7 year old tells me absolutely nothing

[IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative]

Is this normal or a mark of my failure as a parent?!

She seems happy in general but she never tells me anything. “How was school?” “Good” “what did you do?” “Can’t remember 🤷🏻‍♀️“ “who did you play with?” “Usual”

I feel like I know fook all about her school days really. Only really what they put on SeeSaw. One of the other mums told me the other day that she had heard from her daughter DD7 had a “boyfriend” in the class (😒 hate that rubbish with kids) but she hasn’t said a thing. I dropped hints to see if she would tell me, but nothing.

I know the “boyfriend” thing is a very trivial example but it seems like all her pals come home and chat to their mums about what’s going on at school. It worries me that when she’s 14 I still won’t have a clue about what’s going on in her life.

Four year old will give me a full overview of her day at nursery on the other hand. So there’s that what drama.

Sorry if it's already been said but tell
Her about your day when you get her
Everything, she should join in or it could trigger her memory

Ask really silly questions like 'what's the funniest thing your teacher said today?'
'who got in trouble today?'
Or even lead with ' I heard you've been doing.... (with what you've seen online'

It's about making the questions a bit more specific x

I used to ask mine to tell me to grade their day out of 10. 10 being amazing and 1 being terrible.

If nothing else, it gave me a feel for how the day had gone without asking the same old questions - and if they say a really high or low number, you can then say ' ooh what made it so amazing then?' or ' oh no, why such a low score?' so maybe try that little tip.

I have 2 girls and they are polar opposites in this way. I could probably tell you the favourite hockey position of the oldest's geography teacher but the younger one I don't find out was star of the week until I read it in the newsletter! I think the younger one finds school exhausting and asking her about her day is basically asking her to relive it, so I've stopped bothering and just give her a hug and tell her I love her (and comb the newsletter/parents WhatsApp for clues).

So we play 'fist of 5' where they have to say out of 5 what would they give their day. Sometimes a quiz when I guess what they had for lunch/ what they did and make an annoying noise when I get it wrong. Sometimez 3 things I'm grateful for at dinner. But mostly I ask the other mums

We used to do pits and cherries, so one good thing, could be lunch, one not so great, we started with the pits to end on a good note. The children used to ask me the same thing.

Ds1 could tell you everything, Ds2 couldn't even tell me the names of people he sat next to. If they weren't important people to him he never cared what their names were. Awfully embarrassing when a parent says oh my child sits next to yours. Do they?

Fast forward to secondary and I ask Ds2 about each subject and he will tell me what they did in each lesson. Far better than how was your day question so maybe it will come later.

But we tend to talk about stuff like that over dinner, it is a normal conversation, everyone gets a little time to tell everyone what they did today in school/at work/at home depending on the day.

I discovered what my DD was doing at school because she would come home and play schools with her dolls and teddys. She was obviously copying what the teacher had said and trying to replicate activities she'd done.

Fast forward to secondary and I ask Ds2 about each subject and he will tell me what they did in each lesson

I'm amazed your ds responds to this...mine would roll his eyes if I asked him what he learnt in each lesson!

Ds was the same in primary. Now there isn’t enough time on the journey home to hear everything he wants to say.

I listen to a LOT of talk about minecraft, pokemon, roblox and other things I can’t even remember the names of. I’ve read some of his books and got him to teach me iPad games just to get questions to ask so he can launch into a long explanation. I think he is telling me more school stuff now because I listen to all the other minutiae.

Also I always get more out of him sitting or walking side by side (or doing something as well as talking) than when I’m facing him or asking questions.

I've got hazy memories of discussing this phenomenon in teacher training 😆 from my memory, I think that young children aged around 5 and younger genuinely can't recall the details of their day like older children and adults can because their memories don't work in the same way. They will respond with the routine things they do every day like eating lunch or doing the register unless you jog their memory with very specific questions- did you paint? Did you play football in PE? It doesn't mean that they don't retain what they've been taught, but the way they retrieve those memories is different.

Older children can remember but don't always fancy talking about it. Could you try talking about your day instead and seeing if that prompts your DC to share? Maybe pick ideas that you think might be relatable to a 7 year old. Something like 'I had lunch with my friend Herbert today, we ate xyz and he said something really funny...' might prompt her to say who she ate lunch with. Or telling her about something you did that you were proud of or that made you nervous or that you really enjoyed.