I am utterly mortified, but if you like scatological humour you may find this funny (I don’t!) I also need low carb advice!

[Mortifiedloostory]

Not the poo troll!!But name changed (for extremely obvious reasons)!

I’ve had really bad stomach cramps for the last couple of days.
I’ve been low carbing all week after being away with work and eating lots of crap and drinking lots of wine. It works, I stay slimmish by doing this but I have lately been eating a lot of quorn,which I think is the cause.

I don’t think it agrees with me, at least not in large amounts!

I was in the middle of a ‘phone call (thankfully not important!) earlier today and made my excuses and hung up, to rush to the loo, one of those 3 second warning things was about to occur.

My friend is staying and I didn’t want her to hear anything (she was downstairs) so I decided to put the shower on first. As I put the shower on, it disattached itself from the hook and jumped off, spraying me full on in the face with water, which it did again as I tried to catch it. Repeat X 3 and I managed to get it but I simultaneously shit myself.

I had my bum clamped together, and was wearing baggy trousers. Luckily none of it went on my trousers, I tiptoe-ran to the loo and pulled them down and it was all down my inner thighs. I had no idea how to clean myself up. I used so much loo roll I thought I’d cause a blockage and was preying I hadn’t!

This is the first time I’ve crapped myself as an adult.

Does it happen to us all? Is it some sort of right of passage?

Low carbers-please tell me where I am going wrong?

Does quorn do this!?
Why?!
Wonder what I can have instead (vegetarian)?

I definitely can’t tell anyone in real life.

I am going to the pub for a few wines later and am terrified it might slip out, though!

My worst IBS flare up was after eating Quorn.
It was so painful that my husband was on the verge of calling an ambulance.
Being terrified I pleaded with him not to and pretended that the pain was subsiding!
It was awful but have since heard of similar situations.

Google Quorn intolerance.

@Mortifiedloostory of course you've been eating sugar! That's what carbs are, as far as your body is concerned.

@Theunamedcat

Yes its most likely excess of quorn I loved it when it first came out but I swear they have changed the recipe the stench that my butt made after two meals was eye-watering and the noises! It was rather unpleasant not as bad as the lentil crisps "incident" of 2018 but close very close!

I am so sorry but 😂😂😂
Please tell us about the Lentil Crisp Incident of 2018 💐

[quote BIWI]@Mortifiedloostory of course you've been eating sugar! That's what carbs are, as far as your body is concerned.[/quote]
I know, but not today or any day since last Sunday?

I am ok with Quorn, but have known of a fair few people have terrible tummy/arse trouble with it. There are lots of soya based veggie meat replacements now that might agree with you better.

A few years back, a mate of mine got told informed by a one night stand that he should get tested for chlamydia, so off he trotted to the clap clinic. He got a knob swab done, and then got given 4 heavy duty antibiotic tablets to take.
Roll on a few hours later, and he is chilling in a café reading a book. Something rumbles down below. He naively trusts a fart, and rushes off to the loo. Utter carnage ensues, and he rings me in a panic saying he has shat himself in a posh café and has had to leave his soiled boxers in the toilet bin. The next day, he rang me again moaning about having haemorrhoids.

I was perched on the arm of my (white!) sofa chatting to my mum on the phone.
Mum "You've gone quiet".
Me "I've just shit myself!"

It may well have been the coffees that opened the floodgates. It does that to me, sometimes. I had a 'shit yourself + sofa' incident the first time I ate one of those vile protein bars.

Quorn is made from mycoprotein - a fungus.

The naturally occurring sugars in mycoprotein is Raffinose. It has a laxative effect if consumed in excess at the very least you get a rumbly painful gassy tummy.

Plus it is quite usual for there to be some upset digestion when you switch from carbs to low carb diet.

Moderation and ease yourself in.

@Theunamedcat

Next time don't bother with the shower?

Yes its most likely excess of quorn I loved it when it first came out but I swear they have changed the recipe the stench that my butt made after two meals was eye-watering and the noises! It was rather unpleasant not as bad as the lentil crisps "incident" of 2018 but close very close!

I too need to know what this 'incident' was

Yes! I noticed that too(the former!I can't make myself repeat)!

Linda McCartney stuff or super market own brand veggie mince is ok for me but I can’t tolerate most quorn products either!

Try tofu instead. Press and marinate it and it's delicious in salad or cooked.

The lentil crisp incident well

I'm gluten intolerant they opened a new "health food" shop in town they had these big packets of gluten free lentil crisps on offer my favourite flavour cream cheese and chive two bags for two pounds I bought them and over the course of a few hours ate a bag then my stomach began to make noises lots of noises I had to dash to the toilet a fair amount too then the gas started 😅 I put myself in my room opened the window my eldest son came to complain about his sisters cooking and walked into a wall of stench and me curled in a ball on my bed in agony he threw my painkillers at me I said throw the other bag away these crisps are PURE EVIL he said ummm crisps? (Gurgle) 👀 tell me you didn't steal my crisps? Not all of them (gurgle) I feel OK? Ish I was in one room he was in the other windows WIDE OPEN wall of stench upstairs the sound effects were embarrassing 😳 my neighbours are so polite but they must have heard us dd slept downstairs with her younger brother it took several days to clear out of our systems even my cat avoided me

I've never ate them since

Can you not use full stops? Or commas? That was hard to read.

My friend is staying and I didn’t want her to hear anything (she was downstairs) so I decided to put the shower on first.

You wouldn't have shat yourself if you hadn't fannied about doing this, far more embarrassing to shit yourself than your friend hears you using the toilet for what it is supposed to be used for. Do you think your friend doesn't shit in the toilet?

I never understand this weird attitude to a normal bodily function of every single human being on the planet.

@ImUninsultable

Can you not use full stops? Or commas? That was hard to read.

Surely toilet roll and immodium are more effective than full stops or commas

@Theunamedcat

I'm dyslexic. Quite badly dyslexic. When people post a massive paragraph with no function is just makes it's so much harder to understand it. And who types a massive paragraph without a sniff of a full stop?

Ok that was pretty rude @ImUninsultable

I’m a total grammar pedant but this thread is not the place for that!

[quote ImUninsultable]@Theunamedcat

I'm dyslexic. Quite badly dyslexic. When people post a massive paragraph with no function is just makes it's so much harder to understand it. And who types a massive paragraph without a sniff of a full stop?[/quote]
Dyslexic people who are busy proof reading making sure they make sense

Omigod! Where did you find an adult sized nappy (I guess not a problem if you're very slim and can squash into a toddler size)

Have you never been in a supermarket?

I was going to look up the meaning of ‘scatological’, but after reading the thread I don’t need to!

@vajingleberry

Omigod! Where did you find an adult sized nappy (I guess not a problem if you're very slim and can squash into a toddler size)

Have you never been in a supermarket?

What has that got to do with it? Do you think someone in the poster I were referring to's position would have ran to a supermarket, bought adult nappies and queued up, BEFORE going on her pending school run? Because I doubt it. Adult nappies aren't something the majority of us have just hanging around.

So yes, I have been in a supermarket, but I still think it was valid to ask her that question.

@Mortifiedloostory

Sorry, wasn't trying to be arsey - I think I probably took your comment out of context.

I could certainly have done with some handy adult nappies for my own "staying with my DDs inlaws for the first time in a pitch black, unfamiliar house" incident, but as you say, they aren't the sort of thing that people just have knocking around on the off-chance.

[quote vajingleberry]@Mortifiedloostory

Sorry, wasn't trying to be arsey - I think I probably took your comment out of context.

I could certainly have done with some handy adult nappies for my own "staying with my DDs inlaws for the first time in a pitch black, unfamiliar house" incident, but as you say, they aren't the sort of thing that people just have knocking around on the off-chance.[/quote]
It's okay :) sorry for being snappy back at you.

@ImUninsultable

Can you not use full stops? Or commas? That was hard to read.

I thought I had? Does anyone know where I should have put extra periods/commas etc?

@Mortifiedloostory

I was very obviously not speaking to you. Would have confirmed that for yourself if you had read the rest of your own thread.