7 year old tells me absolutely nothing

[IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative]

Is this normal or a mark of my failure as a parent?!

She seems happy in general but she never tells me anything. “How was school?” “Good” “what did you do?” “Can’t remember 🤷🏻‍♀️“ “who did you play with?” “Usual”

I feel like I know fook all about her school days really. Only really what they put on SeeSaw. One of the other mums told me the other day that she had heard from her daughter DD7 had a “boyfriend” in the class (😒 hate that rubbish with kids) but she hasn’t said a thing. I dropped hints to see if she would tell me, but nothing.

I know the “boyfriend” thing is a very trivial example but it seems like all her pals come home and chat to their mums about what’s going on at school. It worries me that when she’s 14 I still won’t have a clue about what’s going on in her life.

Four year old will give me a full overview of her day at nursery on the other hand. So there’s that what drama.

No advice but my daughter was the same. I used to sit among other moms and feel like an idiot because they knew about everything that was happening at school or the classroom and I had no idea! Still is the same at 16. I blame it on her being a Scorpio cause I have no other explanation 😅🤷🏻‍♀️

It's the Amnesia Gates. My sister is a teacher and even she can't remember what happened that day once she's passed through them.

I used to ask each of my dc and my childminded children what was their favourite part of their day. Used to love listening to, at times, some very random answers. I also would then, once we'd all talked about our favourite parts of the day, ask if there was anything about their day they didn't like.

I still ask my dc about their day/week in the same way, despite some of them being adults now.

Sorry posted before I'd finished writing.

Was going to explain that I went on a child development course years ago where the trainer explained phrasing your question to your child about their day in a more precise way made it easier for them to answer, rather than the pressure to recall and relay their entire day.

Mine is only 3 and is the same. When pre school finishes and I ask what he's done he says "played with friends" thats it, no names or anything. I honestly think he just can't be arsed trying to remember

Mine was, and still is the same now a teen. What I found helped was as a pp said asking for positive and negative highlights. Also asking about their day at bed time works well. DS was much more willing to tell me at least something about his day if it delayed him having to go to sleep by a few minutes.

Yep, my DD8 is the same - I now ask her who she played with, did anything funny happen etc etc - I usually find out loads with 'idle' chats and gentle questions throughout the journey home & the evening, a lot can come out when you just throw out a random question and see what it leads to.

Two things to maybe bear in mind:

I absolutely detested it when my DPs would ask me - as soon as I was picked up from school - about how my day was etc. I remember feeling a bit bombarded with questions and needed to "decompress". I still recognise this feeling when I or my DH comes through the door - I try to give him some time to "settle". May be worth giving your DD some space and not trying to ask too many questions straight off the bat.

One thing I read recently recommended to ask wider questions, in different ways and which they may be more engaged with to answer eg what was your favourite subject / activity today, did you have anything nice to eat at lunch today etc.

Yy, try to make sure she's had a snack and a break first, then ask what was her favourite thing to happen today/who she played with.

I had similar. Allocating 20 mins of extra staying up time to snuggle together under my duvet and have a 'school chat' before bed worked a treat! I think the benefit of one on one time talking about what's going on in her life is worth that much less sleep - it was like pulling teeth before.

Ask more specific questions, I normally go with:
What made you happy today?
What made you sad today?
What made you laugh today?
What new thing do you learn today?

We normally chat whilst making dinner or sometimes DD is more receptive before bed time so we do it then instead.

DD is now at High School and we still have these conversations and DD will often start them by asking me them about my day. However if she asked me "How was work?" I would probably reply with the standard "Fine, how was your day?" By asking the specific questions it gets them (or you) to really reflect on the day.

Mine were the same, until I read (on here) that I was asking the wrong questions.
Be more specific. What did you learn in maths today? So, who did the teacher have to tell off for chatting today? Who are you sitting next to? Etc
Ask a few silly questions to get them talking and then ask specifics about the day.

It's the questions and timing...

I ask what was the best thing that happened today?
The worst?
Etc

Some children are different, I told my mum every minutiae of my school day, my brother's response was similar to your child's, "fine". It became one of the many wedges that my parents drove between themselves and my brother, to him it felt like a daily interrogation. My mum carried on through when my brother was a teen and even adult, "Who, What, When, Where, Why?". It is perfectly normal to not want to describe your day as a child, just as it is perfectly normal to want to describe your day.

Find what works for your daughter, so she feels she can talk about things when she wants, but not so that she feels interrogated.

I used to ask who they sat next to at lunch. That usually triggered a short conversation.

Talk about what you did that day, tell her something funny/interesting that happened to you and try asking more open ended questions.

I’ve tried all the favourite things questions etc. i usually get “I dunno I can’t remember”. Occasionally an eye roll and once or twice a “stop asking me questions”. Perhaps it is my timing. I just try to chat away to her in the car but she’s not really having it.

It’s not just school related either. I know nothing about any of it. How was swimming today? Fine 🤷🏻‍♀️ etc.

I think it might just be her personality

At night when her sister goes to bed we read a chapter of her book together and even then she doesn’t really open up. She loves that part of the day but she’s still not for answering questions or chatting

I used to joke that my DD went in one door at school then straight out another as it was always “I can’t remember” or “don’t know” whenever I asked her about school.
However, she has gone into secondary school this year and comes out full of stories of lessons and even friend dramas. I think she was just disengaged at primary school.

My 7 yr old is exactly the same

That’s my daughter - I’ve tried all the timings known to man kind - the car, before dinner, after dinner, bed time, while doing a craft or cooking, at the shops, on a walk, I get nothing…
She has now started using it against me:
“How was work?”
“What happened at work?”
“What was your favourite part of work?”
“Anything funny happened at work?”
So I just now and the courtesy “how was your day? And talk rubbish to her and hope if there’s something important she will let me know…

They are all different....my DD used to tell me everything...who had a new lunchbox....who was naughty....who had wet themselves....every single minutiae of the day.....even now at 27 ....she’s the same....I still say to her....’is this going to be a long story?’ And she laughs. Now my 2 GD are exactly the same .....I pick them up from school/nursery....and it’s’ such a bodies Mum said/ such a bodies Dad said/ such a bodies other Dad said’.... my 2 boys were the complete opposite....told you nothing....one is still completely the same....like getting blood out of a stone ....the other has gone the complete other way and is now like his sister

@Seasidemumma77

I used to ask each of my dc and my childminded children what was their favourite part of their day. Used to love listening to, at times, some very random answers. I also would then, once we'd all talked about our favourite parts of the day, ask if there was anything about their day they didn't like.

I still ask my dc about their day/week in the same way, despite some of them being adults now.

My DD always answers lunch when I ask her haha

I remember a similar thread on here years and years ago where one poster said she suspected her 6 or 7yo actually went to St Mary's School for Spies, which still pops into my head and makes me laugh every now and again when I get "Fine" grunted at me

Everything is fine, it's just all a massive secret 🤫. My boys have always been the same, from nursery to teenagers, they won't tell me a thing...