I am utterly mortified, but if you like scatological humour you may find this funny (I don’t!) I also need low carb advice!

[Mortifiedloostory]

Not the poo troll!!But name changed (for extremely obvious reasons)!

I’ve had really bad stomach cramps for the last couple of days.
I’ve been low carbing all week after being away with work and eating lots of crap and drinking lots of wine. It works, I stay slimmish by doing this but I have lately been eating a lot of quorn,which I think is the cause.

I don’t think it agrees with me, at least not in large amounts!

I was in the middle of a ‘phone call (thankfully not important!) earlier today and made my excuses and hung up, to rush to the loo, one of those 3 second warning things was about to occur.

My friend is staying and I didn’t want her to hear anything (she was downstairs) so I decided to put the shower on first. As I put the shower on, it disattached itself from the hook and jumped off, spraying me full on in the face with water, which it did again as I tried to catch it. Repeat X 3 and I managed to get it but I simultaneously shit myself.

I had my bum clamped together, and was wearing baggy trousers. Luckily none of it went on my trousers, I tiptoe-ran to the loo and pulled them down and it was all down my inner thighs. I had no idea how to clean myself up. I used so much loo roll I thought I’d cause a blockage and was preying I hadn’t!

This is the first time I’ve crapped myself as an adult.

Does it happen to us all? Is it some sort of right of passage?

Low carbers-please tell me where I am going wrong?

Does quorn do this!?
Why?!
Wonder what I can have instead (vegetarian)?

I definitely can’t tell anyone in real life.

I am going to the pub for a few wines later and am terrified it might slip out, though!

Once I was on pretty strong antibiotics, I can’t remember what for but they weren’t penicillin or whatever. Much stronger than that.
Anyway I got the Eurostar to Paris and on the train I had a very rumbly tummy. Kept thinking it was hunger. I got (and I vividly remember this) a platter of cheese and crackers and a glass of red wine.
Pulled into gare du nord and hailed a taxi. Once in the taxi I realised the rumbling was in fact wind + liquid poo rampaging around in my bowels.
I clamped my ass cheeks together for 25 mins, no idea how, and as soon as we arrived at the hotel I leaped out of the taxi and gave a huge sigh of relief.
With the exhale of breath came an exhale of sphincter and a TORRENT of diarrhoea came out, down my legs, into my shoes. The taxi driver leaped back like a startled deer. The hotel receptionist was very kind and somehow scooped me and my bags into the lift and into my room where I had to strip completely and scrub everything in the bath.
It was absolutely mortifying

[quote ImUninsultable]@Mortifiedloostory

I was very obviously not speaking to you. Would have confirmed that for yourself if you had read the rest of your own thread.[/quote]
I did, and I still didn't understand it. But thank you for clarifying in such a lovely way :)

Using a quote would have been helpful.

@LapinR0se

Once I was on pretty strong antibiotics, I can’t remember what for but they weren’t penicillin or whatever. Much stronger than that. Anyway I got the Eurostar to Paris and on the train I had a very rumbly tummy. Kept thinking it was hunger. I got (and I vividly remember this) a platter of cheese and crackers and a glass of red wine. Pulled into gare du nord and hailed a taxi. Once in the taxi I realised the rumbling was in fact wind + liquid poo rampaging around in my bowels. I clamped my ass cheeks together for 25 mins, no idea how, and as soon as we arrived at the hotel I leaped out of the taxi and gave a huge sigh of relief. With the exhale of breath came an exhale of sphincter and a TORRENT of diarrhoea came out, down my legs, into my shoes. The taxi driver leaped back like a startled deer. The hotel receptionist was very kind and somehow scooped me and my bags into the lift and into my room where I had to strip completely and scrub everything in the bath. It was absolutely mortifying

Oh poor you that sounds so so awful!!

I can't imagine what I'd say in that situation.

My mil rescued me from a supermarket toilet with a pack of tena lady, baby wipes, nappy sacks, air freshener and a towel to sit on as we went straight home. Food poisoning 🤮 which by the following day she came with me to a+e as was bleeding heavily pr which turned out to be as a result of the food poisoning, i went on the pads in the car as couldn't hold it and we stopped for me to throw up several times on the way home. I love that woman as no judgement at all.

notanotherbox what a wonderful MIL!

Food poisoning as well as having some gross symptoms, is SO painful isn't it. I've had it 3 times and remember each one vividly (unfortunately)!

I know someone it happened to on a packed commuter train.
A few gurgles, a sharp pain, then the horror of red hot diarrhoea everywhere.
Nobody helped her, not one kind word, they all just hid behind their newspapers

I did something similar when I was on the Keto diet. Three weeks in to the diet I went out with the netball girls for a curry (I really should have known better). On the way home I trusted a fart far too generously and sharted in the car 😅 I then had to sneak past my husband when I got in and walk within 1m range to get up the stairs to sort myself out. Unless he smelt it he still doesn’t know… I don’t know why as he’d probably see the funny side 🤷‍♀️

Another friend of mine farted in bed, and filled her pjs up from ankles to waistband.
She waited until her husband fell asleep, then had to slither out the bed and spend an hour in the bathroom cleaning up!

I was fitted with a stoma a few months back. I don’t miss these incidents at all!

@Mateypotatey

This is why sadly I can't be a low carb vegetarian as I also have ibs. Don't get me started on lentils. I shit myself on a regular basis, quite proud tbh, think it gives me character. Tofu can be OK if marinated a lot?

Has this given me a heightened strength of character, then do we think

@Theunamedcat

The lentil crisp incident well

I'm gluten intolerant they opened a new "health food" shop in town they had these big packets of gluten free lentil crisps on offer my favourite flavour cream cheese and chive two bags for two pounds I bought them and over the course of a few hours ate a bag then my stomach began to make noises lots of noises I had to dash to the toilet a fair amount too then the gas started 😅 I put myself in my room opened the window my eldest son came to complain about his sisters cooking and walked into a wall of stench and me curled in a ball on my bed in agony he threw my painkillers at me I said throw the other bag away these crisps are PURE EVIL he said ummm crisps? (Gurgle) 👀 tell me you didn't steal my crisps? Not all of them (gurgle) I feel OK? Ish I was in one room he was in the other windows WIDE OPEN wall of stench upstairs the sound effects were embarrassing 😳 my neighbours are so polite but they must have heard us dd slept downstairs with her younger brother it took several days to clear out of our systems even my cat avoided me

I've never ate them since

That sounds horrendous, but I don't understand who took whose Crisps :)