'.

happydramatic · 14/11/2021 19:21

We go to church each week with a 7, 4 & 2 years old. Today the 2 yr old lay in the isle rolling around and chatting to/about people. There are other young kids at church and they're all welcomed and wanted just as they are. There is a crèche room available and supervised from half way through. My kids love going.

Are you attending a church that suits and welcomes your family?

Sunshine1235 · 14/11/2021 19:25

Could you talk to the vicar about making it more child friendly? A toy area somewhere? If there aren’t other children it might be that they need a little prompting to get them to think about it

jackstini · 14/11/2021 19:28

Do they have a crèche at all?

Our church used to have a room next door with toys in and if kids wanted to, could just go in there. There was a rota of DBS people that would cover it when required

Also option of them going out into Sunday School - or is it an all-age service all the way through?

I was told not to worry about them, the church were just glad we were there. Sometimes they napped, sometime I breastfed them, they laughed, ran about, shouted Amen emphatically...!
They always loved the singing - not always with the right words but still...

SarahAndQuack · 14/11/2021 19:40

@Hardbackwriter - YY, I think being clear really helps. I probably did assume she could just copy adults pre-covid, but after we went back I realised she really did appreciate knowing what was going to happen when, especially in a service like today where it's a bit different. I think teaching them how to recognise bits of the service is helpful too - eg., the first thing she 'got' was doing the peace and so we'd get her through intercessions by whispering that in a minute we were going to get to do the 'hello' bit, or we'd give her money just before the offertory hymn so she could enjoy putting it in the dish.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 14/11/2021 19:50

No creche

There are a few toys but nothing that would hold either's attention for more than 2 minutes...

Everyone says he's fine. We do try with expectations, perhaps DH and I need to chat about making that clearer. We take him into the vestry but it just isn't child friendly at all, he would just trash it out of boredom.

OP posts:
NannyR · 14/11/2021 19:56

Are there any other families with young children attending? It might be worth having a chat with the vicar about helping to set up a creche and getting a volunteer rota set up. Or could they look into starting a Messy Church session. It would make the church more appealing to other families and get them into church.

SarahAndQuack · 14/11/2021 19:57

@DueyCheatemAndHow

No creche

There are a few toys but nothing that would hold either's attention for more than 2 minutes...

Everyone says he's fine. We do try with expectations, perhaps DH and I need to chat about making that clearer. We take him into the vestry but it just isn't child friendly at all, he would just trash it out of boredom.

If people say he's fine, would it be an option to just stop bothering with toys or taking him into the vestry, and tough it out?

I don't quite know, but I definitely noticed that at our first church, where there were toys and space for a child to be taken out, children were on the whole noisier.

In a way it's a funny message to be giving a child: 'ok, you must be quiet, but if you are noisy, I will definitely pay attention to it'. There's no motivation for him to stay quiet if that happens.

I know with DD, when we first went people started trying to find pencils for her to play with, and honestly it was a pain - it just made her think there was reason to make a noise.

DappledThings · 14/11/2021 19:57

I've been taking mine (now 3 and 5) since they were born. DH doesn't come so usually 1 week in 3 I go solo and the other weeks I take the children.

They bring 2-3 small toys each, dinosaurs and animal usually and sticker books. There is also a table at the back with colouring set up. They aren't silent but they know they need to be quiet and to stay in that area. There is no running about or banging toys but they can talk quietly and play.

They also get a snack during the first reading. They now recognise the Gloria and when everyone is about to sit down so they know it's snack time. Something quiet like raisins or a small biscuit. No crisps or anything in a rustle packet!

I'm also in Kent just in case you are anywhere nearby.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 14/11/2021 20:01

Very few other children.. they do dote on him... I'm starting to feel like it's maybe my issue
I just don't know what's reasonable to expect a 3 year old to do.

@DappledThings that sounds a very good idea. There isn't an area where DS could walk around really so it's either sit totally still or try to help the vicar...

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 14/11/2021 20:13

@DueyCheatemAndHow

Very few other children.. they do dote on him... I'm starting to feel like it's maybe my issue I just don't know what's reasonable to expect a 3 year old to do.

@DappledThings that sounds a very good idea. There isn't an area where DS could walk around really so it's either sit totally still or try to help the vicar...

I think you hear your own child's noise more than others do! One of the other mums who occasionally comes to our church is always in agonies over how noisy her daughter is - I can genuinely say I have never noticed! One time she even had to take her DD out and right up to the moment she got up, I really wasn't distracted.

You are just so tuned in to your own child's noise that it seems a huge deal to you.

SarahAndQuack · 14/11/2021 20:16

Oh - and, is there any chance the vicar would be interested in having a helper for altar service? You might not feel like suggesting it (I wouldn't), but our vicar has had DD helping since she was 2, as he has a granddaughter the same age so is quite tuned in to how they are. It makes a huge difference. What you might feel able to do is perhaps to volunteer to do collection, and take him with you while your DP stays with the baby? That's quite low key but really fun for a child IMO.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 14/11/2021 20:34

That's a great idea. They get him to collect service books at the end which he loves and DH (bellringer) takes him to ring the bell

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 14/11/2021 20:38

Oh, that's lovely! DD would be green with envy about the bellringing! Grin

My vicar keeps saying, if children aren't involved then how can they enjoy it? And I think it's really true.

SarahAndQuack · 14/11/2021 20:40

(Btw, the only reasons I said I wouldn't have asked the vicar about altar service was it didn't occur to me, and that I was in the same morass of worrying about my child that I think you/your husband are in. But once the vicar suggested it and started doing it, I saw how much it helped DD and also how much people in the congregation liked it too.)

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 14/11/2021 20:43

Yes he is absolutely the living embodiment of the devil makes work for idle hands!

OP posts:
gogohm · 14/11/2021 20:43

We have a play mat with quiet toys, mini table with drawing materials and snacks too for under 3's, from 3-12 theres children's church in another room with age appropriate activities for those who don't want to sit still (they are welcome in church but not to run around). Mine have always attended and always stayed in church rather than children's church, dd is autistic too.

ILoveAnOwl · 14/11/2021 21:10

We moved church from one (where incidentally, I'd worshipped for years pre children and had project managed a massive restoration project for free) where the children were glared at and complained about to another where they are genuinely welcomed. It makes it a far nicer experience for everyone.

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